A Certain Unremarkable Sparkle In Equestria {An anthology of bad ideas...}

by Bumblebee Tuner

Binky's Friend Chapter 3

Binky's Friend
Chapter 3
Death Takes a Holiday

Diamond was in Ms. Cheerilee's class pondering the meaning of life the universe and everything else as she sat quietly in critical silence. She glared at Silver Spoon who was doubtlessly ignoring her over some imagined slight or transgression as she wrote or doodled something in her notebook. Seriously, it was almost as if Silver Spoon was as dead from the neck up as the rest of the staff at her family mansion.

“She's probably writing up futa' and yaoi' porn again.” Diamond thought to herself as she recalled the oddly titled 'Pony's Master Bait' featuring Fluttershy, Big Macintosh, and his cousin Braeburn down at the local fishing hole. . . Needless to say the story gave new meaning to the classic 'you've got a line and I've got a pole.' Diamond wasn't even sure why she read the darn thing in the first place, there were just some things that can't be unseen. And, that sort of thing was best left to the imagination of the one who conceived it.

Ms. Cheerilee was doubtlessly teaching something that probably had limited practical utility, at least in Diamond Tiara's opinion. Some of the students were taking notes and Diamond decided to use the time more effectively by finishing up her math homework. After thinking over the events that had occurred shortly after she was bitten by the snake the preceding evening, it occurred to her that her body did feel kind of numbed all over, like she was half asleep. “I'm so confused...Was it a dream? Which part was the dream? Is it possible I'm really dead? I mean I've had breakfast. And, I'm at school... So I guess that means I'm alive. Then again...” She thought to herself “This seems awfully convenient, If hell were a place it would definitely be Ponyville.” She looked over at Silver Spoon briefly and thought about her odd behavior and that of her father's staff this morning. . . Nah, only a screwball would think the town was being overrun by changelings.

“Hey, Silver. What's my favorite color?” Diamond Tiara asked. It was a pretty stupid question, but it was the only way she could be sure Silver Spoon hadn't been replaced by a changeling or something more sinister.

Silver Spoon had a look of terror on her face for a moment, a look one would expect to see if she'd be caught writing yaoi' porn in her class notebook. “I-uh don't know. Is it blue?”

“HA!” Diamond Called out drawing the attention of the rest of the class as she pointed an accusing hoof “I knew it, You're a cha-” Silver Spoon was panicking and sweating bullets while darting her eyes around the room looking for either an ally or an escape route. “Oh...wait, I guess you're right.” The look of dumbstruck, if not nervous, relief on the obvious wolf in sheep's clothing went completely unnoticed by the narcissistic heir to the Rich family estate.

Ironically, it was Apple Bloom who was the first to speak up “Are you feeling all right Diamond?”

Diamond Tiara then groaned “Sweet Celestia, why does everything suck? This sucks. Everything SUCKS. I hate my parents, I hate this S#!7y school, I hate my S#!7y classmates, I hate the S#!7 eating pussy look I get on my face when I'm depressed. IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT EVERYTHING SUCKS!” Diamond Tiara then glared at Apple Bloom. “Maybe if some-pony were nicer to me... I... oh, F@$%! did I just say that out loud?”

This was followed by an awkward moment of silence that was broken by a smart ass remark from their teacher. “Well, Tiara, I think you'd look very pretty today if you cleaned up your mouth.”

Apple Bloom was the only one in class who laughed.

“Why don't you go suck you mother's tit blank flank?” Diamond Tiara stated contemptuously as she addressed the laughing sadist.

“My Mama's dead! You know that.” was Apple Bloom's angry retort.

“Awe, tough titties? No worries, I'm sure the maggots have cleared that up by now."

“You better get ready to DIE! Bitch.” Apple Bloom Growled. “I'm going to kill you-”

“GASP! Apple Bloom, I'm surprised at you.” Ms. Cheerilee seemed genuinely shocked to hear Apple Bloom grace her virgin ears with a threats of homicide. “Both of you are staying after class for detention."

“That ain't Fair. Ah ain't done nuffing!” Apple Bloom whined.

“Yeah! How're we supposed to get our grave digging cutie marks if Apple Bloom-” Sweetie Belle immediately piped up with her own smart remark until Cheerilee glared at her... at least Cheerilee thought it was a smart remark until Scootaloo said something that almost scared the poo out of her.

“Shut up, You're going to get us caught.” Scootaloo hissed at Sweetie Belle as Cheerilee looked at her with an expression of horrified curiosity. It was then that she realized what exactly seemed off about this morning's roll call.

