Friendship is Oddly Intrusive
Once upon a time, in the magical yet somewhat unimaginably named land of Equestria, the entire known cosmos was controlled by two siblings, because that was a great idea! The eldest used her unicorn powers to raise the sun at dawn, and the younger brought out the moon to begin the night. Somehow, maintaining this cycle created harmony for all the land, despite doing absolutely nothing to address economic and social issues. Also nopony really bothered to wonder what had kept the sun and moon and nature in general functioning before they showed up. But despite the fact that she was pampered royalty whose only hardship in life was being tasked with making some truly B team decisions, the younger sister decided to flip her shit because she wasn't getting enough attention from sleeping ponies who had the audacity to have to go to work in the morning.
Oh there was plenty of time to discuss the topic too! But whenever the eldest saw the younger moping around all dawn before bed and asked if something was wrong she went all passive aggressive telling her that nooooo nothing was wrong she was just fine! The eldest made the mistake of expecting the younger to be a mature adult about the matter, but then one day things boiled over and she was like "younger sibling lower the moon it's really cold out" and then the younger sibling was like "I'm Nightmare Moon now and mommy always loved you better and you always took my cake" and the eldest was all "I told you I had a problem things are different now wait why are we talking about this what does this have to do with keeping the moon up until nine in the morning?' to which the younger replied 'it has laser beams to do with it!' The eldest was confused because this answer made no sense. Then a laser beam hit her in the face, to which she replied "oh."
And such a mighty, epic battle did ensue! Flying through the night sky that was actually day, ducking through architecture, the eldest not returning fire at all, the entire climactic encounter taking a much much shorter amount of screen time than three seasons worth of mystery and fan fiction had lead all to believe! But then, just when the child friendly bit of legendarily one sided violence threatened to get a little repetitive, the elder was struck down and plummeted from the sky through the shattered roof of the throne room that she and her sister had once so happily shared! There, as she lay still, her purple pupil wept over her unmoving form, asking why the younger would do thi-wait that didn't happen yet. Uh...
...
Anywho, the eldest fell into a completely empty throne room.
...
Empty just like her heart, imploding from the bitter black hole of misery and woe from her sister's utter and complete betrayal of her love! Feeling the sting of a thousand daggers comprised entirely of sadness stabbing into her chest, the eldest resorted to her only remaining option, to trade her sister's continuing presence upon this world for the welfare of her kingdom! Using the Elements of Harmony, she banished her to the moon and doomed them both to a millennium of solitude, separated from the only fixed point in one another's lives that they knew would not waste away to the bitter reality of mortality in a continual cycle of pain and loss unending!
Yep, it was pretty bad.
After that, the eldest took up the role her sister once filled, which would be pretty easy for her considering her usual work, I mean the sun's about eight hundred seventy-five thousand miles in diameter and ninety-three million miles away. The moon almost doesn't exist in comparison. Once things had settled down, her subjects were joyous that peace had been restored, and had the dandy idea to throw a celebration of the day every single year forever! The eldest sister kindly stated that such measures weren't necessary but her subjects insisted that they create an annual, super happy, brightly colored festival celebrating how they were all still together and happy with loving friends and family, on the day that the youngest sister had been banished!
For some reason the eldest sister once more began having problems regarding cake and the over consumption thereof.
"Wow, who the hay edited this?" the purple unicorn pondered aloud as she looked down at the book resting at her hooves with an upraised eyebrow. Her horn then alighted with a magical aura that levitated the book closer to her muzzle for more thorough examination. "Furthermore, how am I even reading this page? It's two pictures with no text at all!"
"Oh there you are Twilight Sparkle! Moondancer is having a little get together in the west-"
"Gah!" the startled and now conveniently named mare exclaimed before a conjured can of disinfectant blinked into existence prior to spraying the intruding ivory coated unicorn in the face.
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Ruined Forever: Season One
Friendship is Oddly Intrusive
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"Perfect!" the little, purple scaled, green spined baby dragon proclaimed proudly as he put the finishing touch on his gift wrapping. Looking quite pleased with himself, he picked up the present with one hand, smoothed back the spines atop his head with the other, and then grabbed the doorknob just in time to be flung backwards into a book case by the dramatic entrance of his would be caretaker through the double doors of her private library tower. He was then pummeled by a preponderance of plummeting paperbacks, publications, and pamphlets that he'd spent the last few hours sorting in a hurry so that he would have extra time to attend a party. As the final indignity, once he'd emerged unharmed he found that his spines were now out of order on account of having skewered the present of which he'd been so proud. Also, the final indignity wasn't the final indignity in the slightest.
"Spike! I told you to have everything re-shelved by the time I got back, and here you are in a pile of unshelved books?" she scoffed as the can of disinfectant she had been levitating at the ready tucked itself back inside of her saddlebag. "What have you been doing this whole time? And what's that on your head?"
"Moondancer's late birthday pres-" Spike started before he was gripped by Twilight's magic and wrenched free of the pile.
