Against All Odds: Derpy's Greatest Misadventure

by Mannulus

Nose Art

Many times in the past few years Derpy had found herself in places that she would have preferred never to have been. Alcatrots Maximum Security Prison, a floating island anchored on the opposite side of the mountain from Canterlot Castle, was only one more name on the list.

The prison was nearly as old as Canterlot itself, and unlike most floating structures, it was not made of cloud. Pegasi could manipulate buildings made of cloud at will; to have constructed it in that way would be an invitation for pegasus prisoners to escape. Instead, it was an actual island, torn from the sea by Celestia's magic, and heavily enchanted by none other than Starswirl the Bearded so that it would float freely in the sky for thousands of years. It was anchored to the ground far below by a number of huge chains, and it could only be accessed by several air ferries, small airships used mostly for getting prisoners and staff onto and off of the island. These were so strictly regulated, and identification so strictly checked, that it was effectively impossible to gain unauthorized access to the island.

Impossible, that is, if one was not (or did not have the assistance of) a mad god of chaos with the power to disregard all laws governing time, space, and the several dimensions in between and branching from the two.

When Derpy Hooves simply materialized inside Teacup's cell, the former pirate captain stared at her in a daze for several seconds. She wore a plain, gray prison uniform, and had been leaning behind a partially-lifted poster of Spitfire, captain of the Wonderbolts, digging at the wall with a small rock hammer, which she held in her mouth.

"Well, this is a development," she said through clenched teeth. "Either the food here has me hallucinating again, or you are Derpy Hooves."

The mauve pegasus mare spat the rock hammer into her hoof, and waited for Derpy to speak.

"Um... hi," said Derpy, and she gave an awkward wave from across the tiny cell.

"No," said Teacup, "certainly not hallucinating. This goes without saying, but the question begs itself: What are you doing here?"

"Would you believe I came to break you out of prison?" asked Derpy, her face reddening.

"Well, that is a fine gesture," said Teacup, "and I admit to a certain degree of surprise that you managed to get here at all. However, I must confess certain doubts..."

Just as Teacup was about to finish her sentence, Discord popped into existence just to Derpy's left.

"And those doubts have just been alleviated," said Teacup. "Now, to my next question: Why?"

"Need a battleship," said Discord.

"With a crew full of misfit pirates," said Derpy.

"Well, I am afraid I no longer have either of those things," said Teacup.

"You will in less than twenty minutes," said Discord.

"Well, there you've gone and nicked my last excuse." said Teacup. "May I ask whom it is we are to pillage."

"Giant engine of ultimate chaos predating vertebrate life," said Discord.

"Corking," said Teacup.

In eighteen minutes, the crew of the Red Whatever was dashing up its gangplank where it had been moored at the Canterlot salvage yard, waiting to be scrapped. It had taken Discord less than a third of that time to get the pirates all broken out of their cells, but on the way there from the prison, several of them had insisted on stopping at a convenience store for hard cider and lottery tickets. Having no money, they had robbed the establishment at knife-point, and it had slowed the trip to the salvage yard considerably.

"Discord!" shouted Derpy, following the throng of ill-tempered scoundrels up the gangplank, "if I end up on trial for this, I'm telling everypony it was all your fault!"

"Go ahead," said Discord, floating beside her in a pirate costume he had donned for the occasion. "They'll believe you. You'll probably get a full pardon."

"Well, that's... good, I guess," said Derpy, reaching the deck of the ship.

Everywhere, pirates were running left and right, casting off mooring lines, checking to make sure the ship was still functional. Amid this madness, the Doctor approached.

"This is amazing," he said cheerfully. "It's a good thing the royal navy is so disastrously bureaucratic; they hadn't gotten around to so much as unloading the cannons!"

"Handy," said Discord, then he stopped to think for a moment, twisting his nose in consideration. "Or would that be 'hoofy?'" he asked. "That's never really been clear, has it?"

"No, not at all," said the Doctor, "but get this: the cargo hold is loaded to the brim with tea. It's like heaven down there!"

Discord huffed and rolled his eyes.

"We get it; you're English," he said. "Now, if you'll excuse me, there's something vital that needs my attention before we set sail."

With that he materialized a small painter's pallet and brush, and floated upward towards the huge, rigid-framed fuselage of the ships' balloon.

Derpy was left alone, looking around in a daze at the bizarre sight of pirates frantically readying their old ship for its unexpected voyage. As she stood there, observing the madness about herself, Teacup approached.

"Shall I have Galley brew us some tea?" she asked.

"Why not?" asked Derpy. "It's the end of the world. Might as well enjoy it."

"Pegwing!" cried Teacup.

"Aye, Cap'n?" came a familiar voice, grinding and robust.