“Oh my god, has anyone seen Twist?” Cheerilee asked as the cutie mark crusaders shared a guilty if not conspiratorial look between the three of them. Shockingly, it was Silver Spoon who put Ms. Cheerilee at ease.

“Uh, Yes! I saw her Ms. Cheerilee... She... was... over at Sugarcube Corner and... said she would be late... because she had to run a few errands for Ms. Chrysalis- I mean Mrs. Cake.” This was followed by a nervous laugh as she seemed to sense Twist walking into class without turning her head “Well, Speak of the devil-” although on a subconscious level Silver Spoon was thinking “Oh thank merciful Chrysalis, reinforcements have arrived.”

“Sorry I'm late Miz Cheerilee-” The look of horror on the crusaders faces as they slowly turned their heads in the direction of Twist, who seemed to have the same glazed expression Silver Spoon was wearing this morning hadn't done anything to put her at ease. “I had to... do stuff. For...Pinkie Pie.”

“That's quite all right. I wasn't teaching anything important anyway.” The crusaders all had a paler that reflected the horrified look on their collected faces, as if they had just seen a ghost.

“AHA! I knew it!” Diamond Tiara Cheered triumphantly, having confirmed Ms. Cheerilee was nothing more than a glorified babysitter.

“I'm not a changeling Tiara, and Silver Spoon isn't one either. You're just a Screwball.” Said Twist.

“Wait, I never said-” Diamond Tiara was starting to connect the appropriate dots. This wasn't hell, either this was a changeling invasion or she was still tripping balls from the leftover snake venom in her system... and, she wasn't even entirely sure the snake was real. “Oh Luna, I hope I'm still asleep.”

“Oh, thank Celestia, it's just another changeling. I was worried Binky might have gotten lonely again.” Scootaloo sighed in relief.

“Who's Binky?” Sweetie Belle asked. Having overlooked the fact that Scootaloo had confirmed Twist was indeed a changeling.

“Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies.” Was all Scootaloo was willing to offer on the subject.

“Wah-wow, that-that hole jus' cleared right up. Didn't it?” Apple Bloom laughed nervously “I'm ah guessing tha boo-lay jest grazed you- didn't it? You, should'na done that. You had us awl skeered there for a while Twist. An One oh' these dayz your gon'na have to tell us how you did that trick, cause that sure as shootin' didn't look like jello.

“For the love of-” Scootaloo face hoofed “Apple Bloom. That ain't Twist, the real Twist is still sleeping down at the clubhouse gathering mushrooms and blowflies.”

“But, if she was just sleeping, then why'd you tell us she was dead?” Sweetie Belle asked innocently.

Scootaloo started to bang her head on the desk with several thumps in rapid succession. While mumbling something about the confederacy of idiots around her.

Ms. Cheerilee chose that moment to disassociate from the reality of what was coming from the mouth of babes. It finally happened. She was having that nervous breakdown her professor told her she'd have if she started teaching in students Ponyville. She didn't want to believe all the stories about everyone in Ponyville eventually going crazy. Twist was clearly alive. The cutie mark crusaders were definitely not murderers, and Diamond Tiara definitely hadn't grown an extra pair of eye balls at the base of her hoof that were now blinking at her.

Diamond Tiara chose that moment to play heads up seven up in a shameful moment of her depression spiral. She lay her face on the desk and brought both hooves to cover her ears. Diamond had to admit Scootaloo had the right idea. If only she could block out the world around her for just a few hours more __then__ she wouldn't have to deal with anything, or anyone, more stupid then her own damned self. “Arg! Everyone hates me.” Diamond thought to herself “What I wouldn't give to just be left alone, to be forgotten. I wish I could just go home, fall asleep, and forget the school day and all my problems never existed. . . Diamond could have sworn she heard an arrogant jerk say something along the lines of “your wish is my command.” before she just kind of blacked out...

“Scotie! Hey Scotie!” Diamond Tiara said before she tore a page out of her notepad rolled it up into a ball and threw it at Scootaloo. “Hey Scotophobia, bet you didn't know I could do this. Did you, huh?”

Scootaloo opened her eyes lifted her head turned to look at Diamond Tiara with an expression of shock. Her eyes were very catlike and familiar. “Oh my god, you didn't-”

“This is called God's Possession.” Daimond Smirked. “Either that or God's curse, I'm not entirely sure... I'll have to ask daddy next time we meet.”

