Fire Mane's Changed Adventures:

by Ponyess

A New Friend is a Friend Too: 1

Author's Note:

Fire Mane's POV

I still do recall leaving my home in Cloudsdale, it was just a week ago, I had said my fair wells to mother Easy Breeze.

Leaving my parents' home, in search for myself and my own home had been easy, exciting at first. Only a few days later it had sunk in, just how hard my adventure really was in the first place.

Finding myself, is more than merely finding a home. I need a place to call my own, and a job to be proud of. For some reason, weather duties wasn't sounding overly exciting in my ears.

I had been born a black Pegasus, my mane is a fiery red, it always had been. A rather long tuft of hairs falling down in my face, with only my ears to hold it in place. My deep blue eyes lightening up the looks of a night sky, even when I do smile, which I had a pension for, in part because I had a sense of who actually was my friend in the first place.

As it turned out, I had been flying towards Ponyville and came close to the forest. The Everfree forest, nonetheless, of all forest I could approach.

My teacher had told me that I can't know myself if I didn't challenge my abilities. I guess it is why I had failed to realise, what was about to happen. I'm landing just outside of the dark and forbidding forest. Why ever in the name of Celestia and Luna would I possibly go down this close to a place like this. Normally I wouldn't chance it, it isn't the place any pony would even fly over, by the tales I've heard. Short of the Apples, who practically lives in the forest.

What shocked me is what came from just behind the next large boulder, behind a few more trees just inside of the forest. At first it was but a whine out of pain, then I thought there was a pony, but realised I had been entirely wrong on the presumptions here. Yet, the feel of pain persisted, so if it isn't a pony, maybe it was just an injured critter, and I could as well take a few more steps and see who or what was hiding behind the boulder.

Intermittently casting weary glances right and left, trying to predict where my threat could come from, and what they would be, but thankfully found none at this point. Pointing one ear towards the one I was trying to save, while the other scanned for unexpected noises, just as wearily as my eyes, darting back and forth. I may be an adventurer right now, but it didn't make me into an unfazeable hero who death-defiantly moved through untold dangers.

Naturally, unless I turned back I'm bound to see who was hiding behind the boulder, and that's where I had just ended up. What I see is something not too unlike a pony, but something was off with her. Then I realised what it is I have before my eyes, a Changeling. Alone and lost, she didn't pose a threat, so I could safely approach.

For a moment I was close to burst out laughing, I had a Changeling before me, after all the excitement and turmoil I had gone though, on my way as I investigated what I was doing here in the first place. This forest isn't the place where you leave your fillies or colts, it is the place you leave behind.

She had apparently made a few more whinnies and moaned in pain as I make the final few steps up to her, where she lay on the ground. Yet I couldn't quite stop a small smile of amusement from touching my lips, as I look at the creature I had before me. She may look like it, but apparently she isn't actually a pony, no more so, then a Zebra or Donkey, though our history had made us wary of her, and her kind after Chrystalis mistake to attack Canterlot and the wedding between Cadence and Shining Armour.

Since I'm not a mare comfortable seeing anyone in pain, I have to make a choice at this point, either I run off the fastest I could, or I tried to do something for her, where she lay. If I failed, I would have to find someone else capable of helping her. Since she is a Changeling, I have no idea where I would ask. The one Pony I knew of, willing to try would be Flutter Shy, since it is her part to help any and all critters already.

I had invested too much time to just run off, and she did not seem to present any threat at this point, so I step up, looking closer at her. What else am I to do?

As I look at her, I could see she tried to hold on to the image she had been trying to make, but the time faded away and her regular pony form melted away. The flank I could see is littered with scrapes and bruises, just as I could see more of these on the rest of her black body. What made me wince is the deep gush on her flank. Thankfully, none of the wounds are fatal of their own, but wounds had a tendency to mount up.

As I looked closer still, listening in on hear breathing and heart my mane slipped down onto her neck, and this is when I was hit by the worst shock yet. Not so much a scare, but the way it hit me like a bolt of lightning from a clear sky. How does one prepare to learn something so unexpected about one's self? Even if it clashed with a reference to Luna, or more precise in her dark, grievous and scary form of Nightmare.

What my shock told me about her was less of a problem, even if I may not have believed her, had she just told me up front.

Comments

[Perteks]

I'm born a black Pegasus with a fiery red mane

uhhhhh.....

[Lord Sunder]

Well, this was basically word salad. I think you really, really need to brush up on your English grammar and sentence structure before you write your next flash in the pan story. I mean, the sentences don't flow together at all, and it just feels chunky and ugly to read when you're not utterly mangling English tenses or creating sentences that are more confusing than enticing. And as I said, sadly a lot of it is just word salad. The only thing you can really do to fix this is to learn your English better. This is, of course, assuming you are learning English as a second language, because that's what this resembles. If you aren't... well, you look like someone partway through learning an entirely new language, and not doing an awfully good job at it. I'll let that speak for itself.

Also, it's Cloudsdale. And could you maybe be a little more imaginative than 'Fire Mane' for a pony with a red mane? Hey, guess what, that makes this guy red and black. So, barring the horn, he's a walking cliche. Yay.

