Lululu
Joined 16th Jan, 2014 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I like the story so far, but it helps if you leave a gap between paragraphs, or when it switches between who is talking. Right now it is a bit of a wall of text. You can save yourself down votes by fixing that before people come to the story.
Ex:
"After those few seconds the patch looked like it had just been in the bath, and the steamy liquid was running down onto her stomach.
“Sweetie Belle,” the voice was utterly hollow, “get out.” A small twitch showed itself above the left of the top lip on the deadpan face. “Get out of my house.”
The soft white filly bolted through the rain."
Other than that i like it and can't wait to see the story progress.
Favorited and waiting.
only has one dislike
i like it so far mostly, but the idea that rarity woudl say "fuck" under any circumstances is almost as unlikely as the idea that she would multiple times physically hurt sweetie belle, once out of impulse might be believable, but not anything more. no matter how angry, upset, surprised, traumatized, or whatever, different personalities respond in different ways, and there r some that just dont resort to the things u've shown here.
aside from that tho i like it so far, but then i like pretty much any raribelle lol, such a cute and sweet pairing
You... you sick son of a bitch! I LOVE YOU BUT THIS STORY IS OKAY~
It could honestly be better but it needs so much more. Spend more time with your story and work with it.
3866468
It shall be done.
3868420
Yes, I will spend more time on it. The two chapters up at the moment got quickly scribbled down almost word for word at weird times in the night.
3866524
Twelve now
3868090
Yes, in all of my attempts at writing Raribelle so far Rarity has come out kinda ... skewed. My excuse to my self here is that since this is written from Sweetie's point of view the violence of those bits might be more than a bit exaggerated by shock. I am bad at writing Rarara, if any way of doing her better and keeping the story working comes to me I will probably edit it in.
this gets steadily better as it goes on, u r very good at writing strong, raw emotion into ur narrative and dialogue. its mushy yes, but exactly as much as it should be, at least when coming from the perspective of a sweet, fresh and innocent filly like sweetie belle. keep going, u r now at the point where i upvote u!
3914816
Thanks. It is my first fic that wasn't greentext style on 4chan, so I am fairly new to it. I'll keep trying to improve.
Can't wait for the update
Try not to feel under pressure.
This is a really great story and you're doing well!
3910781 I find it funny that you typed that in perfect Grammer except for you, you're and are.
You had my interest, until I saw the length of the chapters... If you could find a way to make it so it had longer chapters, maybe by combining, then I will want to read this most likely
4052337
I'll look into it.
4052634 I did add it to my RL list, to make it easier for me to check on it...
Please, if you can do so, I would be pleased.
Yeah, longer chapters would be nice, but otherwise, great so far... But don't you dare to skip the continuation of the clop in this chapter!
4052797
Damn, forgot to put the "The End" line at the close of that last chapter.
Well, since you asked and I hate letting people down, I'll leave it open and update it with any more fitting Raribelle clop chapters which I write for myself, just don't expect them to come often and there's no further plot development in the works. This was just supposed to be a scenario for getting them together, originally, almost a writing exercise.
As a couple of people have said that I should, I will now try and reshuffle it into larger but still logically continuous units over today (or tomorrow, if I get distracted or something). In the course of doing so I will give it an edit and hopefully improve it somewhat.
4052642
4052797
4052870
New chapter layout. I didn't really do any editing other than rectifying a few absolutely disgusting errors in spelling and grammar,
as I'm just too lazy.
Knowing me, I've probably fucked a few things up in the process. (The fact that I appear to have deleted more than a third of the comments by accident should certainly lend some weight to this point of view). If you see errors of any type, but particularly those which you think were caused by this reformatting, please send me very angry messages to make it nice and obvious for me.
Pretty good so far.
Sooo is Rarity asleep as her young sister sleep molests her? Is Sweetie Belle manipulating Rarity's subconscious and dream? I don't know if she is awake or not, but if you're going for conscious sexing, might I request some tribalism and facial orgasmic squirtings?
4059087 Starts off that way, Rarity wakes up part way through but is now so horny that they carry on anyway, Sweetie Belle wins. I'm gonna have to look up what "tribalism" means in this kind of situation, but you can definitely have that second thing.
Tribalism is the act of grinding both marehoods together, rubbing the lips and especially the clit to some extent. It's basically male to female penetration, only they're just humping each other. There are various ways of tribalisms and you can find them out on derpibooru images.
4061020 NO. NO! SHUT UP! It's tribadism! Get it right!
Anyway, I'm really debating on whether I want to read this or not. On one hand, it's RariBelle Foalcon incest. On the other, the description is not that. We shall see.
4067883 That spelling makes sense. I'd probably have been able to guess that from its similarity to "tribader" in FR. Do tell me what you think if you do end up reading it.
