Every day you live your life the same way you were raised. You think that's how every pony lives their life, just like you do. How they go by their daily routine; how its normal to live the way you grew up living, any other way is considered abnormal or just plain crazy. For most ponies, this is very true. Every pony in their town lives to same as they do, or just as similar. The only problem is, I'm no pony.
They call me a good for nothing bug, a parasite, a lifeless shell. I don't know what is normal for Changeling life, or where we came from. I am just one changeling of the hundreds that fell victim.
I was one of the first three eggs handed to the ponies 20 years ago, being hatched in a nursery being studied day and night with my brother and sister while we grew out of our larva state. About a week after, we were sold to anypony rich enough to pay. That hot, sunny day was the last time I ever saw them. Me, being the rut was the last to go, sold to somepony who accidentally rose his hoof. Ever since I waited on him and was the target for his anger, his stress reliever. All this was caused by one dreadfully treaty.
Ponies were growing fat and lazy needing yard hooves to work the farms and the construction of new buildings, pretty much anything that required manual labor. So after the attack on Canterlot, guards were set out to hunt down and capture Queen Chrysalis. In doing so Princesses Celestia took it upon herself to speak to the queen returning with a signed treaty. "And here it states that from now on forth the hive of Queen Chrysalis will hand Equestria three Changeling eggs every week; within not doing so or to cease exchange will result to war. For return, Equestrian will use the queen's hive as a prison, allowing the Changelings to do as they please with them; rather it be for food or courting or slavery, Equestria will turn a blind eye."
The most important fact to the changelings are that we feed off of emotions, preferably love. Just one hour of love can sustain a changeling for days at a time, but I don't have that luxury. Most of the week i live off of the anger my master gives me. Imagine eating nothing but junk food for your life, it's not healthy and doesn't sustain one for long. So you could imagine just how unhealthy I look.
To add on top of that, most ponies despise Changelings. Every week on Saturday my master has me go fetch supplies since the only time he leaves the propriety is for noble appearances. There are two groups out there, the Anti Insect Mercenaries (AIM), and the Changeling Protection Organization (CPO). AIM is a group a mercenaries and every day ponies who live and breve to cause pain to Changelings, blaming every day problems on us. The CPO is the complete opposite, they offer shelter and a life for those who was thrown out by their master to be picked off by AIM. They both have headquarters in Canterlot but are spread all over Equestria in smaller branches under different names.
There are times I wonder what the other changelings given to the ponies are doing, if they are spoiled by one of the ponies part of the Changeling freedom group, or if they have it just as bad as me. Or how changelings normally live in general. Do they all live under one master like I do and have families like the ponies do? Do they go every day with a warm smile like the ponies do? If only I could meet a changeling from a hive.
At nights, when I fall asleep, I hear slight whispers in the back of my head. Every now and then I would respond to them, but they never responded to me directly. The chatter of the voices sounded similar to a busy street or a booked restaurant. I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel safe and secure when I hear the voices. As if I belonged with them, like it is part of who I am.
And this is my story.
O....M.....F.....G This is perfect.
First Impressions; A Second Person Fic? Without the tag? That's kinda weird, my guy. Then I kept reading and saw that it was *not* second person.
The first paragraph does read strangely, it's a little jarring to go from second to first-person.
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"Me being the *runt, *I was the last to go"
"Ever since(,) [I've] waited on him..." Could otherwise be reworked to flow a little better. [Ever since that moment, I've waited on him, horn and hoof. I was the target for his anger, his stress relief, and (TBD)]
I'm not deleting the above because it points out a few issues with the story with choice of diction and syntax, but they are fixable and don't detract too much from the tone/mood aimed for. However, don't be afraid to get a little wordy with descriptors whether based on imagery or actions.
Missing caps on a word here and there, The story seems to jump from place to place. You went from the treaty and its results to the conception and details of the treaty itself
A lot of this reads awkwardly, especially as an address. Why does Chrysalis herself have to hand over the eggs? Wouldn't it be the changeling nation? '...result to war' has a different contextual meaning. 'result in war' would work better
Okay, immediately after you go over a bit of the treaty, it's describing Changelings and their feeding methods, which would've fit closer to the beginning with why Changelings are hated and enslaved. Continuing on with the same paragraph; The reader has no idea what an unhealthy Changeling looks like. They already look unhealthy as they're full of holes and seem insectine. Then we jump to people who hate and support Changelings in turn without really knowing why either group does what they do. AIM hates Changelings because they exist, yes, but that's just racism. CPO seems to be the Underground Railroad without any sort of secrecy.
After that, we're in the MC's head again. The exposition could be touched up to flow and read a little more consistently
This paragraph could use a rework. The first sentence is a run on that doesn't read fluidly. And how does the MC know he has it any better than anyone else? The sentence starting with ['Or how changelings normally live in general'] reads as a part of the previous sentence.
Why, with the MC knowing as much as they seem to with the exposition, do they not know anything about how other enslaved Changelings live? Unless we're talking about free Changelings, which isn't really specified until the end of the paragraph. As one of the first, should they not be more knowledgeable? Are there *any* free changelings walking about in Equestria?
At the end, I don't know what to do with the whispers in the back of the MC's mind because there was no build up. This will probably be expounded upon if the story continues, but why doesn't the MC exposit about the thing that makes them feel safe? What is said? Why does it happen?
Overall there's a lot of stuff wrong with the chapter, but it's still a pretty decent start and premise to a story. From changes with spelling, diction, and syntax, there's some stuff to work on. Keep your head up, keep writing, and my main piece of advice is try to keep things in order. I had a hard time getting through some of this because it leaps and jumps from place to place without connecting anything to each other.
Stay Cool, Kid