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Chapter 3; A World Of Difference
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Explaining the show to Twilight Sparkle was, understandably, no easy task. I mean, it'd be the equivalent of an alien landing on my planet, and telling me that I'm a TV show to him.
"It doesn't make sense," Twilight began. "I don't want to believe you, but... You do seem to know things that only ponies should know. I mean you know about Canterlot, Discord, Celestia and Luna, Nightmare Moon, You've mentioned the names of my friends, you know about the Elements of Harmony, Hearth's Warming Eve, It's unfathomable!"
"I know it's strange. Believe me, coming from Earth, this place is strange too," I replied.
"Did you say Earth?"
I cocked my head a bit in apprehension. "Yeah... why?"
"Follow me. Quickly."
I didn't have time to ask why, before Twilight was running down the long dirt road we'd been walking along for the better part of half an hour. God these ponies can run fast on all fours, I thought to myself, struggling to keep up with the purple unicorn. It wasn't long before I started recognizing things. I glanced off to my right, and saw a large barn with an apple insignia just above the door.
"Is that Sweet Apple Acres?" I called out to her.
She didn't answer, but just kept running.
"Where are we going, anyway?"
Once again, no response. We kept running, me, of course, a few feet behind Twilight. Before long, I stopped paying attention, and began to try and recognize some sort of familiar structure. I tripped over Twilight, who'd stopped quite abruptly. She grabbed my shoulders, and pulled me back behind a bush.
"Ponyville is just beyond this bush. I'm not sure how the other ponies are going to react to you, so I want you to stay close, and be calm."
I obliged, and followed her closely. It was obvious that these ponies had never seen a human before. They'd come within a few feet, then back away, as if I were dangerous. Some of the more adventurous ones would come up, and take a close look, to which I'd respond with a "hello," or "hi, what's up." Some were terrified, but some gasped and talked to me with complete interest. We finally reached the library door, and Twilight made a head motion, signaling me to enter.
"Can I stay out here a little while and meet everyone?" I asked, still in a crowd of ponies.
Twilight put a hoof to her chin, as she did when she pondered any situation. "I would've had to have shown you to the rest of Ponyville anyway... So I guess it's fine." With that, she strode into the library shutting the door behind her.
The pony that I recognized as Lyra was one of the most interested of them all, even dragging Bon-Bon with her to talk with me. At this point, I decided to have a little fun. When Lyra and Bon-Bon had both finally approached me, I raised my hands in the air and made an announcement.
"I, Damien the Great, will now read the minds of these two ponies!" I called out, pointing to Lyra and Bon-Bon.
They both gasped in both apprehension and excitement. I pointed toward Lyra, and rubbed my temple with my other hand, eyes closed, doing my best to impersonate a mind reader.
"I'm getting something... You're name is.... Lyra!"
Lyra and Bon-Bon recoiled a bit with excitement. Bon-Bon approached with a wide grin.
"Oh, me next! Do me, do me!"
I laughed to myself and resumed my sudo-mind-reader stance.
"You," I began. "You are called Bon-Bon."
Lyra, and Bon-Bon and the rest of the crowd all murmured together in excitement. Just then, Twilight poked her head from the library door.
"Damien!" she called out to me. "Come inside! I have to show you something!"
"But I'm just starting to meet all the nice pony-folk!" I responded.
"Now!" she replied, her authoritativeness once again shining through.
"Ok, everypony, I gotta go."
I exited the crowd despite the various "aww's" coming from several disappointed ponies. At least I was making a good first impression. I trodded over, and knelt down to fit inside the door. The inside of Twilight's Tree-library-house-thing was just about exactly the same as the TV show. A desk and a large oak table were the only furniture visible in the lower level, and a large, leather bound book lay open on the table. She approached the table, and motioned me over to it.
"You said you were from Earth, correct?" she asked me. I nodded in return. "Ok. I've only ever heard of Earth once, and it was in this book." I peered down at the large, seemingly ancient book. Sure enough, it was written in English.
"It says here," she began. "That Equestria is one of few worlds formed by the Creation."
"The Creation?" I asked skeptically.
"The Creation was when everything in existence was... well... created. It says here that more than one world was created, the one known being Equestria. It also mentions that certain worlds were kept running by different forces, ours being magic. Another surprising thing it mentions is the possible characteristics of another world, whose name in what has been translated from the Old Language, sounds strikingly similar to Earth.
