Tumult

by Shattered Heart

Chapter 1: Who, what, why? The Mysterious Stallion

"This way! I found him! No. I don't know where he came from. I just saw lightning and saw somepony was where the lightning stroked and I just found. him. her? Hold on... YAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! IT DOESN'T HAVE A FACE! I'M NOT KIDDING! LOOK! It’s hard. Like steel or concrete or something. Alright. I'm calm. I’m calm. Hold on. I'll check. I don't want to do it either, but we have to make sure! It's a male! We need to get him out of this rainstorm! Rainbow, can't you cancel the storm? No? Alright then, let’s take him to your place, Fluttershy! Is that okay? Alright, then it’s settled!"
*thud*

Slowly vision fills my eyes, my body laying against a wall I see a group of 6 beings in front of me. A purple one... an orange one... a yellow one... a white one... a blue one... and a pink one... wait... there is another being that just walked in... One unlike the others... another purple one. "I think he is awake... Hello there... are you awake?" the purple one asks... I blink to allow my vision to clear. A horn & wings unlike the others who have one, the other, or neither, but this one has both. "Do you understand my questions?" the purple one looks with a face I don't understand... I don't understand any of their faces,I begin to stare at her, I don't really understand her, but I feel as though this is right. "Okay? What is your name?" I do not know how to answer, I stare at her more.

"Uhhhhh I think he's broken. Maybe he needs a new... brain or something?" The blue one states, staring nearly face to face with me. I focus my attention on her, then some pony else.

The yellow one shouted at the blue one,"Rainbow Dash! You are being rude!" All of them speak odd, I can't understand their words, almost as if they are just babbling random noises.

"You must be scared to be in a home you don't know surrounded by strangers," the yellow one states. I look at all the ponies staring at me. " Are you a pony?" I look around the room, seeing a mirror I see an 8th being. A creature who looks nothing like the others, I point at it only to be pointed at back. Staring down the 8th pony I come to realize, that is me. I think. The blue one questions whether my brain works yet again. I seem to be able to grasp what they say... but I can't understand what they say.

"Excuse me sir? But we'd like to introduce ourselves. I'm Princess Twilight Sparkle, this is my assistant Spike the dragon, starting left to right that is Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy. Would you mind introducing yourself?" Unsure on how to answer I look down at my hooves. They look odd. Too clean. Very much too clean. The white one holds my hooves stating speaking in gibberish. I look at the mirror again and stare at it. "Can you at least tell us what your cutie mark represents? It looks really interesting!" the purple one says. I look to where she points, then back at her. What does she want? "I have never seen a cutie mark like that before." the purple one stated.

I look and see, something in my mind said ,"He who adapts, a road showing your adventures to be had, forks in the roads to show the limitless possibilities, yet unfinished roads to show that no path is right nor wrong, yet all paths are accessible. The cutie mark itself was completely black. I turn to look at Princess, but do not speak.

"Maybe the poor dear simply cannot speak, he doesn't seem to have a mouth after all darling," the white one said. I felt around my face with my hoof, my face had a strong yet flat texture, I rub the white mares face to compare, but the white mare turned red. Suddenly voices in my head echoed, something was telling me that there was some sort of bad feeling. I look to where its source is, and see the small purple one that looks different than the other 6 staring at me, which suddenly signaled me to stop.

"Oh! I have a book of sign language! I wanted to use it to teach my monkey friends to speak to me more fluently, but I’m sure he could talk without a mouth if I lent him this he might be able to learn enough to talk!" the yellow one states, taking a book from a shelf and giving it to me. I stare at the book for a while then look back at the others. They stared at me, so much I feel as though their looks pierce right through me. I open the book and look through the pages. I don't understand what they want from me. This thing they gave me looks odd. There are some sort of drawings in a straight line. "Oh my... How inconsiderate of me. what if he can't read?" I slowly stand up, only to collapse landing on my face, the worried looks of the ponies as they gather around me make me feel somehow happy however. I go up to the bookshelf and see a book that seems to almost glow to me.

"Adapt." A voice echoes into my head. Maybe it's my own voice. "Choose that road, and adapt." I pick up the book, the purple one questions what I am doing... calling this book a 'dictionary'. Opening the book I am suddenly blinded by a bright light, yet somehow while blinded by this light I am able to see. When the light fades, the dictionary is no longer in my hooves. "A new road has been traveled. Many more roads are now possible" the voice echoes in my head. This time the 'sign' book that the yellow one had presented to me began to glow. Before I could touch it again, I heard the other ponies talking. Wait. I can understand them now. They say my eyes glow and that the book disappeared turning to dust as the dust entered my head. I pick up the sign language book and the process repeats. "A new road has been traveled. Many more roads are now possible," the voice echoes. Now having the attention of everypony again I feel as though I can converse with them.

