POV: BurningAxe
My hoof lingers on the kiss on my cheek. It's been nearly a month since that kiss and I still remember the feeling of it like it was yesterday. My eyes roam over the countless apple trees that glow the same vibrant green color. I sigh. That kiss...it was so unexpected, but it still sets my heart a fluttering. I relax into the dark green of the tree leaves. I can see why Rainbow Dash loves these trees. The soft feel of it, much like her fur feels every day.
“What's up pardn'er?”
“Gah!” I flap my wings straight up and stare back into the vibrant green eyes of an orange earth pony. She chuckles in a lighthearted manner and tips the straw hat at me.
“Com'on down here. You have got nothing to fear here.”
I flap my wings to land on the ground. I fold them against my body. “Sorry Applejack. You startled me there.”
“It's alright sugarcube. What were yer doing in my trees though? You weren't trying to nibble an apple or two were ya?”
I shift nervously. “Uh...no...I wasn't. I was just...uh...thinking...about stuff...” I feel a blush redden my cheeks. Applejack gives me a look. I shut my mouth.
“So who's the mare?”
“What!?” My wings flap open in surprise. “Uh...I...uhh...there is no...uh...mare...”
She gives me another look. Before I can say anything, she deadpans with her look once more. “Sugarcube, have you even asked Natures Fury out on a date?” My eyes widen in surprise and I stammer out an answer.
“But...how...when...how...did...?”
She lets out a sigh. “Right...listen here pardn'er. Whenever you want to say you like a mare, but you want to keep it secret, don't do it in my barn. It is my barn after all.” I nod in acknowledgment. She tilts her head for a second. “Though I will admit that it was really cute watching y'all.”
I stammer. “Could...could...you keep it a secret?”
“For how long?”
“At least till I make it official?”
She nods. “I pinkie promise to not tell any colt, mare or stallion until you have asked her out. Cross my heart, hope to fly and stick a cupcake in my eye.” She performs the hoof motions as she speaks. I let out a breath. “Thanks Applejack.”
“No problem. Ask her out soon, as I am getting slightly impatient.”
I appraise her with an eye. “You? Impatient?”
She shakes her head. “Maybe not me...but look up at that cloud and tell me what you see.”
I look up at the cloud she pointed to. “Uh...” I frown. My eyes glance over a rainbow tail hanging off the cloud. “You have got to be kidding me...why does she know?”
Applejack shrugs. “It's Rainbow Dash. She is the best at finding out secrets of everypony else. Well, aside from Pinkie Pie, but she don't count.”
I facehoof. I should have seen that coming. “Who else knows?”
“Honestly sugarcube, it's just us three. And maybe Pinkie, but...it's Pinkie. Can't blame me for that one pardn'er. But ask her out soon, RD here is getting impatient, and I can't be held responsible for any um...motivational tactics that Rainbow Dash may use.”
I groan. “So how long do I have?”
I hear a shout from the cloud. “A week tops!”
I facehoof. “You're not helping Rainbow Dash!”
“Well, if it stops you from moping in my favorite tree, I'm all for it! One week!”
Applejack's voice interrupts my frustration. “Well, you heard the mare. Go on ahead.”
I shut my muzzle before I say anything stupid. I flap my wings and take off towards the town of Ponyville.
TIME: The next day...
I open my muzzle to speak as Natures Fury passes me by. “Uh...Natures Fury?”
She stops and looks at me. “Hey Burning Axe! I haven't seen you in a while! What have you been up to?”
“Oh, you know me...the same old, the same old.”
She looks me over. “Are you all right?”
“Oh ya! Never been better!”
She giggles. “Now you're reminding me of Pinkie Pie. That crazy mare.” She laughs again. I listen to the soft melodious tone of her laughter causing me to blush again.
“Seriously though, what have you been up to?”
I gulp. “I've been good. Just wanted to say hi. But I have to go now!” I turn around and fly away. Behind me I hear a question.
“What just happened? I'm so confused.” I hear the angelic laughter follow me once more...
TIME: One week later
Applejack looks up at me in the tree. I sigh dejectedly. “I just can't do it Applejack. I mean, she did kiss me, but I'm scared. What if she says no?”
She shrugs. “All I know is that you need to ask her soon. I've manage to persuade Rainbow Dash to give you two more weeks.”
I glance at her. “Really?”
“TWO WEEKS TOPS BIG GUY!”
Applejack chuckles. I flinch at Rainbow Dash's voice. “Seriously Rainbow Dash?”
“YES REALLY! NOW GO OUT THERE AND BE AWESOME!”
I groan. “She's not helping...”
Applejack smiles at me. “I know...but I have to protect you. Besides all you need is a...little...ahem...motivation?”
I question Applejack. “Motivation?”
“Well you do like her right?”
“Yes...”
“So all you need sugarcube is incentive to do it!”
“And what could you say to motivate me? If even the threat of Rainbow Dash can't make me overcome my fears, then what can?”
“The Cutie Mark Crusaders Matchmakers.”
“Uh...what?” My ears flatten at the sound of that. “But you promised not to tell anypony...so you can't tell them.”
“I can tell them.”
