• Member Since 9th Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen November 16th

Ponyess


I just recently started to write stories directly towards the FiM actively, though I have been writing for years, publishing numerous stories at Mibba and the eventual pony story, as far as to the MLP

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I was born a black Pegasus with a fiery red mane in Cloudsdale. I have a talent in finding true friends, seeing through the facade of false kindness. The talent had saved me from numerous awkward moments, but also caused other problems.

  Now I'm moving out of my parents' home, in search of something to call my own.  I'm making this a special adventure, or at least that had been the initial intent. I had no idea who, or what was awaiting me.

  What is my destiny and who would I become? These are the kind of questions only you can answer by leaving your childhood's home. Once I had set of on my seemingly safe and harmless quest, the Pegasus that left can never come back, a lesson I'm soon to learn

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 57 )

I'm born a black Pegasus with a fiery red mane

uhhhhh.....

Well, this was basically word salad. I think you really, really need to brush up on your English grammar and sentence structure before you write your next flash in the pan story. I mean, the sentences don't flow together at all, and it just feels chunky and ugly to read when you're not utterly mangling English tenses or creating sentences that are more confusing than enticing. And as I said, sadly a lot of it is just word salad. The only thing you can really do to fix this is to learn your English better. This is, of course, assuming you are learning English as a second language, because that's what this resembles. If you aren't... well, you look like someone partway through learning an entirely new language, and not doing an awfully good job at it. I'll let that speak for itself.

Also, it's Cloudsdale. And could you maybe be a little more imaginative than 'Fire Mane' for a pony with a red mane? Hey, guess what, that makes this guy red and black. So, barring the horn, he's a walking cliche. Yay:ajbemused:.

4033384 I'll go over this as ffew more times to make it flow as intended.
yeah, English is my second language.
Oh, typical. seems I keep messing a few of these up.
The title would say a bit more about both character, and story then it may look.
that's kind of the challenge, but aside fom that, it's just a matter of characterisation. studying what's known of how the character should be, in order to bring her to a life, grater then her looks.

Apparently you mnaged to read enough to pick up on the 'secret', since it is only revealed in the end of the chapter, right.
unless you just skimmed over for something to pik up on, you would have left the story before the teaser was introduced, right?

I know the 'Red and Black Alicorn' is a cliche, but do I havge to follow said cliche to the letter, or could she become a regular character, as OC as she may be?

4033907
Yeah, sorry about my tone. I kinda wrote that under the assumption that you were someone who wasn't actually learning English as a second language. Like, native English speaking, but really bad at it, since our standards of literacy are generally really shit, and our own teens can often barely write coherent English. Uhm... yeah, I really don't know how to put what's wrong with the grammar into perspective, but let's take a look at the story description and try to help you out. I've annotated in brackets, and outlined specific issues in red. The other annotations refer to structural problems.

I'm (present tense looks unnatural and awkward here) born a black Pegasus with a fiery red mane in CloudsDale (Cloudsdale). I have a talent in finding true friends, seeing through the façade of false kindness. (awkward word choices)

Now I'm moving out of my parents' home, in search of something to call my own. I'm making (I wanted to make - present tense makes no sense here) this a special adventure, or it (that) was the initial intent,(comma splice) little did I know what was awaiting me.

Who would it make me into, what kind of a job am I destined for, (this sentence is one of the mangled ones. This is not how you use commas) questions awaiting answers. The ('the' should probably change to 'these are') questions you can only pose (awkward word choice) by moving on, and leave your childhood's (we say 'childhood home') home.

I think your biggest problem at the moment is those pesky commas. You keep using them to bridge independent and unrelated clauses, so you end up with a sentence that doesn't flow at all, if it even makes sense. You also perform comma splices a lot, which, if you weren't aware, is when you use a comma in place of a period, thus turning what should be two sentences into one very awkward one. Other than that, just really odd word choices, and the fact that the description really isn't eye-catching.

I was born a black Pegasus with a fiery red mane in Cloudsdale. You might say I had a talent in finding true friends, which helps to stave off the loneliness and false kindness.

Now I'm moving out of my parents' home, in search of something to call my own. I was hoping to make this a special adventure... or at least that was the initial intent. I had no idea what was waiting for me.

But who would I become? What is my destiny? Those are the kind of questions you can only answer by moving on, so I left my childhood home, never to return.

Now... that's better, and I tried to iron out the awkwardness. Had to completely rewrite the 'questions' section, because you essentially posed two rhetorical questions to the reader without question marks, and linked them with commas. The only reason I didn't write something completely different, in order to make a much more compelling summary, was that I thought you should see a fixed version. Be advised that this is by no means a good description, merely a fixed up version of your current one. It's hammy, and has elements that are boring and/or completely out of place.

