The Adventures of Cleansing Flame

by Fire_brand

Unrelenting Insanity

Journal: Well…it’s the middle of the night…and I’m terrified of sleeping right now. Every time I dream, I see the accident. More than that I see all the girls, mangled, shredded, lying in pools of their own blood. I don’t know how much more I can take before I break…I ‘m scared that I already have. More than that I’m scared of what these dreams will make me. I feel I have to hold on to each second, lest it slips away and I’m left all alone. Doctor Scans here in Derbyshire said I have PTSD, though he never said how to treat it.

As I finish writing I hear “Flame? What are ya doin up so early?”

I put away my journal and face Applejack “I couldn’t sleep, these nightmares…I thought I got rid of them years ago. I thought I had moved on.” I start crying “You know what the worst part is? You’re in these nightmares…every time…and I’m powerless to stop it. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me Applejack. The thought of losing you, even in a dream…I can’t stand it.”

I hear the sheets move then felt Applejack put her foreleg around me. “Ah’m not goin anywhere Flame. These nightmares yer havin, it’s just that…nightmares…they have no impact on reality unless ya let em.” She pulls my head up so she’s looking directly into my eyes “Ya have every reason to be scared. But it sounds like yer fear is startin to control ya.” With that she gives me a quick kiss “Yer the pony that refused ta let me an Rainbow Dash be taken as sex slaves. Ah know yer strong enough ta beat this.”

I grab the hoof on my face “Thanks Applejack, I needed that.” Now I give her a kiss and we go back to sleep.

In the morning, I look like I’ve been through a twister. My mane is messy as hay, I’ve got dark circles under my eyes, and my fur is matted in spots. This time Applejack and I woke at the same time. She took one look at me and pointed to the shower. The shower feels amazing; the warm water feels like its washing away the desperation I felt. As I step out of the bathroom, Applejack comments “Ya look much better now Flame. Still had those dreams?”

I nod while rubbing my neck “I don’t know if they’ll get any better.”

We leave the room as Applejack says “Are ya saying they could git worse? How in tarnation can it git any worse?”

Unfortunately I hear Fluttershy say “How can what get any worse? Did we miss something?” I turn to face her and see the girls standing there.

So ears splayed back I say “Nothing. Trust me when I say you don’t want to know.”

Now Pinkie says “Oh you mean like a secret? You can tell me! I won’t tell anypony”

“I’m sorry Pinkie, I won’t tell ya.”

“Oh come on! It can’t be that bad!”

“Believe me Pinkie, it is, and you really don’t wanna know.”

The next few days I can’t concentrate. It doesn’t matter what I do, I feel out of it. I blame the lack of sleep and the visions. I eat, watch pony racing, place a few bets, win and lose, I feel down. I hear the train and I’m back at the accident for a few minutes. I even think about a train and I have a lapse in consciousness. I can’t even concentrate on Applejack. I have no idea what’s going on. But I don’t want to bother the girls with this…I can’t…they don’t have to know…and I won’t tell them. Even worse is the fact that I can’t sleep. And the nightmares are getting worse, more vivid…I…I can’t take it. Every day I’m just angry, irritable, and sinking back into depression.

At the end of the third day, everything is going smoothly. We are heading back to our rooms. Twilight cheerfully says “Well today was fun! I can’t believe you won 1000 bits Flame!”

I’m just sour “Yeah…lucky guess.”

Rainbow then asks “What going on with you Flame? You’ve been kinda outta it for a few days now. You won bits by betting on Applejack to win! Applejack now has a Gold Medal, and all you can say is ‘Lucky Guess?!?!’”

I can feel my control starting to slip “You know, while all of you are simply out enjoying yourselves I’m dealing with some pretty serious issues here. In case you haven’t noticed I’m barely holding it together here. So how about you back down a little huh???”

Applejack starts pleading with me “Flame, please don’t do this. Please just let it go.”

