When the train pulled into the ivory and gold city. Sunstreak could definitely tell security was still a big issue, there were spear-wielding guards at the station, probably there in case any trouble was started. But no unicorn was checking every one that walked in, so that was good.
From what Sunstreak could see, many of the buildings were still being repaired, especially the castle, it didn’t even look like it was being repaired…Celestia must be caring for her subjects first. I can respect that.
When they got off at the station, Meadow began looking around for any sign of her mother.
“Here, kiddo.” Sunstreak said bending down to let Meadow climb on his back. “This may help.” Meadow climbed up and began looking around.
“I can’t see her.” Meadow said.
“Well… it is a big city.” Sunstreak replied. “Maybe she’s just somewhere else.”
“Where should we start?” Meadow asked.
“Well…Twilight wrote me a list of possible locations…” He reached into the sheathe belt he had to pull out a scroll. “Here…you handle this. Just tell me where to go.”
They spent a few hours wandering around the city, getting their bearings. They walked to around half the spots Twilight suggested, and were still no closer to finding Candlelight. Sunstreak wasn’t too stressed out over getting captured here as he was in Ponyville and Meadow noticed.
“Why aren’t you worried at all?”
“Well I wouldn’t say ‘at all’ but I’m definitely more certain with who I am.” It was true, the first time he entered Ponyville he had no idea what he was doing, but he had gotten used to his back-story. He was sure that he wouldn’t have to explain himself too much besides “I came from Ponyville where this filly was found,” but he still had Meadow. She was from around here. So these ponies should know her.
“All I’m saying is that as long as I don’t do anything stupid, I’ll be fine.”
“Are you sure?” Meadow asked she leaned in so that she was close to Sunstreak’s ear. “What if they use that disillusion spell on you?”
“Well then…I suppose I simply tell them the truth.” Sunstreak replied. “They either believe me or they don’t… that’s all there is.” This is what he was worried about. But if he gave them no reason to think he was a changeling, they would have no reason to check. That was all there was to it.
“Where is the next location, Meadow?” Sunstreak asked turning to look at the filly.
“Ummm…the…Al…chum…i…cull…”
“Alchemical.”
“Yeah that…um…L-Lap-or-i-tories…Laboratory?”
“Alchemical Laboratory?” Sunstreak repeated. “Why would Twilight tell us to go there?”
“I didn’t even know we had an… alchemical place.”
“Laboratory… Okay just cross that one off the list.” For two reasons: One, Sunstreak wasn’t good at making alchemy that didn’t explode and Two, that wasn’t at all what Meadow described her mother’s job was.
“Then next is… ‘Donut Joe’s.’ Hey, I know this place.” Meadow said excitedly.
“Well…I guess we could pick something up, I’m glad I got Tornado to give me some bits for this.”
Sunstreak wasn’t too pleased about going into any crowded places, but the chance to get something he was familiar with and actually considered ‘food’ wasn’t a bad thing. Sure the flower sandwich had been alright…nothing beat what he was used to.
“Hi, Mr. Donut.” Meadow said as the two of them entered the store, it was a small store, but had chairs around so you could sit and eat inside. The stallion that Meadow was talking to was tall, average build, brown and had a short messy mane.
“Well if it isn’t little, Meadow. Where’s your mom?”
“We’re trying to find her. Have you seen her?” Meadow asked.
“Not recently. Come to think of it, last time I saw her was the day after the invasion… Whose your friend?”
“My name is Sunstreak.” Sunstreak replied walking up to the counter. “I’m not from around here. I found Meadow out in Everfree. She was apparently taken by a Changeling.”
“You’re kidding!”
“Not at all. I’m glad that I found her. I’d hate to think what that insect would have done to her if I hadn’t.”
“Well I’m sure that Candlelight will be happy to see her.” Joe replied. “So you wanna buy something?”
“Sure. Meadow?”
When the two of them left the store, Sunstreak had a new idea of where to go next, he had managed to get a street address for Meadow’s house. So he decided the best possible action would be to take her there. After a few hours of getting lost and asking directions, he managed to find the right address.
It was a standard house, the building looked undamaged, so the white stone and golden rooftop looked pristine. The door was light blue and looked to be made out of wood, there were about four windows on the building facing the street.
