Friendship is Weaponized
Last time, on Ruined Forever...
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"Buck this shit!" Twilight wrote on a piece of paper before sending it to the Princess who instantly appeared next to her.
"Buck your shit!" Celestia countered eloquently as she dragged Twilight off to the chariot.
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"Say hi to ponies?" Spike suggested timidly before Pinkie violently exploded in Twilight's face.
"Don't say hi to ponies," Twilight corrected in a horrified daze.
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"Meet mah family?" Applejack asked hopefully.
"No." Twilight refused curtly.
Suddenly Big Mac.
"Yes." Twilight rephrased amorously.
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"Where pegasus?" Twilight asked before being smashed into the ground by a rainbow streak comet.
"There pegasus!" Spike answered.
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"Don't set me down!" the now fabulous looking purple unicorn stated commandingly as she floated in front of the mirror.
Rarity regarded her silently.
"Don't!"
Rarity regarded her silently some more.
"Don't you bucking da-"
Rarity lowered her to the floor causing Twilight to crumple under her own weight with a cry of pain.
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"Innocuous somewhat overly critical greeting!" Twilight said as she approached Fluttershy.
"IRRATIONALLY FEARFUL REACTION!" Fluttershy replied as she gave Twilight a face full of pepper spray.
"SUDDEN MOMENT OF PAINFUL CLARITY!" Twilight wailed as she clutched at her eyes from her spot on the ground.
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"YOU EXPLODED, WHY AREN'T YOU DEAD?!" the terrified unicorn demanded while backing away toward the crowd.
"I got better!" Pinkie thoroughly explained while hopping in place.
"BUCK YOUR SHIT, JUST, ALL OF IT. COLLECTIVELY BUCK ALL THE SHIT YOU ALL HAVE, I'M OUT!" Twilight snapped before running upstairs.
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"Doooooooooom and such," Nightmare Moon said in greeting from the main stage.
"WOOOOOOOO!" Twilight cheered with inappropriate happiness.
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Ruined Forever: Season One
Friendship is Weaponized
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"Well at least somepony is happy to see me for once," Nightmare Moon chuckled in amusement as Twilight Sparkle continued giving the 'up yours' sign with her forelegs from her spot on the stage for a few moments before the blank stare of stark realization plastered itself on her face.
"Oh...uh, no. The elation of having been correct all this time wore off just now, so I'm pretty much as terrified as everypony else in here," she replied while starting to back away.
"Oh, a pity. Get down there with the rest of the insects then!" the mare of darkness barked as a star filled tendril extended from her mane and slapped Twilight off the stage.
"What have you done with the princess?!" the mayor demanded bravely from her spot behind exactly seventeen bodyguards before ducking back into hiding.
"Hrm? You tell me, I have not yet seen hide nor hair of her, though I am looking forward to it immensely." Several more tendrils emerged from her mane and solidified into sharp edges, the implication made all the more menacing by the sharp teeth she bared to accompany it.
"Wait, if you didn't ponynap her, then what did happen to her?!" the mayor pondered aloud.
"I HAVE NO IDEA WHATSOEVER IT'S A COMPLETE MYSTERY," Twilight insisted in a completely unsuspicious manner while her eyes shifted back and forth with total innocence.
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"Uh...should we...get someone?" one guard asked the other.
"Who would we get? And what exactly would we tell them?" the other replied looking completely lost.
Princess Celestia was sitting in a random field holding onto a large cake as though she'd float into the void if she let go of it, eyes completely dilated as she stared intently at a grasshopper sleeping on a blade of grass but doing otherwise nothing. Her mane was disheveled, and all of her decorative royal barding was missing save for two greaves that she had insisted were the only ones not trying to eat her.
...
"What does it meeeeaaaaan?" she asked for the sixty seventh time.
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"You're lying! Now tell us what you did with her before I beat the answer out of you!" Rainbow Dash threatened after leaping into the air and pointing a determined hoof.
...
"Are you serious?" Nightmare Moon replied while trying to restrain an incredulous laugh.
"As a heart attack! I will mess you up good!"
"Oh? Come on then!"
"I'm going to, unless you cough it up missy!" Dash continued while punching at the air with her forelegs.
"No, really, come up here and mess me up!" Nightmare Moon goaded further as her horn started glowing, conjuring a legion of spectral blades that began filling the air around her.
"Don't think I won't!"
The blades then lit up with blue flames.
"Last warning!"
The blades started to spark with lightning.
"You don't want the heat I'm bringin'!"
The blades doubled in size and became jagged.
"This dynamite is headed right at ya sister!"
The blades started spinning fast enough to take on the appearance of flaming, sparking buzz saws of death.
"I am lighting the fuse-whoa!" Dash persisted before Applejack saved her from herself by grabbing her tail and yanking her out of the air.
"Well, this has all made for a decent spot of entertainment, but the only reason I bothered stopping here at all was to deal with Celestia. If she's not here, I'd best be attending to other matters." The spectral blades dissipated. "I'll leave you all to enjoy my beautiful night, you'll have plenty of time to appreciate it now, an eternity in fact!" She let out a villainous cackle as her starry void mane enveloped her in a twisting dervish that then compressed into a wisp of dark blue mist and slithered through the air out of a window.
The crowd was still, stunned into silence for a long while before breaking out into a panic, running every which way whilst shouting and screaming about the darkness unending! Twilight looked around quickly, spotting Spike in the commotion and levitating him onto her back before bolting for the door and running out into what should have been a wonderful summer dawn.
"Oh goddess, she's real! She's real and you were right! This changes everything! What else were you right about and we don't know about it?! Have you felt the planet shift lately like it's being towed?! Is the ground rumbling like something's beneath us?!" Spike babbled in a panic as she galloped along the road as fast as she was able, taking them past a building resembling a large cupcake.
"Spike...we have to...focus on...the problem...in front of us...right now!" Twilight replied between breaths as the town library came into view a ways ahead. After a final burst of speed she was left at the door with her hoof on the knob, feeling slightly winded for a few moments before speaking further. "We didn't have time to override Celestia and gather the Equestrian army, and Celestia's...indisposed."
"Tripping balls somewhere because of you," Spike clarified helpfully.
"The important thing is that we can't run to her for help or even advice this time Spike! We're the only ones who know what's happening and the only choice we've got left is to find the elements of harmony from the legend. I couldn't find buck all in the books kept upstairs, so I can only hope there's something we can use in the downstairs area where they threw that party, because otherwise we've got no lead to go on!" she replied before opening the door and walking through it into the dark blackness of the library. "Spike, get the-"
The lights blinked on and she was suddenly staring at an angry blue pegasus, a frowning pink earth pony with a party horn in her mouth, and an orange earth pony wearing a stetson and carrying a length of rope in her mouth.
"-lights?!" Twilight flinched as the door behind her slammed shut, then looked back over her shoulder. Fluttershy had her hoof on the light switch, apologizing profusely while Rarity glared at her from her spot blocking the door. "How did I just fall for this twice?!"
"Get her!" Rainbow Dash shouted, answered only by the honk of Pinkie's party horn before they pounced as one. After a blur of motion and overwhelming force, Twilight found herself on her back, expertly hog tied with Applejack's rope.
"Twilight! I'll save you!" Spike pronounced heroically! He then took three steps toward them before falling on his face and starting to snore loudly in long delayed slumber.
"Cool. Thanks Spike. Great job," Twilight deadpanned from her spot bound on the library floor.
