Against All Odds: Derpy's Greatest Misadventure

by Mannulus

The Most Unlikely Fate

Beyond the door, Derpy found not a hallway or another bridge, but a deep, vertical tunnel. Its every surface was some kind of switchboard, electrical panel, or device of inscrutable purpose. Many of them had huge panels of tiny outlets, and from these were run many tiny cables each either connecting one board to the the next or connecting one port of a given board to another of its own. Mixed in among these were many huge panels covered in rows of glowing vacuum tubes, and still others had large arrays of colored lights which blinked on and off in repetitive patterns. There were large power switches, some of which were flipped to the on position, and some to the off. There were long reels of tape winding from one panel to the other before switching to wind back to the other, and hundreds of tiny gear boxes filled with tiny, brass gears and springs so small that Derpy could barely see them from the staircase. Large bundles of electrical cable wound their way through and in amid the many odd devices, and the whole room was cacophonous with beeps, buzzes, whirs, and whines.

The tunnel terminated only shortly above her head in a domed ceiling, but it seemed to descend for some distance below her. There was no stairwell or other means by which to descend on hoof, so she glided down on her wings. The tunnel was wide enough that she was able to keep a very shallow grade to her descent, and though the thousands of panels with all of their bizarre circuitry and clockwork continued down the shaft on all sides, she did in time find its bottom. What she saw then gave her the single most intense shock of her entire life.

It was a pony; more accurately a horse, and an alicorn, no less. She was every bit as tall as Princess Celestia, but with a pale gray coat that shimmered like antimony, and a mane that gleamed golden, even in the darkness. Her cutie mark was half a dozen iridescent bubbles that seemed to gleam and shine as if real. Though there were differences of morphology that kept the resemblance from being perfect, Derpy could have no doubt that this was herself, Ditzy Doo "Derpy" Hooves, as an alicorn.

And this alicorn version of herself was watching her descent, waiting patiently for her to land.

"Congratulations," said the alicorn Derpy as her pegasus counterpart landed. "At last you have found the thing you came seeking."

"Uh... you?" asked Derpy.

"Of course," said the alicorn. "I am your impossible dream."

"But you were supposed to be Discord's impossible dream," said Derpy; "not mine."

"Discord gave up his dream," said the alicorn. "The fact that it has ultimately come true has nothing to do with him. His dream did indeed outgrow his own ability to dream it, just as his guardians said it had."

"But those guys were liars," said Derpy. "The door was open."

"No one lies all the time," said the alicorn. "A good liar knows how much truth it takes to make a lie believable. However, among all those creatures, only the snake was a truly good liar, and Discord took his tongue."

As the alicorn spoke, Derpy looked beyond her, and saw a small control panel. It had a number of large, thick cables extending outward from it, and in its center, fixed to the top of an ornate disk with several tiny clamps and made of what appeared to be pure platinum, was an actual, physical penrose triangle -- an object that should not have been able to exist. It had corners where corners could not be, and its planes terminated against one another in ways that defied simple reality. Derpy's eyes tried to follow its lines and shape, but it was as if she could never look at the whole thing. If she looked at any one part of it and beheld it in a way that made sense, it only seemed as if some other part of it had changed.

"Is that the thing?" she asked. "Like... the dream... or... you, I guess... other me?"

"Yes," said the Impossible Derpy. "That is the thing."

"So, if I... I dunno; unplug it?" asked Derpy.

"The machine will stop," said the alicorn. "And no; its own power cannot save it from you, for you were least likely in all the universe to succeed in making it this far. Think of it; would any of the perils you have survived in getting here been at all dangerous or difficult for a true hero?"

"Probably not," said Derpy.

"And that is why they would have failed," said the Impossible Derpy. "However, there is one final defense woven into the design of the machine, and that is me."

"Are you gonna fight me?" asked Derpy. "Like, zap me with alicorn magic?"

"No," said the dream. "I am simply here to show you what you will become if you allow the machine to continue its work. Consider, if you will, precisely who you are. The very peculiarities you possess, which make it so likely for you to succeed here, also make it impossible for you to become what I am. Was this -- was I -- not your greatest dream, once upon a time?"

"Well, I guess... yeah," said Derpy. "Isn't that every little filly's dream?"

"And in a world where the unlikely becomes the inevitable, I am your future. You will ascend; become Princess Ditzy Doo. You and your magic will be what holds off the tide of destruction rendered by Discord's perfected machine. You will be the greatest and most beloved heroine of not only Equestria, but the entire universe. You, Ditzy Doo, will be not merely a goddess, but the goddess."

"But what happens to everypony else?" asked Derpy. "What will it do to Princess Celestia? Twilight Sparkle? Everypony else who's happy with their life the way it is?"

"They will become pitiful and incapable," said the dream. "Their incompetence will only make your excellence and perfection shine out more clearly for the world to worship. Those who were beautiful will become ugly and desirous of your beauty. Those who were strong will become weak and in need of your strength. Those who were wise will become foolish, and will come to you seeking wisdom. You will be not merely significant, but the only individual of any significance."

"Are you kidding?" asked Derpy. "That's ridiculous. I don't want that!"

"But this -- I -- was your impossible dream?" asked the dream.