"Nevermind, there's more important things to be talking about, much more important!" she interrupted as she levitated the mangled mass of box, wrapping, and torn up teddy bear off of Spike and into the conveniently located chute labeled 'completely legitimate incinerator that has never been abused to destroy incriminating documentation'.
"But we've been invited to lunch for once, I even convinced Twinkleshine to invite you as my plus one and told her where to find you!" he replied while dusting a few bits of dust off himself that had been covering the older tomes.
"Well, that explains why she snuck up on me then," she mused aloud as she unceremoniously dropped her baby dragon assistant to the floor before trotting up to her favorite reading spot, which was of course atop a raised platform from which she could lord over her book filled domain.
"Please tell me you didn't spray her with the disinfectant," Spike groaned, putting a clawed hand to his forehead after he got back to his feet.
"Spike don't worry, she's fine," she assured him dismissively as she started examining the legion of books now floating around her.
"I CAN'T SEE! IT BURNS! AAAAAAAAH!" came the distant cry from an ivory coated unicorn mare gripping her eyes in pain and writhing on the ground.
"See? Healthy ponies can't scream that loud. She's fine. Now stop dragging your feet and help me save the world!" Twilight ordered as she continued flipping through pages with rising frustration. Spike let out a fatigued grumble and started trudging toward where he knew their copy of Predictions and Prophecies rested on the shelf, mentally relinquishing his latest failed effort to obtain a life outside the tower. "Guh! Why can I never find that book when I need it?!" she growled in exasperation.
"It's right here on the shelf, where you told me to put it after you found it left on your desk two days ago when you suspected the visiting prime minister of being the great destroyer, which was where you told me to leave it after you had to go looking for it another two days before that when you thought the atmosphere was going to be vaporized by a passing comet," Spike answered as he pulled the book from the shelf. Rather than offer any words of reply, Twilight magically grabbed the book and pulled it across the library baby dragon and all, knocking the little fire breathing lizard against a chair, a few table legs, some of the more empty shelves, and a metal lighting fixture on the way across the room and upward before he finally let go of the book and fell back to the floor.
"Finally!" she beamed briefly before burying her nose in the text.
"I'm pretty sure there was a straight line you could've pulled that book along that would've avoided hitting every single thing in the tower," Spike pointed out from his spot below as he admired the stars floating round his head.
"And I'm pretty sure you could've let go of the book when you felt me grab hold of it," Twilight countered as her eyes darted from left to right between turns of the page.
"That's a...good point actually," the baby dragon replied, stumped as to any other response as he looked up toward the ceiling and rested a single claw on his chin in contemplation.
"Aha! Found it!" the unicorn above proclaimed before she magically blinked into view standing over him, pointing the open book downward for him to see.
"Uh, found what?"
"Right here!" she said whilst irritably pointing a hoof. "The Mare in the Moon!"
"Let's pretend that I'm not the one who's been reading like crazy for two days straight, and I don't know why a series of craters on the moon that looks like a pony head is important?" Spike proposed whilst scooting his way out from beneath her.
The lavender mare let out a sound composed of equal parts sigh and growl. "Okay, fine Spike. The whole reason I'm here in this school started with the Summer Sun Celebration, and since I'm bored out of my mind during break I decided to do some reading about it because it means so much to me. Turns out that nine centuries ago it was called the Victory Sunrise Festival, before somepony really, really high up the chain decreed it be changed to the Summer Sun Celebration and moved to the longest day of the year. I only found this as a footnote in the oldest book I could find on the subject, oldest by centuries! This has probably been forgotten for hundreds of years!" She began explaining whilst pacing back and forth leering intently at the book in front of her.
"Huh," Spike responded whilst busying himself re-shelving books. His interest was entirely genuine. No, really. So genuine. The genuinest.
"Naturally I started wondering why it was changed, and then on a hunch I looked up the history of Nightmare Night. It was started only ten years after the Victory Sunrise Festival was changed, supposedly by ponies who wanted to preserve some aspect of the original festival and had to work under cover of night to avoid catching any royal attention. The central figure of Nightmare Night is Nightmare Moon, but the way the holiday describes her is just as a made up boogie mare to scare foals into behaving, there had to be more to it so I spent the last six hours trying to find any reference to Nightmare Moon that I could."
"Mhm," Spike replied in a continuing outpouring of the most genuine interest to ever be genuine while stacking some papers that had fallen from a desk in the commotion.
"But it's bafflingly hard to find any mention of her unrelated to Nightmare Night! I was beginning to lose hope, but then I found her again in this...uniquely written book of old legends, specifically in an old story regarding two sisters who used to rule together a thousand years ago. The younger sister transformed into Nightmare Moon and was banished to the moon to prevent her from forcing the world into eternal night. That made me think of the myth of the Mare in the Moon, particularly the part right here where upon the longest day of the thousandth year the stars will bring about her escape! The change to the Summer Sun Celebration, the starting of Nightmare Night, the legend of the two sisters, and the Mare in the Moon; they're directly connected, it just can't all be coincidence!"
