A Man out of Place

by Thanatoaster

Chapter 2: First Contact

* * *

I woke from a deep, deathlike sleep to the sound of beeping. I hesitated when I realized this beeping wasn't coming from an alarm. It was quieter, more rhythmic. Like the sound of a heart monitor. I tried to move my arms, but they were sluggish and unresponsive. I opened my eyes and was met with a world of gauze. When I tried to sit up, a feminine hand pressed against my shoulder, guiding me with gentle firmness back to a reclined position.

"Don't try to move yet," came a woman's voice from my left, opposite the hand. "You've been in an accident. You're in the hospital."

"I am?" I tried to remember everything I could from the day before and what might've led to my current state. Boring breakfast, boring to-do list, chickened out of talking to a pretty girl again... and that wind chime sound, followed by that dream about the angel. I tried to guess which hospital I was at. Not the one downtown, I hope. It'll take forever to get home if I have to call a cab.

"Yes, you are," the voice replied in a soothing but clinical tone. "You've got lacerations on most of your limbs, bruised ribs, compound skull fracture... you won't be moving around for a while."

"Why are there bandages over my eyes?" My voice cracked from the dryness of my throat. The hand left my shoulder and a cup of water met my lips. Either I was thirstier than I thought or the tapwater at this hospital was drugged with something; it tasted as fresh and cool as newly fallen snow.

After a moment, another voice on my right said, "Concussions can sometimes cause light sensitivity. The bandages are to protect your eyes until you get acclimated." That didn't sound right. The part about concussions sounded true, but the voice that said it... It was familiar. Melodious. Like the voice I heard in the bookstore. Was that...

No. I had to have been dreaming.

"Uh. Okay," I flustered, not sure what to make of that. I probably just heard her talking to someone while I was asleep. The voice on my left, who I had assumed was the doctor, started again.

"I'd like you to tell us your name, as well as everything you can remember from before waking up here," Dr. Doctor said.

"John. John Chambers. My friends call me Jack. Should I start from when I last woke up, or...?"

"From wherever you feel is best, Jack," Dr. Acula replied. I walked the doctor and her nurse with the calming voice through my day, leaving out the part about the internal debate and stopping just before the weird sound had started.

"And you can't remember anything else?" Dr. Bad-Case-of-Loving-You asked.

"Besides a weird dream, no," I shrugged. Or tried to, anyways. My shoulders were stiff and I could feel a dull ache over most of my body.

The nurse placed her hand on my shoulder again; the action comforting instead of directing this time. "Please, go on. Anything you can remember might help us determine what happened to you."

"Well," I began, unsure of how to phrase what happened next without sounding childish or insane, "I was in the bookstore, and I heard this... sound."

"What kind of sound?" Dr. No asked.

"Sort of like a wind chime made of crystals, I guess? It's hard to explain. Anyway, I tried to find where it was coming from, I think. When I got closer to it... I remember a voice."

"Do you remember if it said anything?" the nurse asked. Now things get awkward, I thought.

"No, but I remember what she sounded like," I angled my head towards where I thought she might be standing. "It, uh, sounded like you, actually."

There was an uncomfortable silence after I said that. I imagined the nurse shared a look with the doctor before returning to me. "What do you remember next?"

Call me paranoid, but her tone made her sound more suspicious than curious. "Well, I kept looking for where the sounds were coming from, but I couldn't find anything. What hospital did you say this was?"

"The closest one available," the increasingly dubious doctor evaded, "What do you remember next?"

"Which hospital was closest?" I continued undeterred, anxiety over my situation mixing with the irritation at being jerked around. The beeping of the heart monitor sped up a bit.

"Jack, please calm down," the nurse implored, giving my shoulder a gentle squeeze. "We only want to help you, alright?" Her voice was warm and sincere. Motherly. The heart monitor slowed back to a normal pace. I weighed my options.

"... Okay. But I want a straight answer." I would play along, but I still wasn't convinced that everything was as it seemed.

"You'll get one," she said. "You have my word. But first, please. Can you tell us what happened to you?" I admired her manners. You don't see enough politeness nowadays.

I thought back to just after my return to the poetry section. To the psychedelic hellstorm that I had stumbled into. Bile rose in my throat and I fought back the urge to be sick. I swallowed before starting again.