"Well, yeah," said Derpy. "When I was like six, or whatever, but I don't have that dream, anymore. It's silly, and it would hurt everypony around me. I have grown-up dreams, now, and mostly, they're not even close to impossible. I just want to be happy, you know? I want a job I don't hate, and a normal family, and to be in love, and the kind of stuff that really isn't too much to ask. I mean, I've already got those things... or almost got them, anyway. You don't have anything I need or want.

I mean, really, are you supposed to be a temptation? Because you're not a very good one."

"Am I really?" asked the alicorn. "Think of yourself, exactly as you are. If you reject what I offer, then this, right now, becomes your ultimate, shining moment of achievement. You will never be more than a pitiful, forgotten little pegasus. You will grow old, your strength will fail, and one day, when you are unable to fly or even to walk, you will look back and beg for the chance to change this decision; to shed what you were at this moment, and to become what I am."

Derpy stared at the alicorn version of herself, and in truth she was tempted. The creature before her was a glorious, beautiful thing, better in every way, she knew, than she could ever be. If she simply allowed the machine to do what Discord had created it to do, she would have everything that every single pony in the world, in the darkest, most selfish corners of their hearts, all desired. Even Princess Luna, an alicorn herself, had wanted it, and it had driven her to become Nightmare Moon. Had Princess Celestia wanted it as well? Even she, who was the closest being in the world to being something like what this image of herself was promising; had she desired more?

Maybe she had and maybe she hadn't, but she allowed three other Princesses to exist. She had even gladly helped at least one of them find her way to being what she was. Each of them, in some way, had earned what they were. To simply wait and have it given to her -- to have it made inevitable -- was a thought that filled Derpy with disgust.

"Don't you get it?" she asked. "I could never make myself what you are; I don't deserve it."

"And why not?" asked the alicorn. "Haven't you endured enough? Haven't you saved Equestria? Haven't you been selfless and forthright in all your ways? You deserve this, Ditzy Doo. You deserve everything."

For just a moment, the alicorn's words played through warmly through the pegasus' mind. They soothed her, and for just an instant, she wanted to believe they were true.

"Everything?" said Derpy. "I deserve everything?"

"Yes," said the alicorn; everything you can imagine -- and more."

Derpy drew a deep breath, and as she began to speak, she felt her life's one fleeting hope of greatness fleeing from her.

"How about I tell you what I deserve?" she asked.

The alicorn raised an eyebrow, but did not speak.

"I deserve to not wake up in the night crying. I deserve to not have to drag myself to a job I hate every day. I deserve to love somepony without being afraid he'll leave me forever. I deserve to not be ashamed to talk to my father. I deserve to watch my daughter play in the clouds. Most of all, I deserve to just want to be me; I deserve to like myself, and I do.

I do because I can't think of anything I really have left to be ashamed of. I worked really, really hard for that. I nearly died for it, over and over again. I deserve it because I earned it -- not just because I exist. I like Ditzy Doo, and you're not her; you're a stupid, childish dream."

The alicorn looked around, obviously confused.

"So, I really can't talk you out of this?" she asked.

"Got any muffins?" asked Derpy.

The alicorn laughed at this for a moment. It was a bitter, quiet sound that echoed in the cavernous chamber. She shook her head.

"Cute," she said. "I could turn into a muffin monster," she said; "try to eat you. After all, what are the odds of Derpy Hooves being eaten by a muffin?"

"Trust me," said Derpy, "that plan does not end well for you."

They both laughed at this, and Derpy was surprised at how similar her own cold, bitter laughter sounded to that of the dream that would not be.

"Of course," said the alicorn. "Then the machine is a failed experiment; just another impossible dream."

"I guess so," said Derpy.

"What were the odds that this machine would simply deactivate itself?" asked the alicorn.

"I don't know," said Derpy. "Not very good?"

"No," said the alicorn, "not very good at all."

Derpy watched then as the, gleaming, beautiful image of herself as a Princess walked to the console, and flipped a pair of switches.

"The way out is straight up," it said, turning to face the pegasus.

The image of the alicorn was already beginning to flicker and fade, and the many lights that lined the walls of the huge chamber were dying, one by one.

"If you would," said the alicorn, "take me with you. Surely you must know somepony who has need of an impossible dream, and it would be the most awful thing I can imagine if even after so long I were never allowed to come true."

The image winked into nothingness then, and only the weird, impossible triangle was left on the pedestal. Derpy approached it, and found that despite its protean dimensions, she could somehow pick it up and carry it. She took it, and flew upward. The domed ceiling high above had opened up, and only the pale light of Luna's moon and the stars beyond them could be seen through it. They had not shifted significantly in the sky since Derpy had entered the engine. What had seemed to her like hours or days had probably been no more than a few minutes to the rest of the world.

As she rose from the top of the engine, Derpy saw no lights, and heard no grinding of gears. The whole machine had fallen dark and silent, and as soon as Derpy lifted herself free of its confines, it began to fall apart. Gear by gear and piston by piston, it tumbled into the ocean, until finally, after what must have been at least a minute, there was nothing left in the sky but the little pegasus and a few distant airships, one of them ancient, red, stalwart, and still painted with a risque image of Princess Celestia.