4). Rumors
Monday came along like a brooding storm, but both Fluttershy and Big Mac felt refreshed and ready to deal with whatever Canterlot High wanted to throw at them. Again, one or two students were still causing a problem for them, and they would not drop it without pushing for a fist fight. But, for the most part: everything was settling down, to the relief of the two. They went through the day almost unscathed, but were still excited for their plans after school: It was the first day for Mac not having to do farming duties, so he was going to help Fluttershy at the animal shelter. Big Mac had some experience taking care of farm animals, so he thought taking of small rodents and mammals and maybe the occasional reptile would be a breeze compared to something large like a cow or horse.
He was in the last class for the day, taking notes and trying to pay attention, but like most days the image of Fluttershy was racing in his head. As much as he tried to keep the thoughts pure and safe, he was over time losing the battle with his hormones. Holding hands in his mind turned into seeing more of her skin by the way of bikini, which turned into the bikini coming off and Welp, because of rules and that whatnot this part has been filtered out. but hey while you are reading this I have a skype group for fans of my work as well as proofreaders and editors, if you want to join, skype me at louisros1990. And read Horse News! . He was head over heels about the girl, but then again there was the whole 'she might not feel the same way' thing that was in the way. He finally snapped back to reality, and found the two girls at the table next to him talking about Fluttershy.
"So did you hear about the new rumor about her....?"
Some rumors about her that he has heard were were down right silly, like the cooking club heard she puts ketchup in her fridge (which is a great way to anger them to the point of going postal for some reason). There were some that were just evil like she blew guys for 10 dollars in the Sugar Cube Corner parking lot. Some involved him like that she was pregnant and "X" (more often than not he was the 'x') was the father.
This rumor however...seemed plausible?
"What?"
"Golden eye spotted her in the forest while hunting last weekend. According to him: she lives in a abandoned commune."
"Whats a commune?"
"It's like a permanent summer camp"
"How is that that a bad thing?"
"Why do I hang out with you again?"
Big Macintosh wanted to laugh off this rumor as being a lie, he really did. But, somehow, someway, it sounded plausible. He never really met her parents, even though the Apple family knows everyone in town, because they provided most of the fresh food. From what Big Mac remembered: Fluttershy only bought enough food for herself, and usually bartered instead of using cash. Usually, she would trade things they wanted from the forest but didn't have time: wild berries, yams, herbs, and even fish from the lake. Either her parents were master outdoorsmen or she was. There was also the fact that yes, there was an abandoned commune from when they were kids somewhere in the woods. It was a pretty big story when it was abandoned over their secret cultivation of marijuana, but the media hype around it died as quickly as it came, so the story was basically forgotten by now. Growing up, he remembered that Granny and his parents when they were still alive told him not to go near or to play in the commune before or after its abandonment, thinking that bad and shady folk were still around those parts. Instead of keeping it away, it drew him like a moth to a flame and he ended up running into a girl in the commune after nearly getting killed by one of the dilapidated buildings .
Then it dawned on him: was Fluttershy the girl from the forest those many years back?
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Ohmygosh! You have to write more! Don't leave me on a cliff hanger!
Bikinishy. Mac knows he can't fight that.
Alright another chapter!
...Huh. Okay?
MOAR!
I need more!!!!
Ohmygosh i need MOAR!!!!!!!!!!
And here is where I sadly check out.
Don't get me wrong; I love the concept, your writing shows great potential, and the cover art is beyond cute.
But this is not a chapter. This is barely a scene. Unless you're fishing for "OMG MOAR" type comments, there's no reason for this to be all by it's lonesome.
Furthermore, I find the little censored bit to be a mite insulting. From my experience, the last thing a reader wants is to be yanked out of a narrative by a bit of nonsense like that. Not only does it break the proverbial narrative spell, but it also makes me, the reader, feel a little skeezy about what was there originally. Fluttershy and Mac are 14, yes? I find it difficult to believe good old country boy Mac would be fantasizing about much more than Fluttershy in a bikini. Not only would it not be proper, but it's also highly unlikely Mac has a very good idea of what sex is in the first place.
Or, if you really needed that bit, why not have it say something like, "Thoughts like that would bring to mind images of Fluttershy in a bikini. And then those thoughts would lead to... well, Mac wasn't really sure about those thoughts, but they sure made him feel a bit funny."
I see the potential and I also see that you've been working on this for some time, so I won't disregard this completely, I'll revisit it down the road.
All the best!