I wave my hooves signing, “Hello." The yellow one seems the most pleased, but the purple one seems to understand me as well. They talk amongst themselves. Saying its suspicious... that I am suspicious. I get up to stand once more, but fall yet again. Learning from my past fall, I landed on my shoulder instead of my face. I am sat back up by the yellow one, "Thank you." I sign, "Sorry about your books."

The yellow one signing, “It’s alright, are you okay? Can you tell us anything about yourself? Do you have a name?" I sign to her that I have no memories. I have nothing I can say that could possibly help. She explains to the other ponies, they begin to decide about names that I can use. Mysterylicious the purple one suggests, Bullet the blue one suggests, Cameo the orange one states, Dragoon the little purple one suggests, Jizo the yellow one suggests, Quartz the white one suggests, Cream Pie the Pink one suggests, the others all yell no to her. I don't understand why. Her name is Pinkie Pie. Yet I am white. So does it not make sense to call I, whose coat and mane's color similarly matches cream to be called Cream? Maybe they don't want me being a Pie? I am not sure.

Suddenly I see another shining book, the ponies still talking loudly over what to name me. I do not care, but I care for this shining book for some reason. I grab the book and read the title, “All the names of the world & their meaning" my eyes shine. "A new road has been traveled, many more roads are now available." I find another shining book about calligraphy, surely I would need this to learn to write. The words repeat yet again in my head, “A new road has been traveled, many more roads are now available." The mares still arguing I attempt to write, however with no mouth I find it difficult to write with these hooves. Suddenly I see a new shining book "Book of simple Magic Spells" yet again the process repeats for the final time for tonight. After 'adapting' I feel tired. I suppose 'adapting' 5 times a day is my limit. Using magic I write on a note and present it to the girls.

"YAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!" The purple one named Princess talked loudly yet again, "H-h-h-h-e- HE GREW A HORN! HE DIDN'T HAVE THAT MOMENTS AGO!" The ponies and dragon surround me, talking nonstop. Confused as to how this has happened, and who I am. I present to them my letter. Princess reads my letter out loud "As of today I name myself... are you sure?" I nod my head, as she continues to read," I name myself, Tumult." The blue pony states the name sounds lame. But I do not care, I chose this name. Suddenly I fall to the floor. Adapting is so tiresome... I close my eyes and await, whatever awaits me.

Author's Note:

This is my very first original story that has ever been seriously written! Please do like or dislike, but if you do either please do let me know what you enjoyed or what you didn't like! Ever bit of information makes me a better writer!

Don't worry! There is a reason for the way he thinks! In case its not noticeable he can not read facial expressions. If I mistakenly wrote that he could, I will correct it.

Comments

[Primordial]

Hello!
Friendly Neighborhood Critic here!
I'd like to break down your first chapter for you.

Let's see...let's do the first paragraph:

First Paragraph
"This way! I found him! No... I don't know where he came from. I just saw lightning and saw somepony was where the lightning stroked and I just found... him...her? Hold on... YAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! IT DOESN'T HAVE A FACE! I'M NOT KIDDING! LOOK! It’s... hard... like steel or concrete or something... Alright... I'm calm... I’m calm... Hold on. I'll check... I don't want to do it either, but we have to make sure! It's a male! We need to get him out of this rainstorm! Rainbow, can't you cancel the storm? No? Alright then, let’s take him to your place Fluttershy! Is that okay? Alright, then it’s settled!"
*thud*

Grammar:
-Replace 'stroked' with stroke.

Suggestions:
-I can see what you're trying to do, it's not bad. But there's always room for improvement.
-Try to tell the story, explain what going on. Instead I'm getting the feeling that this is somewhat like 'Blind Dialogue'. We see what's being said, but we don't know who's saying it or who they're speaking to.
-It's hard to put a face to the voice that's fluctuating so many emotions at once.
-Try to set the setting first: Include things like it's raining in the background or that it's at night.
-Add verbs to this block of dialogue:

Example: The stranger looks closely at the stallion lying on the floor,"Hold on..." She focuses her gaze through the dark night. A flash of bright lightning danced across the sky and exposed the wounded stallion, face to face. She shrieks in terror when she realizes something odd about this pony, "YAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! IT DOESN'T HAVE A FACE! I'M NOT KIDDING! LOOK!" She continues to examine the curious creature. She takes a deep breath and scientifically analyzes it to the best of her logic, "It’s... hard... like steel or concrete or something..." She takes a final deep breath, and steadies her heart beat.,"Alright... I'm calm... I’m calm..."

-At the same time that this dialogue is being said, include other character's voices. If you don't want the others to speak yet just simply say that their talking was muffled, or that they shook their head in disagreement. Something to let us know that the one who is speaking is not alone and talking to herself...

I hope this critique was not too harsh, as I was not trying to be. I hope you will understand my suggestions and will take them to heart.

I wish you in the best of luck in your next edits and chapters!

Happy writing!