5659772 It's worse than a grammar nazi. She's a grammar Sayain. Picture Goku charging up a Kamehameha and going "O. K. A. Y! OKAY?" and blasting in the face with it
Ok, got to the part where Moon Light is being healed. Here's my criticism:
Your characters are too stiff. They all act like they have boards strapped to their backs. Both in action and in speech. Also, your events are so choppy that your transitions are next to non-existent. The grammar is technically correct, but there isn't much of a "flow" to this story. It hurts to read this. I feel like every sentence and paragraph are jarringly different from the previous one. This is all in addition to the very Gary Stu-ish main character you've got. Human with magic? Fine. Human with the highest magic in his/her world and super bad-ass? Not good unless you're intentionally making fun of the genre. Most of the events seem like they were just convenient in order to force the story in a certain direction. There isn't a natural flow or even a decent suspension of disbelief.
With that in mind, I wish you the best in your pursuits.
5667594 The flow is choppy? interesting, that's actually a first.
As for Wolf being a Gary Stu, not exactly. The point of the story is Wolf used to be the strongest(in his mind at least), and now he's in a world where he's at best just good. His relative power level at the moment is somewhere around Twilight and Dash working together could take him out. He will get a bit stronger over time, but he would win a legit fight against them because unlike the ponies he has one advantage. Bloodlust and moral disconnect.
Either way his combat abilities aren't really much of an important aspect to the story. This story is tagged sex, romance and comedy for a reason.
5685719 I am a sir, as for my writing it's complicated to explain. I'm not directing the stories. This is actually happening and I'm just recording the events, kinda. Thank you for the compliment hope your looking forwards to the next 70 odd chapters. I'm working the story like this. Welcome to Canterlot arc, Blackened Souls arc, Retirement arc(Poor Wolf what have you done ) and so on. I've got the first arc written except for the last chapter of it. in all it's current 65k word glory.
5687474 I noticed that too actually. I'm going to be slowing down a tad with the next chapters. BTW if everypony wants updates send VelvetDash PMs saying "Please ma'am can I has some moar?" I've got ten chapters written in this story alone and anouther two with at least five each. Sooo literally the only thing between everyone and there next fix is waiting for my pathetic exscuse for grammer to be taken out and shot by Velvet, whenever she feels like it.
The scene was well done, and very stimulating. Some terminology that could have been varied, as opposed to made slightly repetitive. Overall, very well done.
Before I forget, tell Pinkie that the Fourth Wall has been needing some repairs, so it would be appreciated if she cut down on the frequency in which she pops out of it, like a Xenomorph... Much appreciated.
I stood between the humans and their destructive ways and the earth.
The problem with doing something like that is that you are killing people based on your personal opinion, not facts or necessity. Though killing poachers of endangered species is the normal response by law enforcement world-wide anyway. But still, what you consider to be our "destructive ways" is necessary for furthering human survival. Our destructiveness is necessary and even then it is not enough to stop the great majority of humanity from living in shitty conditions and dying slow, painful deaths and rarely from old age.
The lack of power makes sense. Earth is practical devoid of magic, so mages here would becomes extremely efficient and skilled at squeezing every bit of potential out of every drop of magic. The result is the ability to do things like transform despite possessing the magic levels of an earth pony foal. The Equestrians have never needed such efficiency and deep understanding of magic to do what they do, so their spells are no more powerful but are far more wasteful and lack the same depth of research to accomplish. Put the two together and both humans and ponies will skyrocket in power.
7543750 sorry for the late reply, but I'm rereading this story for inspiration and continuity and noticed this comment. What you need to understand is that first of all he's trying to justify his actions to Luna and that is purely opinion. Second of all justice, necessity and even humanity itself is entirely subjective and based on opinions. Picture how hard it would be for Vegeta or someone else like him to view humans as the same as him.
DAT editor note though will admit lol!
5659644 Velvet doesn't hold any punches. Literally or figuratively. She used both after editing this chapter.
5659757 grammar nazies are.tough some enjoy it though hahaha
5659772 It's worse than a grammar nazi. She's a grammar Sayain. Picture Goku charging up a Kamehameha and going "O. K. A. Y! OKAY?" and blasting in the face with it
5659783 Hehehe
Ok, got to the part where Moon Light is being healed. Here's my criticism:
Your characters are too stiff. They all act like they have boards strapped to their backs. Both in action and in speech. Also, your events are so choppy that your transitions are next to non-existent. The grammar is technically correct, but there isn't much of a "flow" to this story. It hurts to read this. I feel like every sentence and paragraph are jarringly different from the previous one. This is all in addition to the very Gary Stu-ish main character you've got. Human with magic? Fine. Human with the highest magic in his/her world and super bad-ass? Not good unless you're intentionally making fun of the genre. Most of the events seem like they were just convenient in order to force the story in a certain direction. There isn't a natural flow or even a decent suspension of disbelief.
