"M-M-MALTY IS A PRINCE?!" the Crusaders shout at once. What are they yelling about?
"WHOA! YOU! HOW?! WHAT?! HUH?!" Rainbow Dash babbled, not making any sense. What exactly is every pony making such a big scene about?
Suddenly seeing Twilight finally I wave to her, her eyes widening, and one eye twitching. "HUH?! You're a PRINCE?!" Why is every pony saying that suddenly? I sign to her that I have no clue what she is talking about. "What? Look in a mirror! Look there!" Twilight requested. Looking behind myself I saw a tinted glass that showed my reflection. Ah, So that's why every pony was freaking out. I have a horn, and wings now. Wait. What? Suddenly words start flowing into my head, my mind must be forcing myself to define and explain myself the situation using the books I "adapted" to. Alicorn, only few in existence, immortal, almost ageless, and the most powerful form a pony can possess. A sign of royalty. As the words finish explaining I suddenly hear screaming and shouting.
"He grew wings! He really is a monster! Run!" A pony in the crowd that formed in front of my face had shouted. "But didn't Princess Twilight grow wings?" Another had asked. The crowd began to talk all at once standing before me. "He can't possibly be a pony, could he? He isn't like us..." Feeling the weight of their words my eyes feel heavy as my neck begins to sink. Twilight running to my aid had held my shoulder and before I knew it the two of us were at her home once more. Looking around I saw nopony else, it was just us two. Feeling distraught I laid on the floor not wanting to move. It was bad enough that the local ponies were gossiping about me, but now they are fully convinced that I am a monster.
"We need to get you to Princess Luna & Princess Celestia, Spike take a letter!" Twilight had commanded, speaking to Spike, almost instantly the dragon wrote, lit the letter, and then belched a new one. Such strange magic. I wonder if I can learn it. But then again I have no mouth... Or do I? I did eat that apple somehow. As Twilight opened the letter a flash of light blinded me, possibly them too. By the time my eyesight came to, I was in an unfamiliar place with Twilight who was now wearing a crown of some sort & Spike, in front of a purple Alicorn and a white Alicorn. "Princess Celestia & Princess Luna, this is Tumult, he has a strange ability to absorb books, and inherit knowledge, some books have even changed his body," Twilight began to explain to them ,"He was originally an Earth Pony, however due to him absorbing, or as he calls it 'adapting' to a book of simple magic, he grew a horn. He was incapable of writing, and understanding us until he 'adapted' to certain dictionaries. After just now adapting to a book about flying, written by Rainbow Dash which was meant for a flightless filly Pegasus, he had grown wings. Although I have yet to see it, we had heard he also had transformed into a dragon pony of some kind to defend 3 little fillies from Timber-wolves."
The white one, I am assuming is Celestia began to get off her throne and walk towards me, her gaze looking intense. "You are quite the anomaly... What was your name young stallion?" Celestia had confronted me. I had stated that my name was Tumult, “Tumult... Twilight Sparkle, call Discord." Twilight looked at Celestia with uncertainty, but nonetheless began to make her horn and crown glow. With a big flash of light a creature that I had never seen before appeared before me. The creature 'Discord' began dancing about hugging every guard and Princess he saw, and patted Spike on the head. He began making fun of my face, when he saw me until Celestia got his attention. "Discord, I will ask you this once and only once, did you bring this stallion here?" Celestia asked angrily.