"You see in the Old Language, the 'th' sound we use didn't exist, and was instead replaced with the 't' sound. The book details 'Ert' to have striking similarities to Equestria, but at the same time to be altogether different. It says while our world is held together with magic, 'Ert's' bonds that keep it in check are more... 'automated and physical.' It goes on to say that all of these worlds have a certain bond between them; one greater than magic, or any other natural force."
I stood there, mouth agape, reading the same page over and over. Sure enough, "Ert" was written several times on the page, detailing how reactions on "Ert" were performed automatically, by some force other than magic. Every good brony knows that the Sun and Moon in Equestria are raised and lowered by the two Royal Princess Sisters. This book, however, was able to accurately determine the force that kept the forces on "Ert" in tact.
Twilight kept reading. "According to this, Ert and Equestria are two completely different worlds, with some kind of bond that goes beyond the bounds of magic and science."
"So what you're saying," I said, still trying to grasp the situation, "Is that I'm on a completely different planet?"
Twilight looked at me, and shook her head slowly. "No. According to the book... You're in a different realm of existence."
iv seen worse
tracked
Human in equestrian... unoriginal.
Far Away - Wolfmother
I misread that as Damien Wayne, and thought this was going to be a crossover with Batman's son.
504508 What do you think the "Human" tag was, when you clicked on this?
504508
I did put the "Human" tag on this story. Unless you clicked on this to deliberately make a point that you dislike HiE Fics.
505199
Thanks I have a lot of ideas in store, and I think this has a ton of potential, if I execute a good order of events. Also, let me know if you find anything that needs fixing, and feel free to let me know of any ideas you have for this fanfic.
I like it so far! Finally, a HiE that doesn't have the person hiding all of the secrets and making everything worse for themselves later on.
I only wish more of this story was out so I didn't have to wait for the next chapters. :c
Do you have an editor? I couldn't find too many errors while reading this. I also like your sentence structure, I'm going to take note of the layout of your story (as well as all of my friends' stories) and use it to help me when I write my first ever fanfic in a week.
505329
Thanks!
And no, I write my fanfics without an editor. In hindsight, it's probably not the best of ideas, but it reduces hassle and time spent.
Oh, and I'm currently about 1/3 of the way through chapter 4. It'll be out probably within an hour or so.
505357 damn... I'll be asleep in an hour.
505405
Then it shall be waiting for you in the morning!
Okay, so far, so little.
This HiE plotline is just, just SO over used. I'm a teenage brony, I hate my life, my parent(s)/classmates/coworkers/peers is/are mean to me, blam, wowwee, I'm in Equestria where I'm AWESOME.
You're going to have to try very VERY hard and do something very VERY different to make this story stand out in the crowd.
You're also not off to a very good start.., you spent the first entire chapter with your protagonist doing nothing but mope about his life. Plus, your character's appeal for sympathy couldn't be weaker. Believe me, noone past the age of thirteen is going to have a moment of sympathy for how hard your character's life is because he's getting an F in chemistry. If anything I'm LESS sympathetic because the silly twit is sleeping through his classes and then whining about his bad grades. At any rate making a protagonist "Sympathetic" doesn't mean you have to make everyone feel sorry for him. It means you make him (or her) RELATABLE.
Your grammar, sentence structure and spelling are at least clean, and you write with a clear "voice." It just remains to be seen whether you're going to do anything with it.
505474
Ok, so can it, is essentially what you're saying.
Also, you're not supposed to be "sympathetic," you're supposed to relate to him. I'm not trying to make you feel sorry. Everyone fucks up in life, and this is another case. I'm not going to make him an orphan with cancer and an abusive foster home, if that's what it takes to make the story sympathetic. And he doesn't hate his life. If he hated his life, he'd be a whiny little bitch who writes poetry, and cuts himself. He's just frustrated with his current conditions. Also, the first chapter was to add background to the character, not to "mope about his life." Trust me, if I wanted him to mope, I could've made him, once again, a whiny bitch who writes poetry. And also, how many different HiE plot beginnings can there be? Besides, the plot hasn't even developed. This is just how he got there, and isn't even a significant part of the story. The plot I have in mind didn't even need the first couple chapters, but I added them anyway, so you could get a sense of who the character is and so you can relate.
And anyway you don't have to be so brutal. I get it. It needs something different to stand out, but you don't need to tell me that my plot sucks, the future of this fic is going to suck, my character sucks, and that I'm going to have to pull a Jesus miracle out of my ass to fix it, because even though that's not what's written, that's what's implied.
505484 At first, when the protagonist said "Twilight Sparkle", I was expecting to be an identity crisis and it sure was.
Overused! No offense