"Oh, right," Spike nodded, his most genuine of attentions so sincerely riveted on her theorizing while he focused on straightening some pencils on a lectern.
"The one who ordered the change to the Sunrise Victory Festival must have been the elder sister not wanting to be reminded of what she'd been forced to do that day, and the ponies who started Nightmare Night must have wanted to preserve the knowledge of what happened in a way that would be passed on from generation to generation for a thousand years. Well, it worked, thanks to me!" she concluded triumphantly before turning to see a baby dragon doing everything but listening to her. "Spike, what are you doing? I thought you wanted an explanation!"
"I did...so that you would be talking long enough for me to clean up without you knocking anything else over," he explained as he shifted a lesser reading table to be arranged at a precise ninety degree angle from the nearest bookshelf.
"You know what? Fine, just take a note for the princess!" Twilight ordered curtly before her assistant dutifully grabbed a quill, inkwell, and parchment. She cleared her throat before continuing.
Dear Princess Celestia, it has come to my attention through judicious study of historical and cultural archives that we are a mere sunset away from the utter and complete end of our world as we know it! Upon the stroke of midnight tonight, the evil Nightmare Moon, who had been banished to the moon a thousand years ago by one of your predecessors, will return and ensure that the sun never rises again! An army must be amassed with all due haste to combat the coming of this prophecy, lest the planet be plunged into a winter unending! You are the only one with the political authority to take such measures and I as your faithful student implore you to do the right thing! Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.
"Alright Spike, send it!"
"So wait, you're requesting the most massive military action possible based on folk holidays, storybooks for foals, and a book of prophecies by Neighstradamus which mostly consist of things like, and I quote, 'there will be a day, and upon that day a thing will happen, and it will be of some import to world events'?" Spike interjected.
"Spike send the letter," she deadpanned.
"This is almost as weird as last week when you tried to convince Celestia that there was an empire of technologically advanced subterranean canines that was days from emerging to kill us all," Spike continued while waiting for the ink to dry.
"Send, the letter, Spike," she repeated through grit teeth.
"But that one wasn't nearly as outrageous as last month when you suggested that our entire planet had been relocated for use in some kind of reality destroying super weapo-"
"SEND THE BUCKING LETTER!" she bellowed at the end of her patience.
The baby dragon flinched and spent a few frantic seconds trying to catch the letter he'd almost dropped before hastily rolling it up and breathing green fire upon it, consuming the parchment into a cloud of enchanted ashes that then flew out the window. "Okay okay, sent!"
"Good!" she nodded. "Don't go anywhere, I'm expecting a nearly immediate reply due to the severity of this issue."
"You said that the last ten times and we were-urk!" Spike started before a belch of flame that formed into a reply letter interrupted him.
"Aha, what did I tell you?" she smirked triumphantly before snatching it out of midair and opening it.
My faithful student, it has become increasingly apparent from your near daily proclamations of impending doom and terror that perhaps your vast and expansive intellect would be better served by giving you something to do. To that end, and because I know how much you dearly treasure the holiday, I have selected you to oversee preparations at the site of this year's Summer Sun Celebration in Ponyville. There I hope you will be able to focus your mind, meet some friends, and step outside of this comfort zone in which you have so steadfastly barricaded yourself.
"...oh...it's like that then," Twilight said with a prickly looking frown.
"What did she say?"
"Nevermind what she said Spike, take another letter!" she seethed.
"Uh...you sure you don't want to take a few minutes to cool off first?"
As reasonable a suggestion as it was, Spike only had to look her in the face for a few seconds to get the point that she wanted nothing to do with said suggestion, and also that his soul would potentially be forfeit depending on his next choice of words.
"Right, silly suggestion, I mean why pause when you've probably get a reply fresh in your mind already, you know?"
Possession of soul preserved.
"Exactly! Now-...what are you writing? I didn't even dictate anything yet!" Twilight asked as she noticed Spike scribbling something at the bottom of the page.
"What? No, I'm not writing anything, just making sure the quill doesn't need another dip yet is all!" he explained before smiling awkwardly.
Twilight gave him another few seconds of narrow eyed inspection before taking a breath to begin her dictation.
Oh, my apologies. You see, had you actually been Princess Celestia, leader of all Equestria and most powerful pony I've had the fortune to know, you would've promptly sprung into action to protect your beloved subjects. As you are suggesting I instead simply ignore the incredible danger soon to rear its ugly head and waste my ubermarensch caliber intellect on organizing a podunk backwater mudpony insult to my favorite holiday, it has become quite apparent to me that there has been a mistake in delivery of the previous message. Should you actually see the sovereign ruler of Equestria who, unlike you, would actually be concerned with the fate of her kingdom, I would very much appreciate if you could inform me as to her whereabouts as there are ever so important matters to discuss.
P.S. THIS IS SPIKE I'M SORRY I ONLY WROTE WHAT SHE TOLD ME TO
"Send it!"
The beleaguered baby dragon sighed and did as requested.
"There, that ought to put a fire under her rump and get us on track to stopping this!"