“Well, Meadow…” Sunstreak said. “Here we are.”
Meadow climbed off his back. She was clearly happy to be back. “What if my mom isn’t there?”
“Then we wait.” Sunstreak said, walking up to the door.
When he knocked, he was surprised to find the door open on it’s own.
“Hello?” He said into the empty house. There didn’t seem to be anyone here. Meadow had walked up to his side. And the two of them walked into the house.
“Mom?” Meadow called into the empty house.
Sunstreak could feel that tingle on his back again. “Something isn’t right…”
“What is it?” Meadow asked.
“I don’t know… I just…feel something…”
The door closed behind them.
“So glad you could finally join us.” Came a voice from the darkness. I know that voice.
“Who are you?” Sunstreak said stepping in front of Meadow.
“You don’t remember us… Then maybe this will help.” A green ball flew out of the darkness into Sunstreak’s chest, launching him back.
“Sunstreak!” Meadow called.
Sunstreak’s eye adjusted to the light, and through it he could see multiple solid blue eyes. “Meadow! Get back!”
A changeling jumped out of the darkness and grabbed Meadow in its hooves. Pulling her back into the shadows.
“Let her g-AH!” Another blast had hit him in his hind leg, knocking him to the ground.
“Hello, Nymph.” Came the same voice.
“Oh god…” Sunstreak lifted his head to look at who had just shot him. It was Spine…he had a crack in his chest, his general armor was dented slightly, and he was indeed pissed.
“You thought you got away didn’t you?” He said walking up and slamming his hoof on Sunstreak’s back leg. “Traitor.”
“You did that to yourself, Spine.” Sunstreak replied. “When the Royal Guard catch you-AH!” Spine had applied all his weight onto Sunstreak’s hind leg.
“I think you mean IF they catch us. We have been here since the invasion failed.” He turned to look over at Meadow. “And it turned out to work perfectly. We didn’t even need to look to find both you and the foal.”
“I swear if you-“ Sunstreak heard a snap.
“I’m sorry…was that your leg? I suppose I can pay you back for what you did to me.”
“Go…Fuck…Yourself.” Sunstreak replied, holding back the pain that had erupted in his leg.
“Hmmm…the other leg it is then.” Shade felt the knife get pulled out of the sheathe, he didn’t need to turn to look at what was going on. He felt the knife plunge into his other hind leg, spilling the crimson blood all over the floor.
Sunstreak screamed from the pain. The combined pain of both his now broken leg and the large knife wound made it very difficult to form any rational thought.
“I don’t think that is enough… What about you?” Sunstreak managed to look towards Meadow, who was crying. “Yes…I think you are quite right. Why not stop him from flying as well?”
He felt the knife remove itself from his leg, the heat now spreading even quicker, he felt his wing being lifted up by some kind of magic, before he heard the unmistakable crack of wings, followed by two more cracks closer to his body. He couldn’t feel either of them, everything was in pain; all he could make out for certain was the blood still flowing from his wound.
“Don’t worry, Nymph.” Spine hissed. “We won’t let you die here. We’ll let the Royal Guard find you. Then they will deal with you.” He leaned in to Sunstreak’s ear. “Thanks for bringing us the foal. She will be wonderful for the hive.”
Sunstreak managed to raise his head to look Spine right in the eye. “I’m…Going…to kill you….”
“If you ever manage to find us.” Spine said, before raising his hoof and slamming onto Sunstreak’s head.
Don't the changelings know anything? Torture just makes getting information more difficult.
P.S. You are making chapters faster then I can read them. That's a first.
Converted Thoughts
Well here we are at the end of part 1. Now there is quite a bit to cover although I am certain that future chapters are going to hold a whole lot more from the looks of things. So to order this up a bit better I have taken the liberty of splitting up these past 16 chapters into groups of five. That way I can target each area with accurate precision. I also gave each group a little title because I am silly like that.
*Possible Spoilers below*
Without any further adu lets start with…
Chapter 1 -5: Rushing to the starting line
Lets be honest here. The first five chapters where not your best. Not that they had glaring issues, in fact in terms of spelling, punctuation and grammar everything looked pretty spot on. Of course that only leaves your actual narrative as the core problem.
