Personally I like the fact that there's no great conspiracy behind April's leaving of her home...-town, I guess. No broken water chip, no raiders invading her stable home, she's no raider out for revenge or redemption (pick one, but in most stories they're the same), there's no secret audio file from before the war... She just wants to go on an adventure, It's original in its normality.
Although she could use a bit more justification for her actions, there certainly are other ways of getting into the wasteland without running away from home.
I'm not sure if scorpions are that fast with digging tunnels to attack their prey... but those are fcking radioactive! Everything is possible (look at the incredible Hulk or Spiderman)
But maybe you should remove those things.
"20/10 would fuck the author" ~ComputerDeathglare
“M8/10 OH WOW M8” ~Piecee01
“gay/10 wtf do you even type bro” ~EQD
“baguette/10 REVOLUTIONE” ~france
This is supposed to be taken seriously as a story and not a parody
After the first chapter I was like "so the gun matters more than her?" It's okay being descriptive I guess, but characters, reasons and locations come before individual objects.
There's my two cents on that note.
Chapter 2... Before all else, there NEEDS to be an explanation of the 'pocket dimension' or at least its limits. Right now it almost seems like an escape mechanism if the need be. I'm asking if it can transport ponies as well as hold objects, because it seems a tad bit o.p. without added context y'know?
Aside from that, reccommend use of thesaurus and...needs more plot/reason.
Personally I like the fact that there's no great conspiracy behind April's leaving of her home...-town, I guess. No broken water chip, no raiders invading her
stablehome, she's no raider out for revenge or redemption (pick one, but in most stories they're the same), there's no secret audio file from before the war...She just wants to go on an adventure, It's original in its normality.
Although she could use a bit more justification for her actions, there certainly are other ways of getting into the wasteland without running away from home.
I'm not sure if scorpions are that fast with digging tunnels to attack their prey... but those are fcking radioactive! Everything is possible (look at the incredible Hulk or Spiderman)
But maybe you should remove those things.
This is supposed to be taken seriously as a story and not a parody
5147515 womansday.com/cm/womansday/images/z6/01-pickle-on-white-lgn.jpg
A pony with "heterosexual" as cutie mark, this story CAN'T be bad !
Gonna read this in my bed, with a tisane, because this story looks like the kind of story you must read like that !
5164240
Trust me. This is going to be badass. And you'll need lots and lots of tissues.
5165965
Hell YEAH !
Wait a minute what do m- Oh... That...
5166648 well, she does have that cutiemark for a reason....
5167833
You earned a fav'
After the first chapter I was like "so the gun matters more than her?" It's okay being descriptive I guess, but characters, reasons and locations come before individual objects.
There's my two cents on that note.
Chapter 2... Before all else, there NEEDS to be an explanation of the 'pocket dimension' or at least its limits. Right now it almost seems like an escape mechanism if the need be. I'm asking if it can transport ponies as well as hold objects, because it seems a tad bit o.p. without added context y'know?
Aside from that, reccommend use of thesaurus and...needs more plot/reason.
P.S. Belette is awesome; love her already!
5189835 all will be explained in due time