"Alright now Twilight Sparkle, if'n that's even your real name! We got barrels full of questions about this here eternal night nonsense, and you're gonna serve us up some freshly baked answers!" Applejack spelled out with a scowl.
"And they better not be half baked!" Pinkie Pie added while putting a party hat on Twilight for no immediately discernible reason.
"Or else we'll put you back in the oven and turn up the heat!" Rainbow Dash accentuated her threat by getting right up in Twilight's face.
...
"Did you...rehearse this baking pun themed interrogation before hoof?" Twilight asked quizzically while continuing to struggle against the rope.
"Nah, we're making it up on the spot! Isn't that neat?! Hehe!" Pinkie Pie answered, reverting to her usually cheery, peppy self before a nudge from Rainbow Dash's back hoof on her flank corrected her. "Oh, I mean, NO! Now spill the beans! ...But spill them on the table, because we might want to cook and eat them later for dinner!" she demanded with about as much menace as one could conjure up with such wording.
"And how did you beat me here? I was at a sprint the whole way and didn't even see any of you!"
"You took the long way past Sugar Cube Corner instead of straight down the road, it was easy," Rainbow Dash expounded while pointing a hoof to Rarity, who opened the door to reveal the town hall at the end of the street in the distance.
"How did I fall for this twice and miss that?!" the bound unicorn exclaimed in amazement at her own ignorance.
"Yeah, turns out it pays off to memorize the town layout before you do spying for your evil mare of darkness friend, traitor!" the blue pegasus replied accusingly as she stood over Twilight with her chest puffed out and her wings raised.
"She's not my friend and I'm not a traitor!" she retorted whilst finally returning the numerous glares she was receiving.
"Then why'd ya seem so danged happy to see here then hrm?!" Applejack inquired pointedly.
"Because everypony's been telling me I'm either bored or crazy or both when I was trying to tell them she was coming, and nopony believed me, not even the princess! So excuse me for feeling vindicated to an inappropriate degree!"
"Pfft, like anypony would actually do that!" Rainbow Dash spat back distrustfully.
"Um, actually, you've kind of done that before too, not to be rude, or anything," Fluttershy managed to point out at a barely audible voice level.
"What? When?"
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"Hey Flutttershy, where've you been? Why'd you miss a whole week of flight school?" the rainbow maned filly asked as her friend from one grade up walked into view of the hallway lockers sniffling with tears in her eyes.
"M...my mommy's dead!" the pink maned filly cried as she fall to the floor covering her eyes and shaking with sobs.
"Hah! Called it! Hoof bump!" the rainbow filly cried out in victory before holding up her hoof expecting one of her nearby friends to accept the bump. She was left hanging for longer than usual, and when she finally looked around she saw the rest of the nearby student body staring at her with eyes wide and mouths hanging open in shock. "...what?"
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"Oh, right, I won five bits off that bet. Heh, that might as well be a bazillion bits when you're a filly!" Rainbow Dash recalled with a brief chortle. Silence hung in the air for longer than usual, and when she finally looked around she saw everypony else save Fluttershy staring at her with eyes wide and mouths hanging open in shock. "...whaaaaaaaaaaat?"
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Fortunately, a unicorn with their legs tied together by distrustful ponies is still able to precariously balance on them in one spot and levitate books over to read.
Unfortunately, accomplishing that feat of balance and concentration means nothing if one is not able to find a book that is worth reading at the time.
"This library...it doesn't make any sense!" she clamored as her eyes darted from book to book in front of her while periodically pausing to prevent a wobble from becoming a full on tumble that would require Applejack to prop her up again. "There's fiction next to non-fiction, math next to history, biology next to cosmology, and I could go on for hours but I'll just conclude by pointing out that this book on the theory of advanced quantum mechanics was on the shelf adjacent to this little foal's book where a puppy befriends a frog and they learn about colors together! How am I supposed to find anything about the elements of harmony in this complete mess?!"
"Here you go!" Pinkie hopped over and held out a book entitled The Elements of Harmony: A Reference Guide. The squadron of books hovering near Twilight dropped to the ground as though sharing in the unicorn's sheer bewilderment.
"Where...how...what?"
"It was under E!" the pink pony pointed out promptly, directing Twilight's attention to the letters engraved into the wood at the top of each shelf.
"You...arrange your library...alphabetically according to title?!"
"Sometimes author!"
"Why?!"
"Why not?"
"BECAUSE LIBRARIES DON'T WORK THAT WAY!"
"Ours does!"
The unicorn's eyes shot open, her eyelid twitched, and a hair in her mane audibly twanged out of place as something inside of her snapped.
"Because who needs a decimal system right? For that matter, who needs shelves?! Just dump all the books on the floor in whatever order you like, because then finding out what you need to know will become a super fun hours long scavenger hunt! You know what'd be even more fun?! Just remove the bindings and scatter the pages everywhere, it'll be like a great big language based jigsaw puzzle! Do you have the right pages in the right order? I don't know! Nopony does! Actually why do we even use a written language anyway?! We should go back to having wise ponies telling stories and passing down skills before they die, because at no point has the way in which we preserve or organize data advanced us as a species or anything! Buck it, while we're at it let's just go back to the good old glory days when we did nothing but run around as primitive herd beasts with no aspirations but to spend our pointless lives grazing and shi-"
Rainbow Dash looked to Applejack for the nod, received it, then back-hoofed Twilight across the face, causing her to briefly turn in place before falling over.
"Thanks, I'm back, sorry!" she said after shaking off the rage induced haze. She levitated the book out of Pinkie's hoof and brought it down to her level to read it on the floor.
"What exactly are these elements of harmony you're looking for?" Rarity asked as she walked over curiously.
"I'm not entirely sure, but according to the legends they were used to banish Nightmare Moon a thousand years ago...and this book isn't that specific either from the looks of it," Twilight replied with a frown as she made one last turn of the page to the appropriate section. She also found it somewhat difficult to look serious with the floor pushing one cheek into her face. "It says there are six elements, but only five are known: kindness, laughter, generosity, honesty, and loyalty."
"Now mind ya I ain't never used no kind of magic even once in mah life, but if they only knew five of 'em how'd they use 'em so well a thousand years ago?" Applejack inquired, eyes wandering up and to the side with a hoof on her chin.
"Yeah, and what kind of names are those for ultimate super weapons anyway? 'Hold it there Nightmare Moon, we're going to nice you to death!" the pegasus hovering overhead added in a somewhat discourteous fashion.
"Well I'll be sure to find out what I go to their last known location: the Castle of the Two Sisters in..."
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"...the Everfree Forest!" the still hog tied Twilight proclaimed dramatically out of nowhere from her spot being carried atop Applejack's strong back, the group having made it to the edge of the woods.
"...why did you just dramatically proclaim 'the Everfree Forest' out of nowhere dear?" Rarity asked with a cocked eyebrow.
"...I don't know!"
"In any case, this here's the end of the free ride for ya sugarcube." Applejack bent both legs on one side, letting Twilight slide off her back onto her still bound together hooves before the farm pony knelt down to start undoing the knot.
"Oh finally, thank you!" Twilight said as she finally pulled her hooves free and stretched her legs a bit. "Now if there's no further questions or issues, I'll take it from here," she continued before turning to stride into the forest before being blocked by a rainbow blur that resolved into a pegasus.
"Whoa whoa whoa, no way! We untied you, but I am not letting you out of my sight until I am completely sure you're not some kind of double agent!"