So what was the problem?
Well to me it lied in the pace of the start. I personally felt like everything was going by way too quick. It felt like I was being chucked into boiling water rather then the simmering frog who as we know gets burnt longer. Here is what I mean. First our hero was a dragon in the a changeling invasion where he dies, then he is reborn in a Changeling hive, after that he travels through a forest, then he learns magic in a cave, then he arrives in Canterlot and has this huge conflict however he saves Meadow, gets blasted away and ends up in the Everfree. Honestly all of that could explain a whole short story let alone only approximately three chapters.
I get it though I really do. Obviously all of these stages where not crucial to the plot, although they are if you think about it (more on that later). By this I mean the story is meant to be more of a journey for Shade and Meadow not just Shade and the story simply needed to get from Point A (Shade being alone and affiliated with the Hive) to point B (Shade and Meadow being together).
More importantly the start of the story is always the hardest point. It is a delicate balance between making an exciting and action packed opening vs a gentle and inviting entrance. Every reader has their own personal preference, obviously I like it a little slower so many people may love you for the faster start but yeah not necessarily my thing. A good example of an author who did it right is you with Pen Pals. While at the first chapter it felt a teeny bit rushed with the years flying by, it felt a great deal more gentle due to the fact that wars were not happening after every turn with intense action packed scenes. Instead they developed character and hinted at a greater conflict. Muuuuuuuuch better.
What I think would have made the opening scenes a little better is if you added in a couple extra chapters before the invasion of Canterlot was called. Have some time for Shade to meet the other Changeling's (Tornado and Spine specifically), get a personality for himself (earlier, he definitely gets a good one later on) and have some internal debate within himself to show conflict in his head. I realise that you have a perfect 50 chapter thing going on at the moment and I also know that you do not plan to add more so please do not feel like this is a call to arms. Really the story is good these are just some pointers for the future (which you seem to have followed already with the Pen Pals case, Great Work! ).
However the pace was not your only downfall in these earlier chapters. Another issue I found was unrelatable characters / The Mary Sue complex. Dun Dun Dun! I know what a shock but hear me out and then you get the warm fuzzy comments. Personally I did not like Shade at the start (this could have had to do with me not getting enough time to learn his character before the bigger / action packed stuff started happening. I felt this way because he became very Mary Sue like for me. Lets be real though he is obviously not a Mary Sue character but at this point I sure did feel it. The fact that he was some kind of Dragon warrior master, coupled with being greatly intelligent and morally sound as well as courageous, forgiving, trusting in the right areas and somehow the only one to break free of Chrysalis's mind control all built up to create this image.
Then we arrive at Meadow who to be honest has a similar Mary Sue problem where she is overly trusting and cheery and so on.
With these two being the main characters I struggled to find a legit character I actually genuinely cared for. In fact other characters like Spine and Tornado were very undeveloped here and left me confused of the difference at this point (later on their characters really do grow and separate).
Anyway I hate being negative but no good review only praises the work of the artist. Besides I also understand that you were purposefully leaving details out so that you could add it to the whole mystery of the story down the track. This is where I really worry about editing the start as the limited start really makes what happens down the line interesting and engaging as by that point you do care about the characters and actually form an opinion with the new info you receive rather then just tossing it into your memory banks for later.
Chapters 6 – 10: A True Beginning
Character Development YAY!
Straight away from chapter 6 and onwards each and every one of your characters starts to show development. Here I start to care about what happens to everypony and actually have the smallest hint of emotion. The development of back stories also really help with my information crises from the earlier chapters and while I was initially frightened of your choice to go to Ponyville so quickly, my worries where quickly blasted away with your in depth characterisation.
When reading any story I will admit that I take extra precautions when reading about the Mane 6. They have such varied personalities and getting them right especially since they are so common are therefoere engrained in our memories that getting them right is crucial. You managed to do this flawlessly. I had not trouble believing their characers and really enjoyed listening to them. You also showed them their place and stopped them from over running your story as well as Shade and Meadows important character development time.
About character development Tornado also started to make a name for himself in this chapter. I admit though that I did look back at chapter 2 to remember who is but yeah that was no major biggie for these chapters, especially since I did to confirm my suspicions rather then out of genuine confusion.