[Ponyess]

4033384 I'll go over this as ffew more times to make it flow as intended.
yeah, English is my second language.
Oh, typical. seems I keep messing a few of these up.
The title would say a bit more about both character, and story then it may look.
that's kind of the challenge, but aside fom that, it's just a matter of characterisation. studying what's known of how the character should be, in order to bring her to a life, grater then her looks.

Apparently you mnaged to read enough to pick up on the 'secret', since it is only revealed in the end of the chapter, right.
unless you just skimmed over for something to pik up on, you would have left the story before the teaser was introduced, right?

I know the 'Red and Black Alicorn' is a cliche, but do I havge to follow said cliche to the letter, or could she become a regular character, as OC as she may be?

[Lord Sunder]

4033907
Yeah, sorry about my tone. I kinda wrote that under the assumption that you were someone who wasn't actually learning English as a second language. Like, native English speaking, but really bad at it, since our standards of literacy are generally really shit, and our own teens can often barely write coherent English. Uhm... yeah, I really don't know how to put what's wrong with the grammar into perspective, but let's take a look at the story description and try to help you out. I've annotated in brackets, and outlined specific issues in red. The other annotations refer to structural problems.

I'm (present tense looks unnatural and awkward here) born a black Pegasus with a fiery red mane in CloudsDale (Cloudsdale). I have a talent in finding true friends, seeing through the façade of false kindness. (awkward word choices)

Now I'm moving out of my parents' home, in search of something to call my own. I'm making (I wanted to make - present tense makes no sense here) this a special adventure, or it (that) was the initial intent,(comma splice) little did I know what was awaiting me.

Who would it make me into, what kind of a job am I destined for, (this sentence is one of the mangled ones. This is not how you use commas) questions awaiting answers. The ('the' should probably change to 'these are') questions you can only pose (awkward word choice) by moving on, and leave your childhood's (we say 'childhood home') home.

I think your biggest problem at the moment is those pesky commas. You keep using them to bridge independent and unrelated clauses, so you end up with a sentence that doesn't flow at all, if it even makes sense. You also perform comma splices a lot, which, if you weren't aware, is when you use a comma in place of a period, thus turning what should be two sentences into one very awkward one. Other than that, just really odd word choices, and the fact that the description really isn't eye-catching.

I was born a black Pegasus with a fiery red mane in Cloudsdale. You might say I had a talent in finding true friends, which helps to stave off the loneliness and false kindness.

Now I'm moving out of my parents' home, in search of something to call my own. I was hoping to make this a special adventure... or at least that was the initial intent. I had no idea what was waiting for me.

But who would I become? What is my destiny? Those are the kind of questions you can only answer by moving on, so I left my childhood home, never to return.

Now... that's better, and I tried to iron out the awkwardness. Had to completely rewrite the 'questions' section, because you essentially posed two rhetorical questions to the reader without question marks, and linked them with commas. The only reason I didn't write something completely different, in order to make a much more compelling summary, was that I thought you should see a fixed version. Be advised that this is by no means a good description, merely a fixed up version of your current one. It's hammy, and has elements that are boring and/or completely out of place.

For example, that opening paragraph of the description is a really bizarre and not awfully interesting way to open a description. Opening a story, maybe, but your description should be a short summary, and the character's birth doesn't really have much place here. It needs to be... catchy, and make a disinterested reader want to read your story. It needs to make your story interesting to a reader, and therefore should be the least awkward section of the entire thing. Honestly, I'd rewrite the thing entirely to get rid of the 'I was born, blah blah. I have a true friendship talent blah blah' section, since it's completely unrelated to the rest of the description and adds next to nothing.

As for alicorns... well, I get what you're saying, given I'm presently writing about characters that are literally on a similar scale to the Greek gods. Unfortunately, people here have been repeatedly conditioned to dislike alicorn OCs, especially with the word salad you're throwing around in places. Also, red and black are colours that don't really seem to fit in MLP, given that it's a domain of pastel coloured ponies. I mean, even Celestia, whose mane is literally so special it blatantly defies gravity, is drawn in pastel colours. By OC logic, she should probably sparkle bright enough to blind people, like a self-illuminating disco ball from hell. Likewise, her coat should be a patchwork of bright splashes of glow-in-the-dark neon paint. I'm very glad we didn't get a Celestia based on OC logic.

[Ponyess]

4034251 I guess large portion of our group is made up by the people you just mentioned and that they are the once who are most probe to fall prey to this particular Cliche as well, so maybe I had it coming?
As of late, I've stumbled across numerous people from my little corner of our pointless world. Not just the people who are not from America, and the hispanic once.

Ah yeah, these pescy comas, I guess I do have some problems getting them to get in line, as it were. Leading to your favourit Salad.

I'm going over the source file in order to root mentioned problems out once and for all. Besides, it is easier to have everything there to start with.

Ok, there went the old(original) descriptions.

Catch seem like the tone for a description, I can easily go with that. At least to the point of leting on just enough of where the story is going, without actual spoilers.

