My name is Timber, my real name is no longer important. Ever since I came to Equestria, Ponies have been dieing, and I tried to stop it. I only saved a handful of ponies, but I couldn’t save everypony, this is the story of how it happened.
It all started a few years ago, when I fell into Equestria. I was driving home, when I saw an animal on the side of the road, I pulled over. and grabbed my flashlight, then I went to the animal. When I got there, and shined the flashlight onto the animal, I saw the animal was equine, it’s height was around my knee, it’s mane and tail had a yellow, blue, and purple streak, and a mark on it’s hind quarter. It looked like a strawberry. I ran back to my car, grabbed a flashlight, and ran back to the equine.
When I was about to touch it, I was grabbed by her hooves and was pulled closer. She opened her eyes, and I wanted to scream, there was no color in her eyes, just pure white. She said, in my ear, “You must help Equestria, when you get there, get some help to get to Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. Tell them that there is a plague coming. I’ll try to make you keep your human form. If anypony asks what you’re name is, It’s Timber. You will be teleported after I die, which is in 5-10 minutes.” Then she let me go and laid back down.
I sat there, trying to figure out what the animal said. Who is this Celestia and Luna, why was this animal’s eyes pure white, Where is this Equestia. Then I turned to my car, and placed my head on it, trying to catch my breath. When I turned back to the animal, my heart jumped into my throat. Everything of the animal was dissolving, leaving the skeletal remains. I step away from the remain, and then I heard someone honking, I turned to see it was too late. I felt the impact of the car smashing into me, then I blacked out.
When I woke up, There was animals similar to the one that dissolved. Some had wings, some had horns and some didn’t have any of those. Then I heard a voice, “What is everypony doing in one spot.” Then I saw a animal that's fur was a lavender color, mane and tail were purple with a streak close to pink, but what got me was it had a horn and wings. The other coward a little, showing the animal has power. Then the animal said, “Everypony go back to what you were doing, and you, what is your name and what are you?”
I sat up and licked my parched lips, then said, “Names Timber, I’m a human, and I need to get a message to this Celestia and Luna.”
Before I knew it, I was pulled to the one that just came. It glared at me, and said, “How do you know Princess Luna and Princess Celestia.”
I said, as I tried to get away, “I was told by this animal, it had yellow, blue and purple streaks in it’s mane and tail. I don’t know who they are, and what are all of you what gender are you.”
The creature’s eyes soften, and it said, I bet you’re a little confused right now. We are ponies. I’m Twilight Sparkle. Come walk with me. I will contact Celestia and Luna as we talk.”
I stood up and followed Twilight. After a while, Twilight said, “This is ponyville, it in Equestria. It’s mostly populated by unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies. I’m an alicorn, a princess to be in fact. The ones you’re seeking are also alicorns. Luna controls the moon, and Celestia controls the sun. There is another one, You’ll probably meet, her name is Cadence, and she is married to my brother. Anything else you want to know?”
I thought about it and said, “How did I get here?”
Twilight looked up from her floating parchment and said, “I don’t know, what the last thing you remember before coming here?”
I said, as I tried to get used to the fact that parchment was floating, “I was driving, then I stop at the side of the road cause I saw an animal lying there. When I got closer it grabbed me then told me to find Celestia and Luna. Then started dissolving until there were just bones, then I got hit with a vehicle.”
Twilight stopped and said, as she opened the door, “Come inside, while I get Spike.”
When I saw the building, my jaw dropped, It looked like a giant crystal tree. I walked in and was amazed at the place, Then I felt something run into me. When I looked down, I saw what appears to be a small dragon. It looked up, and started crawling away, saying, “Please don’t hurt me.”
Twilight came out one of the room, and said, when she saw the small dragon crawling, “Spike, why are you crawling away from our guest?”
I looked at Twilight, then at the dragon, who was still on the ground. I got onto my knees and held out a hand, then said, “You must be Spike, my name is Timber. Didn’t mean to scare ya, don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you.”
He took my hand and said, “Yeah, I’m Spike. Nice to meet you Timber. What do need of me, Twilight?”
The parchment rolled itself up, and shook itself, then Twilight said, “I need you to send this to Celestia and Luna.”
Spike got up. dusted himself off and took the rolled up parchment, a burned it, I fell on my but, as I watched it turned into smoke.
