I'm trotting along the Citadel thoroughfare, a large road that runs all the way from the Tin District into the Golde district, with Trixie and Dash, animatedly chatting with the former and largely ignoring the latter. It's quite nice out, I must say, and once we'd concluded our business, I decided to take them both on a tour. After all, it's been a very long time since Trixie's been around.
"So, Trixie, remember Spectral Bloom's old place? The restaurant?" Her ears perk up. She loved that place to bits way back in the day, and as we turn the corner, I point to the venerable old place. "Yeah, still here. Somehow Spectral is still alive. She's pretty ancient, you know? Still cooks just as well. We should come here tonight."
Dash sighs and rolls her eyes as Trixie barely holds back an excited squeal. "Ugh...Twilight, why are you giving us a tour? It's so pointless...Ugh. Let's just go back to our quarters." I wave my hoof at her.
"My quarters, you killjoy. You can't even get in unless I let you, now that I know your little window trick. Just try to enjoy yourself."
She opens her mouth to speak—no doubt for a pseudo-witty retort—when there's suddenly an immense boom that resounds throughout the Citadel, followed by screams. A roaring wall of flame is searing down the street at an enormous speed, leaving barely any time to think as it shoves bystanders to the side. I'm frozen to the spot as I watch the blaze close in. A white shimmer fades away as the barrier in front it bleeds away, exposing the raw heat. Then I'm launched sideways, pain in my side as Dash grabs Trixie and headbutts me to the side, tossing me out of the path of fire. Turning to the side, I watch it pass in morbid curiosity and mild terror.
Then I freeze.
Inside of the flames, there's the shape of a pony. And not just any pony. No, it's one that I know I too well.
The Solar Effigy turns to me too, glaring at me with a rage I was unaware they could feel, and continues its course for a good three hundred feet more, covering the distance in barely a blink. The dazed civilians that were shoved to the side by the now-absent forcewall look on in some brand of disbelief.
God, I'm sick of these damn fireponies. Stepping boldly out to the center of the street, I turn to the being, calling to it with a voice that belies my inner fear and turmoil: "Hey! What do you think you're doing?"
Before I can blink, it's standing threateningly in front of me, mane billowing as a cloud of intense flashing fire. Bubbling plasma seeps out of it and drips to the cobblestone below, melting through the rocks like butter. I can't help but take an involuntary step back, throwing up a foreleg to shield my eyes from the intense heat. Steeling myself, I slowly drop the appendage, leaving my eyes unprotected from the powerful brightness before me. It's like staring into a miniature sun.
"I asked," I grind out, "what do you think you're doing?"
Of course, I don't actually expect an answer from one of the Effigies. That's why I'm so surprised when I hear it speak.
"Save..." it begins in a strained voice, "She needs your..." It's eyes begin to flicker out from the angry fire, revealing something underneath, but before I can see what it is, the flames subsume it once more and it growls, prancing in place for a moment before dropping once more to its hooves.
I don't care that Celestia can see me. This is too much. "Now, you need to listen to me. You are going to leave now. You are not going to do anything like this ever again. The Sovereignty was one thing, but at this point, I'm so sick of you that you need to just leave." [1]
It flicks up in the air and, in a gout of fire, sears its way back to the Citadel. I gulp. Standing up to a figure of authority is easy. It's what comes afterwards that's painful. The windows of Celestia's tower flicker with fire in the palace, and I turn to my two companions. "Well," I choke out, "wish me luck."
Then there's a booming voice that nearly knocks me over rushing through the streets. "Come to my chambers, Ms. Sparkle. I trust you have an explanation for this."
Heaving in a deep breath, I teleport away, leaving Trixie and Dash stunned, gaping at each other. Dash is the first to speak.
"What...just happened?"
---
[1]: Lashing out is one thing, but I basically just gave a goddess an order.
---
When I arrive in her chambers, Celestia is in a high rage. Her voice blasts into and through me, echoing unnaturally as her eyes incandesce with baleful white light.
"How dare you, Twilight? I received you kindly when you returned with a fake Chalice of Tannenwyl. I let you socialize with my commanders. I have given you far more freedom than I should've."
Her horn begins to charge for a lethal nova of flame. Well, that happened a lot faster than I assumed. If I'm going to die, I might as well speak my mind, I suppose.
"You're so foolishly paranoid."
She double-takes, completely unused to hearing something like that, and her horn halts its charge. I doggedly continue. "Is that what you said to your sister, too, on that day in Canterlot Castle? When she wanted to take a turn in ruling Equestria? Is that what you told her when you tried to kill her with that spear?" I point accusingly at the weapon in the corner, and my stance goes from assertive to truly aggressive. "You are no Empress, Celestia. You are not worthy of rule. Not if you treat your subjects as disposable in your paranoid pursuit to kill one unicorn and her two friends." With a jolt, I realize that I was telling the truth. Dash really is my friend, isn't she?
If she was angry before, she's positively livid now. "Twilight Sparkle, you have no idea what you're talking about. There was no innocence in my sister, and if she's told you anything else, then she's lying to you. More went on than you think. But regardless of that, there is only one outcome to this. You are going to die."