4067883 Well don't have to get all pissy at me.
4069977 Somebody needs to get their panties out of the bunch they're in.
4070011 i.imgur.com/2Q3GoLD.jpg
4056109 THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE FUNNIEST YOUTUBE VIDEO OF ALL TIME, OMG CAN'T STOP LAUGHING
I just want to say the writing of this whole story is fantastic to me. You write on my wavelength; reading the text here is like a massage for my brain. I often find prose that is too plain or too purple; this is riiiiiight in the sweet spot.
Oh, yeah, the story...
I cracked up at Rarity calling Pinkie a bitch.
And Sweetie Belle's innocent descriptions of the Apple family's.... "activities" was great. As for the romance, it's not at all mushy; it's what I'd expect from a sensitive, loving filly like Sweetie, and Rarity needs to get off the prude train. I was kinda hoping for more explicit clop (I second the call for some good tribadism) but what's there is pretty nice and sweet already.
My one complaint is that Sweetie seems to have gone from accidentally stimulating Rarity without knowing why to deliberately trying to have sex with her. Just how much did she learn from Apple Bloom and Applejack, and when?
I wanted, SO wanted this story to be great. I'm a huge fan of the twisted, and in the first couple of chapters, this fic was really nailing it. Especially Raritys reactions. The moment when she told Sweetie to gtfo was :awesome
I was seriously looking forward to how the AJ thing would play out, working on the assumption that Sweetie hadn't told them the whole story ( Intentionally or otherwise ) Buuuut then it's so quickly mentioned how the whole Apple family is banging eachother, and Rarity is just... "Well, alright then. Sextime" It just didn't work for me.
I'm still going to keep an eye on this story, because you obviously have enough talent to draw me in~
4277402 Yeah, I tried to get Rarity's change of heart right a fair few times and in the end I just got frustrated and posted what I had.
I will admit, delving further into her night with the Apples never occurred to me; I'm neither a particularly experienced writer nor good at coming up with plots.
Do you think that a chapter between three and four, giving a snapshot of them getting closer together part way between the reuniting and the clop, could help, or is it just too wrecked?
Thanks for the feedback
P.S. (No longer directed at Reiku) I know that I promised some people tribadism, but it turns out that that's one of the very few thing that just doesn't do anything for me. *shrug* It'll come, but I'm probably going to put it off for another two months first. I'm a bit useless.
4279198 Believe it or not, I'm not here for the clop~ So that's not where my focus is, and not where I can critique
And I wouldn't be so down on yourself about your writing skills. Sure, you have a long way to go, but this story is far from bad, and I do see a lot of potential.
As for fleshing out the story with some in between chapters? Absolutely! A lot of the problems I have could be greatly reduced by some more detail. If you have ideas for chapters, be they continuing from the last one, or squeezed in between the ones we already have, please, write away!
Finally got around to reading it, and it twas good stuff. The chapters are too short for sure and it did rush through some of the things that should have been elaborated upon, such as what happened at the Apples' and the relationship, but otherwise no complaints.
Can't wait to see how this goes.
4082205
[gets good at 51 seconds].
and
Those are the funniest.
It could possibly have done with a bit more detail.
This story relies a little too heavily on implication. It's not too hard to work out what's happening, but it does take a little effort and breaks the focus and immersion of the reader (or at least it did for me).
It's possibly a little OOC for Rarity, and the swearing seems a little out of place, but it's not completely implausible - canon has done worse with the characters on a couple of occasions.
This chapter was WAAY better than the first two.
Just keep it going like this.
4052337 It's really not that hard to press the next chapter button a few times.
I'd rather have a well written fic with short chapters than a bad one with long chapters. This fic seems to get better as the chapters get shorter! (That doesn't mean you should try to make the chapters even shorter. Just keep the quality the same)
5607877 Really short chapters just do not attract my interests.
5607877
Eh, I'm kinda with Biker_Dash on this one. I much prefer to read long chapters. I'm just no good at writing them.
If I ever get round to updating and revising this, I'll bear your comments in mind.
Wow, uh, Applejack was pretty darn harsh there.
How did Sweetie get her muzzle close enough to herself to lick her own fillyhood?
6215271
Check the size of her head. She'd hardly have to bend.
And sorry for not replying. Never got notified, for some reason.
Well, it's over before it even began for good...
Kinda weird place to end a chapter too. It feels like a bigger chapter was cut in half.
And judging by the comments' dates, we aren't getting another half. A pity.
The down-pointy-thumb is directly above the comments, too.
6934917
There are down-pointy-thumbs everywhere for people to use. I think the site's biased against me.
Are we going to get another chapter someday?
6215271
Cartoon Logic. And children can be quite flexible, sometimes.
please continue this!