It took only a few minutes before there was a sharp impact of four gold shod hooves at the front door prior to it being flung open to reveal a towering white alicorn clad in golden royal barding with a long polychromatic mane and tail which both sparkled with the light of the sun as they drifted along in an unseen ethereal breeze.
She looked slightly pissed.
"About time! Now if you're not convinced, I have plenty of evidence to back up my-"
Celestia discontinued her student's explanation by way of magical levitation via nape of her neck.
"Hey! Put me down!" she shouted as her horn lit up in an utterly ineffective attempt to counter the alicorn's grip upon her. Kicking her hooves around yielded similarly futile results.
"Nope, on the chariot, let's go, come on Spike," the princess replied dismissively as she carried her student off like a naughty puppy whilst her assistant followed behind wiping the sweat from his forehead and thanking the stars above that that had not gone any worse.
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"What do you think she meant by 'I'm not losing another student to this ubermarensch bullshittery'?" Spike pondered as the clouds zoomed past them from their seat aboard the royal chariot currently being pulled by two royal guards.
"Regardless of what she meant, what she did is prove herself unfit to lead Equestria, which makes me glad I thought ahead and enchanted a scroll with a spell rigged to cast itself in the event that I'm forced to leave Canterlot, replacing Celestia's mid morning tea with a batch of totally-sweet-ultra-super-happy-fun-flower petal extract that I was saving for just such an occasion!" Twilight replied as she maintained her fixed grump face on the city from which they had departed.
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Celestia gave her guards a nod of acknowledgement as they opened the door to her private quarters for her, closing it behind her after she had stepped through. Once inside she pulled off her crown and took a seat on the white sitting cushion at her table, a pot of hot tea awaiting her so that she might have a few moments to relax before returning to the rigors of the day. There was another cushion on the other side of the table colored a dark blue that never seemed to get any use anymore.
Before she could stress about Twilight Sparkle's recent outbursts any further she sighed and poured herself a cup of tea before taking a sip.
...
She smacked her lips a few times with a look of puzzlement on her eyes before taking another sip.
...
She sniffed her cup briefly with an upraised eyebrow and then took another lengthier drink.
...
Her eyes narrowed. "This is not tea."
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"Do you really think slipping the leader of our kingdom powerful hallucinogens is a reasonable response to all this? Furthermore, is doing that that then discussing it right behind her guards not kind of dumb?" Spiked pointed out with a nod of his head toward the two pegasus stallions pulling them along.
"Spike, please, if the royal chariot wasn't enchanted to thwart eavesdropping guards I doubt the kingdom would've lasted this long without collapsing beneath security leaks. Furthermore, it'll all be fine, I'm only doing this to discredit her in the eyes of the public so that I can more easily sway them to my side and rally our forces. Hopefully she'll learn something from all this and be a better leader in the future. In the meantime, I'll finish her little foal's errand and then sequester myself in the local library to research my backup plan. I know its been a thousand years, but if the elements of harmony mentioned in the legend are still in working order they'll be an invaluable tool in beating back Nightmare Moon!"
"You're going to spend your first time outside Canterlot in ages reading books alone in a library?" Spike asked as the two royal guards began their final descent into the charming little town below.
"And what's your suggestion?" she snapped back, bracing herself briefly against the slight jostle of their landing before hopping out.
"I don't know, sight see a little, say hi to some ponies, strike up a few conversations? You know, normal stuff," Spike answered with a casual shrug.
"Normal stuff is for normal ponies Spike. I am not a normal pony, and we sure as hay aren't in a normal situation either!" Twilight grumbled as she pointedly examined their list of objectives for the day.
"Seriously Twilight? You can't even so much as say hello to ponies as we pass by? It takes half a second and you might meet somepony nice, fun, or helpful!" he urged her before pointing at a pink pony on the street ahead of them. "Just say hi to one pony, try it on for size!"
Twilight growled and rolled her eyes while putting the list aside and slightly altering course. "For pony's sake Spike, fine. If it'll get you to shut up about it and let us get on with the day I'll do it."
"Great, you won't regret this a bit!" Spike assured her as she trotted over the pink, curly maned, blue eyed mare.
"Uh...hi, I just got here from Canterlot and I was-"
The pink mare gasped in shock and promptly exploded.
Twilight was left standing there before a charred mark on the ground in complete shock with steaming blood and seared bits of meat covering her from head to hoof. The only sound that came out of her mouth was a terrified squeak while her right eye twitched and her ears rang.
...
"Huh, glad I was standing behind you for that one," Spike remarked after a few silent moments.
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Twilight pulled her head out of the cool clean running water of the creek and took a deep breath, now certain that the last bits of pink pony splatterings had now been cleaned away. "Now that I've had some time to calm down and get my thoughts together again, you know what the worst part of that was Spike?"
"What?" Spike asked while holding up a towel that was then gripped by her levitation magic.
"Nopony else even reacted. Not a bit! Like a pony exploding is an every day occurrence around here! There's even more wrong with this town than I thought!" she ranted whilst toweling herself off until she was no longer dripping wet.
