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1. Starswirl the Prankee (revised)3,203 words
2. Starswirl the Heavy-hoofed (revised)3,310 words
3. Starswirl the Karmic2,404 words
4. Starswirl the Snowman3,316 words
5. Starswirl the Sous-chef4,366 words
6. Starswirl the Scrubber3,675 words

6. Starswirl the Scrubber

Starswirl the Scrubber

I once thought the intense cold of the North stung the hardest.

No longer. I could safely say that Winter's hoof was the most formidable force of nature I had ever felt upon my face. And she didn't even hit me with everything she had. She didn't need to.

Luna and Celestia weren’t any help either. They just smiled that wicked smile of theirs and turned around to pretend as if nothing happened! Just when I thought I was getting through to them, they turn around and prove their worth as the little deviants I knew from the first day onward.

Can’t blame them for being consistent.

As much as I wanted to exercise some proper payback, I had a new problem on my hooves, and it was one I had brought upon myself. I should have seen it coming, honestly. Lies tended to come full-circle; it was just a matter of when they came.

"Seriously, taking those two on a field trip outside the castle?! Are you mad, Starswirl?" Winter huffed.

"No! I just thought they needed something to distract them from the fact that their parents left last night!" I retorted as I rubbed my rapidly reddening cheek.

"That doesn't mean the first thing you should do is take them outside the walls the second their mother and father are gone!"

"Well, what else am I supposed to do? They're clearly not in the mood for lessons, so I'd rather just give them a day of fun instead! Is that so hard to do in this castle without these two getting in trouble all the time?”

Winter searched for a response, but conceded my point by throwing her head to the side.

Starswirl: 1 Winter: 1

“Hey!” Luna’s voice broke our engagement as we turned our heads to face her and Celestia.

“What are you two doing out here anyway? Didn’t I tell you two to go get your things for the trip?” I asked.

"We were! But you said to bring a big ball, and I left it in Rampart's cage," Celestia said.

"Rampart?"

"The rhino?"

"It's a pet?!"

"You didn't know it was a pet?" Winter asked.

"Why did you think it wasn't?" Luna added.

I really hoped it wasn't.

"I thought it would be a one-time thing!"

I sighed, and gathered myself. Okay Swirl, rhino attacks may happen more often than once in your lifetime. No big deal. Just need to be more careful wandering the hallways. Not a problem at all.

"Nevermind. What happened in that cage? We heard a scream earlier."

"That was me," Celestia answered. "We kind of made Rampart angry snooping around looking for the ball."

"Angry? Are either of you hurt?"

"Luna got hit, but I'm fine."

In a flash, Winter moved next to Luna. "Sorry to intrude, princess, but I need to check for any injuries." Luna at first resisted, but nodded, and Winter set to work.

"I see." My gaze returned to Celestia. "Well, at least you two are still alive. Thank the gods for that."

Still baffling they survived a rhino, though. Then again, that one pony took it to his rump and lived, and seemed to be better off for it… I think.

Never discuss him again.

Winter finished her assessment. “Looks like you’re fine, Luna. Nothing more than some bruises near the base of the wings, surprisingly.”

“Whew, in that case, so long as we’re careful the trip to th--” I cut myself short as she returned her burning gaze to me.

“You are not taking these two outside these walls!”

“Oh yeah? And who’s gonna stop me?”

“Why you…! If the king and queen were here, I’d--”

I grinned, and she her words caught in her throat. “They’re not. Therefore, field trip. One way or another, they’re going.”

Winter looked over at Luna and Celestia, and I swore the pouty faces they gave her would melt her clean into her last name. She sighed, slumping her shoulders in defeat. However, she still had a tinge of defiance left as she looked upon me not with rage, but with bitter curiosity.

“Fine. You insist on taking these two out? I can’t stop you, but the guards can. Exactly how do you plan on getting those two outside the castle? The guards on the ground have strict orders to keep them within the walls at all times, and the pegasi patrolling the skies ensure they don’t fly off either!”

Have I made any progress on that problem? ...Nope, still haven't.

“I… will admit I didn’t think that far when I first told them about it."

"What?! You mean you promised us a trip outside when you don't even have a way for us to leave?"