Twilight frowned and back away a step. "So how am I supposed to prove myself to you then?"
"Don't know, we'll just have to see what sticks," Rainbow Dash replied as she landed and fixed her with a narrow eyed stare.
"Well ah for one think you're on the up n' up, for as much as that's worth, and we ain't lettin' you go in there on your lonesome, are we girls?" Applejack offered while recoiling her rope.
"Oh um...I don't know...she hasn't been very nice to...well, anypony...but she is the only pony that's trying to do anything about this whole eternal night thing," Fluttershy mumbled indecisively as her eyes evasively examined the ground at which her hoof was scratching.
"All I know is that there's a party scheduled for tomorrow, and tomorrow can't happen until the sun rises, so if the sun never rises, that party goes unpartied forever and that's not something a professional party pony is gonna let happen!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed boldly before galloping into the forest followed by everypony save for Twilight.
"At what point exactly did I say 'everypony come with me please'?!"
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"Not that I'm condoning this escort or anything, or suggesting you tie me up again, but what made it suddenly okay for me to not be tied up when we got to the forest edge?" Twilight asked Rainbow Dash as she maintained her position in the air behind and above her.
The group then stopped as they heard a small screech followed by a deep throaty roar in the darkness of the woods off the beaten path. A set of little footsteps ran from another unseen creature that made booming impacts with each step. Then the chase suddenly stopped, replaced by a crunch, the sound of the panicked last moments of a woodland creature accompanied by rending of flesh and snapping of bone, and then a deep growl of contentment before they were left to listen to messy chewing noises and the splattering of no doubt red colored fluids.
"Something told me you wouldn't want to run away from us towards that," Rainbow Dash replied at a whisper as they moved along.
"Nope," Twilight agreed, her eyes riveted in the direction of the sounds until they had faded away in the distance. The foliage mercifully became a bit thinner as their path inward took them along a ridge with a more commanding view of the forest below that came at the cost of a precipitous drop down a slope into a small rocky valley. She stopped and stood at the edge, squinting out to try and catch sight of their destination before a section of the edge gave way beneath her weight and fell down the slope into the darkness of the valley. "Um...are you all sure we should be going this way?"
"Relax, I've been by this way plenty of times and it's never collapsed or anything, we'll be fine," Rainbow Dash assured her with a dismissive wave of her hoof.
"Eep!" Rarity yelped as she too had a bit of ground prove untrustworthy and almost send her tumbling into the abyss ahead of them.
"When you say 'been by this way', do you mean 'walked by this way applying your weight to this ridge', or 'flew by this way catching sight of the ridge while never actually touching it'?" Twilight queried further as she stood still and listened with no lack of distress to the sound of chunks of rock and dirt falling off the side of the ridge beneath them.
"...Oh."
Four ponies screamed out as the ground they were standing on buckled beneath their weight and sent them rolling and sliding down the slope. Twilight's hooves went this way and that trying to find purchase as she slid backwards towards certain death, but she only managed to stop her descent after the majority of her body was already hanging off the edge at the bottom of the slope. She looked around frantically as her back hooves failed to even find a surface to brace against, hanging there unable to pull herself back up.
"Hang on Twilight, ah got ya!"
Her eyes shot up to see Applejack letting go of a root and making a controlled slide down to her. The creeping panic faded somewhat, knowing that if any of these ponies would be able to pull her up, it was the strong earth pony farmer! But then much to her chagrin the orange mare's hoof stopped just short of grabbing hers and returned to its spot planted on the ground.
"Nevermind, just let go."
"W-what?!" Twilight retorted, barely believing what she was hearing.
"Ah said let go," Applejack repeated.
"No! Why would I do that?! There's nothing but a long fall and rocks at the bottom! You are asking me to commit suicide!" she exclaimed angrily with a tinge of desperation to her voice.
"Ah got my reasons sugarcube, trust me!"
"Please...please Applejack just pull me up! I don't want to die!" she begged as her eyes started glistening. The muscles in her forelegs burned and gravity's pull was slipping her back fraction of an inch by fraction of an inch.
"Ah ain't doin' nothin' of the sort, let go!"
"Why are you doing this?! I know I wasn't the best pony but what have I ever done that was worth killing me over?!" the purple unicorn cried out, tears now streaming down her cheeks from her reddened eyes unhindered. "Please Applejack! Please! Don't let me die!"
"Ah ain't repeatin' mahself again Twilight, now stop fussin' and let go of this here cliff edge!"
"No! Please, I don't want to go yet! I wanted to do so much! I want to see my family again! I want all my years of study to have meant something! I don't want to end up as some corpse in a valley because I was mean to the wrong earth pony! It's not fair! It's not faaaiiir!" She sobbed and screamed hysterically until her throat was hoarse, her grip just shy of slipping loose and sending her plummeting to her untimely demise!
"FOR BUCK'S SAKE A.J. JUST TELL HER WE'RE GOING TO CATCH HER!!!" came Rainbow's voice from below.
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Twilight Sparkle trotted along with stubbornly reddened eyes still seething with anger over the earlier incident as the group proceeded to the end of the canyon. Fortunately for her there was a massive beast with the body of a lion, wings of a bat, and the tail of a scorpion that was rampaging about blocking their way. It had already spotted them and begun advancing menacingly!
"Oh my goodness, a manticore! And the poor little thing has a thorn stuck in his-"
Fluttershy's observation was cut short by a red disintegration beam of unicorn magic reducing the monster's head to ash and leaving nothing but a burned neck stump behind as the creature's body collapsed and started twitching and spasming sporadically.
"-paw."
"All clear!" Twilight beamed victoriously as she trotted past with horn still smoking, clearly feeling a bit better.
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"He wasn't a b-bad manticore Twilight! He was just...just mean because he was in pain! I could've calmed him down by pulling the thorn out and...everything would've been fine! Y-you didn't have to kill him!" Fluttershy managed to sob out while covering her tear drenched face with her hooves as Applejack carried her along on her back, the grieving yellow mare currently too distraught to keep up with the group on her own.
"You aspired to temporarily relieve him of pain. I actually relieved him of all potential for pain ever. Who's really the better pony he-why are we walking under a pitch dark canopy in a forest full of monsters?" Twilight inquired as the light around them went from soft moonlight to pitch black as the forest canopy quite suddenly thickened.
"Well if somepony hadn't said the ridge was stable for four ponies because she flew over it fine we'd still be on the high ground, but now we gotta feel our way through these here pitch black woods and hope some monster in the dark doesn't hear somepony else crying and pick us off," Applejack replied, prompting Fluttershy to move her hooves from her eyes to her mouth to try and cut off the noise from her weeping.
The group managed to proceed smoothly through the darkness for a few more minutes before most of them jumped in fright at a loud growling sound behind them, only to whirl around in fright to face the sight of a pegasus pony looking sheepishly at her stomach. "Uh...sorry...the unicorn barf smell was really being stubborn about coming off my coat and I missed lunch and dinner because I lost my appetite...at the time," Rainbow Dash explained at a whisper.
"Well that's just great Rainbow, ain't enough that ya trapped us down here in the dark, now ya'll gotta lead whatever's down here right to us!" she scolded in a likewise quiet but also harsh whisper.
"Hey, it's not my fault purple pony girl here puked on me!" Rainbow replied defensively with a sharp frown.