"Have to agree with you this time, that was nuts," Spike agreed as he grabbed the towel floating toward him and started wringing it out.
"On the bright side, I feel like it can't possibly get worse than exploding ponies, and I'm handling it alright. Perhaps this won't be such a bad thing to get through after all!" she continued, a more confident smile soon replacing her thousand yard stare.
"That's the spirit Twilight!" he cheered.
"Right then, let's go down the check list and finish this so we can save the world!"
"Alright, next stop is the Sweet Apple Acres farm to check on the catering," Spike replied after glancing down at their list.
"Oh. A farm. We're sure starting this at the hillbilliest point we possibly can aren't we?" she remarked, her high spirits deflating a bit as they started on their way.
"Eh it won't be so bad," he said with a dismissive wave of his hand from her side.
"Yeah, probably right," she nodded, managing another softer smile.
------{STATIC}------
"Hey there stranger, what's your name?"
"Nice to meet ya ma'am, welcome to the farm!"
"You're just in time for some mighty fine treats here!"
"Always a pleasure to have a surprise guest!"
"Feel free to take a load off and enjoy some of the famous Apply Family hospitality!"
"SPIKE, DON'T FORGET TO AIM FOR THE HEAD, AND IF ONE BITES ME AT LEAST WAIT UNTIL I TURN TO KILL ME, I'D DO THE SAME FOR YOU!" Twilight shouted from her spot backed up against the barn hopelessly surrounded by friendly country ponies. She and her assistant both held loaded crossbows the unicorn had brought along just for such emergencies. Spike silently rolled his eyes and undid the safety latch on his weapon to let off the tension in the bowstring before it could hurt anypony, looking oddly like this was not his first time in such a situation.
"Whoaaaaa Nelly! C'mon Apples, give a filly a little breathin' room!" said an orange coated, blonde maned, freckle faced pony wearing a brown stetson hat as she pushed through the gathered earth ponies with an amused smile on her face.
"Oh, sorry 'bout that ma'am!"
"Didn't mean to crowd ya' none."
"Now then, allow me to be one more pony to welcome both of ya'll to Sweet Apple Acres! Name's Applejack, what brings ya'll out here to these parts?" the orange mare greeted as her apparent family members gave the purple unicorn some space but still looked quite attentive.
"Oh...uh, right!" Twilight said before sheepishly setting down her crossbow and continuing. "I'm Twilight Sparkle, I was sent by the princess to check on preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration, and according to my list ya'll-you all are handling the catering, so here I am," she explained.
"Well you tell Princess Celestia not to worry none about the caterin', we've got it all well in hoof here, right Apples?" Applejack said proudly.
She was answered with a simultaneous cheer that made Twilight instinctively back against the barn again.
"In fact, why don't ya stay a spell? You can meet the family, and sample some of the dishes we're gonna be servin' up tonight and tomorrow. Why ah bet it'll be just what ya need to let off some of that uh...stress...you're havin' there," she suggested while none too subtly nudging the crossbow away from Twilight with her hoof.
"What? Absolutely not, we have far too many important things to do today!" Twilight declined firmly with a frown and stomp of her hoof.
"In that case, at least let me introduce the family, they'll be happy to meet ya properly without all the...cornerin'...and potentially deadly crossbowin'...while implying we're zombies just because we as a family are very friendly to everypony," she insisted, the offer becoming a bit awkward near the end.
"Um...why? I'm probably going to forget all your names minutes after leaving the property anyway, what good will wasting time like that actually do...any...pony..."
At that moment a tall, well muscled, handsome looking stallion strode into view around the side of the barn effortlessly pulling a cart loaded down with barrels full of apples. His coat was red, his mane and cropped tail orange, and he wore the collar of a workhorse, casually chewing on a sprig of wheat as he worked. Twilight's eyes widened and she craned her neck to get a better view around Applejack, a slight blush coloring her cheeks.
"Nevermind please introduce me to your family!" she blurted out suddenly.
"Well alrighty then!" Applejack replied, happy to oblige. "This here filly's mah little sister Applebloom," she began, patting the head of a little yellow red maned filly with a bow in her air that had just trotted her way over.
"Howdy!"
"And that back there's mah big brother Big McIntosh, we just call him Big Mac." She turned to look at the stallion in question and waved her hoof. "Hey Big Mac, come on over here'n say hi to Twilight Sparkle!"
He unhitched himself from the cart and then strode over to them, regarding Twilight with a soft smile and a nod. "Ma'am."
Before she could stop herself, Twilight giggled like a little school filly but then stopped herself, turning beet red for a moment before straightening her posture and clearing her throat. "Um, hi," she replied in the smoothest of manners.
Applejack proceeded to rattle off a list of apple related names that the purple unicorn could not have possibly cared less about while she made eyes at her brother who took one look at her and then sighed in a very 'not this shit again' fashion.
"-Caramel Apple, Apple Crisp, and Apple Tart!" Applejack finally concluded.
"Would ya like to stay for brunch?" Applebloom offered with a beaming smile as she looked up at Twilight.