“But you would break your Pinkie promise!”
“What did I say?”
“You Pinkie promised not to tell anypony!”
“Wrong.”
“What...” I stumble over my words. “What do you mean?”
“I Pinkie promised not to tell any colt, mare and stallion.”
I frown...but that still means...
Wait...colt...mare...stallion...
“You didn't Applejack...tell me you did not do that?”
“Then what do you want to hear?”
I bury my face in my wings. “Just tell me what you're going to do already.”
“Alrighty pardn'er. I hate to do this, but in order to protect your flank there from Rainbow Dash, you have until the end of this week to ask her out, or I'll tell Apple Bloom myself.”
“Why...why must you do this to me?”
“IT WAS EITHER THAT OR KIDNAP YOU AND LOCK YOU IN A CAGE COURTESY OF TWILIGHT UNTIL YOU ASKED HER OUT!”
My eye twitches at the sound of Rainbow’s voice. I look at Applejack. She nods in confirmation to my silent question. I groan. “Fine.”
“That's the spirit pardn'er!”
Dear Celestia, what have I gotten myself into?
“Don't worry though. It's up to you as to how you want to ask her out. Just do it before Rainbow Dash runs out of patience. I would hate to explain why you and Natures Fury are in a cage.”
That's actually strangely encouraging. I guess it can't be all that bad...I'll be able to ask her to a date sooner or later...
TIME: A day later
How do I ask her out? I know she likes me...or is at least willing to give me a chance! So why am I so nervous? It's nerve-wracking!
I see Natures Fury walk over to me. “Ok, what was up with the letter again? I've told you, don't bother with the letters.” Her laughter echoes around me. “Just come to me and say it. But anyways, what did you want to see me about?”
I mumble. She looks at me. “What was that?”
I mumble again. I feel the drip drops of rain drops hit my head and I look up. Above me is a cloud. I look closer at the cloud and see a rainbow colored tail poke out from the cloud. I gulp.
I speak at speeds to rival Pinkie Pie. “Will you go on a date with me?”
“Uh...what?”
I repeat myself, barely slowing down cause of my nervousness. “Will you go out with me?”
“Uh...sure...” She giggles. “Slow down a little next time, ok?”
“Mmmkay!” I peck her on the cheek without thinking. I blush heavily. “Meet me at Sugarcube Corner at sunset! Got to go, bye now, thanks for chatting!” I flap my wings hard to take off. Behind me I hear the angelic laughter following my flight.
TIME: Sunset
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I'm so nervous! I walk into sugarcube corner. Wait...I forgot to reserve a seat! What if there is no seats for me and her? I will die of embarrassment!
“OH! YOU FINALLY MADE IT!”
“Gah!” I flap my wings, ramming my head into the ceiling of sugarcube corner. “Nggggghhhhh....” I groan. I look downwards and see Pinkie Pie below me.
“SILLY PONY! I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ALL DAY!”
I blink. “How did you know I was coming?”
“Simple! I got a back ache, followed by my two legs twitching. After that, I got two slow shivers that enveloped my entire body!”
“And that means what?”
“That a couple was going to be going on their first date! Then I got two ear flops separated by an eye twitch just now letting me know that the next two ponies, separated by one pony, to walk in were the couple!”
The bell of Sugarcube Corner rings. Pinkie looks on over. “HI RARITY! HEAD ON OVER TO THE BACK! READY FOR THIS??”
“I sure am. Who are the two lucky ponies?”
“SECRET! NOW SHOO! SHE'S ALMOST HERE!”
I fold my wings in and land softly on the ground. “Uh, Pinkie, I'm not sure how I feel about you setting up a dinner for us...”
“Don't worry! It's going to be great!” The bell rings and I look on over and see Natures Fury walk in the door. I hear her say, “Where is Burning Axe...oh there you are!”
“OH! THIS IS YOUR DATE!?!? I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU TWO! Come on back here! Everything is set up!” She grabs me and Natures Fury and drags us to the back of the store.
I mutter. “Pinkie? What are you doing?”
“Taking you to your table! Everything is ready complete with a waiter!”
“Pinkie, don't take offense but, I'm not sure if you would be the best waiter for this event! And...” I trail off. I gape at the scene set before me. In a quiet area of the store, where the commotion from the rest of the store is barely heard, is a table set for two. Two candles decorate the table, with the entire scene decorated with various flora and candles. The building opens up to reveal a beautiful view of the sunset and the night sky that is beginning to peak out from the light of day. Wow...
Natures quiet voice shakes me from my reverie. “Wow. Pinkie, you've really outdone yourself today.”
“THANKS! And don't worry Burning! I'm not your waiter today!”
“Wait what? Then who is?”
“As much as I would love to be your waiter today, I know I'm not the best for your date.”
“So who is our waiter?”
I hear an elegant voice speak up. “Why, darling, I will be.. And I must say, you two look absolutely fabulous together!”
I blink. I look over and see Rarity all dressed up. “You?”
Pinkie Pie's chipper voice answers for Rarity. “Of course! Now, if you excuse me, I need to help the Cakes at the counter. Cheers!”
