The Big Secret
Sweetie Belle was a filly with a secret. She had kept it from her parents for a while and she decided that it was time to let them in on it. Howver, several opportunities to tell them had come and gone in days past but today, this afternoon, she had finally worked up the nerve to face her fear and follow through with her plans.
She walked into the kitchen where they sat performing their usual routines. Her mother, Cookie Crumbles, was clipping out coupons from a small stack of newspaper inserts while her father, Hondo Flanks, had his nose in the sports page of the Ponyville Express. Sweetie Belle was convinced that the butterflies in her stomach were simultaneously performing multiple sonic rainbooms. She had no reason to be afraid of her parents' reactions. What could possibly go wrong? It was nothing bad. It was just awkward.
“Mom? Dad?” she asked, correcting the crack in her voice. “Can I invite a friend over for dinner tomorrow?”
“Sure thing, sweetheart,” said Cookie Crumbles. “Is it Apple Bloom or Scootaloo? If it’s Scootaloo, tell her that I’m making her favorite again: roasted asparagus in lemon garlic sauce and wild rice with cashews and mushrooms.”
Hondo Flanks looked up from his paper and licked his lips at the preview of the yummy-sounding meal he had to look forward to eating tomorrow.
“Honey,” said Hondo to his wife, “have I ever told you just how happy I am that you decided to marry me?”
Cookie looked at Hondo and grinned gently at the timing of the question, knowing full well that the sentiment was coming from her husband’s stomach more than from his heart – but that was all right.
“Just make sure you stop at seconds, sweetheart,” she said as she lovingly stroked his cheek with the back of her hoof. “The longer you keep your weight down, the longer I get to keep you around so I can listen to your sweet nothings.” She kissed him on the cheek and placed the coupon she had just clipped into a pocket of her binder.
“There’s always a catch,” said Hondo, pouting as he returned to the solace of his sports column that never placed limitations on how much he could indulge himself.
“Yeah, um... about that,” stammered Sweetie Belle. “It’s not Scootaloo that I’d be inviting... a-and it’s not Apple Bloom, either. It’s... a colt. I’m bringing... my coltfriend.” She blushed and smiled.
Cookie’s ears perked up. She placed her scissors down on the table and smiled proudly at her youngest child.
“A coltfriend?” she asked. “That’s great! My little filly’s grown into a young mare already. Does this young stallion of yours have a name?”
“Button Mash,” replied Sweetie Belle.
“‘Button Mash’. I like it. It’s got a nice ring to it.”
Hondo slowly lowered his paper to the kitchen table. His vacant eyes were open wide and his jaw open and shut as though he was speaking – but no sound came out.
“A co... A c-c-co... A coltfriend?” he sputtered.
“Are you okay, Dad?” asked Sweetie Belle, tilting her head.
“A COLTFRIEND!!” shouted Hondo happily as he swung his forelegs upward. “YEAH! I can finally give my daughter’s coltfriend a hard time! Sweetie Belle, you just made my week!”
The unsettling and creepy smile on her father’s face reminded Sweetie Belle of the time that Twilight Sparkle presented her with a rag doll. Sweetie Belle gave her mother a concerned look.
“Okay, should I be feeling really afraid right now?” asked Sweetie Belle. “Because I am; like, a lot.”
“Don’t you worry about a thing, Sweetie Belle,” said Cookie. “You have our permission to bring your coltfriend over for dinner and everything’s gonna be just fine.” She raised an eyebrow as she turned to face her husband. “You be nice to the boy when he visits us, Hondo. I don’t want you to scare him off, d’ya hear me?”
“Nuts to that, Cookie!” replied Hondo defensively, “Do you know how long I’ve been dying for a chance to haze a boy who’s dating my daughter? I don’t tell you that you can’t clip all the coupons ya want so why can’t I have my fun?”
“Because what I do is productive. You’d be surprised to know how big of a dent I make in our weekly grocery bills doing this. Besides, you knew I was a coupon clipper before you asked me to marry you so it’s way too late to complain about it.”
