FALLOUT EQUESTRIA : NEW ROAM
By Delvius
VOLUME II
Gods and Kings
(Linky -- the music video that I believe represents the feel of 'Gods and Kings')
Roam is at war. Its citizens are at war; her protectors are at war; her enemies are at war. None enter the city without facing the conflict promised by the culture of a war-like Roam. The mountains continue to erupt fire; the blackness stirs in the south; and the two powerful entities of blue and green are locked still in conflict. The very air that is breathed is the ashes of a defeated entity, blown to Hades by the shells and flames of hate.
And it is up to Goldwreath to stop it, even as he wars with himself. But not alone, of course. This time he has friends; more than just that, he has allies. The Legion he'd thought hated him has taken him in with open hooves, and together they will rebuild the city and reclaim the lost glory of Roam. It will be tough, to be sure. But Goldwreath is ready to face whatever challenge awaits him, and maybe discover the secrets of the most sinister trickery in Roaman history along the way; a trickery that ended the world.
The question now is: what is he willing to give up for his ambitions?
This chapter will be a fierce monster to tame! Charge!!!!!
2169413>>2169764>>2169765 Yes, I understand the ridiculous length my story will entail. But I promise you all that if you stay with it to the end, great things will come to you.
2169846 Oh, perhaps a bit shorter, just a bit.
2169921 You've read the entire chapter already? Son of a gun...
And anyway, I'll delve deeper into Vesperius' spiritual beliefs in later chapters.
Also, why would ARoundcorner feel ashamed?
2169981 2170632>>2169765
because he/you cheated, jumping to the end of the text just to post first. and i assume that's what he/you did since he didn't comment on the chapter (until after)
also,yeah I can read pretty fast
2170676 Dayumn. Well, glad you've read it so quick! I'd sure love your thoughts, if you ever typed them down.
2169765>>2170676
Both of you just stop... Simply stop, you are not putting yourself in better views because of this... And if someone should have a first is it me because I pre-read half of the chapter
2171166 did you read the rest of it?
2171249
dude your chapter is 2/3 of the first harry potter book, so sorry no. Beside that are there still a lot of chapters that I am missing to read
2171259 alltheragefaces.com/img/faces/large/okay-okay-l.png
2169846 I have no problem with that.
2171913 Ah yes, the Colosseum scene. Yes, GW did wait a little long before acting, but he's the type of person that subconsciously lets emotions build up and explode, if you haven't noticed. Remember what he nearly did to Myst?
Oh yes, Flav is awesome. A little... eccentric, but awesome. I needed to add a careless-not careless character, after all.
And yes, Vesperius is... rather odd, even for me. If I met him in real life, well... I'd find his objectivity of paperwork a little strange as well.
Thanks for the comment and encouragement Reg, always love to see them here.
2171996 oh, mayhe just a BIT shorter than PH.
2170676
I suppose we play the first game differently then.
I thought it was whoever found the new installment first. Sorry, haha,
2172384 its ok, i was mainly teasing you since i didn't get first. (wasn't really expecting a big commotion to get started from that comment)
2171166 dude, calm yourself. when we start throwing out angry .gifs and emoticons, then you know we're serious.
(congrats on being a pre-reader though)
An awesome first volume you have here, good sir. Looking forward to more
2172247Ohai Garuu! Been a while since I last saw you here.
Anyways, it's actually 121 pages, according to Pages for iPad. So, yeah... Hope you like the chapter, and I'm dying to hear what you have to say of the story so far, if that's not too much to ask?
2172931 Thanks Isky, always love the encouragement. I don't suppose I could kindly ask for your thoughts?
2176244 haha, thanks dude! I'd sure love to hear what you have to say, maybe your thoughts for the future of the story etc.
That is, um, if that's okay with you...
For being the source of zebra lore for most of the sub-fandom Fo:E does I hereby on this day give this story my stamp of approval
th04.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2013/056/8/a/commission__brony_seal_of_approval_by_shrineart-d5w6301.png
2178189 And here I'd always thought you approved of the story.
Ah well, good to receive the mark now, anyway.
