I know it maybe hard to picture a toddler doing what Pumpkin is doing and thinking in this story; but hey, it's My little pony; 4th generation! Things are going to be more intense; as far as Pound goes, he won't go psycho, but he does senses what's going on. That will be shown soon. Again, thank you to all those checking out my story. (Man, I feel a little right now.)
685639 For me, I can see some kind of logic behind all this. Logic meaning how it's actually believable. This is being incredibly lenient though as the whole situation is rather questionable. I find plausibility in this from how we have already seen strong magical ability being used by pumpkin and, arguably, relatively mature emotional response to a given situation. I find it working so far but I think your biggest hazard right now is pushing it a bit too far and making a Michael Myers thing out of it so I'd be careful about that. I know you said there would be no deaths involved, but there is still a line there that shouldn't be crossed. Not trying to tell you how to write your story, just a friendly warning
Quick tip for writing too: "...and the experience kind of threw her brain for a loop..." "Whatever happened here must have thrown you for a loop."
Not really a good idea using the same phrase twice in such a short period like this. Also, the way the previous section was written, it makes it sound like Mr. Cake is saying the same thing twice, even if the first instance was intended to be a thought. Actually, I'm not even sure that's a proper phrase to use here (The first time is fine, the second...not so much). You may want to iterate something about being in a state of shock or something like that instead. Again, just friendly advice
686378 I do appreciate your advice. I usually don't do dark and/ or somewhat violent stories, but this was too hard to pass up, and will probably be the only story that I do that is this dark. But look at it this way, there are many other stories on this site that is way worse that mine here.
I know it maybe hard to picture a toddler doing what Pumpkin is doing and thinking in this story; but hey, it's My little pony; 4th generation!
Things are going to be more intense; as far as Pound goes, he won't go psycho, but he does senses what's going on. That will be shown soon.
Again, thank you to all those checking out my story.
(Man, I feel a little right now.)
685639 For me, I can see some kind of logic behind all this. Logic meaning how it's actually believable. This is being incredibly lenient though as the whole situation is rather questionable. I find plausibility in this from how we have already seen strong magical ability being used by pumpkin and, arguably, relatively mature emotional response to a given situation. I find it working so far but I think your biggest hazard right now is pushing it a bit too far and making a Michael Myers thing out of it so I'd be careful about that. I know you said there would be no deaths involved, but there is still a line there that shouldn't be crossed. Not trying to tell you how to write your story, just a friendly warning
Quick tip for writing too: "...and the experience kind of threw her brain for a loop..."
"Whatever happened here must have thrown you for a loop."
Not really a good idea using the same phrase twice in such a short period like this. Also, the way the previous section was written, it makes it sound like Mr. Cake is saying the same thing twice, even if the first instance was intended to be a thought. Actually, I'm not even sure that's a proper phrase to use here (The first time is fine, the second...not so much). You may want to iterate something about being in a state of shock or something like that instead.
Again, just friendly advice
686378
I do appreciate your advice. I usually don't do dark and/ or somewhat violent stories, but this was too hard to pass up, and will probably be the only story that I do that is this dark. But look at it this way, there are many other stories on this site that is way worse that mine here.
676494
Then stay tuned... as the story continues!
This is good she became like Stewie Griffin
The last line made me think of this Hilter