For example, that opening paragraph of the description is a really bizarre and not awfully interesting way to open a description. Opening a story, maybe, but your description should be a short summary, and the character's birth doesn't really have much place here. It needs to be... catchy, and make a disinterested reader want to read your story. It needs to make your story interesting to a reader, and therefore should be the least awkward section of the entire thing. Honestly, I'd rewrite the thing entirely to get rid of the 'I was born, blah blah. I have a true friendship talent blah blah' section, since it's completely unrelated to the rest of the description and adds next to nothing.

As for alicorns... well, I get what you're saying, given I'm presently writing about characters that are literally on a similar scale to the Greek gods. Unfortunately, people here have been repeatedly conditioned to dislike alicorn OCs, especially with the word salad you're throwing around in places. Also, red and black are colours that don't really seem to fit in MLP, given that it's a domain of pastel coloured ponies. I mean, even Celestia, whose mane is literally so special it blatantly defies gravity, is drawn in pastel colours. By OC logic, she should probably sparkle bright enough to blind people, like a self-illuminating disco ball from hell. Likewise, her coat should be a patchwork of bright splashes of glow-in-the-dark neon paint. I'm very glad we didn't get a Celestia based on OC logic.

4034251 I guess large portion of our group is made up by the people you just mentioned and that they are the once who are most probe to fall prey to this particular Cliche as well, so maybe I had it coming?
As of late, I've stumbled across numerous people from my little corner of our pointless world. Not just the people who are not from America, and the hispanic once.

Ah yeah, these pescy comas, I guess I do have some problems getting them to get in line, as it were. Leading to your favourit Salad.

I'm going over the source file in order to root mentioned problems out once and for all. Besides, it is easier to have everything there to start with.

Ok, there went the old(original) descriptions.

Catch seem like the tone for a description, I can easily go with that. At least to the point of leting on just enough of where the story is going, without actual spoilers.

Oh, back to the goodhood figures? I'm trying to make a oint out of letting Celestia be the most God-Like in all of Equestria, and thus none is more powerfull then her.
Part in why I started out this story the way I did, is in order to tell the story and outright letting you know she is an Alicorn early on, without you thinking much of it, which I may or may not have failed in.
Ah, the good old pastels, but they've moved up to strong and bright colours in Fim, by the looks. I've seen several red manes and tails, just look at 'Apple Bloom'? The only black pony is Luna(Nightmare), isn't she?
Actually, I've picked a hint from her ane in my current OC, though I went by the idea that ponies aren't becomeing Alicorns before this age, since I have only Twilight and Cadence to go by.
Aside from the black coat sticking out, the colour patern would still go fairly well, if black had been 'white'?

Both Celestia and Luna are Canon Alicorns in the first place, the same would go for Twilight and Cadence, as of late.
With that, they are following canone colour paterns, even if Cadence's gradient wings may stretch this a bit, by reactions I've seen.

I haven't develloped all that many OCs here, even though I have an entire comunity of OCs as back ground and side charcters by now. In that story, I have no Alicorn, just all the other types of normal size ponies. I do have a few scenes of the original Canon Alicorns though.

I like and wont. and this story needs more muffins :derpytongue2:

4037074 'and wont'?
Muffins? hmm, I'll see how to slip a few in.
I guess everyone love a Muffin, right.

Now I'll just have to continue the story and complete the next chapter,
to see where this is going.

This story is going surprisingly well, all things considered,
even before I posted it in any group.

4037113 wont= I wont more
I am not surprised that is going well, every changeling story is good or if it has a changeling in it.

4037259 ah, I guess that makes sense.
I have a few different stories with Changelings in them.
in one, I have a Changeling as 'ruler' of a community,
in another, the Changeling is living a fairly happy life with a 'poni'
a rather loving poni, as it turned out. :derpyderp2:
I guess there is room for a few more, just ned to figure where and how.

4037323 I know you have some or all of them in my group dose A Changeling's Life ring any bells.

4037385 yeah, I just joined the group, guess I posted a few stories there, right.

I'm not sure why others like Changelings, but as a writer, they do offer a few interesting possibilities, and is a convenient way around certain problems with some other ponies.

4037259

You know, that could almost work, if you'd said 'I am wont to find more stories like this', but as it is, you fail at English. The hell, dude, this guy is already in the process of learning English, don't heap bad English on him and present it as correct! :rainbowderp:

4038174 hahaha I know I suck at English even if I was born in Canada and never left and wont to know what is rely funny I am 14 and in grade 8 and I suck at spelling. I am such a fall. :rainbowlaugh:

4038416

Damn kids :trixieshiftleft: *grumbles about spellcheck generation*

4038174 hmm, sorry I'm not reading more Shakespearians,
if they had made MLP into actual books, I could have red the entire bunch.
For now, Isaac Asimov and David Brin hav been entertaining me plenty.
Just as I've followed several shows, including Star Trek, Babylon 5, Star Gate, to mention but a few.
There are several other authers, but the list will merely detract from the subject.
4038416 Wow, Canadians on the site.
4038596 that's life, and the times we're living in.
remembers the cure; "May you live in interesting times" ..