2179003
Well... We can call it official now then
Yay volume 2! Alright , what I don't like is how the explanation of tod and Tom is, they both are gods made by the wasteland, but where are they now? How come no one has heard of them? Why are they even there?
Question 2, Predator, I have a twinge of a feeling about who he is but he's very mysterious, what made him the way he is? (Also I keep thinking of a pony in a predator outfit from aliens vs predator. :)
Q3 Can I hug Myst?
2187731 Alright, first off, I never really confirmed what exactly Tom and Tod are; though that'll be explained in volume II. And next... hug Myst all you want.
2189205
Thanks :).
YAY Glomp, ..... Myst are you okay?
2201406 Ayep it does! I hope that, while the initial start chapter of my second arc may not be TOO bombastic or enthralling in any way, that people will still take the interest to read it through.
2224894 Thanks for the comment and the corrections, pal. I sure do wish Pages for iPad just magically knew what I wanted to right and automatically fix "correctly spelled but not appropriate words", but that's impossible.
Anyways, glad you like the chapter! Yes, I tried to make the Colosseum scenes intense, and hoped to add a little comic relief in Flav afterwards. I also really tried to make the arrival at the Forum... feel like it took a month. You know, the gravity of the event must be high.
2226773 a mistake that deserves many facehoofs.
2232440 Ah, thank you for the correction, my good man.
Seeing as I've finally caught up to the most recent chapter, the volume II marker is as good a spot as any to leave my review of this fic thus far.
Okay, so. I like it. Very much.
The story has been gripping and interesting, if a bit head-spinning with how many storylines and subplots seem to crop up. But I think you juggle it all well. In fact I quite like how you seem to weave things together. It makes me eager to see what else will happen and how existing issues will be resolved. You certainly have a knack for detail and I find your action scenes are paced well.
I quite enjoy the dialogue and the monologues have been fantastic, some of them even totally epic. Even the cheesy reference-lines make me smirk. However I must say there are times I feel Goldwreath's internal monologues feel much different than his external dialogue. Is this intentional to reflect his narrator's role or is there a reason? Or perhaps it's just me.
The characters I find all have grown on me. Goldwreath (as well as Doodle) I liked off the bat, I empathize greatly with his "Roamaphilia" and he's an all around interesting, youthfully-ambitious yet conflicted character. And I really dig the air of destiny about him. Myst and Skyfire took me a little bit though. Being introduced fairly early on, I was wary. I feared at first that Myst and Skyfire were going to just be Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash expy's. But as you fleshed out their back-stories and brought about character development (thanks to the many events that have passed), they've since become their own selves. Skyfire becoming more humble has been very interesting to see unfolding, and Myst developing such phobias due to nearly being raped, deep stuff. Predator's enigmatic nature has always made him interesting. The way he switches between anti-hero, anti-villian, genuine good guy and genuine bad guy is well done I think. The other characters I find are all at the least serviceable, and more often than not, likable. I really liked how varied Flavianus is compared to the Legate for instance. It could just be me but there seems to be visible improvement in how you've handled characters from the beginning to now.
I'm a fan of shipping, and I think the latest stuff between Myst and Goldwreath has been adorable. But their relationship seemed to come on a little fast. At least I thought it would be slower to develop. Regardless, I still think they're cute, and I really hope to see Goldwreath's fidelity to Myst tested again later on (perhaps in the form of Tod trying to fuck with him).
There's so much more I want to write but I can't think of anything at the moment. Your grammar is fine, I've noticed a few typos and the like but nothing serious. Honestly I think you're a very good writer who is just starting to bud. I seriously cannot wait to read the next chapter. Where I will hopefully be able to give better, chapter-specific reviews.
2257889 Well, that's quite the well-rounded comment you have there, and one I appreciate very much! If only all comments could be like this...