I glance at the view. I see Applejack off in the distance. I look at her, and she does a wink towards me. Above Applejack, reclining in a cloud is Rainbow Dash. She waves towards me. I mouth a thank you towards them. They nod, and then Rainbow Dash and Applejack leave my view. I smile.
“Well, Burning, shall we begin?”
I nod. My grin grows as I turn towards my date. “I would be happy to.” I offer the chair towards Natures Fury, and she takes it. I sit down across from her.
“You know, maybe this won't be so bad after all...” I notice Natures' ears perk up at my words. She looks at me calmly.
“Burning, all you had to do was ask. I had made up my mind back when I had kissed you in the barn. All you had to do was ask.”
“I know. I know.”
She looks back at her menu. “Nature?”
“Yes Burning?”
“Thank you.”
She looks over her menu at me. She lets out a short giggle. “You're welcome Burning.”
Who knows? This may work out...but for now, I'm just going to enjoy the rest of this date.
“May I take your order darlings?”
Very well done, for the most part. The part where Rainbow Dash was angry about him stealing her tree, especially, made me laugh-- a lot.
Good work.
6491753 Oh my gosh...oh my gosh! Thank you for reviewing! I just want to fangirl right now! *squeel* Well, technically, I'm not a girl, but whatever! I'm so happy!
I'm so thankful to hear from a fellow author that you liked it! It's always an honor for someone to read my stuff, but it's so much better when they like it! So thank you for that!
Now, if I could ask for a couple minutes of your time, (I mean, if you want to, if you don't, feel free not to), but is there anything you see that I could improve on?
6491829 Haha. I know, getting comments is one of the best feelings you can get. Though I don't know whether fangirl is the right word... more excited really. Sure, if you want some pointers I'll gladly help you out.
The main thing I think you should watch out for, and can sometimes be grating, is the way your characters speak. In some parts your extremely close to the character and have extremely well built sentences, but at other times it just falls flat. You have to read some of those sentences out loud to yourself (the main one that springs to mind right now is when RD threatens to throw Burning in a cage, which needs some punctuation. It hurts to read it out loud the way it is, which means it's impossible to say). Reading out loud, throwing all of your pride and care for your story aside, is the best way to get the most out of your dialogue. Ask whether or not you could say that if you were the character. Is it too fast? Do I have natural breathing points where commas etc. should be? Is there (in the case of an accent) a missing letter or an undulation of the voice that I need to put on paper?
It never hurts to go back to the show to look over speech. If you listen carefully to the way, for example RD speaks, you'll hear that yes she does have a raspy voice and can yell sometimes but that if Ashleigh is forced to yell she does it in short breaths. She has a break. As Applejack she takes her time and goes through the words one at a time (read through your dialogue again, I'm sure you'll find some examples of where this isn't the case).
TRY NOT TO USE CAP LOCKS ON EVERYTHING PINKIE AND RD SAY. Although caps locks is a great way, and kind of a cheat's way sometimes, to show that somebody's being loud if it's done too much it can hurt your head to read it. You have to be aware of this and don't put too much caps locks in, speech tags and exclamation marks exist for a reason, you know?
One great story flaw goes along with this, in that you have to be able to judge your reader's reactions and have the characters respond accordingly. If Pinkie is shouting all the time, giving even the reader's the feel of a headache, than it's only fair to assume your characters will have them also. Constantly be thinking about the reader and, by making the characters react in the same way, you'll be giving them a connection to your story that they won't be able to get away from.
Inconsistencies-- now that's a word that no writer wants to here. Unfortunately whilst your writing you do have a tendency to become so involved in the words that you forget all that just happened. For example-- Nature's Fury (in this story and the last shipfic of BurningFury) mentions how crazy Pinkie Pie is and laugh, like she understands something a non-MLP watcher (or heck, who knows, maybe even somebody who watches MLP) doesn't. This implies she knows her, yet when Pinkie Pie (who we've seen in previous episodes knows everything about everypony) sees her come in neither one of them greet each other as if they know each other. In fact, Pinkie just calls her 'your date' (Burning)-- wouldn't she say something like 'Oh, Nature's your date' or something, just to show that she is staying true to her character and the subtle hint of a friendship between your character and the shows.
There was good use of the first person, and I commend you for how well you developed Burning's character with his internal thoughts, but one thing that should be edited is the switches in tense. At parts it can be a tad confusing over whether it's in the present or the past. Although there are times when writer's have managed to pull off using more than one tense, for the most part it is best to stick to one (especially in a story so short) so it's not jarring for your readers.
Yeah-- erm-- I think that's it. Like I said before, there were parts of your story where I laughed and parts that were really quite sweet and, on the whole, for a short little scene it was really well written. Keep up the good work and I hoped my rambling review helped you a bit.
Now, onto writing the next shipfic (yes, I'm that horrible person from the video comments who just loves torturing myself by writing romance that I can't do).
-- Your friendly, neighbourhood DreamWings (wow, it's been a while since I wrote that).
EDIT: Wow, just realised how long you've been on FimFic. Well, welcome to the site, buddy. I hope you have fun on here. I know I wouldn't be where I am as a writer now without this place.