Once more, I found myself in the throne room. Celestia nodded to my presence as I knelt before her. She spoke when I rose.
"Dex, it is good to see you well again. When I learned that you were still in Equestia, I sent my best to find you."
"You have my thanks, Your Majesty." You know, just thought of something. Are royal titles interchangeable? Noone seems to correct me.
"The one who found you also brought your journal to me. I am sorry that you had to go through what you did."
"It wasn't your fault. I feel better, but would like nothing more than to punch Discord for what he did."
A smirk was playing at Celestia's lips. "I am sure, however, you cannot."
"Would you care to explain what happened during my absence?"
The fight sounded glorious. Luna helped break Celestia and Twilight out of Discord's spell shortly after I disappeared. While the two princesses distracted him, Twilight went to gather the Elements and her friends. The way she spoke, it seemed that they had to fight for a full day before Twilight and company returned.
Exhausted from battle, the Elements of Harmony managed to strike while Discord was down. He spoke with conviction instead of fear. As he was returned to stone, he said he would return again in only a short time.
Fearing this to be true, Celestia brought his statue to the mines beneath Canterlot. She used the crystals there as a battery to hold a very powerful spell. This spell would force all chaotic energy from reaching the statue within. To keep up appearances, she commissioned a replica to be made and set in the gardens.
"I wish I was there to help you." I'm sure it would've been a lot better than what I went through.
"And I am glad you were not. You would have empowered him through your presence alone." Oh yeah.
"Princess Celestia, is what Discord said true?"
"I am not sure. Humans are ...odd creatures."
"But was I really empowering him as much as he said?"
"It is possible, but we have no idea if the amount of chaos energy you emit is stronger than others. You are our first human after all."
"I see. So what happens now?
"Now we move on to what will be done with you, Dex. Discord may be hidden away, but I cannot allow another chance of his escape. Twilight says she has a solution."
The grand doors of the throne room were opened. Twilight walked through, looking pensive.
"My faithful student, Twilight Sparkle, tell me, what have you learned?"
"It isn't looking good princess. I have a spell, but it isn't safe." Well, it can't be worse than the forest, right?
"Please, tell us what you know Twilight. It is his best hope."
"Very well." Twilight proceeded to go into a large explaination about whatever spell she had found. I had no background in magic, so I was lost from the beginning. All I really caught was the end. "-death."
Wait, what? "Twilight, could you explain that to me again? In simpler terms, mind. I don't know magic."
I could tell she didn't like repeating herself, or dumbing down an explanation. "Ok, basically, I can send you back. The problem is, you have stayed here so long that the guide is weak. Furthermore, even if it does work, you might not be able to handle the shock. You could very well die!"
No! What do I do?! I can't... "How much time is left?"
"I calculated that you have roughly twenty four hours before the connection is lost forever."
If I can just be left alone to think... I turned to Celestia. "Your Royal Highness, Princess Celestia, I humbly ask that I be free to walk where I please. I wish to be alone to decide."
There was a long pause. She still didn't trust me completely. I hoped with this news, she'd allow it. "Dex, you ask for more than you know. Twenty four hours of freedom; you could cause a lot of problems in that time. However, considering the circumstances, I will allow it. Do not make me regret my decision."
"I thank you, Your Highness." I then turned to Twilight. "Will you be here when I make my decision?"
"Yes. The princess and I have some catching up to do."
At that, I strolled out of the throne room. Guards would give me wary looks whenever I spotted one. I hate it when people look at me when I want to think. The gardens were my retreat; my head was muddled.
I found a bench facing the great maze Twilight and friends found Discord. As much as I would have liked to explore, I felt I could think better laying down. I lay sprawled across the bench.
What to do? I could stay here. I'm sure I'm gaining the princess's trust. But what about my family? What if this really is just a dream I need to wake up from? Do I just forget them? I hate being wrong, something tell me! ...nothing... Of course. All right, comparisons then. Stay: new start and great people, but lose my old life. Go: Deal with whatever happened since I left and all the problems of society, but I don't lose my family. Argh, so difficult! .....huh?
"... sorry ...need ... now."
Ugh, those damn voices. All I want to do is think and yet here they are again.
"...come ... decision, doctor."
Now that I think about it, that one sounds familiar. Bah, I can't think about that right now. Do I stay or attempt to go? I'm not even sure this is fake anymore. There's just not enough evidence to support that theory anymore.
"Give .... minute .. say goodbye."
I wasn't getting anywhere. If I wanted to think, the voices would have to leave. It was then I realized I didn't need to think, but feel. I cleared my head and just listened to the wind. The voices didn't leave.
"... sorry ... farm ... alone ..."
"... should've ... didn't ..."
"He wouldn't ... is best"
"... know ... still ... my ..."
Wait...Those aren't just voices! They're my family!
If my family is talking to me... but then I am in a coma... the way they're talking though...
Shit!
I ran. I ran as fast as I could back to the throne room. I needed to go NOW! Please let me make it in time! I burst into Celestia's throne room and could see the shock on her face.
"Twilight! Send me back! NOW!"
"What? Dex, are-"
"Yes! I know what's happening. Do it before it's too late!"
She nodded and charged her horn.
"Are.... sure? Won't ... change ..." Hurry!