Yeah, I try very hard to make my dialogue/monologues interesting, as well as my scenery painting. See, the general atmosphere I'm trying to get off here is Roam = land of philosophy/place where people really think about life and stuff. Such is Goldwreath. About his monologues, though... yeah, he doesn't express his internal thoughts externally as he does internally, except for certain occasions like in the Colosseum.
Glad to know that you like the characters, even Predator! Quite the relief, as I had thought I was making them... I don't know, bland? One-dimensional? Fixated on the same problems? Angsty? So on and so forth. I try not to feel that way, but it just happens.
And lastly, that means a lot, dude. I really like to hear some appreciation from the fans, or at the very least reasons why they aren't fans (aka, they don't like the fic; one of the reasons I don't mind the dislikes without an explanation).
2226446 That... that I might just explain...
Ok having caught up completely with what is written Im gona provide some feed back.
Over all you are writing an excellent story. The characters have quite a bit if depth and thought put into them and you put your knowledge of Roam to good use in many locations. I especially enjoy Predator's struggles with his inner demons. Myst's shy demeanor most of the time balanced with the occasional flash of assertiveness provides me with amusement as I am often prone in the real world to similar behavior. Goldwreath stuffing his emotional baggage into a mental closet is amusing though he should in time have a pretty big melt down as a result.
I am however going to point out a few flaws as well in no special order. First and foremost is that you have borrowed to heavily from the real world. Putting a pony spin on things is good, but more originality on your part would be better. This is a hang up I am seeing in a number of stories so while its big in its way its not that big. Second is that while you have a good post apocalypse feel going you have completely failed to capture the Fallout Universe feel. If you have never played the games you may not be aware but Fallout is placed in the future as seen by people in the 50's and early 60's. The fall out 3 video as an example starts off focused on a vacuum tube radio as an example. Your introduction of an AI armored transport alone blows that feel right out of the water. Then you have concepts like solar cells and holograms and such just to drive the nail home. Third I have to point out that while you clearly fan gasm over Roam I don't think you truly comprehend why it was such a power in its time. Roam stood proud in its time because unlike much of the rest of the world It didn't field armies of warriors but armies of soldiers. Because they truly fought as disciplined units they had an immense advantage over most of the other groups they fought who fought as individuals. That advantage in modern times is lost due to everyone understanding the advantage of fighting as a cohesive group. So when I see Roman battle tactics ancient times used in your story be effective I have to shake my head and wonder at it. A shield wall for example is useless against modern weapons. Last thing I will bring up is the fact that your ponies more and more are acting like bipeds and less and less like quadrupeds. While there is nothing wrong in my opinion with anthromophic ponies it does break the MLPFiM feel.
I will end this by repeating myself, this is overall a great story I just feel you have strained the genre past its breaking points. Had you posted this as just an independent story on a furry website with no reference to MLP or Fallout I would have given it a 5/5 vote.
2259343 Ah well, can't please everyone with your vision, right?
Yeah I have played Fallout. It's just that the zebras even in the original FoE were depicted as supposedly using robots a LOT, hence greater technological advances than Equestria, or so I'd think. And yeah, ancient tactics in the modern world may not be very effective if they didn't adapt at all and still used the exact same equipment. In my case, every Legionnaire comes standard with rifles and balistic shields instead of the typical ancient lorica, and their armor has changed likewise. As for the zebras being like bipeds? Well, FoE and PH do depict them as being able to stand on their hind legs and hold with their forelegs, so...
Over all Im pleased with the story! Dont take my critisims as a sign that I think you should stop!
While Zebra's are depicted as standing on hind legs yes you have on numerous occasions had Goldenwreath do the same, and acting as if they are capable of using two pieces of gear at the same time. In your story thats going to be fine but sets it aside in my humble opinion form other pony stories. As for the shields, I would think the reason you don't see shield walls in Rl military actions is simply that a grenade or other explosive device would cause to much of a disruption to make it effective.
I just pointed out what I felt were weakness in an effort to give you something to think about next time you start a story. You don't need to change on my account by anymeans. Its just I know how much I like feed back on my writing thats constructive.
2259385 I know what you were trying to say and I'm not offended. I'd comment well on your story too... if you had a story I could find.
