The orange mare gave a laugh in reply as Rainbow Dash simply cocked her head to the left, bathed in confusion. Staring blankly at this strange mare, she realized what this had to be. Leaping up and trapping the 'Applejack' in between her hooves, anger consumed the grey mare as she forced her down.
"You wont fool me, Changeling!" She hissed, barely regarding the fact a certain filly sat beside her, watching the event with a smirk on her face. 'Applejack's' deep red eyes reminded her of crimson liquid recently discovered and named blood. 'Applejack's' veins began to show by her forehead as she strained. Rainbow's wing flared as she continued to shout loudly. When her fury died down, she managed to speak clearly again, "You got her eyes wrong, Changeling."
"... Ah' beg y'er pardon?"
"Applejack's eyes are bright green, not red."
"Jus' what in tarnation are y'e goin' on about?"
"...Who are you?"
"Me? Well, ah'm sure ah'm Applejack." The young earth pony lifted her head with pride, beaming as if she were proud to hold the name of an Apple. She turned to see what looked like Applebloom, who's mane was a familiar shade of hot pink, but slowly gave of a gradient of black as it reached the ends of her braid. A tiny ribbon held the braid together, but her favorite pink bows did not rest on her head. Applejack clutched her hat as she coughed slightly to regain Rainbow's attention. Quickly, she asked, "and you are?"
"Rainbow Dash." There was a silence as the room was drained of it's sounds. Applejack and Applebloom gaped in bewilderment before Rainbow curiously asked why.
"Well, suga' cube, you're... Ah' dunno how to put this but, y'er..." Her voice faded as it continued, and Applejack bent down to whisper something to her sister, whom darted out the door as if she were being chased, "Well, y'er nothin'. Nothin' at all, no sir. Ah' ain't a liar, and ah' said nothin'." Applejack's eyes stared at anything and everything but Rainbow Dash, who just rolled her eyes in frustration.
"You know what? Forget it, i'm going out for a walk-"
"NO! Ah' mean... no, wont yah' stay for some apple pie?" She awkwardly spoke, her mouth breaking into a twisted smile. Rainbow tried to decline, claiming she wasn't hungry, but her stomach betrayed her.
"Fine."
You really need an editor for this. The concept is good but your pacing is just..way off.
You're doing chapters of less than 1,000 words when each of these could probably be much longer and build the world at a much better pace.
Let me put it this way:
It took me less than 5 minutes to read this story and already she's been replaced as the element of loyalty, met a shadow, hopped a dimension and met a twisted version of AppleJack.
6031982
Thank you so much for your advice! I know the chapters are pretty short, but I was doing these in the midst of final exams and so it was pretty hard for me to balance them all, studying and writing.
I would get an editor but... I honestly don't know how.
I will try to improve the length and my style of writing in general a lot more now since Summer Vacation has begun. Again, thanks.
6043892
Glad I could help :)
One of the things I do in my own writing (not that I've posted any yet, but hopefully soon) is I'll hand-write out the first the plot for the whole story (major points), then I do into major points that I want to cover for each chapter. Then I write a first pass of a chapter,
Then, as I'm typing up the chapter, it's a lot easier to recognize places where you can go into more detail, or be more descriptive.
Don't give up hope! Writing is a skill that can take years and a lot of practice to develop.