I think he was the first character that I really liked in terms of characterisation and he really paved the way for the others with his inclusion.
Shade and Meadow also lost their Mary Sue image during these chapter and it was really nice to see that occurrence. I really liked the moment were Shade and Tornado had this moment of swapped personalities to show their other sides it reminded me of Cloaks personality switch moment in the latest chapter of Pen Pals.
One tiny issue that kept being brought up during these chapters was Shades constant problem with the ponies and their customs. I.E Somebody vs Somepony and what they do with magic. Their are a number of times where Shade gets confused with these changes between his culture and the pony one and while at first I let it slide it kept coming up over and over with hands vs hooves as well as Dragon hatching magic. While the general customs are better the magic ones just make no sense to me. You make it sound like he was a human before becoming a changeling not a magical fire-breathing dragon. I kept getting the impression that he has never seen magic before yet whenever he talks about his home land he mentions all of its magical properties like the deadly toxins and the giant fire birds. All in all it just did not match up in my head.
And then the end of this subgroup came up with the introduction of the new changeling Hive. Their was almost no better way to get me more excited for the following chapters than that one small scene. Simply Bravo… Bravo.
Chapter 11 – 15: Meadow goes Missing
First of all Tornado was perfect here. The way he responds to Shades memory problems are fantastic and really show off his character in a believable sense.
The next few chapters in general were done extremely well. The whole Meadow goes Missing Arc simply ran smoothly despite the risks involved..
Wait what risks you ask?
Well the connection between Shade and Meadow is really strong yet you separated them and still want to make Shade comfortable (as in not totally freaking out all the time or going on some massive journey). The way you handled that with the element bearers and their journey into the woods was done perfectly to get those element bearers out of the way as well as develop Shades character without Meadow interrupting. It also gave the audience a good time to learn more about Tornado as well as a few other character like the CMC.
Then came along the Poison Joke and well.. It was done really well (you thought I was going to say bad didn't you ). While Poison Joke has been done many times in the past I feel like your play on it was not only slightly original but it also made for a pretty funny joke when you think about it rather then some grievance for the sake of the plot.
In plot terms it also really helped in the transitioning period between Shade's species being a secret compared to him telling the world his true identity. It sort of created a middle ground that helped stop any sort of rushed feeling that could possibly occur.
When I saw that Lyra and BonBon were both Changeling’s I could barely control my joy as well . I love seeing them as Changeling's but not only that but in this case you made them both Changeling's compared to the usual one or another. I don't know I just enjoyed that fact greatly. The moment when Shining was revealed to be you know who (maybe a while avoid a little spoiler now and again) also made so much sense to me and was a really big moment in making me say yep this author has some awesome ideas (not that I did not believe that before this point).
As usual of course I also want to point out that you have a way with Hives. No wonder you want to get your latest Hive story under way.
Chapter 16: The First End
Let's just say what a brilliant way to end the first arc.
The whole way you just created a full circle just worked so well. Now obviously I knew something was going to happen (your chapter count gave it away) I was still fully captured by the methods in which you did it. You may have had to add a gore tag to do it but I feel like the gorish actions really did have a place to be there given the situation and made for a great cliffhanger ending (luckily for me I do not have to wait for the next one chapter, so ha ha universe ).
Now I could be worried with how you are going to resolve every issue surrounding that incident but I guess I will see how you make it all work in the next arc of Converted.
Overall:
Well like I said your first few chapters stepped on a rough patch (you could have gotten your few dislikes because of that but really people should be better then disliking because of that and you do not deserve any). I did get a very OC vibe from Shade which is something you want to avoid as OC's have a bad reputation for a reason but as I mentioned you got passed it pretty quickly.
It is obvious to see that there is a wider world filled with Dragons and Changeling Hives waiting for me to see which means you did a perfect job of world building as usual. I cannot wait for you next the next arc and look forward to reading from you in the future.
When are you joining the action Cadence?
Your pal with a pen
|*|Spin|*|
P.S Have a wonderful weekend and good luck with all of your plans for the future. I shall be around when they come.
Welp... Talk about a complete douche.
I hope for 'spine' to get a horrible execution