I rub her head with my own “I’m trying Aj, I really am. But I’m not sure I can right now. But I’ll keep trying for you.”

Rainbow doesn’t let up “Oh you’re dealing with issues? I’m still reeling from when that gang tried to turn me into a sex slave, so don’t tell me to cool it.”

I look straight at Rainbow Dash, fire now in my eyes “You think that was bad? You have no bucking idea what I see and hear…every bloody day. You presume to know what I’ve been through, the horrors that I see every day and night, threaten to pull me back into a pit that I crawled out of years ago. So how about, YOU LEAVE ME THE HAY ALONE AND STOP TRYING TO GET IN MY HEAD!” This causes all six girls to splay their ears back and step away slowly.

At this I take a step back and run to the room, slamming the door. About 10 minutes later Applejack walks in the room. I can’t tell if she’s angry or sad. But I can tell she’s been crying. She looks straight at me with tears still in her eyes “Why did ya say that Flame? Ah asked ya not ta, ah begged ya not ta, but ya did anyway. Why did you yell at em? Just tell me that, why?”

I hang my head “You want to know why? I can’t give you an answer. I just… couldn’t keep it in. I don’t feel right anymore Aj. These visions and nightmares are threatening to consume me, and I…can’t…stop…it.”

Now Applejack sits next to me and puts her head on my shoulder “We’ll figure this out Flame. We can beat this, yer stronger than this.”

I give her a kiss and rub her cheek “I hope I am Aj.”

The next morning is not any better…if anything its, worse. I’m cranky from lack of sleep and every little thing seems to set me off. At this I’m forced back into my room to minimize the damage I can cause. The next hour I’m left alone to brood, and then the girls walk in. All of them look like they have something to say, but Twilight steps forward “Flame we’re pulling the plug on the journey. Not just for us but you as well. You’re not ok and we need to get you to Canterlot.”

My voice is dripping with venom as I say “You’re pulling the plug on my journey? What gives you the right to decide where I go and what I do! GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON WHY I SHOULD GO TO CANTERLOT AND STOP MY JOURNEY!”

Twilight gets in my face, her eyes full of concern and authority “You want one reason to go to Canterlot? How about for Applejack? She cares for you Flame, she’s worried sick about you. She’s scared you’re going to do something stupid and leave her. And in case you have forgotten…” Twilight spreads her wings out “I am a princess of Equestria! As such you are one of my subjects! Now I order you, for your own safety to go to Canterlot for help.”

I sigh loudly venom still in my voice “Fine, I’ll go, but on one condition, no trains. I will not get on another train and have a full mental breakdown.”

Rarity looks like she is going to start complaining, but the other girls stop her and Fluttershy says “Rarity, this is for Flame, even the Doctor said no trains. I know you don’t like dirt but we’ll visit the spa whenever we get into a town.” Rarity gives up but visibly pouts.

That day we set off backtracking to Canterlot on foot. Every day of the two month long journey is terrible. I’m on a downward spiral of anger and depression, with no end in sight. I constantly battle a hatred of the world with the overpowering sadness. At the beginning Applejack would at least try to help me. But slowly she stopped being helpful, stopped sleeping by me. By the end I can’t even get a hug out of her, much less a few words. All the while she looks like she’s holding something in, but I can’t tell what.

As we arrive in Dappleshore, Applejack pulls me aside. After a few minutes of no words she breaks the silence with a sadness that threatens to break her down to bawling “Ah’m sorry Flame, but ah can’t deal wit this no more. Ah tried ta help ya Flame ah really did, but ah have ta leave Flame. Yer not the same pony anymore, yer dead ta the world now, and ah can’t sit by when ya don’t even care enough ta help yerself.” I’m just sitting there, eyes glazed over. She starts crying “Ah’m not even sure yer hearing me Flame. Ah won’t watch ya go down this path anymore Flame, we’re done. Ah can’t stand by ya no more. Come find me in Ponyville if you ever return ta the pony ah fell in love with. Till then, ya won’t see me anymore, ah’m takin the next train to Ponyville.” She gives me one last kiss and leaves.

