Well.
This is a thing.
*sigh*
Quick list of criticism:
-Show, don't tell
-Play it safe on your first fic/chapter. Write what you're comfortable with.
-GRAMMAR. Even if you don't have a proofreader, read your story to yourself at least once or twice before uploading.

I didn't mean to sound to scolding there. I understand this may be your first writing attempt ever. I get it. But that doesn't give you any excuse for crapping out shitty fics. (Not this one of course, there's much worse out here.) Just keep that in mind, alright?

One fledgling author to another,
~ Wywint

hey no problem i am always open to constructive critisism and that was definitely constructive. and your right this is my first fic im hoping to be able to grow and refine my style as i go this is going to be the first in what i hope will be a long line of fics

Fix your story description, and capitalize both your story title and your chapter title.

I think that this first chapter is VERY creative! I was captivated by the contents of the storyline and look forward to reading the next chapter! Good job & keep writting!