“Oh! So, you think this is some kind of game now screwball?” Scootaloo glared at Tiara.

“So, anyway this next question is a very difficult one.” Cheerilee had a sick smile on her face as she pretended not to notice Diamond Tiara's complete change in personality, manestyle, eye color, or Scootaloo's seemingly familiarity and reaction to a pony she knew barely engaged in two kind words with or about the filly, and even then only because she hung out with Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle on a regular basis. “Would anyone like to answer the question on the board?”

Daimond raised her left hoof and waved it in the air with a manic “ooh, ooh, ooh!” Mostly because she didn't seem to have complete conscious control of the other fore-hoof for some odd reason. She then sashayed past Scootaloo with a contemptuous smirk “When are you going to realize I'm a God?” Tiara asked. Tiara then turned to face her classmates.

“Oh my, So...You think you're a God now? That's nice.” Cheerilee smiled like one of Starlight Glimmer's happy little puppet ponies.

“Ah, Yes. Allow me to introduce myself... I am the all mighty Binky!” She then decided to use Ms. Cheerilee's desk as a makeshift lectern. “It's my first day in school. Nice to meet you! Tee-hee.” the pony formerly known as Diamond Tiara saluted the class with a goofy looking grin. “Please take good care of me. And remember to tremble in my presence.”

“Are you sure really want to do something this stupid on your first day?” Scootaloo asked.

“Holy smokes.” Button Mash commented “She's crazier than me.”

“By the way, Diamond, you really can't be seen now...” Binky said while staring off into space with a contemptuous grin. “Well, Scooter can probably see you. But, nopony else.”

Ms. Cheerilee briefly wondered if she should be documenting her student's decent into madness. And, she probably would be if she wasn't in the middle of a nervous breakdown of her own and standing three hairs away from being bat guano crazy...'Oh those cute little devil birds,' the thought flittered across her mind, 'how wonderful it would be to see them migrate.' Yes, indeedy. Maybe now would be a good time to spring for that vacation in Tartarus she'd heard so much about.

Binky then winked and smiled as she hopped onto Ms. Cheerilee's desk and stared off into space “Let me explain!” if someone happens to make a death wish I can posses their body easily like this. That's called God's Possession.” She then sighed as she sat down on the desk awkwardly “I'm actually trying it out for the first time."

“ha ha ha!” Scootaloo laughed hysterically “She's definitely got a set of pipes on her, and I agree you should give her body back you sick S.O.B.”

“I get it, I get it... my shear attractiveness can be overwhelming to mere earth ponies. I guess I should be thanking you for lending me your body. But, you see, I didn't really need the help. After all, I'm actually a god.” Binky then proudly stood up on Ms. Cheerilee's desk and posed provocatively as she addressed her classmates. “That's right every-pony, I am the all mighty God Binky! I will become the greatest god in the world and every-pony will come to worship me as their one true God. And one day, I will have everything I want at my disposal. Mua ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

“Holy cow, Diamond's a total screwball.” said Featherweight.

“Ok, I'm getting a little bit of a clingy girlfriend vibe right now...” Diamond was kind of turning to look in Featherweight's general direction. It wasn't particularly easy to tell with the glassy eyed stare. “But, I should probably be the least of your worries... it's your soul dummy, how should I know what happened to your arm?”

“Don't worry about it Diamond. It'll be alright, or I'll make it right.” Scootaloo said.

“Forget everything she just said. What's mine is mine, Dummy. And, your body is now heaven's lost property.” Binky smirked.

“Screw that, I'll keep an eye on him for you.” Scootaloo glared at the possessed pony.

“Yeah, whatever” Featherweight commented, “so long as you keep her eyes off of me.”

“Relax, you're not dead. You're more like half dead... I mean, you're not all dead. Only. Mostly dead. A little dead? Sitting on the fence...”

“Hey Screwball, you're starting to scare Featherweight.” Apple Bloom interrupted.

“ Hmm...I don't know, I'm a pretty busy guy. Maybe two bits would change my mind.”

“All of them,” Scootaloo huffed. “Literally every single one.”

“Great, I'll add you to the list.” Binky smiled maniacally.

“ha ha ha! How long's the list?” Scootaloo started laughing hysterically “Good one. Boss. That's classic.”

After lunch, the rest of the school day pretty much went off without a hitch... unfortunately nopony would remember Diamond Tiara's decent into madness any more then they would remember not to call her Screwball for the next couple of years.

Author's Note:

Yes, lazy...very, very, lazy.