You can't be so quiet in here

by kikibashi99

Time To Return Home

The next morning, Fluttershy yawned as she slowly woke up. She blinked her eyes open, smiling at the wonderful dream she had. She dreamnt she had spent the night at an adorable and amazing mare's house. Suddenly, her eyes shot open as she heard the voice.

"Ah, good morning there cutie." The voice said, a yawn making the voice slur with drowsiness and sleep.
Fluttershy looks over at the unicorn as she woke up. Fluttershy's eyes widened in terror as she realized sge had just woken up in some strange pony's bed. She silently cursed herself for those spiced ciders and got out of bed quickly. She scrambled and bowed low, talking in an average volume. "I-I am so sorry if anything h-h-happened last night!"
After a few minutes into Fluttershy's long apology rant, Vinyl Scratch started to laugh. "It is fine, nothing happened that I didn't want to happen!" She quickly recovered as she saw the pegasus' face turned redder than apple picked straight from Sweet Apple Acres. "Nothing happened, I swear. We just crashed here last bight, just sleeping." Fluttershy seemed to calm down and Vinyl breathed in relieve. She thought the mare wouldve died from lack of breath due to the constant stream of apologies.
The mares made eye contact and after a moment of silence, both began to laugh as the absurd moment they just had. They kept laughing till a voice interrupted them. "What is Celestia's great empire is going on here?!"

Half an hour later, Vinyl Scratch stood at the breakfast bar in her kitchen, looking into the living room where an embarrassed pink-maned Pegasus sat on her couch. The mare was quite beautiful, unlike the other mares and stallion the DJ had taken home after late night after party drinking. This pony was simple buy complexed, plain yet stylish, small yet larger than life itself. Vinyl began to think of the that small mouth as it began to...
A quick smack from a delicate and fragile hoof in the back of Vinyl's head snapped the DJ back to focus on her roommate. She slowly turned her head to look at the polished Earth Pony. Vinyl Scratch's roommate was a gray Earth pony named Octavia. The Earth pony had a light gray coat with a well groomed, coal black mane. The Earth pony was clearly from Canterlot, from the stylish style of her mane pulled up into an artistrocatic bun, to the signature pink bow the mare never left home without, and even the clipped, upper class accent the mare had.
Now those purple eyes were ablaze with anger and confusion, her usually neat hair messy from sleep, and the slightest hint of a smile on the musical pony's mouth. "Okay, so the story is this. You were doing your...gig last night at the dance club when you saw a lonely looking pegasus at the bar. You had the bouncers take her to your dressing room and you walked her here. You both fell asleep and nothing happened?" The white unicorn looked at the earth pony with neutral red eyes, nodding in agreement.
Octavia was silent for a bit before she suddenly started to laugh. "That is just adorable! You weren't drinking and decided to take a mare home? I don't know what came over you but I believe it is time she went home. We must practice for the concerto next week." Vinyl Scratch winced at the memory of agreeing while heavily intoxicated to the miserable idea. She is learning the keyboard to play some slow, graceful music piece.
After some time arguing, Vinyl finally agreed when Octavia threatened to lock up her recording equipment. She slowly walked over to the pegasus with an apologetic smile. "Yo, sorry bout this but I guess you gotta head home. We kinda got some things to do today. But perhaps I can see you again sometime." Fluttershy smiled shyly but managed a nod. Vinyl walked Fluttershy to the door where they stood for a moment
An awkward tension began to build between the two mares. Suddenly, Fluttershy opened her mouth to say something. Her face flushed, she shut her muzzle, and quickly took off. Vinyl Scratch looked at the dot in the sky as it began to face. She sighed and turned, heading inside slowly.

Author's Note:

Hey everypony, for those who are keeping up with this,I gotta say thanks! I know I got few updates far between but I will try and update more often once I get a computer. A phone is soooo annoying when you got friends and marefriends bugging you. XD Anyways, just keep up, surprising twists are in store.

Comments

[Atuhor Name]

Ok small tip for proper formatting, in dialogue new speaker means new paragraph. Group paragraphs like you would group a sentence, keep them together by related things.

You don't seem to have trouble with run on paragraphs but the chapters could use a little more detail, if I were you I would go in and add some stuff at the beginning to set things up, just something to increase the time between Rainbow asking Fluttershy to go to the club and Fluttershy agreeing to go to the club.

Doesn't really matter what it is, just needs to be something to give the reader time to breathe and settle into the situation, could be something about Fluttershy's house, or previous visits to other clubs with Rainbow. In fact I would try and do that all around, just start looking at the situations and asking yourself "what could I say here to add something to the story?" or "what would the reader like to know about this?"

Your spelling is good and I didn't notice any errors that really jumped out at me, you know how to use a comma better than I do, and the first few chapters seem fine. In "time to return home" though you need somebody to go through and check for words that the spellchecker couldn't quite catch.

(Also if you think you're gonna be stuck with a phone for a wile I would try and see if you can get a bluetooth keyboard for it, I find that plus WPS office works wonders for phone productivity)

[kikibashi99]

6762290

Thank you so much for your input, I truely appreciate it. I understand I may have errors and intend to correct them when possible. Another main problem is that I kinda made this story with the basic plot and no idea where to go so I keep getting stuck but I'm pushing through cx