Even in my deranged state I knew what had happened, I just lost the best thing to ever happen to me. I want to cry out, I want to scream, but I can’t. All I can do is silently cry. I wander off and find the girls heading to the station. Twilight sees me, walks over and raises a hoof to hit me…only to lower it in frustration. She goes over to the girls and I hear her say “I’m staying with him; he’s in a state where he’s likely to hurt himself if left alone.” They say their goodbyes and Twilight walks back to me “Come on Flame, we got a long way to walk before we get to Canterlot.”

The trek to Canterlot from Dappleshore took roughly two and a half months. I don’t know how Twilight put up with me but she did. A few times she teleported away; only to return roughly an hour later. At this point my entire day is nothing but visions. I’m too tired to fight them anymore. I’ve broken down, an emotional wreck, I barely find the motivation to move each day. The only thing keeping me going is Twilight. She was right; if she wasn’t here I would have stopped in a ditch and let it end. But she kept pushing me forward.

As we enter Canterlot, Twilight immediately finds a guard and leaves me in his care before teleporting away. The guard tries to make small talk but immediately stops as he realizes how far gone I am. Sometime later, I don’t know how long…I stopped caring, Twilight returns with other ponies. I recognize them as multiple doctors, nurses, Celestia, and Luna. In my daze I really could care less. Immediately the doctors start talking and the Princesses are also conversing. After a time I can feel myself go slack as I’m levitated and moving. At this point I again lose consciousness. Maybe it’ll all end now, maybe it’ll finally be over.

But it wasn’t, I come to in a bed with one of the doctors and all three princesses in the room. Hazily I hear “Is he alright? Can he be helped Doctor?”

Another voice says “We believe he can be helped yes? What is wrong with him?”

Now I tilt my head and see the doctor say “He can be helped yes. But it will be a very long time before he’s ready to leave. PTSD has completely taken hold. Depending on him it could be years before he’s ready. It won’t be easy, but I can help him.”

Now the last voice speaks “Please do everything you can doctor, I will be paying his bill, do what you must. The pony locked away is still in there.”

From then on, every day the same doctor comes into the room and talks to me while the nurses take care of me. At first I block him out; I just want this to end. But after a month, he starts to break through to me, I finally respond and talk with him. Our talks continue for months, but always with the same questions. “How did I feel back then? What do I see on my visions and nightmares?” I always avoid answering those questions.

After a year, things are finally improving. I’m still not answering those questions but I am taking his advice. Finally, after my 15th month there, I break down and tell him everything. Every detail, every sight, every sound, and every little detail that happened on the day my parents died. I even tell him the aftereffects, and what happened during my depression back when I was 13. As I tell him, every feeling and emotion I had then, comes back to bite me in the flank.

After 18 months I’m finally stable enough to write letters to the girls. I don’t expect any responses but I send them anyway. I apologize to all of them, and I tell Applejack everything. I let it all out, how much I miss her, how much I think about her, how my therapy’s going, the details behind the crash, my visions, everything. After 2 years I finally feel some semblance of happiness again.

Finally, after 3 years...I’m good. The nightmares, gone…the visions, gone. My fear of trains, hatred of the world, and survivor’s guilt…are all gone. I’ve finally gotten over everything. After three years, I’ve grown out my mane and tail. Not much but each are about 1.5 hooves long instead of the hoof length they were before. I walk out of the hospital and shake the doctors hoof “Thank you, for not giving up on me Doctor. I was a serious pain in the flank, but I can’t say it enough, you saved my life Doctor Psyche, and I’ll never forget it.”

He gives me the kind smile I’ve grown to know “You’re welcome Cleansing Flame. So where are you going to go now? Are you going to resume your journey, or are you going to settle down somewhere?”