4039588 The site ould be better with more Canadians.
maybe a few Australians and other ponies and changelings would be even better?

Is there any group for national ponies/changelings or the like on the site?

4039632 ould? don't you mean would? and I think I seen a Australian group some where.

4039923 uh, silly typos.
Could/would/should, all would work, I gues.

Ponies from 'Down under' would also be fun.
they have a group for them? that's kind of interesting.

maybe I should investigate if they have sCantinavian groups too?

4040028 I sad "I think" so they might not have one I what was that last part?:rainbowhuh:

4040911 but I do remember something clos to it.

4040939 that may be good enough, I guess.

4041072 and I am not going to look for it I hate research. :twilightangry2:

4041114 can't love everything.just look out for the joyous Changelings, right?

4041281 your right that's all I have to do just love and look out for all the changelings.

4041438 there is much to love about our changelings.
even if the show made them out to be villains under Chrystalis.
maybe ponies prefer to read about them over several other kinds of characters.

Maybe I don't have many viewers yet, but the verdict seems fairly nice by th looks this far, including a nice favourit, with the silver star.

oh well, by tomorrow I'd try to be back, writing more for this story.

4041700 by content, I feard I was to be voter right past hell.
The character have been revealed, even if you need to read a full chapter to find out.
Not sure exactly how Changelings are rated among readers.

I still need to include the characters I've tagged, though.
just as I will need to handle the current situation in order to pull this adventure into a story.
4032667 speaking of which, it could be seen as a hint towards what's to come.

I love it and you made a prince!! never read a story with a prince yet until know.

4059912 there is only one Prince in canon,
most every character has been, and still are mares.
may be the reason why you don't ind any Princes?

4060229 as to the 'Royalty', I'm trying to pick up on more or less obscure hitns on the show.
ascention is apparently at the age we see as puberty?
I picked the mane trick trom Luna/Nightmare.
There may be a few more similiar hints across the show to pick up on? I'd like to have them pointed out, in case they're there.

The matter of mare to stallion ratio isn't FiM, it's throughout the entire of MLP.
I guess this makes me find it all the more aluring, as it were.
Most of my stories are more or less exclusively female/girl or Mare/fillie, so it goes well here too.

I enjoy broadening on the larer story, so picking up on details and make them into something is fun.

4060328 :rainbowderp: what? I had a heard time with your comment.

4060354 is it any in particular, or just in general?

4060395 all of it, I think my attention span is getting shorter.

4060482 oh, that IS a problem. just read a paragraph at the time? could this work?

I'm picking up obscure details about the Royal Alicorns.
Twilight and Cadence both Ascended fairly late.

Then I picked up on Luna/Nightmares Special mane, which I make use of here.

The Stalion to Mare Ratio is stageringly low, but it's not just FiM, but throughout the entire MLP.

I more or less use the Mare/Fillie in all my stories.
or Female/girls, not just on the Pony related stories.

4060950 ok I think I am ok know and I get it to.

4062942 hope you enjoy where I'm taking the both of them, since my Changeling did need some help.

4067493 I'll just have to figure out how to get the scene going, so that you and every poni else can keep enjoying the show.

4067607 ya that is difficult to do some time's.

4068386 I'm trying to convince Flutters to help.
I'm not sure how to express how a pony would do it.
Though she would have all required materials,
and my Ali would be able to help in applying them.
Even if she may be a bit rough around the edges, since she just realised her new abilities.

4071521 that sounds good, you could have twi barge in because she probably hates them second most out of evrepony.

4071937 that could be an interesting conflict,
Twilight haven't seen too many black Alicorns either, and none with a fiery red mane.

Came to think of it, my little Alicorn should go well with Floutters, since she is the element of kindness, after all.

4071969 right now, I'm working on halping the Changeling.

4072388 so you are thinking more about the present then the future but make shear you know where you wont the story to go because it can play out a lots of different way's.

4072413 the Future is built in the Present,
so I have to make the presenmt right, in order to this to work.
I like the Changeling to enjoy being with my Ali, and not just for the one thing Changelings can't produce themselves.
Even if I'm not doing this so much for a ship, but it still is a small part here.

4072622 and that is why I am not a righter but instead I am a reader, I have a heard time getting my Present to Future or I just can't play my cards right.

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