“That was before I got promoted. I bring home a better salary now. Don’t get me wrong; I appreciate that you wanna save money so that we have a decent nest egg for our retirement but you’ve gone so far overboard that you’re back on dry land. I don’t even think you do it because you want to. To be perfectly blunt-”
“You’re always blunt, dear.”
“How do you think I got to be so perfect at it? To be perfectly blunt, I think you might have a problem.”
“What, you think I’m a coupon addict? Ha! That’s ridiculous. I can quit any time I want.”
“Actually, Mom,” said Sweetie Belle, “I wasn’t going to say anything but I’m with Dad on this one. You do cut and sort a lot more of these than you actually use. I’ve seen your scissors levitating so often that I have dreams about it clipping coupons on its own.”
“Have you had that dream, too?” asked Hondo of his daughter.
“Well, you’re both wrong,” declared Cookie. “I don’t have a problem and that’s all there is to it.”
“Is that a fact now?” asked Hondo. “Care to put your savings where your mouth is?”
“What did you have in mind?”
Cookie stifled a gasp as Hondo levitated her three ring binder with nine-pocket pages, the kind made for collectible trading cards. The pages were filled with coupons, organized alphabetically by product name, then by bit value, then by expiration date. Hondo set the binder down by the edge of the table closest to Sweetie Belle and opened it to the first page.
“Now, Cookie, you do know that these things have a cash value of one-one hundredth of a cent, don’t you?”
“Of course I do.”
“Then you also know that I won’t be putting us in the poor house if I use a few of these to play a little game with Sweetie Belle.”
“Oh. Sure. G-Go right ahead. What kind of game did you have in mind? Is it like checkers – where the pieces are put back in their box neatly when it’s over? Those are fun. I like those.”
“Not exactly. Have a seat, Sweetie Belle.” The filly trotted closer to the table and climbed onto the chair in front of the binder. “I’m sorry to break the news to you, kiddo, but the mare I married has unwittingly created... The Couponomicon.” Sweetie Belle giggled at her father’s silliness. “She’s unleashed horrific, demonic savings on laundry detergent and dishwashing liquid and they won’t rest until they’ve destroyed life in Equestria as we know it.” Hondo used his magic to slip a coupon half way out of its pocket. “The only way to eliminate these unholy monstrosities is to cut their expiration dates clean off as they rise from their nine-pocket graves. If you’re not fast, they’ll slide back down again.” Hondo demonstrated this by quickly sliding the coupon back in.
“Ooh!” squeaked Sweetie Belle. “This is kind of like Thrash-A-Mole at the arcade!”
“Right! They don’t pop up for very long so you’ve gotta be fast. Are you up to the challenge?”
“You bet!” said Sweetie Belle as she levitated her mother’s emergency pair of safety scissors from her seat pouch. “Mom, are you sure you’re okay with this?”
“She's fine, sweetheart,” said Hondo. “Are you ready, baby?”
"Ready, Dad."
Cookie ground her teeth as she watched Sweetie Belle part the scissor blades. Sweat began to pour down her face as visions of cashiers refusing to take her taped up coupons danced in her head. Her heart began to beat faster and her breathing became ragged.
“Uhh... you’re not really gonna cut up my coupons, are you, hun?” asked Cookie, swallowing to moisten her dry throat.
“These aren’t coupons, mom,” said Sweetie Belle. “These are the undead... and I’m going to send them back to Tartarsauce.” Sweetie Belle wasn’t allowed to swear but she was permitted to use similar sounding alternatives to the actual swear words. Hondo began the game and Sweetie Belle giggled as she attempted to cut the coupons as they popped up and down.
Unwilling to allow harm to come to her innocent coupons, Cookie did a belly slide across the table, snatched the binder in her mouth and, as she slid off the table, performed a somersault worthy of an Equestria games gymnast. She clutched the binder to her chest, sat on the floor and spun around to hiss at her sadistic family members.