I sighed. "Yes, Luna. I did, but that doesn't mean I'm going back on my promise now."

C'mon, Starswirl, think! There has to be something I can do to get them past the guards without them being spotted. Invisibility's out of the question, and any container big enough to hold a filly they'll probably search thoroughly. So... how?

"...well, there is one way..."

Celestia and Luna's gaze diverted away from me, and onto Winter.

"Winter, you have something in mind?" I asked.

"Well, I'm not really sure if this will work, but if you really want to, then..."

"Yes. I'll take whatever chances I need to."

She approached me and whispered into my ear. As she explained her idea, my mouth opened, widened, then I clenched my teeth into a smile. A wider smile. My eyes fell to the princesses, looks of anxiety clear on their faces.

I like--no, I love this plan.

~~~

"Do you ever get the feeling you're being watched?"

"What kind of question is that? We're the castle gate guards. If we don't get looks, that worries me more."

My companion sighed. "You know what I meant."

"No, I don't. What were you driving at?"

"Ugh, you're such a thickhead, Brick. I was trying to say that something just... feels wrong today."

I raised an eyebrow before chuckling. "Check your straps. You probably did them too tight again."

"Not my armor! I mean, can't you feel it in the air?"

"Like I said, check your straps. You're probably have a hard time breathing, and it's causin' all these loose thoughts in your head right now."

"No no! I mean, it just feels different now that the king and queen are gone."

I shook my head. Rookie.

"You get used to it. We perimeter guards don't get to see the king and queen often. But we don't let that bother our jobs none."

"I know, I know. It's just, that's the first time I've seen them so close."

I looked at her quizzically for one second before laughing. "Hah! Don't tell me you were smitten with the king!"

"No! Are you crazy? I wouldn't dare!"

"You best not. Tidus may not lift a hoof often in discipline, but believe me when I say that when he lifts, he hits. Hard." I tapped my armor in various places, each spot carrying a dent or divot. "This is his hoofwork."

"Whoa." She was genuinely surprised. "The king did that?"

"Yep. He was right mad that day. About what, I dared not ask. It was neither my place to nor a wise idea."

"Then why did he hit you?"

"Not me. Just my armor. After what he did to it, I'm thankful that I wasn't in it."

I brushed away a bit of dirt near my hooves. "I can't say I didn't know what caused his anger, though."

"You knew?"

I chuckled. "No, but I had a good idea. He smelled of sugar, and his movements were a bit more rigid than usual."

"Hmm... Syrup?" I nodded. "Wow, how much?"

"Hmph, enough to cover up that foul breath of his."

Suddenly, our conversation was interrupted as Starswirl and one of the servants approached. Both of them were carrying a rucksack on a stick, and the servant two more saddlebags on her sides.

Oh, this is gonna be good.

"Afternoon, Starswirl! Still alive in the castle, I see."

He shrugged. "What can I say? Your little warning a few days ago had some merit to it."

"Right. And who's your little marefriend there? Already flirting with the staff, Starswirl?"

"Excuse me, but we're not like that! Not even close!" the servant retorted.

I shrugged, but I still had a job to do. "If you insist, lady. But enough banter. I'm going to have to check those bags."

"Yeah... you might not want to do that."

I narrowed my eyes. "...Starswirl, are you telling me to not do my job?"

"No. I'm just giving you a warning. I took yours to heart, and I'm just hoping you'll do the same."

"Advice does not outweigh a direct order from the king, Starswirl. Place your bags on the ground and step away from them."

He smirked. "If you insist." Both he and his companion set their bags down and stepped away.