I said, as I took a few steps toward, “Ok, I’m going to wait outside, and get some fresh air.”
As I grabbed the handle, the door burst open and I am sent fly towards Twilight, the last I saw, before blacking out, was her surprised face.
I have a particular interest in disease. Tiny parasites that you cannot see, but work so fast and hard that their effect is noticeable within hours. I could do a brief look over of this story, starting with the cover, first thing you see right?
So far the cover isn't the best, No Cover Art, not all that great of a title, and its very short. The minimal limit for stories is 1,000 words; this is 47 words above that limit. I'm a rather fast reader and I could probably blow through this story in a few minutes if I wanted to while still taking a lot of it in. That is not good. I'v seen plenty of great stories where despite the fact that I'm a fast reader they managed to keep me there for an hour, sometimes hours. This is a one shot so it isn't going to be all that long but at least try to get above 2K words. The chapter title doesn't make all that much sense but I'v seen worse.
The description on the other hand is short. Its too short in fact. It needs to describe the scenario. From what the desc has told me so far a human biologist was just walking along doing derpity squat when a pony appears on the sidewalk through a portal and pulls him back into Equestria to help cure a disease (possibly saying "I am a talking horse, there is no time to explain!" before pulling him in). Whats this humans name, do we even know if it is human? Well we don't know anything about this human or what it was doing but we can piece together that it is human based on the human tag. There isnt much else to write home about (aside from the up/downvotes being turned off which is a massive no - no in my opinion, however this is an opinion) so lets move onto the story. I'll read through it and share my thoughts.
EDIT:
The story was only as short when I first posted this comment, its gotten longer since then
Alright, I used to be a really mean guy when it comes to looking over these stories but I have matured. I am above raging out and making writers feel bad. But I am gonna be completely honest here, so don't read through this if you think this will offend you personally but after reading through the first two paragraphs my hands have become numb, sorry had to get that off my chest.
Alright, where to start. Well its really fast. At the beginning the biologist (who is named Timber; sounds more like a pony name than a human name all things considered but I digress) is driving along when he sees an animal in the road and swerves out of the way to avoid hitting it (so far so good; albeit a bit rushed) after getting out of his car and 'heading toward the animal' even though I think it fled into the woods (detail is everything) he finally catches up to it and only just now notices that its a tiny multicolored horse with a mark on its side (you probably would have been able to see that when you where about to hit it but I digress, again) when it 'grabs' him with its hooves (so many problems here, I really am trying to keep a cool head) and holds him close. It opens its eyes and they are pure whites (why he doesn't just run away at this point is a mystery. Pretty sure I would be spooked the hell out, would punch the thing in the face, and would run back to my car; but that's just me).
He arrives in Equestria after being hit by a car and is immediately forced to explain what the hell is happening on his end while Twilight very briefly explains what alicorns are and who the alicorns are. Rather than freak the hell out Timber remains unusually calm and collective even when seeing a baby dragon. Thats about it really. It kind of just stops. Obviously there will be more chapters after this, and aside from the multiple things I pointed out just now there are so many grammatical errors and a few spelling errors that I didn't point out. At one point Timber noticed how ponies cowered from Twilight like she was a goddess... Oh jeez, alright Timber spelled it coward and the ponies cowered from Twilight? Most of the time they barely acknowledge that she is royalty.
Look, you probably put quite a bit of work into this and my words may sting and evoke negative emotions from you but you need an editor to look over this one badly and need to slow down. Explain a bit. It would be nice to get some background on Timber as a character before he is whisked off and make some of the scenes less rushed. The scene where he meets the first pony and she dies could have had a bit of emotion while the dying messenger experiences her last moments and Timber is her only company, she even said she had about 5-10 minutes left before dying just after Timber turns his back for a moment. There's over-explaining it where the author writes down everything in incredible detail like the story took a shot of heroine, and there's under-explaining where the story zooms along with minimal detail like it took a line of cocaine. This is under-explained. Just try to take my advice to heart and fix this story, although if your half as sensitive as some of the other writers I'v met on here you might just delete this comment before even reaching this end part.
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Every Now and then, people need some hard facts, Yeah, I rushed it a bit, but I will put in a little more effort to put detail in and not rush.