"Remember when I said that sound was hard to describe? Whatever happened next was ten times worse. At least ten times worse. I think the accident itself came after that. I remember a whole lot of momentum, and being thrown into things. And then... uh..." the Angel I had fallen and bled upon flashed in my memory. "... I think I might have seen someone."

"Can you describe her?" the nurse asked.

"I don't know... beautiful? I was really out of it. I might have just been dreaming."

"Please try," she touched my shoulder again.

"I kind of thought she was, y'know... an angel." I said the last part softly, as if that would lessen the embarrassment.

"Really?" the nurse said. Her voice was surprised, with a hint of... amusement? I felt my face flush.

"Uh, yeah," I said quickly, trying to get this over with as soon as possible. "Like with wings and stuff. Halo around her head. Not like a ring, but this... rainbow-colored cloud behind her..." Something clicked in my mind. The monitor sped up again. "Her."

"Jack, please-"

"You said, 'describe her'."

My hands started sweating.

The doctor tried to cut in. "You told us you had seen someone-"

"Someone. I never told you it was a woman."

The nurse tried again. "You mentioned a woman's voice-"

"Get these things off my eyes."

"But the light-"

"Remove. My bandages. Please." I was tired of this facade. I was angry at being led by the nose. I was scared as hell of why they might be lying to me. I'm not the nicest guy when I'm scared and angry.

After a moment the nurse spoke again. "... Alright. We're going to remove the gauze but you must try to remain calm."

"But Ma'am-," the doctor started.

"He's told us everything we've asked throughout this entire conversation, Doctor, he has a right to some answers himself."

"Yeah, Doc, what she said," I chimed in, agreeing with the strange woman who was apparently not a nurse.

"Alright, fine," the doctor sighed after a moment. "But only the eyes. You do still have a compound fracture in your skull, young colt."

Young what? I thought, noticing the sound of hard soled shoes as the doctor moved from the side of my bed to the end and stopped.

"Thank you, doctor," the not-nurse said to her before turning back to me. "Now, I need you to promise me that you will stay calm and lie still; none of us want you in any more harm than you've already been. Can you promise me that?" She sounded like my mom telling me not to touch things in an antique store when I was a kid. I huffed and said "Okay" in that tone children use when their parents tell them to do their chores. She chuckled musically at that, then moved to join the doctor at the foot of the bed.

Is everyone around here wearing tap shoes or something? I thought, noticing that my shoes, along with the rest of my clothes, had been replaced with a loose patient's gown and a wool blanket.

"Hey, I thought you were gonna take these bandages off. Why're you both down-" before I could finish my question, I heard the shimmer-like chime that had gotten me into this whole mess ring from the same spot where both of the women would have been standing. As it did my bandages glowed a pale blue, and began moving on their own. When the glow touched my skin, it tingled with a localized feeling of synesthesia. It felt like medical shows and physician's journals and happy, healthy people thanking their doctors for saving their lives and all kinds of things that the sensory neurons of the skin shouldn't have been able to relay. Finally, the feeling ended as the bandages removed themselves from my eyes and tucked themselves into the folds of gauze surrounding other parts of my head. "There..." I finished lamely, too stunned by what I saw to hold on to my apprehension. They were humanoid and female, but that's where the similarities to homo sapiens ended.

The one on the left, the doctor, I assumed from the lab coat and scrubs she was wearing, looked to be of average build and maybe an inch shorter than me. That was the part I noticed last. What I noticed first was that she was covered in light blue fur, and had cotton-ball white hair that was cut to a pragmatic length. The colors looked cheerful and calming, like the kind you'd find in a hospital room; not the kind you'd find on a doctor. I briefly wondered if she'd think that was racist before I took note of the rest of her face. Her eyes seemed cartoonish, much larger than any human's, with irises the color of Post-it notes. They rested behind a pair of wire frame glasses perched on the bridge of her slight muzzle. Her long equine ears did not support her glasses; they were positioned near the top of her head instead of the sides. A horn with a slight spiral, the same shade of blue as her fur, extended to about a hand's length from her forehead at an angle that was mostly vertical, but still would allow her to wear most hats. She also had no shoes, or even feet. Her legs ended with round blue stubs that must have been hooves.