Okay, there's definitely something fishy going on here. If he's trying to do what I think he is, there's no way I'm letting him through.

"Recruit, check the small bags. I'll check the larger ones."

There had to be something to this. He's a magician, so surely he's pulling some ridiculous trick right now. But I saw no illusion field anywhere, and as my eyes darted to the bushes near the gates, I detected no movement.

Maybe there is nothing. Still, time to check these ba--

As I opened one, my thoughts froze in place as a concentrated odor flooded my nose, eyes and face completely. It was like the king's breath, only multiplied in strength a hundred-fold.

"Ye gods!" was all I could scream before I fell back, clutching my face in my hooves.

The recruit dragged me away. I could feel her hooves on me, pulling me away before her voice became defensive. I'm thankful my ears still worked.

"What did you do to him?!"

"I warned him not to check, but he insisted."

"Then what's in those bags?!"

"Tartarus Radishes, miss," came a different feminine voice, most likely the maid's. "They're the king's favorite snack, and unfortunately these have spoiled. The stench only goes stronger the longer they sit, so we're dumping them outside the castle grounds."

This explained a lot of things to me. I had always wondered what had irritated me whenever the produce vendor came by, and now I knew. Still, to think the king could eat those bedeviled things!

The burning sensation in my face soon subsided, allowing me to stand. I knew my face was red, but I didn't care. As soon as I stood, the recruit turned to face me.

"Brick, sir, are you alright?"

"I'm fine." I shook my head a bit to clear some of the numbness from my cheeks. "It... It seems you had made your point, Starswirl. Those are plenty rotten, and I won't check them again."

I reached for my spear leaning against the gate, and tapped it on the ground. "You may pass."

I still had my eyes closed, but I could sense the smile on his lips. "Thanks... Brick, was it?"

"Yes, now go! I have a face to mend, you know."

"Very well. Come, Winter. The sooner we dispose of these, the better."

That was the last I heard of him as he walked past us. I swear he swung the bag of radishes near my face, but with my eyes still recovering, I couldn't be sure.

"Um... sir? You could have had me check the bags."

I turned my head toward her. "And subject you to that torture? Why on earth would I do that?"

"Well, they just didn't bother me as much as you. And you insisted on checking those."

I groaned, and finally managed to open my eyes. As I did, I heard a deafening crunch as the recruit bit into a sandwich.

"...what are you eating?"

"Cucumber sandwich. And it's delicious! The maid gave one to me before she left, saying she had made a ton of these in the kitchen!"

I saw the look in her eyes. She wanted to get some more. I shrugged. "Go on, get some more. Bring me a few as well."

"Of course, sir!" she said as she ran off on three legs, sandwich still in hoof.

~Starswirl~

Dear gods, that actually worked!

As soon as we were clear of the guards, I gasped for air. Despite everything, I found it hard to breathe as we snuck Luna and Celestia out of the castle walls, neatly tucked into the bags with the radishes. It was an insane gambit, but I was fairly certain the only one more insane than us was the king for eating them.

“I can’t believe that worked.”

"You can't? Even though you took a point-blank radish scent to the face?"

I didn't hide my smirk. "Well, I had doubts in that the guard would still see Luna, but I had complete faith in its success the second he collapsed."

She smiled, but that faded to a concerned look. "Glad you thought my plan worked... but..."

"But what?"

"Well, how are we going to get them back in?"

She didn't think this through all the way either? That makes two of us.

"I'll think of something. Don't worry."

