Starswirl the Short-sighted

by Tired Old Man

3. Starswirl the Karmic

3. Starswirl the Karmic

~Starswirl~

This morning felt more sluggish than usual. Probably because Queen Aura’s words still hung dryly in my head like a slap to the face.

Actually, no. It wasn’t that. My head just felt heavier today. I wasn’t sure why, but I figured it was karma’s way of telling me I needed to fix the problems I started so far.

Breakfast came first, though. As I exited my room, a maid was happily dusting outside my doorway. She gave me a rather peculiar look, one conveying equal notes of shock, horror, and… laughter?

As I rounded the corner, I heard actual laughter echo behind me.

Odd. Very… very odd.

The kitchen was on the other side of the throne room in another hallway. As I crossed the threshold, Tidus and Aura came from the other hallway, smiling and laughing about something as they approached.

Both of them stopped and gave me the exact same look the maid did. What is with everypony today? I only just woke up, and all I’ve been getting are strange looks!

Their lips cracked into a barely audible snicker as they covered their mouths with a hoof.

I shook my head. “Good morning, King Tidus. Queen Aura.”

“G-good morning, Starbeard--I mean, Swirl. Starswirl,” King Tidus said, still trying to contain his laughter. Horribly, I might add.

I tilted my head to the side. “Starbeard?”

“Star… Starswirl, have you looked in a mirror this morning?” Queen Aura asked, also badly containing her laughter.

“I haven’t,” I said, my head only tilting further to the side. “Why?”

“D-Down the hall and to the left. Second door on your right. You might--” she repressed another laugh “--want to get cleaned up.”

Fear rose within me. Oh gods, do I look hideous? I didn’t sleep on the wrong side of the bed, did I? I mean, sure, I felt tired even waking up this morning, but I never even checked to see how I looked in my room before leaving!

I ran past the two of them and down the hall, following Aura’s instructions to the letter. What awaited me was a small washroom for the servants, but it was also available to the general public that visited during the day. It was still early in the morning, so I expected nopony to be in there.

I opened the door and--POOF--a bowl of flour toppled onto my head, coating my head with white. I sneezed. Again. And again.

My nose cleared, I approached the window… and promptly screamed until my mouth was bone-dry.

Back when I was a traveling magician in a humble caravan, my travels took me to all sorts of cultured places. One such venue was in the Far East of Equestria, and it was there that I was exposed to highly refined culture, where the mares would wear many layers of makeup on their face. It was meant mostly as a symbol of purity and unparalleled beauty. White powdered faces, eyeliner, eyeshadow, lipstick, and even their manes were done up in well-crafted buns.

Take that, and have the same kind of style of makeup done by a young filly, with the addition of them braiding my beard into a heart shape and filling it with glitter.

Okay, the beard wasn’t so bad actually. BUT STILL!