As unusual as she was, the one on the right was far more eye-catching. She was tall, taller than me and certainly taller than the doctor beside her. She looked around six and a half feet; fur the color of fresh snow on a cloudless morning covered every inch of her. Her dress was like some Greek toga, loose white fabric trimmed with gold starting at her collarbone, cinched at her waist with a belt of woven gold. It ended halfway between her knees and the floor, revealing that instead of having calves and shins like humans do, her lower legs bent backwards forming a joint similar to the human ankle before ending in a pair of hooves. The dress also had no back, her shapely arms and voluminous wings bare except for white feathers and like-colored fur. I recognized the wings and marked her as the "angel" that I landed on. I looked to her chest, half-expecting to still see my blood there. The pair of breasts I found instead were larger than any I had seen before. Ever the gentleman, I looked away before my gaze could be classified as leering and focused on her face, becoming enthralled for an entirely different reason.

Her beauty was as undeniable as it was alien. She too had a horn and muzzle, but unlike the doctor, her horn looked sharper and twice as long, and her muzzle was more graceful along the jawline and around the cheekbones. Her magenta eyes watched me with a long-suffering calmness that I had only seen briefly in the eyes of veteran soldiers and people far older than me. Her hair, if it could be called that, made the small part of my brain that was still rational flip an imaginary table. Each individual strand seemed to shimmer, the locks shifting through the the colors of a soft pastel rainbow as they drifted loosely around her face. I don't mean to say that her hair was wispy or thin; it was longer and more voluminous than the doctor's while still defying the laws of gravity. It almost looked as if her head was underwater, her iridescent curls and tresses moving like an ethereal cloud. Taken all together, the sights before me were so strange that I had to wonder if I was hallucinating or having an allergic reaction to whatever drugs I was on. Eventually the little hamster in my brain found its way back to the exercise wheel and my cognitive abilities rebooted.

"You're... You're a horse."

Regular Sherlock Holmes, ain't I?

This comment earned me a snort of derision from the doctor. It also made the identical twins in golden centurion armor that I hadn't noticed standing by the door take a threatening step forward. They stopped when the horse-woman with the wings started chuckling mirthfully, like I was a pre-schooler that had said something silly and wildly inaccurate.

"The proper term is 'pony', my young friend," she chided once she had finished laughing. "Many of us don't enjoy being called 'horse'." The other three 'ponies' in the room seemed surprised to hear the tall one say 'horse'.

Does that mean it's some kind of swear here? Did I just curse at this lady? I blinked. "Uh, sorry Miss. I didn't mean any offense."

She smiled pleasantly. "I didn't think you did. Since we already know your name, I think it's only fair you know ours as well. My name is Princess Celestia, Ruler of Equestria," she said before gesturing to the pony beside her with a furry hand. "This is Dr. Panacea, my royal physician."

"Pleasure to meet you," Dr. Panacea nodded.

The words "Princess", "royal", and "Ruler" bounced around in my head like a SuperBall. I noticed Celestia's golden "hoof-shoes" and finely crafted shin guards. The gem-studded vambraces on her forearms with delicate patterns etched into the gold. The large collar made of of enough gold and purple gems to feed all of Rhode Island for a day and a half. The golden, hairband-like crown with the most resplendent amethyst I had ever seen resting behind her horn. It looked almost plain on her.

Did I just insult royalty? Did I just throw a slur at alien royalty?! A pit formed in my stomach. This could be all kinds of bad.

I thought of all the stories I had read, all the fantastical beings and powerful rulers the protagonists would encounter. I thought about the Greek goddess Panacea, whose domain was universal remedy. This led my mind to another Greek myth these ponies reminded me of: unicorns. Fair-featured horses that would gore any who approached them besides young virgin women. I was immensely relieved that myth hadn't proven true yet.

I thought of the Sidhe from The Dresden Files. Immortal, capricious Fae to whom magic was like breathing. They often made deals with mortals that could make selling your soul to the Devil look like a good investment. If Princess Celestia was anything like Queen Mab, heck, even if she was anything like Queen Titania... then I was so many kinds of screwed that I had probably invented some new ones accidentally.

I would need to tread carefully.

I mustered all of my half-learned politesse in the pursuit of not having my soul laid to waste.

