Homecoming of a Jumper

by tosety

Interlude 2: To Serve Dragons

#RR - 03#
@Arrival + 2 Days@

I sat in my old bedroom. My ‘parents’ had invited me to stay with them and I had reluctantly agreed. It was crazy, but I couldn’t say no. I missed them so badly and, while their presence made me miss my true parents even more, as bittersweet as that was, there was still a whole lot of comfort in being with them again.

While Ginsu was out hunting, I looked over the room. Apparently they had put a few boxes filled this world’s Steelskin’s toys and posters in here. I started putting the posters up and taking out the toys to display on what would have been my bureau. I even found a box of my baby toys and my old security blanket.

Soon it was midnight and Luna’s moon was high overhead. I remembered what Alex said about his prayer of thanks and turned my attention to the moon that lit my way when I found myself running through the night to escape one horror or another.

”Thank you, Luna, for all the times your moonlight has saved me.” It wasn’t much, but I’ve never been much for lots of talking.

I walked back to my bed and lay down. I rolled myself up in my blanket like one of Alex’s burritos, but all that did was make it easier to fall out of bed. Still unable to sleep, I pulled out the crystal Pinkie gave me.

Hymns of the Catholic Church
Methodist Hymnal
Psalms
Hymnal of Ishtar
Songs of Praise (Christian, Non-denominational)
Praises to Allah
The Beatles: White Album
Pink Floyd: Dark Side of the Moon
Hits of the 70s
The Bells of St. John
Drinking Songs for Cayden Cailean
Hymns to Rovagug For the Destruction of All Reality

Wait, What?

I decided I was in the wrong section and jumped to the next section. I continued flipping through the book list until I found one that looked interesting.

How to Serve Dragons
by Thai Chihuahua

Well, maybe I can learn about what dragons like in case I can get back to Tallic somehow.

I opened it and started reading.

An Unappreciated Delicacy

Many consider it too tough, but, with the proper technique, it is possible to create a delicacy that would be welcomed by kings and noblemen. The main thing you will need to do is tenderize. Keep tenderizing until you think it is ready, then tenderize it three more times. This step is extremely important and I suggest using an earthbreaker hammer with at least a +2 enchantment on the Raistlin-Vivi scale. After that, there are many ways that you can season your dragon. The best process for this is to rub the dry ingredients over the surface and then use your hammer to embed the spices into the meat before letting it marinate for at least two days.

Some spices that go well with Dragon are:
Majoram
Thyme
Treant
Ragweed
Athelas
Habanero
Ground Cherry Bomb
Cumin
Ambrosia
Spikenard
Melange
Cilantro
Hemlock
Rosemary
Mandrake

My mouth dropped open as the reality of what this book was sank in. It was bad enough that somepony would write it, but for Tallic to keep a copy?

Wait.

Nevermind, this was Tallic we were talking about. This would be a wonderful joke for him.

After a few minutes of shock, my curiosity got the better of me and I read a little more.

Hunting Your Dragon

Many knights and wizards have taken it upon themselves to come up with tactical maneuvers that work well for hunting dragons, but I have found that the most effective weapon to pierce dragon hide is a dragon’s own claws. For this reason, I suggest the following;

Step 1
Summon weapons grade schnauzers to perform a chorus line.
I have found that the most effective song is “It’s a small world after all” from Songs to kill dragons by by Darth Harmonious.
Step 2
Follow this up by using power word: Sarcasm.
The dragon’s mental state should be sufficiently fragile at this point for this to push it over the edge and have it tear its own throat out.
Step 3
Stab it a lot (This will also help with the tenderizing.)

If the above doesn’t work, a fallback plan is to cast a shrinking spell on a dire porcupine, give it to the dragon as a peace offering, and end the spell as the dragon swallows it.

Whatever you do, do not reanimate the dragon as a zombie to get it back to town. The dark magics will permanently spoil the meat and render it totally inedible. Butchering it in cave and reanimating the skeleton, on the other hand, works wonderfully.

I couldn’t help but giggle. The idea of getting a dragon to swallow something that had shrinking magic on it was absolutely ridiculous and, while I would probably love a chorus line of dogs, if that song was as nice as the title made it sound, that would drive Tallic into a murderous rage. He really hated that time he got caught up in the magic of harmony.

I flipped through some of the recipes.

Dragon Gumbo

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Dragelehippcowbogoturducken
Ingredients
1 Bushel of Rosemary
10 pounds Juniper berries
50 Bulbs Garlic
2 Gallons Extra Virgin Olive Oil
2 Ostrich eggs
1 Chicken
1 Duck
1 Turkey
1 Goat
1 Boar
1 Cow
1 Hippo
1 Elephant
1 Dragon
100 Yards Butcher’s Twine
Debone all animals
Remove skin (optional)
Chop up Rosemary and garlic, combine with oil and mashed juniper berries. Rub on all animals.
Take the young chicken and stuff it into the duck . Stuff that combination into the turkey and repeat with...

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Dragon Steak Wrapped Dire Gummy Bear

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Tail Tips

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Sea Serpent Sushi (Only for the bold and crazy)

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Dragon Tongue

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Dragon Jerky (Do not try to eat without softening)

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Dragon Belly Bacon

When I got to the dragon belly bacon, remembering how delicious pig bacon was. I felt horrible for it, but I couldn’t help thinking and drooling over the idea of taking that dragon Tallic killed and making bacon out of it.