"It ain't? 'Cus from what I hear it is exactly your fault, practicin' all them tricks instead of bucklin' down and takin' your job and duty to the whole town anythin' close to seriously, even when royalty's about to come visitin'!"
"Oh so sorry I want to eventually spend my life being something more than a utility service, I should just be like you and be happy with the cushy job I got by being born!"
"Girls!" Rarity interjected, stepping between them. "This is no time to be bickering about frivolous matters like jobs or aspirations that are in any way unlike mine. Just like Applejack says, if we stay quiet and together we'll make it through this just fine," she concluded with a nod before turning to resume heading down the path.
There was a large, leering, glowing face with sharp teeth directly in front of her, and then soon after all around them.
"NEVERMINDNOTHINGISFINEWE'REALLGOINGTODIEHORRIBLYI'MTOOPRETTYTOBEDEVOURED!!!" Rarity screamed, backing away on her hind legs while flailing her forelegs defensively in front of her. Her cry of fear was joined by what sounded like everypony else as they each flinched away in horror at the creatures of darkness that had surrounded them, wondering how they were possibly going to escape such a grisly fate.
Also Pinkie Pie was on the ground holding her sides and kicking her back legs in a wanton outpouring of mirth.
"Pinkie, why are you laughing? We're going to be killed if we don't do something!" Twilight exclaimed as her eyes darted from deathly staring visage to deathly staring visage.
"THEY'RE JUST TREES! YOU'RE SO DUMB!" Pinkie managed to say before being overtaken with another fit of laughter.
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"Ooh, haven't seen this flower before," Rainbow pondered aloud as she examined a flower slightly off the trail with large petals that were each a kaleidoscope of every color of the rainbow. It looked totally sweet, and a sort of happy kind of fun that might be described as extending to the super level, perhaps even the ultra. She gave it a sniff, found the scent to her liking, and then plucked it from the ground in one bite and started chewing it, pleased to find that the taste lived up to the pleasant aroma.
"What flower?" Twilight asked with a glance backward.
"Ex-flower now," the pegasus corrected while still chewing. "Looked pretty cool though."
"You just ate a random plant you've never seen before in the middle of the nightmare woods of perpetual darkness and death?!"
Rainbow Dash swallowed. "Well now I did."
"Oh for buck's...what did it look like? In detail," Twilight demanded.
"Uh...I dunno, it had petals and there were colors?"
"So according to your memory you ate a flower."
"Ah think we got more important problems to be ponderin' right now Twilight," Applejack cut them short, pointing toward the rapid filled river ahead of them.
"How is that a problem? We have two pegasus ponies that can team up to carry the other four of us over one by one," Twilight immediately suggested before they heard the piteous cry of the source of the rapids; a nearby purple scaled river serpent who was thrashing about in the water in the midst of some kind of existential crisis. "Even better, we make the rapids stop," she said as her horn started to glow red.
"My mustache! By beautiful mustache! My face is ruined! I've become an ugly beast beyond repair!" the serpent cried out in woe. He looked to be quite the well cleaned up aquatic reptile, his style quite apparent to all observers, absolutely flawless save for the missing half of his mustache that he was currently lamenting.
"Oh, never mind, if he's intelligent enough to speak then killing him would be immoral," Twilight groaned like a slightly inconvenienced teenager.
"Not to mention serpents are relatives of dragons, I'd give you such a pinch!" the serpent replied, a steely gaze fixed on Twilight for a moment before resuming his hysterics.
"My goodness darling what happened to you?" Rarity asked as she roughly shoved the purple unicorn aside. "Something has undone your exquisitely crafted look!"
"It's true! I spent untold hours making sure that anyone who gazed upon me would see nothing short of the most handsome and fashionable serpent possible, but along comes this little oddly razor sharp puff of smoke, and off goes half of my wonderful mustache!" he wailed before falling back into the water and splashing the lot of them.
Rarity sputtered and then gasped in horror. "My mane! My-no! Focus Rarity, your mane will dry out in minutes, but there is a fashionable serpent in need and you will not stand to let his cries for help go unheeded!" she proclaimed before stepping forward and somewhat rudely plucking a sharp scale from his fabulous hide, producing a yelp from the aquatic reptile as she raised the scale with her magic, positioned it, and then brought it down like a blade!
"What in tarnation?!" Applejack shouted as she watched her newly severed tail float away and affix itself to the bare half of the serpent's snout.
"Oh my goodness! This is a bit dirty, ill kept, and an overly light shade, but I can fix that with only minutes of work!" the serpent said happily as he brought up a discerning claw to feel his newly remade mustache. "I like the little red ribbon too, I wouldn't have thought of that, of if only I had one to match on the other side!"
Applejack's mane suddenly fell out of its usual pony tail and her other red ribbon, surrounded in a light blue aura, levitated up and tied itself neatly around the other half of the serpent's mustache. "Rarity what the buck are you doin' girl?!"
"Wonderful, wonderful! You've given me everything I need to keep looking like the dashing serpent I am, thank you so much little unicorn!" the serpent gushed, overjoyed to have been spared the long months spent waiting for his mustache to regrow. His body below the water had ceased thrashing, and the water was now calming quickly.
"It was my pleasure, I wouldn't dream of depriving the world of your keen fashion sense," Rarity replied as she looked upward smiling at him.
"If ya'll wanted to fix 'im up so bad why didn't you use your own dang tail?!" Applejack lashed out indignantly.
"Oh! I was unaware my tail was pale blonde and not indigo, which wouldn't match the other half of his mustache at all. Thank Celestia you were here to correct me!" the fashionable unicorn exclaimed sarcastically in reply.
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"Aww don't be so mad Growlyjack!" Pinkie Pie assured, referring to the sound that Applejack had been making since losing her tail and ribbon. "It made that serpent super happy, let us cross the river way easier, and it shows off that toned butt of yours better!"
The farm pony sighed and relaxed just a bit. "Ah guess...wait, what was that last bit?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.
"I said it shows off that-oh my gosh!" the pink pony's attention was drawn away by the sight off a set of ruins across a gorge.
"That'll be where they are," Twilight affirmed with a nod toward the ancient castle ahead. "This rope bridge seems to be the only way across that I can see, though given how old this place is I'm not sure how much I'd trust it even if it were tied."
"So how are we supposed to get across without it?" Pinkie asked.
"Uh, duh?" Rainbow Dash chimed it, unfurling her wings demonstratively. "I can just fly over and tie it in place again!"
"No need, I can see the other side to tie it off with my magic." Twilight's magic drew the fallen bridge upward and then took hold of the two loose ends.
Rainbow's eyes shifted back and forth for a second or two before a strategically placed flap of her wings kicked up a bit of wind sufficient enough to shift the mist such that it obscured the other side.
"Or you could do that," Twilight grumbled and levitated the ends of the ropes over to her.
"Aww yeah!" Rainbow eagerly grabbed the ends of the rope bridge and flew across to the other side. She tied one end off, and began tying the other when she heard a voice calling her name. "What? Who's there? Show yourself!" she ordered while rearing up and punching threateningly with her front hooves.
"It's us, Original the Flight Squad!" said the lead pony of a trio of pegasi wearing tight fitting black and purple flight suits and goggles as they emerged from the mist.
"Do not steal!" added the pony on her right.
"We think you're so fantastically super mega banana pancakes awesome that we're here to recruit you as our captain without any tests or qualifications in the least because you're soooooooo cool," the lead pony offered.