"The pleasure is mine, Your Royal Highness; Doctor," I said, remembering the proper way to address a princess and bowing my head to both of them as much as I could from my bed. "Please excuse my earlier offense. I have never seen beings like you before, and I am afraid I spoke without thinking. Please accept my apology, Ma'am." Dr. Panacea moved to check the machines around my bed while Celestia smiled lightly and gracefully lowered herself into a nearby chair. The smile looked real enough, but something about it reminded me of my work smile; friendly but forced.

"No offense taken, Jack," Celestia said, "but thank you for the apology. Now, I believe I promised you some answers, hmm?" That worried me. She had given her word. When a Sidhe makes a deal or a law, they follow it to the letter, not the spirit. If you try limit how they can act, force them into giving you their word, you can expect them to look for any way possible to painfully and horrifically end your life. Celestia had given me a promise, which for the Fae is like a binding contract. I knew there had to be strings attached.

"Well, Ma'am, my first question would be... 'What do you want?'" I phrased it as a statement. If I didn't ask her a question, then I hadn't accepted her deal.

"You know, that's exactly what I was going to ask you," Celestia said, tapping a finger thoughtfully against the opposite arm's vambrace.

Yeah, but I asked you first. "Speed before Beauty, I suppose." A little flattery never hurt anyone. "You didn't answer, I notice." Still no questions.

"You didn't ask, I notice," she smirked. Crap. She had me. "Why is that, I wonder?"

The monitor behind me blipped, and I realized I was basically strapped to a lie detector. I sighed. No point in trying to hide things now. "Thing is, Ma'am, there are stories where I come from. Stories about beings called the Sidhe."

"Go on," Celestia nodded. She leaned forward to listen, her pose doing interesting things to the front of her dress. I looked away from her to the ceiling to avoid embarrassment. I was starting to miss my pants.

"Uh, well," I stammered, trying to focus on my lecture and not the alien royal beside me. "The Sidhe are immensely powerful beings, obsessed with making deals and bargains with mortals, these deals usually turning out pretty bad for whoever the Sidhe make them with. They're masters of lying, even though they can never knowingly speak a falsehood."

"And you think I'm one of these 'Sidhe'?"

"I think it might be possible, Ma'am. I've never met one before. They're supposed to be fictional." So should anthropomorphic unicorns with wings and the proportions of Aphrodite, but here we are.

"Would it help if I told an obvious lie to prove myself?" My blood turned to ice and the monitor beeped rapidly. A Sidhe that could lie was scary enough on paper; the thought of being in the same room as one made a part of my mind start gibbering in fear.

"That-" my voice was squeaky. I cleared my throat and tried again. "That wouldn't be a good idea, Your Majesty. The falsehood thing's as much a safety measure as it is an identifying trait."

"I see..." she said. After a moment she spoke again. "Well, then-" she took my hand in hers and drew my attention back down to her face "-how about this? I give you my word as a Princess." Those eyes looked at me. Into me. "I give you my word that I am only trying to help you while maintaining the safety and prosperity of my little ponies."

I saw much in those eyes, but could grasp the meaning of very little. They were sincere and noble. Not haughty, but truly of noble character. I don't know how long I stayed trading gazes with her before I responded.

"Why?" I asked. "Why help me?"

"When I found you, you were terribly wounded, and yet you were more concerned with my well-being."

"Honestly? I was so shaken up that I didn't even know I was hurt."

"Even so, you were hurt, and in dire need of medical aid. I would have had your wounds treated regardless of how you acted."

"Plus the fact that I thought you were an angel helped too, right?" I smirked.

"It didn't hurt things," she smiled. "You believe me then, I take it?"

"You tell me, Ma'am. I've been asking you questions, have I not?"

"Indeed, you have," she said as she released my hand and leaned back into her chair. "And please, call me Celestia."

First name basis with an alien princess? Wow. "As you wish, Princess," I said, simultaneously being polite and a smart-ass.

"Please, Jack," she rolled her eyes as she spoke. "I get that enough from my guards. Now, I suspect that you have many questions."

I nodded once. Oh, just a few billion. I closed my eyes for a moment to sort out the most important. "Okay, let's see," I counted the questions on my fingers as I asked them. "Where am I? How did I get here? What exactly are you all? What was that earlier with the bandages? And lastly, maybe most importantly, where are my clothes?"