I’d come a long way since I would throw up when I saw Tallic eat an animal. I’m not even sure if I would still have a problem like I did when he ate the other dragon, but I still shuddered as the thought crossed my mind to hunt a dragon myself.

I quickly closed that book and started reading through more titles.

101 Recipes for Your Enemies
101 Cave Cleaning Tips
101 Ways to Cheat at Cardgames
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
Myths of the Wood Elves
The Illiad
The Silmarillion
How to Make Enemies and Annoy People
Bride of the Far Side
The Constitution of The United States of Canada

Suddenly, I saw an author I recognized.

Best Baked Bads Recipes
By Pinkie Pie and Time Turner

Concentrated Rainbow assault cupcakes

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Cake Mines

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Poison Joak Poppers

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Bean Burrito Blaster Bombs

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AJ’s Special Muffins

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Perfectly Painful Pumpkin Pies

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Appleicious Assault Ammo

My stomach growled and I dug into my secret stash of jerky. I refused to let Gary tell me the animal it came from because, even though I now had a more dragonish need for protein, I still felt kinda bad about eating living creatures.

I turned back to the crystal and pulled up a video of the first time I tried bacon. I was totally unprepared for both the taste and the saltiness and made the funniest face. Tallic and Alex laughed as I carefully chewed and swallowed.

After it ended, I powered it down, put it back in my saddlebags, and pulled out the picture of Tallic and I.

During the night, Ginsu came in and curled up on my tear stained pillow.

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Present

Steelskin sat for a moment longer, savoring the taste. He swallowed his last bite of bacon and opened his eyes. El smiled at him and he smiled back.

“Sorry,” Steelskin said, carefully hiding the buzz the salt was giving him. “The taste brings back some pretty powerful emotions.”

“Not a problem,” El responded.

Something occurred to Steelskin.

“Hey, humans eat pigs and chickens, right?”

“Yes...” El looked a little uncomfortable.

“Tallic had this cookbook and I was wondering if you’ve ever eaten a dragon.”

“No!” El’s expression started out as fear, but quickly changed to guilt. “...I have killed dragons, though... and kinda... absorbed their souls...”

“Ugh!” Steelskin’s nose wrinkled in disgust. “That’s horrible!”

El’s guilt brought her to tears and she missed Steelskin’s question.

“Are you okay? I can’t imagine what that must’ve felt like.”

El sat there, trying to figure out what to say to keep Steelskin from hating her..

“Necromancy is horrible,” Steelskin went on. “The first time I tasted it, I was dry heaving for almost an hour straight. I couldn’t even bear the thought of having to use it.”

Steelskin looked over and saw El crying. He ran as fast as he could to the other side of the table, hopped onto her lap, and gave her a hug, nuzzling her neck. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.”

El stopped mid-sob as she felt Steelskin comforting her. She took a few shuddering breaths, calming herself and trying to figure out why he wasn’t angry with her.

"I-it’s okay,” She said, pulling him into a hug. “I don't remember most of it. The dragon souls were taken before I left, and most of the memories with them. I know they made me into a completely different person. I could feel them. Powerful, hungry, ruthless. I'm glad the Dragon God took most of the memories when he took their souls from me. I've wrought enough horrors on my own to try and live with."

“I haven’t done anything I can’t forgive myself for... yet.” Steelskin melted as El found that spot behind his ears that humans’ hands always gravitated to. His voice became calmer and he thought he could even feel El calming down. “But I see myself getting worse and worse... I’m really afraid of what I am becoming.”

"You don't need to be. The world I was in when that happened was at war. Wars between mortals, and between dragons. I think that made doing terrible things too easy.” El smiled ruefully. “...And I was holding several full souls, taken from unwilling hosts. Not a willing shared portion of power.” She ruffled his mane. “...And you're a better person than me."

Steelskin held back a chuckle. “One thing that helps me is seeing how good the people are that think they’re horrible actually are and knowing I should really apply it to myself. You’ve been one of the kindest people I’ve ever met and I think that’s because you’ve seen how bad we all could be. The bad versions of you never felt bad and loved being cruel... but then, so did all of them.”

Author's Note:

Thank you to Spect for fleshing out El's dilogue

and more Mr Welch

8. How to serve Dragons is not a cookbook.
306. Chaotic Evil dieties do not have hymnals.
501. Even if playing a game allowing animal characters, Tai Chihuahua is not a good concept.
623. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a Dire Gummi Bear.
720. Don't have to include the line "And then stab them a lot" in the plan; it's already assumed.
850. Doesn't matter how practical, we aren't reanimating the dead dragon and having him haul that horde back for us.
1776. They don't make weapon grade schnauzers.
1836. A talking animal sidekick is okay. One that sings Disney tunes is roadkill.
2036. Darth Harmonious is not a real Sith Lord.
2072. Power Word Sarcasm is not a real spell.
2093. Can't trick the dragon into swallowing a shrunken dire porcupine and then ending the spell while he swallows.
2158. Using my animal influence ability to send countless animals on a suicide attack is fine, but not to form a chorus line.