Oh, back to the goodhood figures? I'm trying to make a oint out of letting Celestia be the most God-Like in all of Equestria, and thus none is more powerfull then her.
Part in why I started out this story the way I did, is in order to tell the story and outright letting you know she is an Alicorn early on, without you thinking much of it, which I may or may not have failed in.
Ah, the good old pastels, but they've moved up to strong and bright colours in Fim, by the looks. I've seen several red manes and tails, just look at 'Apple Bloom'? The only black pony is Luna(Nightmare), isn't she?
Actually, I've picked a hint from her ane in my current OC, though I went by the idea that ponies aren't becomeing Alicorns before this age, since I have only Twilight and Cadence to go by.
Aside from the black coat sticking out, the colour patern would still go fairly well, if black had been 'white'?

Both Celestia and Luna are Canon Alicorns in the first place, the same would go for Twilight and Cadence, as of late.
With that, they are following canone colour paterns, even if Cadence's gradient wings may stretch this a bit, by reactions I've seen.

I haven't develloped all that many OCs here, even though I have an entire comunity of OCs as back ground and side charcters by now. In that story, I have no Alicorn, just all the other types of normal size ponies. I do have a few scenes of the original Canon Alicorns though.

[qamar-ling]

I like and wont. and this story needs more muffins

[Ponyess]

4037074 'and wont'?
Muffins? hmm, I'll see how to slip a few in.
I guess everyone love a Muffin, right.

Now I'll just have to continue the story and complete the next chapter,
to see where this is going.

This story is going surprisingly well, all things considered,
even before I posted it in any group.

[qamar-ling]

4037113 wont= I wont more
I am not surprised that is going well, every changeling story is good or if it has a changeling in it.

[Ponyess]

4037259 ah, I guess that makes sense.
I have a few different stories with Changelings in them.
in one, I have a Changeling as 'ruler' of a community,
in another, the Changeling is living a fairly happy life with a 'poni'
a rather loving poni, as it turned out.
I guess there is room for a few more, just ned to figure where and how.

[qamar-ling]

4037323 I know you have some or all of them in my group dose A Changeling's Life ring any bells.

[Ponyess]

4037385 yeah, I just joined the group, guess I posted a few stories there, right.

I'm not sure why others like Changelings, but as a writer, they do offer a few interesting possibilities, and is a convenient way around certain problems with some other ponies.

[Lord Sunder]

4037259

You know, that could almost work, if you'd said 'I am wont to find more stories like this', but as it is, you fail at English. The hell, dude, this guy is already in the process of learning English, don't heap bad English on him and present it as correct!

[qamar-ling]

4038174 hahaha I know I suck at English even if I was born in Canada and never left and wont to know what is rely funny I am 14 and in grade 8 and I suck at spelling. I am such a fall.

[Lord Sunder]

4038416

Damn kids *grumbles about spellcheck generation*

[Ponyess]

4038174 hmm, sorry I'm not reading more Shakespearians,
if they had made MLP into actual books, I could have red the entire bunch.
For now, Isaac Asimov and David Brin hav been entertaining me plenty.
Just as I've followed several shows, including Star Trek, Babylon 5, Star Gate, to mention but a few.
There are several other authers, but the list will merely detract from the subject.
4038416 Wow, Canadians on the site.
4038596 that's life, and the times we're living in.
remembers the cure; "May you live in interesting times" ..

[qamar-ling]

4039180 and know I feel alone

[Ponyess]

4039588 The site ould be better with more Canadians.
maybe a few Australians and other ponies and changelings would be even better?

Is there any group for national ponies/changelings or the like on the site?

[qamar-ling]

4039632 ould? don't you mean would? and I think I seen a Australian group some where.

[Ponyess]

4039923 uh, silly typos.
Could/would/should, all would work, I gues.

Ponies from 'Down under' would also be fun.
they have a group for them? that's kind of interesting.

maybe I should investigate if they have sCantinavian groups too?

[qamar-ling]

4040028 I sad "I think" so they might not have one I what was that last part?

[Ponyess]

4040852 ah yeah, you certainly did.

[qamar-ling]

4040911 but I do remember something clos to it.

[Ponyess]

4040939 that may be good enough, I guess.

[qamar-ling]

4041072 and I am not going to look for it I hate research.

[Ponyess]

4041114 can't love everything.just look out for the joyous Changelings, right?

[qamar-ling]

4041281 your right that's all I have to do just love and look out for all the changelings.

[Ponyess]

4041438 there is much to love about our changelings.
even if the show made them out to be villains under Chrystalis.
maybe ponies prefer to read about them over several other kinds of characters.

Maybe I don't have many viewers yet, but the verdict seems fairly nice by th looks this far, including a nice favourit, with the silver star.

oh well, by tomorrow I'd try to be back, writing more for this story.

[qamar-ling]

4041488 yesssss!!!

[Ponyess]

4041700 by content, I feard I was to be voter right past hell.
The character have been revealed, even if you need to read a full chapter to find out.
Not sure exactly how Changelings are rated among readers.

I still need to include the characters I've tagged, though.
just as I will need to handle the current situation in order to pull this adventure into a story.
4032667 speaking of which, it could be seen as a hint towards what's to come.