“Fine, you’ve proven your lousy point!” she shouted as she reared her head back and cried fountains of tears that shot outward from both of her eyes. “I have a problem! Are you happy now? Go ahead and pick on your daughter’s coltfriend all you want... but when he breaks up with her because of how gosh darned loopy you can be and she won’t talk to you anymore, don’t come whining to me!” Her paper babies were safe but the mistreatment they endured had left them in need of comfort. She rocked back and forth as she continuously smoothed her right forehoof in a circular motion along her binder’s cover.
“Geez Louise, Cookie,” said Hondo. “You make it sound like I’m gonna make the boy cry or something.” He turned to face Sweetie Belle. “Uh, sweetheart? Button isn’t prone to crying easily, is he?”
Sweetie Belle froze, remembering the time that, while out on a date, Button wept and called out for his mother because the ice cream shop was out of his favorite topping.
“Now that you mention it...” she said. “Oh, why would you want to give Button a hard time, anyway?” asked Sweetie Belle. “He hasn’t done anything to you.”
“I know that, honey,” said Hondo, “but I’m not the one to blame.” Hondo looked at Cookie who was still sitting on the floor. “Uh, dear? You can get up now. I won’t tease you anymore, I promise.”
“I would,” said Cookie, “but I think I pulled something. I’ll be fine in a minute.”
“If you’re not to blame, then who is?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“Why, your sister, of course,” stated Hondo.
“What does Rarity have to do with this?”
“In all the years that your sister lived at home, she never once brought a colt through our front doors.” Hondo propped his elbow on the table and supported his jaw atop his hoof. He opened one eye as he spoke his next words. “She did bring home plen-ty of mares, though.”
“Hondo Flanks,” said Cookie, “how dare you insinuate such a thing about our Rarity in front of her little sis? She’s just particular, that’s all. She likes those rich, classy, sophisticated stallions that live in Canterlot.”
“Snooty sissies, the whole lot of ‘em,” said Hondo with a disgusted snort as he levitated a generous quantity of cocktail peanuts from a bowl by the stove, shoved them into his mouth and started chewing. “She should settle down with a regular joe.” Particles of peanuts flew out of his mouth as he spoke. “You did... and you couldn’t be happier, right?”
Cookie blinked in response.
“Oh, yeah,” she said. “In fact, it’s days like these that I have to poke myself with my scissors to make sure that I haven’t died and gone to heaven.” She levitated her scissors to her flank and gave herself a light jab. “Nope, still alive.”
“In any case,” continued Hondo, “if Rarity had brought even one measly coltfriend home for dinner, I would’ve gotten this out of my system long ago and you would’ve been spared. As it turned out, she never did – and now Button has to pay the price for your sister’s pickiness. If I were you, I’d go to her house right now and air your grievances with her. Just make sure you knock before you enter, though; she might be busy 'entertaining' some mare guest when you stop by.”
Cookie levitated a cocktail peanut from the bowl and beaned her husband right between the eyes with it.
“What your father’s trying to say,” said Cookie, “is that he wants to do some long overdue male bonding with your coltfriend and that giving Button grief is a rite of passage for your father to come to terms with accepting another male into his herd, something which he wouldn’t stand for at all if he didn’t love you and trust your judgment.”
“Is that right, Dad?” asked Sweetie Belle
“It sounds so estrogen-y the way your mother puts it,” said Hondo, rubbing his forehead with his hoof. “But yeah, I guess that sums it up.”
“Awwww, that’s sweet... in a really strange way... but I still don’t want you to do anything embarrassing in front of him.”
“We’ll see, baby girl, we’ll see.”
“So tell us more about Button,” said Cookie. “Has he got his cutie mark yet?”
“No,” replied Sweetie Belle. “That’s how we got to talking. We had that in common. He’s still a little shy around me but I like that about him.”
“What tribe is he?”
“Earth pony.”
“Nice,” said Hondo. “Some of the all-time great hoofball players have been earth ponies. Does he play sports?”
“He might,” said Sweetie Belle. “I never asked.”
“Do I know his mother?” asked Cookie.
“I don’t know. I haven’t met her yet.”
“Has Button kissed you already?” asked Hondo.
