I like the story... I just don't like your OC. Its a fun story, but your OC makes it hard to take seriously. Hes funny really, but certainly not Scary, or intimidating. You Humanized his behaviors to the point that he doesn't relate to the world you cast him in, hes a square block in a round hole. It sucks really cause he started off so well!
Your story is Dark only cause of the subject matter you use, But it does not feel dark. It doesn't make you cringe or shudder, Fear for the innocent or pray for the weak. You need to bring more Emotion to your story, You have the crimes and the misdeeds, but not the hearts and minds.
Flush out the rage he feels, make us feel his mothers betrayal! Cause as it stands hes not a Vengeful immortal come to right a grave injustice.
but He is a spoiled brat, with a half baked plan and bad attitude. This whole revenge thing feels weak, he went evil so fast I barely had time to realize what had happened, If you want to have an OC go the path of the Dark Side take it slow, flush it out have his innocence shrivel and die not just spontaneously explode.
I like your Story, I like the concept, its why I "liked" it fav'd and bookmarked. Its your story do with it as you will, your not going to lose a like from me.
7014562 All good advice, thank you. I will say that I do find i have issues portraying emotion as I lack most of my own as it is. I'll try and keep this in mind when writing the next chapters but I'll be brutally honest, I wouldn't hold my breath unless I had an editor or someone who can help write emotion and all that into it for me.
7014910 I will caution you in any real hope to finding an Editor to write emotion into your story.
To write emotion for a character is to know them. To understand them and realize all that they are, if someone were to commandeer your story's emotional aspects it would most likely cause the story to take a direction more to the Editors thoughts.
If you need help, I suggest asking around and offering to Collaborate with someone, You can't just edit in emotion, You have to build it with your characters an editor can only view your story from an outside perspective, what you need is someone to confide in and help you express what you want them to feel.
7017771 Alright thanks for the advice. Most likely what I might do is rewrite and reupload this whole story once I reach a point in which I can write the emotion into it myself.
I like the story... I just don't like your OC. Its a fun story, but your OC makes it hard to take seriously. Hes funny really, but certainly not Scary, or intimidating. You Humanized his behaviors to the point that he doesn't relate to the world you cast him in, hes a square block in a round hole. It sucks really cause he started off so well!
Your story is Dark only cause of the subject matter you use, But it does not feel dark. It doesn't make you cringe or shudder, Fear for the innocent or pray for the weak. You need to bring more Emotion to your story, You have the crimes and the misdeeds, but not the hearts and minds.
Flush out the rage he feels, make us feel his mothers betrayal! Cause as it stands hes not a Vengeful immortal come to right a grave injustice.
but He is a spoiled brat, with a half baked plan and bad attitude. This whole revenge thing feels weak, he went evil so fast I barely had time to realize what had happened, If you want to have an OC go the path of the Dark Side take it slow, flush it out have his innocence shrivel and die not just spontaneously explode.
I like your Story, I like the concept, its why I "liked" it fav'd and bookmarked. Its your story do with it as you will, your not going to lose a like from me.
7014562 All good advice, thank you. I will say that I do find i have issues portraying emotion as I lack most of my own as it is. I'll try and keep this in mind when writing the next chapters but I'll be brutally honest, I wouldn't hold my breath unless I had an editor or someone who can help write emotion and all that into it for me.
7014910 I will caution you in any real hope to finding an Editor to write emotion into your story.
To write emotion for a character is to know them. To understand them and realize all that they are, if someone were to commandeer your story's emotional aspects it would most likely cause the story to take a direction more to the Editors thoughts.
If you need help, I suggest asking around and offering to Collaborate with someone, You can't just edit in emotion, You have to build it with your characters an editor can only view your story from an outside perspective, what you need is someone to confide in and help you express what you want them to feel.
7017771 Alright thanks for the advice. Most likely what I might do is rewrite and reupload this whole story once I reach a point in which I can write the emotion into it myself.
7018268 GIVE ME MORE YOU TEASE!