A trans mare with a crappy job takes in a homeless griffon. Together they try to live their lives and try to make it in the "big city" of Ponyville. A story of love, courage and fancy hair dyes.
Glad you like it! I should note I was going for a bit of a stylized approach for the first chapter, I think you'll find the rest of the story easier to get into. :)
7011211 See, I used to do that for all of my stories, but there was a full rage review argument about how it was hard to keep track of so I ended up omitting them. They seem to really annoy people for some reason.
7011268 If I had to guess, they were probably complaining about the POV shifting itself rather than identifying who is speaking during the shift. It is MUCH easier to read this type of story from the third person rather than bouncing between different first person perspectives. Just as an example with some limited 'artistic license' editing.
extremely quick demonstration of scene 1 behind the cut.
Peppermint smiled as she tossed a few coins into the instrument case of the gryphon on the corner. She was happy to pay a little something for decent music, and it really seemed like she could use the money. As she went to continue on her way she was stopped by a talon and turned to see the performer handing her back her coins.
"Thanks,” Gretchen said as she held out the bits. “but you need these more than I do." The earth pony stared down at her, narrowing her eyes and noting where the gryphon was sitting on a street corner the industrial district, holding her guitar with her feathers ruffled and butt planted unprotected on the pavement. "Seriously?” Peppermint said in what the gryphon would say was an obviously male voice “You're homeless!" Gretchen rolled her eyes. "And you're probably living in whatever passes for a brothel in this dump. Take the money sister, you're going to need it." Peppermints eyes went wide as the implication set in. Gretchen thought she almost looked indignant, but it was undercut by her ridiculously fluffy dress and garish makeup. "I'm not a prostitute!" Peppermint declared.
Gretchen just snorted, leaning back against the wall. "Hey lady, I'm a busker, I don't judge. You do prefer lady right? You're not a drag queen?" Peppermint could feel her eye twitching. "I'm a chef!" The gryphon raised an eyebrow. "A chef that dresses like that?" She shrugged and attempted to tune the guitar in her talons. It was a losing battle, but she couldn't help but keep fighting. "Whatever you say." The earth pony glared at her, then let out a breath, turned up her nose and walked away. Gretchen stared at her as the earth pony made her way down the street. ‘Holy shit,’ she thought ‘she was telling the truth, wasn't she?’
7013099 Could be. It could also just have to do with the influx of readers. I can't say what motivates people to vote one way or another, I just point out where people can improve their writing.
I can say that the story idea is good, otherwise I wouldn’t have taken the time to read it and definitely wouldn’t have taken the time to critique any of it. In my opinion, it just needs a bit of work in the presentation.
My manager, Struck Chord gave me a smirk. He wasn't the most talkative guy in the world, but he had a good heart. Working with him were Rough Rider, a plump zebra mare, and Whose Line. Struck's black coat showed off a cutie mark of a guitar. Rough had a wrestling ring on her flank (unusual for a zebra glyph, I know) and Whose had a microphone.
Very little description of Whose Line comparatively to the others. I don't even know the gender or species.
7010971
7010899
Glad you like it! I should note I was going for a bit of a stylized approach for the first chapter, I think you'll find the rest of the story easier to get into. :)
7011211
See, I used to do that for all of my stories, but there was a full rage review argument about how it was hard to keep track of so I ended up omitting them. They seem to really annoy people for some reason.
7011268 I think its because alternating between who is speaking throws people off at times
7011808
I understand. This story was intended to have a somewhat experimental opening. I was trying to make it almost a montage of different perspectives.
7011268 If I had to guess, they were probably complaining about the POV shifting itself rather than identifying who is speaking during the shift.
It is MUCH easier to read this type of story from the third person rather than bouncing between different first person perspectives.
Just as an example with some limited 'artistic license' editing.
extremely quick demonstration of scene 1 behind the cut.
Peppermint smiled as she tossed a few coins into the instrument case of the gryphon on the corner. She was happy to pay a little something for decent music, and it really seemed like she could use the money.
As she went to continue on her way she was stopped by a talon and turned to see the performer handing her back her coins.
"Thanks,” Gretchen said as she held out the bits. “but you need these more than I do."
The earth pony stared down at her, narrowing her eyes and noting where the gryphon was sitting on a street corner the industrial district, holding her guitar with her feathers ruffled and butt planted unprotected on the pavement.
"Seriously?” Peppermint said in what the gryphon would say was an obviously male voice “You're homeless!"
Gretchen rolled her eyes. "And you're probably living in whatever passes for a brothel in this dump. Take the money sister, you're going to need it."
Peppermints eyes went wide as the implication set in.
Gretchen thought she almost looked indignant, but it was undercut by her ridiculously fluffy dress and garish makeup.
"I'm not a prostitute!" Peppermint declared.
Gretchen just snorted, leaning back against the wall. "Hey lady, I'm a busker, I don't judge. You do prefer lady right? You're not a drag queen?"
Peppermint could feel her eye twitching. "I'm a chef!"
The gryphon raised an eyebrow. "A chef that dresses like that?" She shrugged and attempted to tune the guitar in her talons. It was a losing battle, but she couldn't help but keep fighting. "Whatever you say."
The earth pony glared at her, then let out a breath, turned up her nose and walked away.
Gretchen stared at her as the earth pony made her way down the street. ‘Holy shit,’ she thought ‘she was telling the truth, wasn't she?’
7013064
Fair enough, think that's what's causing the sudden surge of downvotes?
7013099 Could be. It could also just have to do with the influx of readers.
I can't say what motivates people to vote one way or another, I just point out where people can improve their writing.
I can say that the story idea is good, otherwise I wouldn’t have taken the time to read it and definitely wouldn’t have taken the time to critique any of it.
In my opinion, it just needs a bit of work in the presentation.
7013186
Dude, you have this mysterious data sprite vibe that I quite like
7011268
Do it, if you're going to use first-person. Published authors tag chapters, ASoIaF comes to mind, though I don't recall it being first-person.
Bit of slice, bit of life. Watching.
Very little description of Whose Line comparatively to the others. I don't even know the gender or species.