"Nah, Twilight's got a lot on her plate today already Applebloom," her big sister interjected with a soft shake of her head.
"Actually, if your biiiiiig brother is going to be there, I wouldn't mind staying for brunch until I'm just stuffed to the brim, if you know what I mean," Twilight corrected as she sidled close to Big Mac and batted her eyelashes at him ever so subtly.
"Eeeyup," he replied with another nod.
------{STATIC}------
"Urp! That is not what I meant at all," the large bellied, pie laden pony groaned as she trudged along on the way to their next destination.
"Why did you keep eating so many pies if you didn't want that many?" Spike asked, looking up from his list.
"Because if I had recanted my acceptance of their hospitality, those redneck ponies would've become irrationally offended and we would've been stuck in some horrid Hills Have Chainsaw Massacres scenario! I did what I had to in order to get us out of there!" she explained before her cheeks briefly puffed out from another restrained burp.
"Oh, my hero," the baby dragon snickered in reply.
"What do they even do with so many calories?! Ugh, this would never have happened if Celestia hadn't taken away my can of defensive disinfectant. How can she expect me to carry out her orders if I'm constantly anxious because of germs?"
"Pfft, come on Twilight, I know you're not a germaphobe. You make fun of ponies who are for not understanding how an immune system works! The only reason you carry that can around is because the water bottle spray wasn't working and the princess wouldn't allow you to buy a can of pepper spray!"
"Ugh, buck it I don't care anymore, what's next on the list?"
"Checking how the weather will be tonight and tomorrow. We need to get in touch with the head of the local weather management, she's a pegasus named Rainbow Dash," he answered, reading from the notes he'd brought along.
"Great, so, from the ground, we have to find the one pegasus in this town who could actually be miles away from here dealing with potentially interfering weather patterns. This is going to take hours!" she complained seconds before a rainbow colored streak came out of nowhere and struck her with sufficient velocity to kick up dirt and debris in all directions and leave them both at the bottom of a six foot deep crater.
"Wow...two for two on standing in the right spots today!" Spike proclaimed victoriously before looking behind him, pondering if he should look into the crater.
"Woops, heh, that trick went a bit wrong, thanks for breaking my fall though!" came an unfamiliar voice.
It was answered by the sound of a unicorn throwing up.
"Ah! Ew! Eeeeew! What the hay is wrong with you, it's all over me!"
"OH DID I VOMIT ON YOU AFTER YOU SLAMMED INTO ME AT MACH 'HOLY SHIT' AND BROKE THREE OF MY LEGS AND ASSORTED OTHER BONES?! I'M SO SORRY FOR YOUR INCONVENIENCE!"
Spike decided to stay right there, not looking into the crater.
------{STATIC}------
"Can we go back to the exploding pony? At least she didn't give me bulimia nervosa and break my everything," Twilight whined as they approached the town hall, covered in various bandages and casts with her assistant pushing her along in a wheelchair.
"I'll admit, this has been way harder than I thought it would be...on you...but we're getting near the end of the list, and the hospital will have that healing crystal charged for you in an hour or two. Plus, we're checking on decorations next! How dangerous could a decorator pony be?" he reasoned as he pushed her inside.
"Spike, I'm just about convinced that you saying everything is going to be okay is having some weird quantum observer effect on reality and ensuring that everything turns out not okay, so stop trying to reassure me and leave me to at least be cynical enough to see it coming!"
...
"Spike?" Twilight looked behind her to see Spike staring wide eyed at something on the other end of the room, following his enraptured gaze to a white coated unicorn mare with a stylish blue mane and tail fussing over various bows and ribbons.
"She's...so beautiful," Spike said whilst hearts appeared around his head.
"Okay cut that out right now young dragon, you are far too young and...dragony to be looking at a mare that way!" she scolded after looking back at him again.
"There, perfect!" the white unicorn chirped in satisfaction before turning to the two visitors. "Can I help you with someth-waaahaha!" she cried out, recoiling at the sight of the purple mare in such unbecoming white gauze. "What happened to you?!"
"It's a long story that I'd rather not recount right now. So how soon can we expect the decorations to-ack!" A blue magic aura took hold of her wheelchair handles and turned her around before hurrying her out the door toward a nearby boutique. "What are you doing?!"
"Rescuing you from looking hideous darling!"
------{STATIC}------
"Um, this looks nice I guess, but why did you take off my casts and bandages...and put makeup on my bruises?" Twilight asked uneasily as she floated in front of a full length mirror.
"Do I even need to explain how they would clash with this saddle? My goodness, for a pony with such delightful color composition you are frightfully lacking in a good fashion sense. Fortunately for you, you ran into me!" Rarity answered cheerfully as she secured the last strap of the outfit then nodded in approval before lowering Twilight to the ground. "There, magnifique! Now, what were you trying to say earlier darling?"
"I was trying to-" the magical aura vanished as Twilight's hooves touched the ground and she let out a piteous cry of pain as her broken legs immediately buckled under the weight. "AAAAAAAH FOR BUCK'S SAKE WHYYYYY?!"