I took a deep breath, licked my lips, and called out the names of the ones responsible.

~~~

“Tidus, do you still think he’ll last three days?”

“Initially, yes. Now? I’m not so sure. Why do you ask, honey?”

“Well… I may have added more fuel to their fire…”

“…you didn’t--”

“LUUUUNAAAA! CELESSSSTIAAAA!”

“You did.”

~Celestia~

Meanbeard’s voice rung throughout the castle. Luna and I could no longer hold in our laughter around the corner nearest the bathroom.

Although when we heard the door slam open, both of us hushed as we saw him exit the bathroom. He looked… different from last night. His face was white, but we didn’t do anything like that to him. I definitely don’t remember us using that much powder on him.

But his stance looked furious, and when he saw our heads sticking out from the corner, I only had one clear thought: RUN!

My sister and I tore down the hallway before flapping our wings to gain height as Meanbeard gave chase.

“Get back here this instant!”

“No way, Meanbeard! You deserved this!” Luna shouted. I turned my head and blew a raspberry at him.

That’ll teach you, you mangy old--

“Tia, look out!”

I turned my head forward, and met the wall.

I saw hundreds of stars… and then the floor. Then more stars. It was so pretty.

And then I saw Meanbeard, and all the stars fled.

I rolled to my hooves and tried to flee, but he grabbed me by the tail.

“Where do you think you’re going, missy?” He asked, muffled by his teeth and my tail hair.

“F-Far away from here!” I squealed.

“Fat chance!” He began to tug.

My hooves scraped against the carpet as I tried to free myself, but Meanbeard wouldn’t let go. I could feel a bit of my hair coming loose as he held firm.

“Hey Meanbeard!”

He whipped his head around, and another pie flew toward us both. He released his grip on my tail and deftly dodged the pie.

“Hah! You’re not going to get me with that again!”

I didn’t hear anything else he had to say, because Luna and I booked it while he was distracted. We ran as fast and as far away from Meanbeard as we could.

~Starswirl~

Unbelievable! Those two gave me the slip!

Steam vented from my nose as I paced the floor about me in circles.

Ooh, those two are going to GET it when I find them! And I’ll find them eventually!

As I continued to pace, glitter fell away from my beard, and soon enough I was walking in a ring of the stuff. I looked down, and the glitter reminded me of the root problem. I still looked like a colt in drag and clown makeup.

With the prettiest beard.

I huffed and stomped back to the bathroom. Of course, it was occupied by one of the servants. But they were in the stall, so as long as I cleaned up quickly, it wouldn’t matter.

“Wow, the nurse was right! Taking a crap IS easier now!” came a familiar voice from yesterday.

...Swirl, find another bathroom. NOW!

I raced out the door in a flash. I didn’t even care about the noise I made when I slammed into it.

That probably scared the crap out of him… WHAT AM I THINKING?!

I didn't care if I found a formal washroom anymore. I just needed a sink, and this wing of the castle had a kitchen.

I'm probably going to either scare the chefs or earn more laughter, but I don't care at this point.

The makeup had to go. Retracing the layout of the castle in my mind, I quickly ran to the kitchen.

Of course, there were two chefs working. Both of them screamed and ran off instantly. I hated ruining their day like this, but it wasn't like my day was going to improve continuing to look like a rejected children's toy.

I don't remember how long I scrubbed at my face. Ten, twenty minutes? However long it took to get every speck of powder and paint off my face, I did it.

The glitter was the hardest part. Most of it was thickly buried in my short black beard, and would still glimmer whenever any light struck it. I picked out all I could find, but I knew I didn't get it all out. It would have to do, though, until I went back to my room and took a fine-toothed comb to it.

My stomach growled as I rinsed my face one last time for good measure. In my rage, I completely forgot about my hunger. A few assorted vegetables sat in a bowl on the counter nearby. Probably for the afternoon salad. They won’t notice a carrot or two missing from it… I hope.

Roughly cleaned and fed, I exited the kitchen, eager to resume my hunt for the two pesky fillies.

Hold on a sec. Remember what happened yesterday?

I stopped and recalled getting reamed by Aura for doing this exact same thing again. I didn't want an encore performance. But then how was I going to find them?

Then it hit me. Entertainment, she had said. That's what they want, and what they'll enjoy.

When one grows tired of stumbling into traps, start making your own.

A somewhat-devilish grin spread on my face. I had some preparations to do.

~Luna~

"I-Is it safe yet?"

"We haven't heard Meanbeard yell at us for over an hour, sister."

"And that's what worries me, Lulu!"