"Great, about time somepony recognized overwhelming talent when they see it and take me straight to the top!" Rainbow Dash beamed with a puffed up chest full of pride.
"Indeed, your perfection is above such things as 'proving yourself' and 'earning your way'," the lead pony agreed enthusiastically. "We have a suit ready and waiting for you, and a show set up for your impending arrival. No need to rehearse, just fly around being awesome with every eye upon you!"
"Awesome! Just let me finish tying this off for my friends," she said gleefully while picking up the other rope.
"Who are you talking to?" Twilight called out from the other mist shrouded side of the gorge.
"My new, awesome, totally original squadmates!" she called back before starting to tie the knot. "Hey do you think the audience at that totally sweet show would mind waiting a bit longer? Me and the girls have to finish what we started and save the world."
"But God Empress Captain Rainbow Dash, how will we get the bugs out then?"
"What, you mean the bugs in the routine or something?" she queried as she pulled the knot tight and then turned around to have her eyes shoot open in horror.
"No," the lead pony answered as spiders and insects of all colors of the rainbow emerged from the sides of all their eyeballs. Their faces started to slough off as Rainbow Dash backed away nervously, and before they could fall off their skulls entirely they grabbed them off their faces and held them outward toward her. The newly revealed skulls were made of multicolored crystal while the blood inexplicably maintained a consistent plaid pattern with itself. "Give ̡our f́a͝c͜e͏s to ́t̷he ̢ke̵e̢pèr o͝f ͘t́he̵ t̛r͡ùth͘ a̸nd̕ ̵h̸e ̢shal͡l͞ ̀úshe͜r ̛ýóu ́i͞nt҉o̷ a͟ ͠ne̢w҉ w̵or͟l͝d̵!" each of them said in unison with seven different voices.
"UUUUH NOTHANKYOU!" Rainbow Dash screamed as she bolted through the air across the gorge and right into Pinkie Pie, sending the two of them tumbling back along the path a bit.
"Hi!" she greeted cheerfully to the terrified looking pegasus on top of her.
The swift movement had caused the bulk of the mist to blow away, and Twilight could now see the total lack of anypony else on the other side of the newly useable bridge.
"Pinkie! Why are you on polka dotted fire?!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed as she started rolling the pink pony around in an attempt to extinguish her.
"Oh? Am I?" she asked in return, seeming content to be rolled to and fro for no readily apparent reason.
"Yes! It's eating through your skin and revealing your innards made of gummy worms speaking at me in tongues!"
"Neat! Weeeee!"
"Did they fly away or something Rainbow Dash? I don't see anypony over there," Twilight inquired as she squinted to try and catch sight of anypony at all.
"How could you miss them Twilight? They're right there! Two of them are playing volley ball with a net made out of the third's skin, and using his head as the ball!" Rainbow answered until she caught sight of Fluttershy and immediately stopped rolling Pinkie. She zipped over and placed her hooves squarely on the yellow mare's face, leaving Pinkie to roll a few more feet and then give a whine of disappointment after stopping. "Fluttershy! They're coming out of your eyes! Don't move or else your face will fall off too!"
"Um, uh...okay?" Fluttershy obeyed as she fidgeted nervously with her ears lowered.
"I'm now reasonably certain I know what kind of flower Rainbow Dash ate," Twilight sighed as she started along the rope bridge.
------{STATIC}------
"So you're saying that, even if I do let go of your face, your face won't actually fall off, I'm just seeing things?"
"Mhm," Fluttershy answered with a nod, moving forward into the castle ruins as Rainbow Dash moved backward with hooves held dutifully to the yellow mare's face.
"That must be them!" Twilight surmised joyfully as she bounded forward toward the ancient monument holding an assortment of stone orbs.
...
"Are they in the dusty old rocks?" Rainbow Dash asked with a skeptically raised eyebrow.
"Listen, when you're powerful enough to banish Nightmare Moon, you can look like whatever you want to look like, I don't really give a buck either way," Twilight replied while levitating down five orbs and setting them gently down in a circle in front of her.
"That's five...where's the sixth?" Rarity wondered as she stepped closer to get a better look at the stones.
"The book said only five were known, perhaps the sixth will manifest if we use the first five correct...ly?" She craned her neck to the side trying to see something on the other side of the monument. "Ah! Apparently they only meant they didn't know what the sixth represented, because here it is!" A sixth orb levitated over the monument and joined the other five. Twilight's horn remained lit as she took a seat and scrutinized them closely.
...
"Are we sure we got the right place? Because these balls are inert as shit...and also smiling mouths are appearing all over them," Rainbow Dash observed rudely, causing the purple unicorn's gaze to drift upward and stare forward at nothing in annoyance.
"Ah don't know of any other big ol' castles in Everfree Forest," Applejack replied, prompting Twilight to clear her throat as an ever so subtle hint that everypony would do well to be quiet.
"Maybe they're like candy coated chocolates, only with rock! My sister would love that!" Pinkie bounced forward, sniffing at one of the stones before Twilight growled and magically pulled her away by her fluffy pink tail.
"I kind of need to concentrate here, would you ponies kindly shut the buck up or go outside or something?" she snapped back at them.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I can um...shut the 'b' up just fine," Fluttershy offered timidly.
"But by saying you can shut the buck up, aren't you not shutting the buck up?" Pinkie pondered.
Fluttershy's eyes widened and she quietly shrank backward with a soft whimper.
"Right so...Rarity's horn isn't actually ten feet long right now with bees coming out of it right?" Rainbow Dash asked worriedly while looking at the empty space over Rarity.
"Goodness I hope not!" she responded, bringing a hoof up to her horn.
"Seriously? Just...go outside! Or home altogether, even better! There's no reason for you all to stay here anymore, I've got this!" Twilight snarled before turning back to her work.
"No can do Twi, after all we been through tonight...er, today technically, ah reckon we're officially friends, and ain't none of us are leavin' a friend alone in the middle of Everfree Forest with Nightmare Moon on the loose," Applejack replied with a smile and nod, the other four mares voicing their own approval with a murmur of agreement.
"..." Twilight's horn faded and she stood up before turning around and glaring at the lot of them. "Fine then. What do you want?"
"What ever do you mean darling?" Rarity inquired with a slightly tilted head.
"I mean that you're all spouting a bunch of bullshit!" she shouted, effectively silencing everypony else for the coming tirade. "There's no such thing as friendship, it's just a word ponies use when they want something from somepony else so they emotionally blackmail them into it with this 'friendship' nonsense because social validation is convenient and free! You've already gone to a bunch of trouble already, so yes, you will be well compensated when all this is over, I remember your names and you will be receiving reward and honors from the crown as is appropriate. But you're not getting extra just because you decided we were friends. Now, kindly stop trying to butter me up any more and leave!" she sneered before pointing at the door glaring daggers at all of them.
...
Fluttershy let out another quiet sob before Rainbow Dash placed a hoof on her shoulder and started leading her outward. "C'mon Fluttershy, let's go find your face before the little monkeys in your eye sockets get any louder."
Rarity followed after them, not looking sad or angry in the slightest, but wearing a forlorn look of outright pity on her face.
Pinkie Pie managed to not hop up and down at all as she departed next wearing a disappointed frown.
...
"We'll be outside then ah guess." Applejack had been wearing a blank stony stare since the start of the unicorn's outburst, and didn't seem intent on reacting at all as she too turned and took leave of her.