I grin cockily at her. "I don't think so."
As her horn releases the blast, I teleport away, reappearing where Trixie and Dash are now standing. They turn to ask what happened, but before they can even speak, I grip their forelimbs and teleport again, a huge chunk of my magical power vanishing.
I don't have the power to cross the Lunar border, and I have no doubt that its guarded with an enormous regiment at this point. We can't get back to the Sovereignty. Instead, we appear in a range of unfamiliar, sun-blasted mountains a ways north of the Solar Citadel. Before either of them can say anything, I turn to Trixie. "I need to speak with Luna."
Confusion written all over her face, she shrugs and casts her spell. A window opens in space, bleeding into an array of wild colours that pulse irregularly before they suddenly consolidate into the image of the Lunar Princess. She looks just as confused as Trixie.
"Trixie? What's..." she trails off, looking at where we are, and her voice grows more serious. "What happened?"
Nudging Trixie aside, I bite out a brief summary of what just transpired, and Luna looks at me in horror. "Twilight Sparkle, you are the most insane pony I have ever had the dubious pleasure of meeting. Where are you now?"
"The Sleipnir range," Trixie cuts in, "just north of Wildglen."
Luna hisses in a breath, her voice echoing slightly. "I can't get you out of there for about a week, at the very earliest. You need to lie low, because there are going to be patrols of guards all over the Dominion. Don't die."
I nod, and Trixie severs the communication. Instantly, Dash leaps at me, knocking me on my back.
"You idiot!" she seethes, single eye burning with anger. "Do you have any idea what you've just done? Celestia isn't going to just settle for border skirmishes now! She's going to make a massive attack on Lunar lands! She'll probably go herself! The Citadel will...be..." she trails off, and after a moment, smile. "...totally abandoned."
Trixie looks in between us in confusion for a moment before her eyes widen. "Sparks, that was the most reckless gamble I've ever seen any creature take." A smile breaks onto her face. "I love it. It's just stupid enough to work." [1]
---
[1]: This is pretty much the essence of all of my plans. Kinda sad, actually.
---
We spend the next few hours finding somewhere to hide, and eventually happen upon a cave small enough to be inconspicuous, but large enough to house us all. Once we move in, I lie down, thinking. Trixie sits down next to me, recognizing the introspective look on my face. "Hey, kiddo, what's up?"
I look back up at her, feeling a definite sense of foreboding. "That Solar Effigy spoke. They're not supposed to be able to speak."
She's silent for a little while longer before she sighs. "Alright, Sparks, here's the deal. None of us can fight the Princess. You might have a hard time fighting one of her Effigies. None of us could at all. I admire your guts, and I get that you want to know this stuff, but seriously: go too deep, and you might not come back up again."
With that, she walks deeper into the cave, leaving me alone with my thoughts and Dash. She's used some water from a nearby spring to wash the dye from her fur, revealing her trademark blue-and-rainbow coloration. She's snoring in a corner. Pegasi need a lot of energy to keep flying.
Sighing, I lie down fully, closing my eyes and willing sleep to come for me.
It takes a very long time.
Damn, sun.
Where'd you get this?Jeez-o-pete. Celestia's pissed now. How did she not know it was a fake? Perhaps she did, like suspected earlier, and is just using this as an excuse to kill Twilight. But yeah, exciting stuff!
You're putting these out at an amazing rate. It takes me a week or two at least to put out a chapter.
Ha! Took her long enough. Presumably that was Celestia speaking through the Effigy? Or was the effigy strengthened somehow? Questions, questions. I can't wait for the answers.
6709103 Well I mean, aren't your chapter somewhere around 10k words each? Mine are a lot shorter, so logic follows that I would put them out faster. I don't know, maybe I should combine the last two chapters. I feel like they're too short.
Hm, this is pretty good - I found this story and decided to give it a shot, but found it interesting enough that I ended up reading it in one sitting. Well done, it's an enjoyable read and an interesting take on a scenario where there was still a falling out between the sisters without either going Nightmare.
Though to be fair Celestia seems pretty close. Given the hints with her diary (I loved all of the "Canterlot" chapters by the way, I think that's easily the strongest segment of the story so far with the most immersive atmosphere and suitably chilly/spooky mood) and Luna's hints, I imagine it's the war with the Chaos King (Discord, I guess?) that messed Celestia up. I'd bet on Discord doing something to her mind that has made her increasingly paranoid and deranged over the years.
That something was up with Twilight's quest became evident when the Effigy (I love the idea of these by the way) burnt down the first town she was staying in, but I hadn't expected Celestia's goal was to actually off Twilight. Someone's paranoid beyond all reason indeed.
Though I must say Celestia is acting pretty dumbly as of right now. Sending Effigies after Twilight right in the middle of her own city? When she could have easily had Twilight assassinated in her own room/charged her with treason via fabricated evidence/poisoned her food/ or any other dozen of ways to effectively dispose of her?
Either she's holding one massive idiot ball, or whatever corruption she is under has progressed to such a state that she has basically gone crazy and can't think straight. And is paranoid enough that she doesn't trust anyone - only her Effigies.