"I believe I can answer that last one," came Dr. Panacea's voice from the opposite side of my bed. I started and grinned at her sheepishly; I had forgotten she was even there. "We had to cut away most of your clothing to get at your injuries. Your overcoat and the things you wore on your... paws?" She looked at me expectantly.

"You mean the hiking boots I was wearing on my feet," I amended, wiggling my toes for emphasis.

"Ah, so they're called feet," she said, "interesting. Anyway, we were able to get them unlaced and set them and your socks aside. Everything else, we had to cut through. We'll have some replacements ready when you're well enough to be released."

I could only guess why she knew about socks but not shoes. "OK, tha- wait, replacements?"

"They did have to cut open your old clothes, Jack." Celestia said.

"What about my shirt? With a bat inside a yellow oval on it?" I asked.

"Cut it off, same as your pants and undergarments," Dr. Panacea said.

I furrowed my brow that. "I liked that shirt," I said. "That was my favorite shirt."

A small part of my mind reminded me that it was "just a shirt, dude," and that I could "get another one just like it at Wal-Mart for like, twenty bucks".

A larger, broodier part of my mind shouted "I AM THE NIGHT!", then swooped down from a gargoyle and punched the first part in the face.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Chambers," the doctor said, "but it was either cut the shirt off or let you keep bleeding internally."

"If you'd like, I can have a shirt tailored to look like your old one," Celestia offered.

"No," I said, "don't worry about it, Celestia. I'm just being silly."

"Very well," she said. "Now then, the rest of your questions. You are currently in the medical wing of Castle Canterlot-"

"Castle what?" Did I hear her right?

"Castle Canterlot," Celestia repeated. I did.

"Canterlot?" I echoed.

"Canterlot," she confirmed. I resisted the Monty Python reference. Barely.

"Canter. Like what horses-" the guard to the left of the door snorted angrily. "-uh, ponies do often. You could even say they 'canter' a 'lot'."

Celestia remained silent.

"Your castle's name is a pun."

"And," Celestia said, "the city around it. And the mountain it sits on."

"OK, then," I said. "Just checking." I couldn't keep the smile from my face.

"Hmm," Celestia nodded, her own grin much more restrained.

I started laughing. It started small, no more than a chuckle, but grew as it dawned on me just how surreal it all was. Celestia joined me, and we both giggled like children. Not long after, I was laughing so hard that my head felt light and my ribs ached terribly. Dr. Panacea laid me back and had to check my bandages and such to make sure I hadn't hurt myself further.

"That's enough excitement for today, I think," the doctor said. "My patient needs his rest, Princess."

"Of course, Doctor," Celestia said as she stood. "It appears we'll have to continue this another time, Jack. I'll be back again sometime tomorrow. Get some rest, alright?"

"Will do," I said, sides still hurting.

She nodded before turning to leave. "It was a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Chambers."

"The pleasure's all-" I stopped and stared when her back turned towards me.

"Hey! Eyes forward, punk," barked the guard on the left, same one from before. He had obviously thought I was checking whether or not Celestia 'got dat royal booty', but in reality I was looking at what sprouted from her tailbone, just above her rear. It was a tail made of just the same cloud-like, multicolored hair as the nimbus around her head. Celestia turned back towards me with an inquisitive look.

"You have a tail," I stated bluntly.

She turned to look at it over her winged shoulder. "Why yes, it appears I do," Celestia said as if she had only just noticed her own floating appendage.

What I asked next may have been the dumbest and most easily misconstrued thing to ever come out of my mouth. "Does... how do you sit down on that thing?"

"That's it," the angry guard said as he clenched his fists and stalked towards me.

"Down, Fido!" I exclaimed, my mouth moving before I could stop it.

Celestia stopped him before he reached the foot of my bed. "Captain Armor, stand down, please."

"But Your Highness-" he began. I noticed a horn sticking out of his helmet as he looked towards the princess.

"I'm sure our guest didn't mean anything by it. Did you, Jack?" she looked at me pointedly.

"No, Ma'am," I shook my head, "nothing at all. I'm just not very bright sometimes." I gave a self depreciating smile. Really need to work on that brain-mouth filter, Jack. I thought to myself.