"Why now why would it be ME?! I have never seen this face in my life! And I don't quite enjoy being blamed for something I didn't do!" Discord argued back. Celestia however was not convinced, she stated that my name was a synonym for Discord, and that it was too much of a coincidence. Twilight then explained why I chose my own name, Celestia still didn't seem convinced. Discord however began to chip in his own thoughts, “Well looky here, I'm telling the truth, and you don't believe me, I suppose we are at an impasse." Celestia had looked angrily at Discord, yet Discord still didn't back down. Discord must be some sort of even plain to be able to stand up to a princess the way he is. Discord then stated, "Alright I'll tell you what! I'll try to peer into his head and see what is up." Celestia agreed, and Discord pulled out a chainsaw, I began to run, but I was already tied to a 2 ton dumbbell I had not been chained to before. Celestia calling out to Discord to stop playing around Discord tapped a single lion paw onto my forehead. Feeling myself becoming lost in my own conscious Discord suddenly lets go of me. "Oh my," He stated, “This is rather more serious than I thought it would be, this stallion here. His whole body is emanating with some sort of chaos magic, just like me. His powers feel more restricted than mine though." Celestia and Luna began to look at each other in concern, but Discord wasn't finished talking ,"The only thing I found very odd though is that I couldn't see into his memories, his heart is locked away, somepony must have locked it, buried the key, then built a house on top of the key and moved in. As my dear FRIEND Pinkie Pie would say. But I can tell you one thing, he is no normal Alicorn. He merely has the body parts of a unicorn and Pegasus. Unlike you princesses that have all that magical Alicorn power, he simply seems to have the flight of a Pegasus and the normal magic of a unicorn. "
Princess Celestia, Discord, Princess Luna, and Twilight began to talk amongst each other. I was left out of the conversation though I was the topic, so naturally I felt left out. Looking to my side I saw Spike who was reading another comic book, "What?" Spike asked looking at me in confusion, "Ah this always happens, so I bring a lot of comics so that I don't get bored. They'll probably just dissect you or something to get to your heart, and find out about you," Spike suggested. I felt uneasy, I could have gone without hearing that. WHY did he tell me that?! Spike then pushed a comic to my face, "Here, you can read it just don't make it disappear like the other one. “I look at the comic book and read the title 'Ponypool kills the multiverse.' "You see this hero is an Anti-hero, people love them! They are heroes that do heroic deeds in non-heroic ways! In this issue he kills all the super heroes and villains because he thinks he can finally die if there is no one else alive. He has this healing factor thing that lets him survive anything! He can even survive death!" I began to read the comic, and I got to say I enjoyed it, though it seemed rather... Dark.
Suddenly a flash of light appeared and another Alicorn was brought, "Princess Cadence is now present!" The pink Alicorn stated with a smile, walking towards to Twilight. They do some sort of weird dance, and begin talking. After a while Princess Cadence walks towards me," I hear you have some problems? My name Is Cadence, you must be Tumult. That's a lovely scarf you have there," the princess began to make small talk with me, she was probably trying to get me to feel more comfortable, which was a nice change of pace. "I'm going to do a little spell that will allow us to find out who you are okay?" Princess Cadence stated. I nodded my head in agreement, and he horn began to glow a pink heart of magic suddenly formed and it floated until it touched the tip of my horn. I began to hear a voice.
Before I knew it I was saw a door, through the door's keyhole I can see a glimpse of images, but I can't see what is really going on. Suddenly the heart shaped magic appeared, as it touched the door, the door burst open. I had suddenly covered my face. No. I don't want to see it. I think I know something, my mind doesn't know it, but my body is telling me not to look. No. GO AWAY! My eyes turning away from the door I see a sentenced formed across some sort of screen.
"You knew I loved her right?"
Turning away from the door I crouch and hold myself feeling as though I'm in a nightmare. Before I know it I start hearing voices echo, “Cadence! He is in pain! Stop!" That's Twilight's voice! I find myself on the floor, yet again for how many times in a week? I don't know why, but I feel maybe the floors are in love with me, which is why I find myself on it so often. The floor was very wet. Cadence began rubbing my face with a napkin and apologized to me. Twilight began explaining, “At first you were just staring into space, then you looked like you were scared of something, after that you just laid there on the floor shaking like a leaf, begging for something to go away." Cadence apologized once more, Celestia had suddenly appeared before me, apologizing as well.
"Perhaps you aren't quite ready to face whatever lies beyond that door. We shouldn't force it, and I truly apologize for it. Anyhow with those wings and that horn all we can really do is make up a story, saying you are some sort of prodigy and that you had become a prince. That way you won't be seen as a monster" Looking at Celestia, I look back at Twilight, who explained to me that she had told Celestia about the gossip that was spreading around Ponyville. "It's the only real way to explain the wings and horn, unless of course you can hide it? After all you have to live with that body, and who knows what others may think," Celestia explains.