~~~

After the brief exchange at the gate, Winter and I made our way to the lake just outside the town. The thick tree borders of the Everbound took some time to walk through; the path through them twists and turns more than the steepest mountain pass. It’s a wonder in and of itself that trade caravans even make it through these woods.

Not really. The king and queen live here. They make it somehow, some way. These radishes exist, remember?

I hear a cough come from Winter’s bag. Celestia couldn’t hold it, which made me fear for Luna. I hadn’t heard a peep from her ever since we left the woods.

“Is this a good spot?” Winter asked as she pointed at a lone tree on a hill overlooking the lake.

“It’s perfect,” I replied. “But first…”

I set my sack down and opened it. Careful to keep my face away, I dumped the contents out on the grassy field. Luna tumbled out amid the mini avalanche of radishes, and the first thing she did was run away from them as she gasped for air.

I couldn’t repress my laughter. This was the best thing that happened to me this week by far.

Winter did the same with her bag, and Celestia rolled out and sprawled out on the grassy field, also gasping for air. She didn’t run off like her sister, however.

My laughter refused to cease. I could barely hear Winter's giggles over my own voice.

A full minute passed before I found myself gasping for breath like the sisters. Luna had gotten her second wind first, and began to speak.

"Never again! We will never do that again, right sister?!" Celestia, still getting her wind, meekly nodded in response.

"I... I imagined as much," I managed to croak out.

I looked away from the gasping princesses and saw Winter near the tree, setting the saddlebags down at the base and starting to unpack them. She brought all the things one would expect of a picnic: cloth, napkins, plates, and of course the sandwiches. She set them out with unbridled dexterity and swiftness, entrancing me with her fluid movement.

A white hoof waved in front of my face. "Yoohoo, Starswirl!" I snapped my gaze downward to see Celestia, mostly recovered and stinking of radishes. "So, where's the lake?"

"Yes, where is it? I really must wash this awful smell out of my mane," Luna added behind me.

"Right. Come along, you two. It's just over the hill where Winter is setting up for the picnic."

Our walk was quick, but not silent. They still kept coughing from the cloying odor; the cost of a foolproof escape certainly isn't clean.

And there it was: Lake Meade. The water was clean and clearer than a cloudless sky. One could easily see the bottom; I briefly wondered if moonlight gave the same clarity.

I'll pen that into my schedule later. Could be worth a lesson.

The shores were mostly empty, though well-worn from many a hoofstep. Local fauna treated it as a watering hole; a few deer could be spotted nearby partaking in the lake's bounty.

I looked back to Celestia and Luna. They absorbed the surroundings, though probably without as much awe as I expected. That was understandable; they still stunk, after all.

"Can we please go in the lake?" Luna asked, her eyes pleading.

"Go on, I'll watch from the sh--"

Before I finished, two blurs shot past my peripherals toward the lake. The deer fled to the forest at the sound of stamping hooves as Celestia and Luna raced to the lake.

I’ll bet this is the most desired bath of their lifetime.

With a definite splash, the sisters leaped into the water without further delay. Seconds passed before they resurfaced, smiles on their faces as the radish scent washed off of them.

Almost. They dove in again after I saw their noses wrinkle, and I suppressed a chuckle or two.

I hope Winter packed a bar of soap, or else these two will be a while.

"Those two are having fun, aren't they?"

I jumped at her voice. "What? Oh, yes. 'Fun' is an interesting word to use given how desperate they're cleaning themselves right now."

"They do know that rinsing won't completely get rid of the smell, right?"

I shrugged. "I know that. Not sure if they do, but it's funny to see them panic like this."

Not that I need a reminder. It happened not even a half-hour ago.

“So, how was your swim?”

"It was terrible! I still stink!" Luna yelled.

"Me too! Starswirl, can't you do anything?" Celestia whined.

I could. Cleaning magic does exist for Unicorns; I learned it soon after earning my first tomato to the face after I botched my very first magic act. But it's not perfect, and doesn't beat a bath in terms of cleanliness.

Do you really want to hear them complain for this entire trip?

I didn't. "Well, I do know a spell that will help... but you're not going to like it. Are you sure you want to learn it?"

"If it gets rid of this smell, then yes!" Luna said.

Is that desperation I hear? How quickly the tables turn when the filthy wish to be clean.

"Very well. First, think back to the levitation spell. Remember the aura the spell projects onto an object?" They nodded. "Good. Now, try to imagine that aura as a fine brush to your coat, one that grabs every speck of dirt caught in it down to your skin."

I focused magic in my horn, and created a cloud of grey magic. It bristled to life with thin, semi-translucent fibres extending outward from the aura; a surefire sign the spell was successful. I brought it down upon my head slowly, and watched the two fillies gasp as it enveloped my face and body.

Tingly was a good way to describe the feeling. Ticklish too, but just a bit. I couldn't resist smiling as the tiny flecks of dirt trapped within my coat were cleanly freed as they floated within my aura.

The tail's the best part for me. It just feels so thorough as the bristles lightly tug at the hairs, untangling any errant strands as they clean.

When the spell was finished, it had a small mass of dirt inside with some very shiny specks of glitter that I missed when I groomed my beard.

I neatly dropped the clump to the ground, released my magic, and returned my gaze to a jaw-dropped Celestia and Luna. The next two words out of their mouths made me feel all gooey inside.

"Teach us."

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