I rolled my eyes. "Tia, he won't find us in the broom closet. Nopony finds us here but the maids."

"What if Meanbeard asked the maids where we like to hide though? You don't think they'd squeal on us, right?"

"They haven't when we played with mom and dad, Tia. What makes you think Meanbeard is different?"

"Because he's Meanbeard."

I blinked, then sighed. "Tia, I hate you sometimes."

I slowly opened the door and craned my head outward. Flicking back and forth, I saw nopony.

“We’re clear… for now.”

I looked back to Tia, and saw a few tiny legs sticking out of her mane. I grinned.

Sorry sister, but I have to do this.

“Tia, you’ve got something in your mane.”

“Ooh, is it dust again?” She shook her head, freeing the spider buried in her mane and landing square on her nose.

“Worse.”

“Eeeek! Get it off get it off get it off!” She began frantically running around in circles. The spider was holding on for dear life.

I fell to my back, rolling and laughing all the while as my older sister panicked.

“Lulu, help me! Please!” She said as tears began to flow from her eyes.

I kept laughing for a little bit longer until I had to catch my breath. Then I rose to my hooves and held her firm.

“Okay, okay. Hold still, alright?” She meekly nodded.

Sheesh, I can't believe she's still scared of spiders.

My horn glowed, and I slowly lifted the spider up and away from her face before setting it on the floor. It quickly scurried away.

“There, better?”

“Y-Yeah. Thanks, Lulu.”

I smiled, this time earnestly. “You’re welc--”

Suddenly, both of us heard brass horns echo from outside. Drums and other instruments soon played along.

“Tia, what’s that?”

“I don’t know, Lulu, but it sounds like fun!”

She ran off toward the sound, but I was skeptical.

This HAS to be one of Meanbeard’s tricks!

“Tia, wait!” I called after her, but she ran too far down the hall to hear me. I growled before chasing after her.

Argh, if my stupid sister gets caught again, she's going to owe me ice cream when I save her tail!

~Starswirl~

"Come one, come all! Come to the show of Starswirl the Sorcerer!"

Swirl, you're only doing this just to catch two fillies.

And yet, a crowd began to form within the gardens as servants and guards gathered around my stage. Murmurs began to form in the crowd as they anticipated some of my famous magic tricks.

"Ooh, I can't wait to see his Fire Whip Spectacle!"

"Please, the Locked Room Escape is his best trick yet."

Whew, am I glad to see that my reputation wasn't damaged.

"Is he going to do the Sawbox trick again?"

"Naw, he doesn't have the balls. Not since the queen volunteered for it over in Manehatten."

Nevermind. I forgot that trick is infamous now.

"Alright, everypony settle down. The show will begin in just a few minutes."

At that, I saw the first of my targets trot through the crowd, which parted like a mythical sea to make room for the princess. Luna followed shortly after, giving me the stink-eye as she took a seat next to her sister.

Ignore it, Swirl. Remember that they're children.

I nodded to acknowledge them both, and as I raised my head, I saw Tidus and Aura watching from the back of the crowd. They both smiled, and Tidus motioned a hoof to urge me onward, eager to see what I had in store.

Well then, I won't disappoint them.

I walked behind the curtain, and donned my cloak and star-spangled hat. Old and worn from long periods of use, yet iconic of my Sorcerer name.The dust on them, I've found, adds an extra bit of authenticity to my image.

Kids won't want to see some dusty old clothing, though. They like color, not age.

I groaned. Luna and Celestia were my targets, and the first thing they'd see is something dull and dirty if I walked onstage like this.

A flash of silver from my horn shook away the years of accumulated dust from my stage uniform, revealing the deep midnight-blue hue. Lighter blue stars decorated the cape and hat, completing the ensemble that is my stage uniform of older, better days. Much better days than what I'm doing now, at least.

Or so you think, Swirl.

I couldn't help but crack a smile at the stray thought. How could these be better days when the past two have been fraught with nothing but grief and agony?

Because you're making them happy. Isn’t that all that matters?

I stopped at the curtains, recalling my mentor’s words from a time long ago.

Yes… yes it does… and it took me these children to see that again.

My smile at its widest, I burst through the curtains with flair.

“Welcome, fillies and gentlecolts, to the show of Starswirl the Sorcerer!”

Comments

[SpitFlame]

If they make this canon in season 5, that would be awesome.

[zernoc56]

Headcanon Updated: Trixie Lulamoon comes from a long line of illusionists and stageponies, beginning with Starswirl the Sorcerer. Also, starry capes and hats are a tradition in this line as well.

[Boulder]

Me thinks Lulu has played a spider prank or two on Tia before and after this event.
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