Hours pass and I find myself inside a guest room of the Canterlot castle. Twilight being next door to me, had suddenly come in, most likely to talk about what is going to happen. "So how do you like your room?" She asks. I state that it's much better than the hospital bed's room. "Are you excited to become a Prince tomorrow? All my friends are coming to congratulate you," Twilight says. I sign to her that I feel that I may have cheated in becoming a prince, and am undeserving of the title, Twilight then explained, “Well maybe someday you will earn the title, then you won't feel so bad about it. You aren't really a prince, you are just, pretending so that the others won't hate you." Twilight is right I suppose. Suddenly I noticed something Twilight was looking at me a lot, then at something else, then back at me. I ask her if she had a question, due to Twilight's shocked face I assume I was correct and ask her to tell me the question. Twilight then asked, “What was it like, when Cadence put you under that spell?" Gathering my thoughts I prepare to tell her.
"It felt... as though my heart was being torn apart over and over again. As if my heart was just one big object that can be torn so much, yet still be torn no matter how little or weak it got," I explain. Twilight looked sad and leaned into me with a hug. I don't know why, but suddenly I felt something in my chest hurt. Her kindness was hurting me, yet I didn't mind. It was nothing compared to the pain I felt in that. Heart of mine. Feeling my face getting wet I looked up at the ceiling to check the leaking roof, but there was no hole to be found. Touching my face I see that I have indeed shed a tear or two. This wet hoof of mine shows my first ever memories of shedding tears, which are only shed during happiness or sadness. So why do I feel like i'm feeling both?
Greetings and welcome to one of our reviews. I am Simon o’Sullivan, and this is my beard, appropriately called Beard. Here are our thoughts on your story.
As I read through the story, there’s a big problem that goes on through the whole thing, and that’s the formatting. While the fic itself isn’t a wall of text, it’s really close to it. Without the double spacing separating the paragraphs, the chapters are wonky and look huge. Related to formatting, there’s also the issue regarding dialogue. One speaker per paragraph. New speaker, new paragraph. It’s a universal truth, and in the very first chapter you have a clusterfrick where at least two characters talk.
Punctuation is one of your greater issues, at least when it comes to commas. And the overuse of ellipses, and I think that word doesn’t even begin to express how often you use them. They are everywhere! They seem to be on sale on the grammar mall, because there are dozens of them. The thing is, most of the time, they are not needed. An ellipsis is often used in dialogues to a character has trailed off for whatever reason, be it lost in his own thoughts, distracted, speaking while catching his breath, you name it. They aren’t usually accepted in narration, but first person narration when the story’s taking place as is being told is that exception. And even then, they are overused beyond the tolerable. Punctuation seems to be an issue, and I would recommend an editor for that. A few examples:
You’re missing the vocative comma, right after “place”. It’s the comma used when you want to get someone’s attention. It’s why you say “Hello, Twilight” or “Come here, Spike.” Make sure you have a proofreader/editor read through those or do it yourself to fix those.
By all that is holy, I beg you to just use commas there.
There’s a missing comma before indeed. That way, it’s used to emphasize that It’s added to underline his statement.
Another huge problem with the story is the main character, Tumult. The story is obviously written in first person, so we see what he sees and we know what he know. That’s the rule. We have a limited perspective through his eyes. We won’t know if Celestia and Luna are holding a limbo competition with the Royal Guards in Canterlot if Tumult is not there when it happens. With that said, there are certain issues I had with this guy and his selective memory. I am going to hold my punches when it comes to Mary Sue-ism, but I will point at the elephant in the room later.
Tumult has no idea about anything at all. As a person who has studied several languages throughout his life, I can assure you that Tumult would have no idea what they’re saying, and neither would the readers, which is the important part. What Twilight and the others say will sound like unintelligible gibberish to him, which is what you her when someone speaks to you in a language you have never studied before. However, we don’t feel his lack of knowledge because we know what’s going on. What we get is not sympathy about his state, but eagerness for this guy to please learn to be less useless. It feels like going through the tutorial of the 10th Legend of Zelda game you play in your life: you have mastered the seldom-changing controls, but you’re still forced to sit down and patiently wait for the unskippable tutorial to finish.