“Daaaaaaad?”
“Whaaaaat? It’d go a long way toward making him squirm if I had that to work with.”
“You know what? Forget it. Forget the whole thing! I’m not bringing him anywhere near this house!”
“Aw, c’mon, Sweetie Belle! There’s no need to be upset.”
“Yes, there is! I never ask for anything around here and the one time I ask for a little respect – which costs absolutely nothing – you won’t give it to me. I love you guys and I really like Button and I want you all to get along… and...” Tears began to run down Sweetie Belle’s face and she ran into the living room and then upstairs from which the sound of a door opening and then slamming shut came. Sweetie Belle had presumably went to her room to sulk.
Cookie leered at her husband.
“Hon-doooo?” she said sternly. “I want to meet this colt. You go and apologize to Sweetie Belle right this instant and get her to bring him over for dinner or else.”
“Or else? What are you, seven? Or else what?”
“Or else I’ll show you that coupons aren’t the only thing I can cut.”
Hondo covered his snout with his forehooves.
“But I thought you liked my moustache,” he said.
“I do,” said Cookie.
“Oh. OH!!”
Hondo quickly walked out of the kitchen – backwards – and went upstairs to Sweetie Belle’s room. He gently knocked on the door.
“Sweetie Belle, it’s Dad. Can I come in?”
“It’s unlocked,” muttered Sweetie Belle. Hondo let himself in and took a seat on the floor by his daughter's bed.
“Okay, look, pumpkin, your mother’s not too thrilled with me right now… and I need to get out of the doghouse pronto. So… what if I paid you to bring Button over for dinner?”
“Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
"That's just sick."
"I know."
“How much would you pay me?”
“What would you say to… a week’s allowance?”
“If that’s your best offer, I think I’ll pass.”
“Two week’s allowance?”
“Get-ting warm-er...”
“Three week’s allowance?”
“Congratulations, Mr. Flanks, you’ve just bought yourself a dinner with Button... but if you scare him off, I get another three.”
“Six week’s allowance?! I could buy a colt on the black market for less than that!”
“I’ve got to have some kind of insurance that you won’t embarrass me out of a coltfriend. But if that’s too much to ask...”
“Okay, okay, three week’s allowance and three more if I scare him off... but if he goes home before we’ve had dessert and I’m not the one who scared him off, you get zilch. Deal?”
“Deal.”
Both father and daughter spat on their own hooves and bumped them together to make the agreement playground solid.
“NO SPITBUMPS IN THE HOUSE!” shouted Cookie from downstairs.
“Sor-reeee,” said Sweetie Belle and Hondo as they cowered.
“How did she even hear that?” whispered Sweetie Belle.
“I’m a mother,” said Cookie. “I’ve got eyes on the back of my head and ears on the back of my children’s heads.”
Sweetie Belle, being highly superstitious, reached behind her mane and tapped the back of her head to check if her mother was speaking literally or figuratively. Knowing her daughter as well as she did, Cookie thought she’d have a little fun at Sweetie Belle’s expense.
“Ow!” yelped Cookie. “Careful, Sweetie Belle!”
Sweetie Belle screamed in terror and then fainted.
“Hypocrite much, Cookie?” shouted Hondo.
“Hey, I never said we couldn’t mess with our own foal,” shouted Cookie.
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LOL LOVED IT! NEW CHAPTER PLZ!!!!!!
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Thanks to both of you. I get why someone would thumbs down my story but..who would take the time to thumbs down your comments?
Do I have a hater?
4530216 looks like it, well the best thing to do is thank them for there time and acknowledge those who like and conment on your story. You have an awesome start on this fic, keep it up friend! :)
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lol all I can say is that I agree with Noble Savage I couldn't have said a comment better
Like and fav for ButtonBelle, and great writing, too!
This is heartwarmingly cute!
I can't wait to meet the OCs.
And rip them a new one!
OMC (Oh my Celestia) your writing is hilarious. BTW did Cookie want to break Hondo's, well, d***?
.m8/m8 pony game nation (pgn) would r8 again m8