Sweetie Belle finds herself learning about fun things that fillies can do with their bodies. The only real hitch is that the body driving her through this latest experiment is Rarity's.
I like the story so far, but it helps if you leave a gap between paragraphs, or when it switches between who is talking. Right now it is a bit of a wall of text. You can save yourself down votes by fixing that before people come to the story. Ex: "After those few seconds the patch looked like it had just been in the bath, and the steamy liquid was running down onto her stomach.
“Sweetie Belle,” the voice was utterly hollow, “get out.” A small twitch showed itself above the left of the top lip on the deadpan face. “Get out of my house.”
The soft white filly bolted through the rain."
Other than that i like it and can't wait to see the story progress. Favorited and waiting.
i like it so far mostly, but the idea that rarity woudl say "fuck" under any circumstances is almost as unlikely as the idea that she would multiple times physically hurt sweetie belle, once out of impulse might be believable, but not anything more. no matter how angry, upset, surprised, traumatized, or whatever, different personalities respond in different ways, and there r some that just dont resort to the things u've shown here.
aside from that tho i like it so far, but then i like pretty much any raribelle lol, such a cute and sweet pairing
3868420 Yes, I will spend more time on it. The two chapters up at the moment got quickly scribbled down almost word for word at weird times in the night.
3868090 Yes, in all of my attempts at writing Raribelle so far Rarity has come out kinda ... skewed. My excuse to my self here is that since this is written from Sweetie's point of view the violence of those bits might be more than a bit exaggerated by shock. I am bad at writing Rarara, if any way of doing her better and keeping the story working comes to me I will probably edit it in.
It could possibly have done with a bit more detail.
This story relies a little too heavily on implication. It's not too hard to work out what's happening, but it does take a little effort and breaks the focus and immersion of the reader (or at least it did for me).
It's possibly a little OOC for Rarity, and the swearing seems a little out of place, but it's not completely implausible - canon has done worse with the characters on a couple of occasions.
I like the story so far, but it helps if you leave a gap between paragraphs, or when it switches between who is talking. Right now it is a bit of a wall of text. You can save yourself down votes by fixing that before people come to the story.
Ex:
"After those few seconds the patch looked like it had just been in the bath, and the steamy liquid was running down onto her stomach.
“Sweetie Belle,” the voice was utterly hollow, “get out.” A small twitch showed itself above the left of the top lip on the deadpan face. “Get out of my house.”
The soft white filly bolted through the rain."
Other than that i like it and can't wait to see the story progress.
Favorited and waiting.
only has one dislike
i like it so far mostly, but the idea that rarity woudl say "fuck" under any circumstances is almost as unlikely as the idea that she would multiple times physically hurt sweetie belle, once out of impulse might be believable, but not anything more. no matter how angry, upset, surprised, traumatized, or whatever, different personalities respond in different ways, and there r some that just dont resort to the things u've shown here.
aside from that tho i like it so far, but then i like pretty much any raribelle lol, such a cute and sweet pairing
You... you sick son of a bitch! I LOVE YOU BUT THIS STORY IS OKAY~
It could honestly be better but it needs so much more. Spend more time with your story and work with it.
3866468
It shall be done.
3868420
Yes, I will spend more time on it. The two chapters up at the moment got quickly scribbled down almost word for word at weird times in the night.
3866524
Twelve now
3868090
Yes, in all of my attempts at writing Raribelle so far Rarity has come out kinda ... skewed. My excuse to my self here is that since this is written from Sweetie's point of view the violence of those bits might be more than a bit exaggerated by shock. I am bad at writing Rarara, if any way of doing her better and keeping the story working comes to me I will probably edit it in.
It could possibly have done with a bit more detail.
This story relies a little too heavily on implication. It's not too hard to work out what's happening, but it does take a little effort and breaks the focus and immersion of the reader (or at least it did for me).
It's possibly a little OOC for Rarity, and the swearing seems a little out of place, but it's not completely implausible - canon has done worse with the characters on a couple of occasions.
Wow, uh, Applejack was pretty darn harsh there.
The down-pointy-thumb is directly above the comments, too.
6934917
There are down-pointy-thumbs everywhere for people to use. I think the site's biased against me.