Another main issue Tumult has for me is his short-term memory when it comes to what he learns via adapting, as well as how much he repeats itself. Beginning with the latter, how many times do we need to hear him think about how common or uncommon sign language is? We also see him reiterating how he doesn’t have emotions during the first chapter (even when he clearly shows guilt when he storms to save the CMC when he specifically claimed “if will be my fault if they die”), and then he repeats to himself how the truly has emotions when he finds out a new one.
One of the biggest eye-twitching moments comes from when he suddenly learns he can speak by covering his mouth with the scarf. I am totally okay with that, because hey, that cuts us the annoyance of sign language and people looking weird at him and forcing the story longer by finding an interpreter. But, and here’s my eye-twitching moment, he only uses that skill twice. One to tell the CMC to run, and the other when he explains to Twilight what happened in the forest. My question is: why in the world does he use sign language in Canterlot when talking to Celestia, when it’s more than clear that speaking is much more convenient and allows him to be understood by everyone who speaks Equestrian there?
There’s also a problem of disbelief about the guy when it comes to not knowing the name of stuff, especially since the first book he absorbs is a dictionary. And yet, in the first paragraph of chapter 2, he is unable to even say that light hitting him in the face is from the Sun, among other things.
And this is an important issue to address because Tumult is the main character AND the narrator, so if he’s screwed up in any way, if splashes all over the story. First person limited PoV narration combined with a clunky style of writing makes the story hard to read, and there are so many issues not only when it comes to grammar, but also with the way you introduce things. There’s no way in the Nine Realms the “____” that appears in the lines when the race of whatever Tumult is mentioned is a viable way to do so. The telliness of it hits way too hard and kicks you out of the story. If you want to keep his original race a mystery, there are better ways that putting gaps in dialogue. You can make the speech in such ways that the mention of their race is not something that happens at all. There are better ways to have the girls speak and he not understanding. Have them speak gibberish to his ears while their body language kind of gives away the very basic. Because even friggin Tarzan of the Apes points at himself and says “Tarzan”, and after a few moments, he points at the woman who has previously introduced herself to him and says “Jane.” He might know that Twilight is introducing the girls to him, but because he has no idea of Equestrian basic structure, he might not get their names at all.
And now, the elephant in the bedroom; the Mary Sue effect. Just let it be clear right now that it’s made official. Given enough time, and as long as it’s written down in any way (printed, hoof written, and probably stone or wooden carvings), he can learn and do anything. It took him four chapters to become an alicorn (about that, no, teleportation is NOT a basic spell, seeing how only the most powerful unicorn/alicorn have been seen using it, and believe me when I say the idea of being able to do that is so awesome that I would be surprised they wouldn’t be overusing it), and temporarily become a dragon. Truth be told, defeating Timberwolves, the Putties of Equestria, has been proven to not be that much of a hard thing, but the overkill was the reason the alarms sounded so loud it was deafening. He can learn ANYTHING, and apparently, transform into ANYTHING as long as there’s a book written about whatever he wants to learn or the thing he might be able to transform into, and he has “cleared the path” reading the basic stuff before going to the most advanced material there is. Think for a moment, as the author and creator of Tumult, about the problems regarding that. He only read basic books regarding magic, flying and dragons, and look what he can do already. And no, the “he’s super powerful but he holds back” is not an anti-Sue charm, neither is the limit of books he can absorb per day. It’s just postponing the inevitable.
I honestly don’t know where you’re going with the story, because at the moment there’s not really that much here when it comes to self-discovery, and the little that was got blocked by… “I don’t know what it is, because my brain doesn’t know, but my body does,” which I think you should double-check just in case. After about 20 pages of story, there doesn’t seem to be a clear pattern of what’s going on and what will happen.
Don’t let my words discourage you, though; keep on writing and keep up the good work. You might even prove me wrong and make this awesome.
Simon o’Sullivan and Beard, WRITE’s Manly Reviewers of Manly Fics, signing out.
5886443 Though I find your review bad for the faint of heart, I really do appreciate the honest opinion. A lot of the grammar I admit for sure that I do indeed make tons of mistakes in, and you make plenty of good points. My one question is just how did you find my story? I'm just utterly confused on how so? I only ask so that I know what works, so that I can get more reviews to write better, in the future.