One question though - how come she hasn't won the war by now? Seeing how easily her Effigies can burn down unsuspecting towns and her complete lack of morals, I imagine by this time she should have been able to reduce all of Luna's cities to cinder and ash.
One thing I have noticed though is that your story is very fast-paced at parts - too fast. The Canterlot chapters are probably some of your best ones (not just mod and imagery wise, but also pacing wise), while especially the early chapters are bordering on rushed. The time period between Twilight leaving the cursed woods to the point where Rarity leaves her is especially guilty of this, reading more like a summary of events rather than a proper story.
It's still decent, don't get me wrong, but it was some pretty bare-bones stuff that could have really used some more meat on them to both familiarize us more with the world this story takes in and the characters themselves. We still know almost nothing about Rarity and, surprisingly enough, almost nothing about Twilight herself.
Especially now that she has switched sides - I don't really have a good read on her character and what her life's goals are as of now. Does she want to depose Celestia? Does she want to kill her? Does she want to take over herself? Does she want to stay as Luna's underling? We know very little about what she wants and what she aims for, which is something you should probably elaborate upon.
The overall state of the world could use a little bit of exposition as well. How big is Celestia's domain? Luna's? What's the overall demographic situation, the state of the society, projections for future? That Celestia can only muster 30.000 soldiers in what seems like a total-war situation paints a pretty bleak picture of Ponykind's situation, especially as Celestia's faction feels like the stronger one. How many cities/towns are there even left? Has ponykind all but wiped itself out in the conflict? Because only 30.000 soldiers makes me feel like there are only a few hundred thousand ponies left in total.
All in all though this has been a good story and with a little bit of slowing down and more exposition could easily be a great one.
6744138 Wow, thanks for the great feedback. I will admit: as an author, I am guilty as charged about the pacing issue, I tend to be really bad with pacing in general, and whenever I try to slow it down, I always have a nagging itch of it being "too slow"—though I must admit, the Canterlot section was probably my favorite throughout the entire story. And yes, the area between the forest and Rarity leaving was kind of ham-fisted, and I've been looking at revisiting that (and a few other such parts) for a little while now.
I hate to be cliche, but the reason Celestia hasn't yet won the war is actually a planned plot point to be explored later on in the story.
As for the rest of your comment, I am happy to say that the next chapter will be rather exposition-heavy, much more so than others. After all, they're pretty much just stuck in a cave.
Lastly, the population issue. This is just a personal thing, but I always imagined Equestria as a whole to be much lower in populations than a country of similar size today. In the show, if one watches the terrain that passes when they're, say, on a train, it seems rather uninhabited outside of cities, so it seems as though the population would be somewhat low. And then, yes, a very large portion of the old population would be very much dead. I do feel the need to go back and tweak that number, but not overly much.
Overall, thank you so much for this kind of feedback. I'm constantly pining for really informative comments, and this is incredible.
6744333
Aye, the balance between "too much info, pick up the pace!" and "whoa there, hold your ponies!" is an elusive one that's not always easy to balance. Though most of the time, I think it's safer to fall on the "a little too much" side, rather than on the "not enough".
Either way I commend you on your decision to go back and "beef things up", so to speak, but I'd urge you to avoid doing so before the story is finished. It's somewhat distressing how often I see authors embarking on a trip to "clean up" their earlier chapters and never return, because the lack of feeling of progress and loss of momentum eventually kills interest and motivation. Best to save that for later, me thinks
As for the population numbers, I could certainly agree that Equestria isn't overly densely populated, but only 30.000 soldiers in a total war situation is a very, very dangerously low number. For example, like half of the the USA is a complete no mans land with population density of less than 10 people per square kilometer, but still has a total population of .. what, 300 million-ish? I'd imagine Equestria to be somewhat similar in that regard - vast swathes of unclaimed land with the population densely centered around key cities.
Obviously I don't expect them to have 300 million, but cities like Manehattan that we have seen in the show that look just like our equivalents, glass skyscrapers and all, ought to easily hold a few million each. Unless ponies have absolutely abysmal birth rates, that's almost inevitable in a growing quite-modern civilization.
Though the low soldier (and by implication, population) numbers at the present time aren't really that much of an issue - it just means that many, many lives have been lost to the ongoing war, millions having been consumed by the fires of war and numerous cities razed to the ground, until but a whimper of a shadow of the civilization remains, fighting over the last scraps of whatever's left.
We just need to get some exposition in on that (and it's good to hear that one is coming), and many other things, because we still know very little about the world this takes place in.
And I'm looking towards the plot point as to why Celestia hasn't won just yet - it's an important one to address, because of how powerful the Effigies are. From the looks of it she doesn't even need an army to reduce Luna's kingdom to ash within a week or so, given she has several Effigies and one takes mere minutes to reduce a town to cinders.
6709117 I think someone.... was calling for help...
7305245 I think my favorite part of this entire story is my voice for Twilight. I'm enjoying it far too much.
Also, haha, I wish I could draw that well. Source is linked under the image. Great artist.
So is this all being written down by Twilight after the fact? The Twilight annotations seem to imply that. While good for some extra character leaning on the fourth wall it'd kinda diminish the tension a bit since she clearly survived to tell the story.