( Fluttershy's POV )
Derpy sat in awe, while watching Princess Luna raise the sun. She was wondering Why? What could have happened to Princess Celestia?
How did Princess Luna react?!
Derpy and the others had bowed to Luna when she turned around. When we all sat down, we sat around Princess Celestia. Luna tried to bring back Celestia. She had tried many spells, and yet Celestia hadn't waken up. Luna tried to listen to Celestia's heart beat, but it had slowley faded to one last small Thump and I noticed Luna started crying. No one had known what happened until Luna had announced in a quiet voice. "She's gone..." she said. "My last spell backfired, and the magic became too strong for her weak condition,....
there was nothing even I could have done." everypony had started looking down and sobbing. Once we all had stopped crying, we broke out into a song, a sad song.
We all thought about you, thinking you'd never leave us, hoping that our lives would get better under your rule.
No one knew, and no one yet knows, but you will be remembered forever... and in our hearts you'll live.
We never thought your power could fade, and wished you'd stay
but now you have to go, but don't worry, we know you're still here.
No one knew, and no one yet knows, but you will be remembered forever... and in our hearts you'll live, and we will make you proud.
Luna's action will be remembered forever, but not for her misake, for her great deed of love towards her sister and the fact she was sent to a better place. Now Luna is ruler and will raise the sun and the moon for as long as she lives. " but, we cannot stop creting new elements of harmony!" said Luna. " Her funeral will be... once this war is over between us and the Elements of Harm."
I didn't think we could make it happen, but we got the new Elements of Harmony finished. We all put on our elements and I felt the energy of the new elements. The energy made me feel more powerful and kind again, and I didn't feel as glum as I had before this had all happened.
I thought this had potential, and that you just needed to flesh it out and improve grammar...
Unfortunately, this "Mine Disc" character came along.
I don't want to come off as mean or anything, but she's kind of a schoolbook example on how to not design an OC. Like, there's literally no justification what so ever of her existence. If I were you, I'd throw her out, scrap her and rewrite the story without such a character or role. Because all it does is drag down the quality immensely.
If you want to design an OC, I recommend looking up some guides on how to design good OCs. Trust me, it will help.
4179162 well, if ANYTHING, this character will definitley have a better role in the future and I will be working on a new chapter in a few minutes. expect a new and surprising thing to happen next chapter, or mabye in the chapter after that one. I'm still thinking this through and I thank you for the feedback.
Mine Disc ( Criana )
4191414 The problem with Mine Disc as a character is that she's a massive Mary Sue.
If this isn't an overpowered character, I don't know what is. I suspect that, and feel free to correct me, Mine Disc is your own OC. An image of you, the author, as a pony. Am I correct?
4191834 well, to answer this "Mary Sue" question, in fact she may seem perfect only because I put the good qualities only. Yes, she may have a lot of great qualities and all but has many more flaws than she has good qualities. I will add more of these flaws that are yet unknown to everypony, but they will explain what is going on in the story. It will make it more intense and exciting! I hope this helps, and answers your question. Feel free to ask me anything else or add on to this question.
Mine Disc ( Criana )