Derpy turned to see the fat, green pegasus, a mug of frothing cider in one hoof, his cutlass strapped around his waist, and the same two weathered wooden pegs where once his wings had been.

"Send a call into Galley for a pot of tea, and have Helm take us up as soon as Engine Room gets up to speed."

"But a meager jiff that'll take, Cap'n!" said Pegwining. "Engine Room's had naught to entertain him but heavy rocks and a pull-up bar since we fell into the hooves of our contemners! He swears he can peddle faster now than ever!"

"Good," said Teacup. "Send him my thanks. For the moment, I have to catch up with an old friend."

Princess Celestia sat with her sister on the balcony outside her bedchamber. It was nearing sunset, and the two of them had made a habit of taking a few minutes to discuss royal business, personal matters, or whatever happened to be on their minds before changing shifts. Their long lives had given them every opportunity to experience irony in all of its forms, intentional and accidental, and this evening would be no exception; they were drinking tea.

"Any specific plans for the night?" asked Celestia.

"None in particular," said Luna, "but given that today was Taco Tuesday at thine academy of the arcane, I doth suspect a rash of nightmares. Quelling them shall keepeth me well-occupied, at least."

"I really should have them take the tacos off the menu. Unicorn constitutions simply weren't meant for such things."

"Indeed," said Luna, sipping at her tea. "Only an earth pony couldst ever have conceived of such a vile, blighted thing as the triple-layer Canterlot Reaper Mortalitaco, and only an earth pony is fit to consume it... Hast thou tried one?"

"My word!" said Celestia. "Certainly not!"

She took a sip of her own tea, and then looked towards her sister, raising an eyebrow.

"Wait," she said. "Have you?"

"No," said Luna.

"Thank goodness," said Celestia.

"But Nightmare Moon did," said Luna. "She wept."

"Oh," said Celestia, and then after a long pause, she asked quietly and almost reverently, "What was it like?"

"There is little I can tell thee," said Luna. "I recall naught of that dark experience but pain."

"You poor dear," said Celestia.

There came then a commotion from the hallway, followed by several frenzied knocks at the door of the Princess' chamber.

"Enter!" said Celestia, standing to turn towards the sound.

The door flung open, and a guard galloped in, huffing heavily beneath his barding.

"Milady!" he said, bowing, and then he noticed Princess Luna. "And Milady!" he said, bowing once more.

"I can make guilt monsters," said Princess Luna. "I am nopony's lady."

"Point," said the guard, "but more importantly, there's been a jailbreak! And the theft of royal property!"

"Slow down," said Celestia. "I need details."

"Discord broke the pirates out of Alcatrots!" cried the guard. "They're trying to steal their ship from the salvage yard!"

"What!?" asked Celestia. "Why would Discord do such a thing!?"

"Perhaps thou might bring thy query before Discord himself," said Luna, tapping on her sister's shoulder and pointing as she took another sip of her tea.

Celestia turned to see the rusted, peeling hull of the Red Whatever rising upward a scant fifty yards away. The pirates had lined up along its deck, and were saluting her as it rose to eclipse the fiery orange ball of her own setting sun. Only when the light was thus obscured and her eyes had been given a moment to regain their sense of contrast did she see and take stock of what had been painted upon the ancient battleship's prow.

When she realized what it was, her face went red at the sight, even through her fur, and her levitating teacup and saucer simply fell from the air to shatter on the stone tile of the balcony. She stared forward, not speaking at all, for no coherent, conscious thought that might have been put into words would even form itself in her mind.

It was her -- Princess Celestia herself -- rendered in excruciating detail as an art nouveau pinup. She sat astride a falling bomb, her mane and tail flowing long and loose behind her in a hundred curls and swirls. Her wings were spread wide, and three shed feathers trailed away from them. She wore no mantle or shoes, and her hooves were clasped behind her her head, which was thrown back, eyes half open, with a yellow rose clutched in her teeth.

"What... What am I looking at?" she finally asked, unable to pull her eyes away from the image of herself.

"Nose art," said her sister, finishing her tea.

Celestia's eyes played over the surreal sight of the rising ship. She scanned down the line of saluting faces, and one by one the pirates' composure began to break, giving way to laughter, hoots, cat calls, and cheers. As she scanned down the line, she saw Discord. He was waving cheerfully, and just beside him stood the last pony she ever would have expected to see: Derpy Hooves, her head down, and her hoof pressed against her face.

The ship slowly rotated until it was turned directly away from the city. Once it was aligned such that there could be no accusation that any harm was meant by it, the vessel gave a full volley of cannon from its starboard gun ports, sending its shots into the uninhabited side of a nearby mountain. Having given this final salute, it began to move forward, headed westward toward the setting sun.

"Get the navy," said Celestia. "The whole navy."