With that in mind, I wish you the best in your pursuits.
5667594 The flow is choppy? interesting, that's actually a first.
As for Wolf being a Gary Stu, not exactly. The point of the story is Wolf used to be the strongest(in his mind at least), and now he's in a world where he's at best just good. His relative power level at the moment is somewhere around Twilight and Dash working together could take him out. He will get a bit stronger over time, but he would win a legit fight against them because unlike the ponies he has one advantage. Bloodlust and moral disconnect.
Either way his combat abilities aren't really much of an important aspect to the story. This story is tagged sex, romance and comedy for a reason.
5685719 I am a sir, as for my writing it's complicated to explain. I'm not directing the stories. This is actually happening and I'm just recording the events, kinda. Thank you for the compliment hope your looking forwards to the next 70 odd chapters. I'm working the story like this. Welcome to Canterlot arc, Blackened Souls arc, Retirement arc(Poor Wolf what have you done ) and so on. I've got the first arc written except for the last chapter of it. in all it's current 65k word glory.
Pretty decent story with an interesting set-up.
I do believe that it is just a tad fast paced and could benefit from slowing down just a bit. Still gets a fav and like outta me anyway.
5687474 I noticed that too actually. I'm going to be slowing down a tad with the next chapters. BTW if everypony wants updates send VelvetDash PMs saying "Please ma'am can I has some moar?" I've got ten chapters written in this story alone and anouther two with at least five each. Sooo literally the only thing between everyone and there next fix is waiting for my pathetic exscuse for grammer to be taken out and shot by Velvet, whenever she feels like it.
5685850 *twilight starry eyes* 65k words... oooooooh.... aahhhhh! i cannot wait
fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/127/1/3/thor_and_mlp_meme_for_fimfic_by_ponpheonix-d64fsvg.jpg
predator/pony (bat pony thestrals same thing) love it proceed with more
It's extremely rare for such a new story with so few chapters to make it into my favorites. Bravo!
Well that escalated quickly.
The story moved a little fast in some parts and made the dialogue in those parts feel bland and forced, but otherwise I'm liking this story.
I'm sorry I liked it buuuut the sex made me skip to this and leave a down vote sorry
That was...the shortest change of relationship I seen...in a long while...I honestly expected it to take time to be honest...
6857860 Ehh. They're both rather primal animals in a sense. The getting to know each other can come later.
The scene was well done, and very stimulating. Some terminology that could have been varied, as opposed to made slightly repetitive. Overall, very well done.
Before I forget, tell Pinkie that the Fourth Wall has been needing some repairs, so it would be appreciated if she cut down on the frequency in which she pops out of it, like a Xenomorph... Much appreciated.
What a lovely chapter though I wonder of they are a couple now or was it just a one time thing
The problem with doing something like that is that you are killing people based on your personal opinion, not facts or necessity. Though killing poachers of endangered species is the normal response by law enforcement world-wide anyway. But still, what you consider to be our "destructive ways" is necessary for furthering human survival. Our destructiveness is necessary and even then it is not enough to stop the great majority of humanity from living in shitty conditions and dying slow, painful deaths and rarely from old age.
The lack of power makes sense. Earth is practical devoid of magic, so mages here would becomes extremely efficient and skilled at squeezing every bit of potential out of every drop of magic. The result is the ability to do things like transform despite possessing the magic levels of an earth pony foal. The Equestrians have never needed such efficiency and deep understanding of magic to do what they do, so their spells are no more powerful but are far more wasteful and lack the same depth of research to accomplish. Put the two together and both humans and ponies will skyrocket in power.
7543750 sorry for the late reply, but I'm rereading this story for inspiration and continuity and noticed this comment. What you need to understand is that first of all he's trying to justify his actions to Luna and that is purely opinion. Second of all justice, necessity and even humanity itself is entirely subjective and based on opinions. Picture how hard it would be for Vegeta or someone else like him to view humans as the same as him.