Twilight let the tension out of her body with another long exhalation before returning to her work, horn glowing brightly again as she carefully explored the arcane workings of these most sacred of artifacts, her eyes closed tightly to concentrate. But there was the familiar feeling of a pit in her stomach. She was well used to the sensation but now it was severe enough to prove distracting, and soon enough she heard the soft tap of something small hitting the stonework beneath her. Her eyes opened and she saw a small spatter of water there on the worn stone tile, then brought a hoof to her eyes to feel the moisture gathered there.
"Why am I crying? ...and why is the floor a different color?!"
"The mortal fear of immediately impending death and a teleportation spell I cast while you were so lost in your work, respectively," said the mare of darkness now standing before her with the six stones levitating around her in a slow orbit.
Twilight's eyes shot open and darted around to see that they were indeed in a different part of the ruins. She grit her teeth and fixed an icy glare on Nightmare Moon, standing as tall and menacingly as her adorable purple self could manage. "Give those back!"
"Hrm...I think...yes, I'm fairly sure a question suddenly occurs to me!" she replied mockingly as a void tendril from her mane tapped her chin contemplatively. "Why?"
Twilight growled before her horn glowed bright red and let fly with a disintegration beam even more intense than that which had utterly destroy the manticore in the valley!
"BECAUSE UBERMARENSCH!"
The beam struck Nightmare Moon between the eyes and did absolutely nothing to her. In fact, the armored mare took the opportunity to shift her head slightly and use the beam to scratch an itch just behind her jawline that had been slightly irritating her.
"Now, granted you're at least doing more than blustering like your blue, feather brained foal of a friend did, but I think I've found a gaping hole in your argument," she countered before her horn came to life and Twilight found herself ripped off the ground and magically held in the air with her limbs splayed out. The smaller mare grunted with the effort to pull her limbs free of the telekinetic grip, and even tried using a counter spell to break the hold, but nothing was working against the overwhelming power of this ancient alicorn!
"You -ungh!- followed us here -hrng!- didn't you?!" Twilight asked while continuing to struggle.
"Correct. I was going to thank you for leading me to the only thing on this world capable of stopping me. I was anticipating a hidden, incredibly secure location. But here it turns out my dear sister in all her 'wisdom' saw fit to leave them here in the exact same spot from before I was banished...so, dulled the appreciation a bit, basically."
"The cliff, the raging manticore, the trees in the woods, the serpent, and the flower that Rainbow Dash ate, those were all you too, weren't they?!"
Nightmare Moon gave her a brief look of disbelief before answering. "The ridge was worn down, the manticore just happened to step on a thorn, the trees have a bioluminescent defense mechanism, and those flowers are native to this area. Why would I tail you ponies hoping you'd lead me to the elements, but then slow you down and otherwise try to prevent you from reaching them?"
"Oh...right that doesn't make much sense at all does it?" Twilight would've placed a hoof on her forehead at her own stupid question, but neither of her front hooves were currently unavailable.
"The serpent was my doing admittedly, but that was an accident," the alicorn confessed.
------{STATIC}------
"Let's fly to the castle!" the puff of star filled mist said to herself menacingly moments before a large serpent emerged from the river out of nowhere loudly declaring how fabulous he was. "HOLY SHIT!" she exclaimed as she tried to veer out of the way and unintentionally sheared off half his mustache.
------{STATIC}------
"And another thing, why would I make such roundabout non-traps when I could simply wipe you all out with but a thought?"
"Well...if we're so unthreatening to you, then why bother teleporting me away from the others?" Twilight asked, thinking she'd found a metaphorical chink in the moon mare's armor. The evil lunar goddess let out a delighted cackle as tendrils extended from her mane and plucked the elements from the air around her. They then coiled around them and compressed hard enough to cover them in cracks.
"Oh Twilight Sparkle, I'm not dividing and conquering. I only made arrangements for some private time," she answered moments before hurling the first half broken stone orb at her with a lethal amount of force. Twilight gasped then quickly threw up a magical barrier that only managed to reduce it to a barely less than lethal velocity before it smashed into her, making her cry out in pain as it shattered into bits of jagged rubble that flew everywhere. Nightmare Moon gave an amused grunt and hurled another at the near helpless unicorn, then another, and kept doing so until the sixth element broke her back leg with a painful snap! She then dropped her into a bloody, bruised, broken heap on the floor amongst the useless rubble that had once been her only hope.
It was basically a somewhat worse experience than had been Rarity's attempted fashion intervention.
"Any last words, ubermarensch?" she asked Twilight mockingly as the tips of her void tendrils solidified into razor sharp tips dense enough to cut through iron like butter.
Twilight looked up through the one eye that hadn't swollen shut, then tried to get to her hooves but crumpled again near instantly. Her body shuddered with a single hopeless sob as her tears mingled with the blood seeping down her face from the crack in her horn. There was no fight left in the unicorn, alone and beaten down in seconds because a goddess had simply willed it to be so.
"Good, that will be easier to carve into a tombstone," she chortled before the dark blades shot forward.
------{YOU DI-
A rainbow colored streak interrupted the grim scene transition by whisking away the wounded mare in a flash, leaving the bladed tendrils to slice into the stonework flooring.
"I hope you're actually Twilight, because right now it looks like I'm holding a hollowed out clay tie-dye woodchuck with tentacles for teeth!" Rainbow Dash zipped over to the other four ponies waiting for them near the top of the nearby stairs and carefully put Twilight down as they formed a protective barricade in front of her. "That tree stump with metal spider legs shooting lightning in the middle of the room is Nightmare Moon right?" she asked Fluttershy as she took her place overhead of them.
"Um...yes?"
"No wonder you had such a high opinion of yourself Twilight Sparkle. Compared to this rabble you might as well be me!" Nightmare Moon jeered as the various stone shards that had once been the elements drew towards her and levitated into the air, their sharpest edges pointed right at the five ponies clustered defensively around the battered unicorn. A beam shot from her horn, striking the stone archway behind them and causing a controlled collapse of stone chunks that cut off their escape route.
"Aw horse apples! Twilight, you got any unicorn magic that can git us outta here?" Applejack asked after glanced back at their ruined exit.
"I did, but Rarity forced me to use it earlier today when she was busy torturing me in the name of fashion!" she replied from her spot on the floor still struggling to get to her hooves.
"Gee thanks for killin' us Rarity!" Applejack turned on the white unicorn.
"Those casts were hideous and I stand by that observation to the last," she answered with a haughtily upturned snout and closed eyes.
"How about just you Twilight?" Rainbow Dash asked next.
"Wh...what?"
"You know what's going on more than anypony. If you can escape to try something else, Equestria might stand a better chance!" the pegasus mare clarified.
"I uh...I might be able to manage a teleportation spell back to town," Twilight replied uneasily, scarcely believing her ears.
"Then do it sugarcube! We'll keep her busy as long as we can!" Applejack promised with unwavering conviction.
"Wh...I...you will?" Twilight asked again, her voice cracking slightly.
"The alternative is a world frozen to death beneath eternal night darling," Rarity pointed out with a glance back at her.
"Yeah, and even super sweet snow cones get old if you're stuck with them long enough, just promise me you'll throw the best Summer Sun Celebration party ever after this okay?" Pinkie Pie added.
"I don't know how much help I'll be...but I'm not leaving either," Fluttershy chimed in as she looked up at Rainbow Dash.
"Now git' goin'!" Applejack urged Twilight before fixing her gaze on the armored alicorn waiting patiently with an amused smirk.