I was hit with all the power Twilight could gather. I immediately blacked out.
In a dimly lit hospital, upon a bed, a body gasped awake.
Conclusion?
Nicely written but I feel like you rushed the whole 'figuring out who the voices were' thing. While brevity is a good feel for this story this level of it is just lazy and sloppy.
In other news, plot holes plot holes everywhere and not a drop to drink.
HOWEVER! Given that this is your first fic I feel that you handled it quite well you just need to remember to answer more questions at the end then you leave open. That way people tent to overlook the bad.
That's all I got right now with my mind in the state it is currently in.
-N64Fan
726388
You know, after I posted it I thought 'Maybe I shouldn't have written this as soon as I woke up.' Even though I wrote it, I could only come up with 4 things that needed explaining. I have an epilogue to do that explains what just happened at the end there though.
Could you tell me what all plot holes I might have missed? Also, I definitely need to go through it and flesh it out more. You're right, it does seem rushed.
There's just one problem really. I have NO idea how I want to end it.
726419
I'm gonna be completely honest with ya, the plot holes are not important and I could care less if they stay. Just make the story less rushed please?
Warning: No Mercy Thoughts Below.
The name thing seems tacked on as an afterthought, the voices were set up over two chapters but dealt with in one paragraph. The forgetfulness was completely ignored and he put little to no thought on the subject of 'is this world real or not'. You once again brought up the idea of him fighting the manticore but this time he's dead sure he fought it away with no explanation as to why. You seem to jump from topic to topic during the talk with Celestia with little to no segway 'twixt them. And you don't explain as to why he goes off on his own, while were on the topic of him going off on his own you should have at least let him look around the castle a bit before his big ephiphany.
I think that's about it, the brunt of my constructive criticism
-N64Fan.
726450
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
I fleshed out the garden scene a bit before I read your comment here. Now, I like to defend my choices so hopefully you don't take it the wrong way. Here goes:
The name thing really was tacked on. I thought people would get caught on what Discord said earlier and felt it was needed. Now, I'm not so sure.
I don't follow the manticore thing you mentioned. I thought it was covered between the journal and the nurse telling him the wounds.
He states that he wants to be alone to decide. Generally speaking, that's how I would do things. I think things through on my own and avoid distractions.
There really was no segway there huh? Ok, new clause, 'Never write within the first 10 minutes of waking up.' I'll figure something out there, hopefully it will be better.
And thus, I see the need for an editor. Thanks again for constructive criticism. Oh, by the way, where do you think he is now?
726419 he wakes up in the canterlot hospital dosent he???
when im wrighting i usually play it out in my head a few different endings and i pick the best one 726419
726513
I normally make a first draft in my head and then come up with changes as I actually write the 'second draft,' but it doesn't work very well when I'm still half asleep it seems.
726499
Maybe...
Author note/confusion below
Ok, so I could have him wake up in either hospital in the epilogue, but there's a few problems with that. See, I've got an idea of what I want to do on both sides, but if I went with the Equestrian side, it leaves the story open. I'm not sure that's a good thing or not, but leaving it open for sequels when I don't even know if I want to write more about him leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
726541half the stories in the known universe leave the story open
and never do
it just gives you an apoution to do it
726490
Be aware that if he wakes up in the real Equestria hospital you have to explain why the stuff is actually true and not something he just dreamed up.
Don't get me wrong the name thing is nessasary just explain WHY a name is so important, put a catch all line in about a name becomes an extension of a pony's soul or something.
The manticore thing, in the journal he says there is a monster that he is slightly scared of at least hints at him being scared of it. In the hospital they tell him he was stung by a manticore and he's like 'aww crap, manticore poison.' Then in this chapter he's like 'heck yea, survived a manticore, booyashaka'. Just seems a bit inconsistent.
726746
Oh, that was funny. Booyashaka! Anyway, the manticore was mentioned in the journal though. I redid everything here a bit though. You were right about him being all happy about surviving the manticore though, just changed it to the forest in general.
I've got most everything worked out for either outcome really. And the name thing... yeah, that's kinda what I was going for... but I did a REALLY bad job of it. I still think that whole piece is off even after I just rewrote the danged thing!
726769
Welcome to my world.... Except I find that my writing is more like painting. The start is the hardest for me, after that I breeze through the middle and then I sometimes forget the extra time to flesh out the details to make it as amazing to everyone else as it is to me.
Because of how my writing is I think I redid the 2,000 word intro to my first story like 10 times and I still don't like it. Luckily I concluded that story though so I no longer have to look at it ever again.
726799
Are you sure it doesn't haunt your dreams?
Well, I'm doing a pro/con thing... It's more like a 'which way is easier to explain' thing.... Either way, I wanted to end the story like this. I wanted the readers to go, 'hmm, what if' and draw their own conclusions. But I hate those endings! Why would I end a story the exact way I hate stories ending as? So, epilogue is a go.
Ah yes, just reread the chapter, much less rushed. I feel like I just worked a stubborn kink out of my neck.
You covered the plots as best can be hoped and you made the story very nice overall. Thanks for the story, can't wait for the epilogue or however you decide to end this.
726877
Thank you, and it seems that my words are now a masseuse...
Moral of the story: don't go into a coma
867091
A truly great lesson has been learnt this day.