I am working on something to post here, my stories are over on SoFurry and would likely cause a lot of people to have a melt down if they read them here. So far all the stories I have read here have gotten only to the more or less soft porn level sex tag or no with one exception. The stories I have written are both far more graphic and are based on both wishful thinking and personal nightmares and have elements that many people would find objectionable in most places so I will be writing completely new concepts in some ways when I do post here.
2259421 Well, if you linked me, I might find the time to read.
I sent the link by email rather than public post.
2259551 Okay then.
2257889 One more question... fidelity? When exactly was GW unfaithful?
2259901
When he was swooning over Skyfire before realizing it. That seemed like a moment of weakness to me, one that might prove interesting to explore. Affairs of the heart are powerful and can strike down, or at least give great pause, to the mightiest of warriors. A weakness any cunning and devious foe would exploit.
Also, Ghostpony brought up some interesting things. Namely the world, it's setting and technology:
I personally like where it's been taken for the most part. Fallout's supposed to be a retro-futuristic feel, true. But eh, It's no more or less immersing to me than this fic is. To be completely frank; retro-futuristic societies are neat fiction but taking it seriously would be silly. As no society develops that stagnantly. In this story however it's a little more actual futuristic. Which I think is more plausible. Especially considering this is a world where magic also exists.
Speaking of magic & technology; I had always assumed this stories shields and ancient-style armors and such, that seemed effective at being somewhat bullet resistant, was due to advanced techno-magical metallurgy that enabled armors and shields to catch up a little to firearms. At least that's kinda my headcanon, will you perhaps be explaining this in the story? Or better yet, does the original FO:E mention any of the impact that magic has had on the technological leap the universe makes from the real FiM?
I ask because, well, this is still my first and only Fallout: Equestria fic.
2263703 Oh yes, trust Tod to exploit that weakness.
As for the armor, Equestria utilizes magic FAR more than Roam, hence their power armor metal is magically enhanced. Roam, though, uses technology in contrast to magic. If you look over the memory orbs, you'll see that I described the armor as -- for the typical Lgionnaire -- a kevlar reminiscent of lorica segmentata. For the power armored juggernauts and Roamana Legionnaires and somesuch, they purely technological armor that usesa MAGICAL power source.
Ahh yes I actually figured that. Makes for an interesting contrast for sure. But what I meant by that wasn't so much that the armor and weapons are magical or run on magic, but rather they used a blended mix of science and innate magical essence to forge superior metals and other material. Enabling them to utalize metals and plastics in ways we cannot. Steel for instance can only become so strong with tempering and such. There comes a point where if you want it to be stronger, you need to rearrange it's atomic structure a bit. That is where I assume some magic would come in. Because doing so with conventional means would be incredably expensive to mass produce.
Sorry for, I'm just a stickler for details like that.
2265277 Well, your hypothesis is actually correct.
2265471 GOOD NEWS! I will soon be able to do the live read out of your book very soon with my awful voice :P.
I have just moved house and found out if I close the door to my room it becomes sound proof all of a sudden. so that will make the recording easier.
so the first chapter will be read out in maybe a week or two but it will be done. :)
I still need to wait for my laptop to be repaired first... which should be done today I hope but my luck isn't the best so we'll see.
2265471 oh and by the way ive wanted to say this for a while...
that part in chapter 10 where operative Balaclava, Butterscotch (in disguise), Doomtune (in disguise) and Goldwreath are all in the top floor of the bandit building and their all pointing the guns at each other it reminded me of that part from Pirates of the Caribbean where they just came back from Davy jones locker and they all point the guns at each other and then just start laughing for no reason. it cracked me up so good.
2267343>>2267300 Haha, yeah, I was actually kind of imagining that scene too.
And that's good to hear! Hopefully the internet will not be exposed to the gigantic amount of typo's...
2268612 don't worry I've got this program that corrects tons of spelling mistakes as I've made like 3 of them typing this and it auto corrected :)
2268663 Oh, cool!