Twilight finally managed to struggle to her hooves, keeping her broken leg drawn upward away from the floor. Most of her magic had been expended simply keeping herself alive through the barrage of broken boulders, and there was only enough left for a single teleportation spell. Her eyes looked about uncertainly at the five ponies that had just pledged their very lives to help her and the mare of legend that was doubtlessly about to slaughter them, tears flowing down her face anew. Retreating was the right thing, the most tactically sound move for the future of the kingdom, they had even said so themselves! But even with such a clear objective right in front of her she felt completely lost.
"...aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!" she cried out in frustration as a flickering magic aura appeared around her cracked horn before she disappeared in a flash of magic...and then reappeared standing in front of the other five mares.
"What in Sam Hay are you doin' Twilight?!" Applejack exclaimed.
"Being the biggest idiot in Equestria that's what!" Twilight shot back through grit teeth, a dangerous looking spark flashing in her one open eye.
"Touching," Nightmare Moon noted. "I lament the loss of an entertaining chase, but this has gone on quite far enough already."
Magical charges gathered behind each aimed shard of stone, glowed brightly, and then exploded with a shaped eruption of force that shot the sharpened bits of stone at the woefully fleshy ponies at just beneath the speed of sound. Twilight closed her eyes tightly, expecting to die and still having no clue why she'd not chosen to escape, but then found herself not being punctured. She opened her eyes and saw the shards floating there, held in place by a force even stronger than Nightmare Moon's and starting to crystallize into glowing gems of red, blue, pink, purple, orange, and magenta.
Twilight Sparkle gasped in a sudden moment of clarity.
"I have selected you to oversee preparations at the site of this year's Summer Sun Celebration in Ponyville."
"...and waste my ubermarensch caliber intellect on organizing a podunk backwater mudpony insult to my favorite holiday..."
"...meet some friends..."
"It says there are six elements..."
"What in the void is this nonsense?!" Nightmare Moon snarled before firing another beam of energy at the six of them. It was deflected harmlessly by the shimmering shape of a rainbow colored translucent orb around them, apparently too strong for even the alicorn's magic to penetrate.
"It's not nonsense, it makes perfect sense! I was just too unwilling to trust my teacher to realize it!" Twilight Sparkle answered, standing as tall as her broken body would allow. "These weapons were once wielded in ancient times by a mighty alicorn princess that epitomized the virtues they represent, but such a figure no longer exists. The best we normal ponies can do is epitomize one, and unfortunately for you I brought all of them with me!"
The orange shards gathered around Applejack.
"Applejack proved herself honest, by uh...I guess it was factual enough that I would be fine by letting go of the cliff? I mean, would've saved us time and me some trauma by just telling me the pegasi were going to catch me but...yeah! Honesty!"
The pink shards gathered around Fluttershy.
"Fluttershy proved herself kind, by being the only one of us that gave even a single buck about the manticore I killed!"
The blue shards gathered around Pinkie Pie.
"Pinkie Pie uh...laughed! ...at us...derisively because...we thought trees were monsters but...laughter!"
The purple shards gathered around Rarity.
"Rarity proved herself generous by giving Applejack's tail to a serpent in need! I'm sure that might not hold up to later inspection but buck it, that's what we're going with!"
The red shards gathered around Rainbow Dash who looked quite uncertain as to whether or not they were actually there.
"Rainbow Dash proved herself loyal by not er...immediately abandoning us to whatever she was hallucinating about on the other side of that bridge! Again, still working!"
Only the magenta shards remained.
"As for me...I'm not honest...or kind, or mirthful, or generous, or loyal. In this whole world there's only a hoof full of things I'm good at, and most of them involve quills and papers and bindings. There's one other though, and it's the only thing I can think of that would be useful enough to warrant my being chosen for this!"
"No, wait! This is impos-...actually it's quite possible but I just don't want it to be!" Nightmare Moon wailed in alarm as the groups of colored shards glowed white and coalesced into bright orbs that found their place at the base of the five pony's necks.
"Too bad! I'm not an ubermarensch after all, but I am still bucking magic and I will not let you kill my friends!" Twilight shouted as the magenta shards formed together and levitated to her head. The six mares floated off the ground as the glowing orbs resolved into golden gem bearing artifacts, a necklace for each save for Twilight who now wore a crown bearing a gem shaped like a six sided star. Beams of energy shot from the gems of the five necklaces and concentrated on Twilight's crown, the element of magic shining so brightly with the gathering power that the wicked mare of darkness was forced to back away and shield her eyes fearfully. From the center of this nexus of power emerged a ray of light with all the colors of a rainbow that made a beeline straight for Nightmare Moon.
Pinkie Pie chose that point to yell something at the top of her lungs. It was a phrase as old as time itself that had been worn down to the nub and long ago ceased to amuse anypony in the slightest for how predictable it had become. Yet, no other phrase would do. At that legendary juncture, as though sensing it inherently, Pinkie knew the exact words to utter such that all would be right with the world.
"TASTE THE RAINBOW MOTHERBUCKER!"
The armored alicorn cried out in terror and pain as she was struck for the second time by the most powerful magic weapon that Equestria had ever known. The force knocked her back across the room into one of the stone walls, sending cracks snaking through the stone around her from the impact and pinning her in place, unable to move. She let out a scream that became increasingly distorted as her armor melted into molten slag and her black as night coat started to burn away, revealing a dark blue one beneath.
------{YOU DEFEATED}------
"Owww...too much magic..." Twilight groaned as she gripped her somewhat aching skull from her place once more prone on the floor. It then struck her that the magical surge related headache was the only thing currently hurting her. She stood easily on four sturdy legs, her coat was purple without streams of blood, both of her eyes opened easily, and the crack in her horn was gone! "Oh goddess yes I'm healed!" she cheered happily as she indulged in a bit of hopping in circles.
"Mah tail's back! And mah ribbon!" Applejack said with a bright smile as she looked back at herself.
"Aww, it's back? Aw well, I got a good enough look on the way over here, hehe!" Pinkie giggled before joining Twilight in her circle hopping.
"Damn it Pinkie stop sayin' weird stuff like th-"
"And just look at these simply divine necklaces!" Rarity marveled at her newly acquired magical jewelry. "Oh and saving the world and such," she added hastily.
"For having such wimpy names these things sure pack a punch, I can't wait until we get to do that again!" Rainbow Dash boasted as she admired the aftermath of their attack consisting of a roasted black path along the floor, a large black splattering of ash and melted metal on the wall, and a small dark blue corpse on the floor beneath it.
"You mean you can't wait until the world's about to end in a big damn catastrophe again?" Applejack pointed out.
"More like big damn cat-awesome-phe!"
...
"Ya'll're an idiot."
"You're boring!"
"I'm...also here, if that's okay?" Fluttershy muttered at a barely audible level.
"And I'm late," said a voice quite familiar to all of them. They turned to see a white coated, gold clad alicorn princess standing by one of the ancient room's large windows, her horn alight with magic as she raised the sun and then smiled warmly at them.
"Princess!" Twilight gushed as she galloped over and immediately embraced her while blurting out apologies.
"You have done well my student, far better than you could have ever known," Celestia assured her as she returned the embrace.
"But...wait, shouldn't you be outside of your skull right now?" Twilight asked as she remembered the tea switching spell.
"Twilight, I've had serious issues to block out for a long time. At this point I'm literally immune to every drug known to pony kind through sheer over use," the princess explained quite plainly.