I smile back “I’m gonna go get my mare back, I can’t wait to see her. I can’t help but wonder how beautiful she’s gotten on me.”

Doctor Psyche just laughs “I bet, oh you may want this” As hand me my journal. I flip through the pages as easily find where my descent to madness begins, see just how bad I got, then the steady improvements I made. He asks “Are you going to tear those out? You nearly used three fourths the pages.”

I shake my head and store it in my saddlebags “I think I’ll keep them in. Thanks again Doc, I’ll be on my way now.”

As I turn around, I see Princesses Celestia and Luna walking this way. I bow as they approach. I hear Celestia say “Rise my little pony, are you feeling better now?”

I reply with a beaming smile “Much better now, thanks. And thank you Princess Luna for helping me to get over my nightmares, I know that must have been rough on you.”

Princess Luna responds “You are welcome, Cleansing Flame. We are glad we were able to help you in your time of need.”

Now Princess Celestia speaks “I’m just glad you’re over your condition. Now you can return to a happy life.”

I smile again “Yes I can, and this time I have no intention of losing grip on reality. I gotta run If I’m going to catch the train to Ponyville." I give them hugs as I say "Thank you for everything!”

I run full bore towards the station, barely having time to buy my ticket and get on. I’m ecstatic that I’m over my fear. There’s no shaking knees, no visions, and no loss of consciousness. I will admit I’m a little nervous but I’d rather be slightly nervous than having a nervous breakdown. I practically leap off the train and take in the town. Not much has changed. Same buildings, same shops, mostly the same ponies, there are a few new foals running around being foals but everypony is still here. I keep a low profile until I reach Sweet Apple Acres.

I wait around a while hoping to spot Applejack first. Luckily I see her coming out of the house. Dear Celestia I didn’t think it possible but Applejack became even more beautiful than before.. I just watch her for a bit, I’m glad she’s happy again. After a few minutes I build up my courage and call out to her “Hey Applejack!” She tenses up at first and nervously looks around, I see her loosen up when she sees me.

She says “Flame? Is that you?” almost tearing up.

“Aj, it’s me! I’m really back!”

We start off walking at each other, then trotting, then flat out running. As we’re about to collide we stop. Applejack feels my face for a bit before slugging me with all her strength, making me fall flat on my side. Before I can say anything Applejack says “That’s fer drivin me away with yer psychotic breakdown!” Then she hauls to my hooves “And this is fer comin back” as she pulls me into the deepest kiss I ever imagined. We only stop to come up for air.

Before she can speak I say “I’m sorry I hurt you, but you’re the only reason I was able to pull through and get better. Please take me back; I’ll never hurt you again.”

She smiles as she says “Ya bet yer flank ah’m takin ya back. Ah didn’t wait three years for ya just ta turn ya down now.” The rest of the day was me meeting Applejack’s family, and reuniting with the rest of the girls. To me, it doesn’t matter where we go, I’m just happy to be with her again. The day ended with me and Applejack locked in each other’s embrace in her bed.

Author's Note:

Let me know how I did with handling the PTSD basket case. I tried to speed it up without rushing it. Comments encouraged

Comments

[Bateman66]

The plams is strong in this story!

[Fire_brand]

4586155 you're right. I just went back and fixed that, hopefully I didn't miss any tree library spots

[Old Diggy]

4581825 Plam? PLAM!? PLAAAMMM!?!?!?!?!?!?
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What's a Plam?

[Bateman66]

4586437 There's this youtube poop subculture who solely make edited videos of a certain English poet named Michael Rosen (he's my profile pic). A common phrase from his edited poem videos is: "when I was six I ate a bag of plums!" But with his cockney accent, it sounds like he's saying "plams".

The base use of the word has been the substitute for several different nouns in these youtube poop videos. Thus, I used "plams" as a substitute for "The Force". Very straightforward and logical (not).