Celestia smiled. "Well, we all have our moments. Captain, now that this little misunderstanding is all cleared up, would you return to your post, please?" she said in a patient tone.

"Yes, Your Highness," he saluted the princess with his right hand, fingertips to the side of his brow and the back of his hand facing forward.

As he was returning to the door, back turned to us, Celestia bent closer to me and whispered "Very carefully" with a wink. It took me a moment to realize she was referring to my question about her tail.

I blushed. Stupid, stupid question.

Standing back up and acting as nothing had happened when the Captain turned back around, Princess Celestia spoke again, loud enough for the whole room to hear her. "If that will be all, I think I'll take my leave for now. Captain Armor, please assist Dr. Panacea in any way she asks until your shift is over."

"Yes, Your Highness," he said, before fixing me with an icy look.

Celestia turned to me. "Get well soon." And with that she left, the less chatty guard following after her.

When she left, the doctor caught my attention again. "Now, then." She pulled a medical chart from somewhere and started flipping through papers. "Mister Chambers..."

"Uh, Jack," I said.

She blinked and looked at me. "Hm?"

"I like my friends to call me Jack, Doctor."

She smiled. "In that case, please call me Dr. Pan; it's much easier."

"OK, then Dr. Pan," I said, testing out the nickname.

"Now," -she glanced at the chart again- "I believe I've gotten a good grasp on your species's medical needs..."

---

The next half hour was spent discussing medical procedures, biological functions, and what I could and couldn't eat safely. Dr. Pan had just left to get me something to eat when the guard from earlier spoke up again. "I've got my eye on you pal."

"Come again?" I asked.

"I said you had better stay in line, buddy," the Captain glared. "If you don't, I'm gonna have to take you down a peg."

I can understand a guy needing to be intimidating to do his job. I can understand being unnerved around a strange being and feeling the need to make a show of force. But unless there was some cultural thing I wasn't aware of, I had done almost nothing to earn this kind of treatment. What's more, I was confined to a hospital bed and could barely laugh without coughing up blood. I was no threat to this guy or anyone else. As far as I could tell, this guard was just a bully.

And I don't like bullies very much.

"Sorry Captain Fido," I said, cementing this douchebag's new nickname in my mind, "you're going to have to speak up. It's real hard to hear you with your head that far up your own ass."

He scowled at me and took a step forward. "You listen here, you little-"

"Ooh, big bad Clone Trooper's gonna lecture at me. I'm so scared," I said mockingly

He snarled at me and his horn glowed purple. That was new. It was also bad news for me. "You better be, you smart-mouthed pile of-"

"Oh, you're gonna beat up a guy in a hospital bed, huh? Bet you're boss'll be super happy about that. What, there aren't any nearby babies to kick or old people to push into traffic?"

Captain Fido halted his advance toward me and his horn stopped glowing.

"You know what, alien?" he said after a moment. "You're not worth it." Then he turned and stepped outside the room, slamming the door behind him.

I let out a sigh of relief. That was way too close. My tongue's too sharp for my own good, sometimes. That guy could've killed me. I spent a moment just letting the adrenaline wear off and my heart rate return to normal.

Then everything hit me. I was on an alien planet, maybe even in an entirely different dimension. I had become the first human in history to make contact with sapient extraterrestrial life. I had even met a princess!

As all the bizarre, downright impossible facts started to overwhelm me, I was reminded of a line from Hamlet.

"O day and night, but this is wondrous strange!" I said to myself.

I grinned toothily as I remembered Hamlet's reply.

"And therefore as a stranger give it welcome.

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,

Than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

Comments

[Rotwu]

I'm gonna need more of this........please? ........pretty please?

[RainbowDragon]

This is really good and I love the references (especially the month Python one)

[Thanatoaster]

5662423 Ask, and ye shall receive. Eventually. I want to take my time on this, make sure I've written everything as well as I can. Thanks for giving it a look!

[zeldawolffang]

i like were this is going :D

[Iron Sky]

A larger, broodier part of my mind shouted "I AM THE NIGHT!", then swooped down from a gargoyle and punched the first part in the face.

I like the cut of this guy's jib.

In any respectable army, Armor would have just earned himself a reprimand, possibly a court martial.

[viper-rex]

Really enjoy your work. I look for an update close to every day.