"You know what? I was wrong, emeralds are not in season at all. I'll go find you some rubies!" Rarity said before galloping off to her workshop.
"SPIKE, FOR LOVE OF GODDESS, DRAG ME OUT OF HERE OR SOMETHING!" Twilight begged as her benevolent tormentor dashed out of sight.
"I have never liked watching a mare walk away more than I do right now. Those...diamonds," Spike rambled as though in a trance as his eyes sparkled in wonderment.
"FINE THEN, BLOWIN' THE DAILY!" She closed her eyes, straining as a particularly bright aura emanated from her horn, gathering intensity until at last she, her dragon, and every nearby loose object disappeared and blinked back into existence on the other end of town in the emergency room of the local hospital thanks to her Teleport All spell.
------{STATIC}------
"Aaaah, it's good to be able to walk again!" She had an extra bounce in her step now, even letting Spike have a ride on her back as they made their way to their last mandated stop of the day. "Those healing crystals are amazing!"
"Yeah, and I'm sure that terminally ill mother of three will last another week while they recharge it," Spike added cheerfully.
"Well when she is also an incredibly gifted ubermarensch student of Princess Celestia like myself, then she can get first dibs on vital medical care too. Now keep an eye out for that mare in charge of the choir."
They continued along the path outside of town until reaching an intersection that surrounded a central raised patch of grass with a single tree. There, a yellow coated pegasus with a long pink mane and tale was conducting a small flock of songbirds who, aside from one particularly out of tune blue jay, were united in a wonderful melody.
"Oh, um, excuse me, sir? I don't mean to be nit picky or offensive or distracting or irritating or needy or inconvenient or overly critical, but you're just a tiny bit off in-"
"Birds?! The leader of all Equestria is coming and your choir is just a bunch of filthy birds?!" Twilight shouted in exasperation after taking in the sight.
The pegasus squeaked in terror before whirling around and spraying the purple unicorn in the face with a can of pepper spray, the dragon on her back managing to jump off just in time to avoid it. Twilight immediately screamed in agony and collapsed to the ground, clutching at her eyes as her back legs kicked about. "Oh my goodness I'm so sorry I thought you were one of those creepy stalker ponies I keep selectively reading about at the exclusion of all other news articles!" the pegasus mare gushed in apology after dropping the spray can.
"THIS IS WHAT I WANTED TO DO TO PONIES?! AAAAAUGH I FEEL LIKE I DESERVE THIS NOW!" Twilight cried out in an oddly timed moment of empathy and self clarity whilst writhing in the dirt.
------{STATIC}------
"I think...I think I can see now," she said shakily, blinking her bloodshot and glistening eyes after having spent a good half hour getting help from Spike to wash her eyes out with the water hose outside of the local library.
"Good, had me worried there for a sec'." He dropped the hose then turned the nearby valve shut and helped her back to her hooves. "Don't be too mad at Fluttershy, she's really not so bad, just shy and a bit high strung about...well, everything."
"Yeah that'll really help me feel better if I have permanent vision defects because of this," she replied sarcastically as they walked into the pitch black dark of the library. "That was an ordeal. The faster we get things handled and get the buck out of here the faster we can start petitioning to have this entire place leveled and replaced with...I don't know a parking lot? Shopping mall? Anything else would probably either not hurt me at all or at least kill me quickly so I don't suffer so much, and the world would be rid of a bunch of overly attached ponies that are absolutely insane. Now did I go blind or did you just not hit the light switch yet Spike?"
The light flipped on and Twilight Sparkle was suddenly looking at a crowd of ponies that had been there in the darkness the entire time, now glaring at her with severe disapproval. Twilight went wide eyed and started silently backing away toward the door, only to be cut off from escape by a familiar pink pony popping up out of nowhere.
"SURPRIIIIIIISE!" she shouted before throwing confetti and blowing a party horn. Twilight backed away much more quickly now, mouth hanging open aghast at the sight.
"Didn't you EXPLODE?!" the unicorn asked in complete shock.
"Yeah I do that sometimes!"
------{STATIC}------
"And now you have friends!" Pinkie Pie concluded her ramble as Twilight reached the base of the stairs, having honestly not been listening to a single word of that long winded outpouring of consciousness.
"Sounds like ya'll just had a bad day sugarcube, ah been there plenty mahself so I know how ya feel," Applejack said sympathetically. "Yah didn't really act all that friendly though..."
"She barfed on me!" Rainbow Dash added as the only point she felt she needed to make.
"She didn't let me finish her outfit properly and it's been bothering me all day!" Rarity pouted.
"I um...I don't mean to be rude or anything, or hurt anypony's feelings, or impose on anypony, but um...well, if it's okay with you, my birds would really like an apology for you calling them dirty...and um, implying they were unworthy of royalty," Fluttershy managed to squeak out from her place hiding beneath her own mane.
...
"What a bitch!" some random unseen pony in the audience remarked.
"Lots of friends!" Pinkie Pie repeated obliviously.