"Oh...wow," the much smaller unicorn said wide eyed. "I didn't even know that was possible in a pony's lifetime."
"Your attempted coup did however give me a good excuse to remove your training wheels by not being available to help you, and get a day to myself to relax and mess with my guard's heads a little," Celestia added with a mischievous smirk from recent memories she would later enjoy recalling.
Twilight blinked, then frowned. "So you nearly let me die as a teaching method?!"
"The key word here being 'nearly'," her mentor replied, unfazed.
"Wait, coup?!" Rarity inquired with a raised eyebrow.
"You are all to be commended and forever remembered for saving the world this day, but you've done something even greater for which I can never properly repay you," the princess continued, ignoring Rarity's question as she strode toward Nightmare Moon's remains...which began moving, provoking a gasp of surprise from the six mares that had just defeated her! She was no longer the mighty nightmare that had nearly done them in though, now reduced to an alicorn only slightly larger than a normal pony with a dark blue coat and light blue mane, looking up fearfully at the sun princess towering over her. "Luna, will you-"
The smaller alicorn was blasted by another rainbow beam that sent her crashing through the stone wall and down into the moat below.
"Good double tap girls, now let's get down there and check for a heart beat!" Twilight ordered, her crown glowing brightly as her friends replied in the affirmative.
"STOP!" Celestia commanded with a cringe as she magically rooted the six mares in place before they could push the attack any further.
------{STATIC}------
"So Celestia is actually thousands and thousands of years old, Nightmare Moon was actually her sister Luna, who is also thousands and thousands of years old, they were the ancient royal sisters of legend this entire time, and Celestia had all this planned out centuries ahead of time and you were giving her shit for it both in words and in the form of drugged tea?" Spike asked, having only recently awoken from his required nap.
"That sums it up pretty neatly," Twilight nodded.
"And we also blasted Luna through a castle wall and into a moat!" Pinkie Pie added after managing to extract herself from the ludicrously large serving of cotton candy she was currently destroying.
"Would it be rude to ask how she keeps looking like that after thousands of years?" Rarity pondered aloud.
"Do we have to worry about jail time or anything of the sort? It just feels like drugging one princess and blasting another one through a wall is the sort of thing that would land a pony in a dungeon for at least five times longer than their natural lifespan," Spike inquired further.
"If she can forgive her sister for almost ending the world twice, I guess it doesn't seem odd for her to forgive me for those things," Twilight estimated, though still sounded a bit nervous regarding the near future.
"Ah wouldn't worry none, them alicorns're pretty durable. Why that fall would've killed me and there's Luna up there just wearin' a few bandages," Applejack pointed out before taking another bite of apple fritter.
"Actually I think she looks kind of sad...that's um, just my opinion though," Fluttershy muttered.
------{STATIC}------
"Was this parade really necessary sister?" Luna deadpanned as she sat next to Celestia looking half mummy and all miserable with bandages.
"I only wish to share my joy at being reunited with you and let our subjects greet you on the day of your joyous return Luna," Celestia assured her with a soft nuzzle. "Besides, they are quite happy to see you."
"They have been hurling insults and epithets at us, some of which we are completely unfamiliar with but still recognize as insults and epithets."
"And what of those ponies out there holding up gifts in your honor?"
"Those are pitchforks. And a noose."
------{STATIC}------
"Are you ready to return to Canterlot my faithful student?" Celestia asked as the open door of the royal chariot awaited her. Twilight's only response was a lengthy pause and then a lip bite of uncertainty as she looked back over her shoulder at her friends. "Is something the matter?"
She sighed in resignation. "Yes...it's me. I'm the matter Princess. Before I came here I was a withdrawn, selfish, cynical, egotistical pony, and deep down I know I still mostly am. It took five ponies offering to sacrifice themselves for my sake to make me realize even that much. If I get on that chariot and go home, I feel that all that's going to happen is I lose touch with my friends and revert to the same pony I used to be when I arrived...plus there's a library here that is sorted alphabetically without a trace of an index card or decimal designation anywhere and I will experience actual physical pain if I don't sort that out!"
"Well then perhaps I was too hasty in dismissing your crimes against the crown," Celestia said while smiling knowingly. "Twilight Sparkle, for your attempted poisoning of royalty, and your needless assault upon a member of the royal family, I sentence you to a term of community service for this town of Ponyville. You are hereby ordered to live within and maintain the Golden Oak Library until such time as I deem your debt to society fully paid," the princess decreed.
"Thank you Princess...I think?" she replied, at first happy but then uncertain along with her friends who looked to one another wondering whether it was appropriate to cheer and leap into a group hug at that time.
"You are also to continue your studies, and I will expect a periodic letter documenting your progress," Celestia added.
Twilight's well honed student instinct took over and removed all doubt from her mind. "Yes Princess, you will receive one letter per week, every Tuesday on the dot, without fail!"
"Well I won't begrudge you an off week or two, the real world is much less predictable than a class roo-"
"Without fail!" Twilight repeated as though it were an extra credit assignment, a phrase which to her had always meant 'do this or you are a failure'.
"Hrm, suit yourself, I don't suppose punctuality will do any harm after all," Celestia acquiesced with a soft chuckle before boarding the chariot as a rotten tomato flew over the crowd and struck Luna on the side of the head.
------{STATIC}------
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I feel immense regret for a childhood wasted in isolation, knowing now that I could've had friends like Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie this whole time. But on the other hoof, if friendship is the magic that powers the elements of harmony, perhaps it was for the best. I can't imagine a pony that is accustomed to being surrounded by friends feeling the rush of the completely unfamiliar and wonderful that I did when I realized my friends were willing to go to such lengths just for my sake, and it is doubtless that the strength of that revelation lent no small amount of power to the resulting magical reaction. Maybe the elements don't just look for ponies that epitomize their respective element, but for ponies that come to realize the importance of those elements through unfulfilled need of them, even if they only realize it belatedly. It has taken me a truly long time, but I think I'm ready to admit that I do need friendship, and I have needed it all the while. My life's plans never included anypony but me, and my success, and my power, but at this point it's safe to say that those plans have been happily ruined forever.
Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle
P.S. Please have somepony scour the archives for a cure for the consumption of the petals of Gaudius Tripiscus, also known as totally-sweet-ultra-super-happy-fun-flower. Rainbow Dash ate one in the Everfree Forest and we thought she was in the clear when the hallucinations stopped but it turns out that was merely the eye of the storm, and the other side of the storm was being completely gone to a mental happy land where nopony can follow for about a week or so.
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Oh interesting, I'm very surprised by how you managed to somehow make Ubermarensch Twilight into a likable pony and the legitimate use of The Elements of Harmony at the end there (even if the reasoning behind why they represented the EoH was indeed a bit suspect). I was expecting something more along the lines of the Mane 6 somehow killing NMM through bullshit or Celestia arriving to save the day (though I wasn't expecting that bit about being immune to the drug, definitely made her seem more on top of things).
Loved your various plays on the trials they overcame, Twilight just using her powers to vaporize things to solve her issues is one of my all time favorite fanon for her. The bickering between the ponies was well done and reasonable. Dash while high on that flower was fantastic.
Loved your end bit there in the Author's Notes and I agree with most of it. Applejack and Rainbow Dash really could have done well to have their EoH swapped, Dash is pretty brutally honest a lot of the time and AJ is stubborn and loyal as a mule. Anyway I really liked it and hope to see more!