"You know what? You can all just buck off and kiss the sparkliest part of my ass! If you had any idea what I was trying to save you from you would all bow down to kiss my bucking hooves and like it! Not even the princess is trying to do what I'm trying to do! So here I am trying to save the entire world all by myself, and all you ponies can do is constantly get in my bucking way and act all creepy and intrusive then expect me to act grateful?! I don't want a bucking thing to do with any of you! So just leave me the hay alone and let me save your lowly undeserving asses so I can go back home and then we'll never have to put up with each other again!" Twilight snarled angrily, pausing for a few moments to catch her breath before turning and storming up the stairs.
------{STATIC}------
"WHY...ARE THEY STILL...HERE?" Twilight seethed as she again attempted to drown out the music below by covering her ears with a pair of pillows. Her search for knowledge after having escaped upstairs had been fruitless, all the books in the library were completely out of order, she couldn't find anything in the slightest!
Spike then made things even better by bursting through the door wearing a lampshade on his head and holding a cup of something as he staggered into the room. "Twilight! Oh my god Twilight! You have to...you have to come down stairs! It's...SO awesome! Like the...awesomest! I've been talking with Rarity like...all night and stuff, and I think she is waaaaaaay into me!"
------{STATIC}------
Rarity sighed in irritation as she tossed away yet another napkin on which Spike had drawn a heart and written her name inside of it.
"Heh, ah think ya got a new suitor there Rarity," Applejack teased.
"Oh really? Thank goodness you were here to notice Applejack, because as you know, I am just a complete stranger to the revolting and frankly insulting attention of a lesser male," Rarity replied with a roll of her eyes.
------{STATIC}------
"Plus Applejack brought over this...also awesome stuff!" he slurred further while holding up his glass and hiccuping. "I am...I am so wasted right now you don't even know!" Spike promptly lost what remaining balance he had and hit the floor with a second hiccup. Twilight raised an eyebrow then jumped out of bed, trotted over, and sniffed the glass in his claw before her curious look reverted to a blank stare.
"Spike this is plain apple cider."
"You're plain apple cider!" he shot back in a cunning display of unparalleled wit.
------{STATIC}------
"Hey remember that time you were like 'hi' and then I exploded?!" Pinkie Pie babbled away whilst Twilight stood amongst the crowd gathered to greet Princess Celestia and the coming of the dawn.
"Yes. I remember. In great detail. In fact I'm going to need therapy before I stop constantly remembering it," Twilight grumbled as she looked around nervously. The appointed hour of the world's doom was approaching and she was the only pony yet to worry even the slightest bit about it. She released a slow exhalation to try and calm her nerves. "You know what...maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I am seeing connections where there aren't any and stressing myself out to the point of insulting an entire town for no good reason. Perhaps the best course of action is to let go and just enjoy the rest of the holiday...if at all possible."
She happened to glance out at the window at just the right moment to see four stars twinkle and then move behind the moon before the pattern of craters forming the shape of a menacing pony head vanished.
"That's probably fine," she said to herself wide eyed before the mayor appeared onstage to kick things off.
"Fillies and gentlecolts, as mayor of Ponyville, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the Summer Sun Celebration!" The assembled ponies responded with an enthusiastic cheer. "In just a few moments, our town will witness the magic of the sunrise, and celebrate this, the longest day of the year! And now, it is my great honor to introduce to you the ruler of our land, the very pony who gives us the sun and the moon each and every day, the good, the wise, the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria..." Fluttershy's birds began chirping their song of greeting. "...Princess Celestia!"
Rarity opened the curtain to display nothing but an overwhelmingly severe lack of princess, a sight which prompted to crowd to give a collective gasp of alarm. She trotted past the curtains back stage, only to return moments later with a worried expression on her face. "She's gone!"
At that moment on the main stage, a blue haze started to gather and then darken. A chill filled the room as tiny points of light blinked into being in the growing mass. Within, a silhouette of pure black took shape, forming into a towering alicorn whose bat-like wings then spread open, parting the veil to reveal the terrifying form of an evil mare of darkness clad in dark blue armor, the mane surrounding her a field of stars both magnificent and terrifying. What had started as a chill quickly progressed to an icy grip around every present heart as the nightmare creature before them spoke.
"Oh, my beloved subjects. It's been so long since I've seen your precious, little sun-loving faces."
...
"YEAH! WHO CALLED IT?! WHO BUCKING CALLED IT?!" Twilight whooped with vindicated joy while rearing up on her hind legs and pointing at herself.
------{TO BE CONTINUED}------
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Now this is the kind of comedy I like!
Nice job, keep it up. Calling it a commentary is kind of laughable, though.
5825064
That was the original intent of the episode blogs but they sidetracked into this after a while, so yeah, I suppose calling it a commentary anymore is a bit of an outright falsehood at this point. It has been changed accordingly.
5825087
I look forward to the rest.
Nicely done that first chapter definitely grabbed my interest and got a few chuckles, I look forward to seeing how long you can drag this Friendship is Witchcraft type idea out.