Dark Rites

by Sporkbacon

Foreword

Foreword

Excerpt from Andro Darkheart's personal journal:

"There has always been war in Equestria. Of course the war everypony knows about, the war of Princess Celestia versus her sister, Princess Luna, or as she was commonly known, Nightmare Moon. However, there is a war going on, even now, there are only a select few ponies that actually know the current situation. Demons have materialized in Equestria. They have found a way to walk the rift between their plane and ours.

One thousand and fifty years ago, before Celestia and Luna's reign, Demons rampaged the land. To combat these invaders, the current leader of what is now known as Equestria, decided to create an elite force of Demon Hunters. The force was named The Darkheart Detachment, in honor of High General Leonardo Darkheart. This secret organization was sent on a mission, by Leonardo, to destroy the demon threat, find out any information they could on them, and find out how they were entering our plane.

Overall, the assignment was a success. However, many lives were lost in the fight for Equestria. The demons proved too skilled for most of our warriors. Their magic was superior to ours at the time. By a stroke of luck, one of the spell casting demons had a book of spells in his pack. This book was later recovered and deciphered, slowly, into what is now known as the "Demonomicon". Later, more spellbooks were found on the battlefield. Slowly, the spellbooks were translated and compiled by our best scholars into the Demonomicon.

Demon magic requires sacrifice, usually by blood. This is why every time a spell caster uses a demonic spell, they bleed, get crippled, or worse. It is recommended to have a sacrificial creature, or a store of blood, to prevent the caster from physical harm. The way this works is when a spell is cast, the amount of blood required to complete the spell burns from within their veins. Some spell casters have an innate ability to cast some of the stronger demonic spells with minimal pain and blood loss.

The demons were eventually pushed back into their realms. Our spell casters used the first sealing spell ever cast by pony-kind at great cost. The spell demanded sacrifice, so the casters of this spell were killed by an unholy black fire. This sealing spell sent the target into the Nether-Plane instantly. We needed more time to study demon magic before we could combat them. Finally, we were confident enough in our abilities that we didn't seal them back into their plane. We decided to fight.

So the war raged on, with death on both sides. Our best unicorn, Andreah Darkheart, daughter of Leonardo, who trained in the most powerful magical arts, stood her ground against the coming demonic onslaught. She charged into battle, horn glowing black with demonic energy, drawing the largest demonic sealing circle anypony had ever seen under the entire horde of demons, and under herself as well. The spell completed and she was gone ever since. After Andreah disappeared, the demons came into our plane slower and slower, eventually to not even one sighting a week. We figured she made it to the other side and slew many demons before meeting her unfortunate end in the Nether-Plane. Shortly afterwards, we erected a memorial in her honor, for her valiant sacrifice, in the garden of Darkheart Manor.

Demon magic is fairly easy. It requires the caster to mentally draw an image of the spell's effect in their mind then physically manifest the spell in front of them to cast it, usually called "setting". Doing this in combat is not recommended because of the extreme focus required to maintain the spell. Standard sealing circles are inlaid with a pentagram, with demonic runes encircling between the inner circle, several inches in from the outermost circle depending on the size of the circle, and the outer circle. The points of the pentagram only reach the inside circle with black flames at the tips. Between the spaces of the star pattern, there are small demon hieroglyphics. These writings change from spell to spell, but detail the intent of the circle itself. So, if the circle was meant to restrain a target, it would contain the words for "circle", "restrain", and the name or type of creature being restrained. The more words that applied to the spell, the more powerful it is. Knowing the full name, race, and background of the target made the spell the most effective it could be.

The average Demon Hunter is well equipped, to say the least. Every Demon Hunter is required to wear the demon hunting uniform, have a demon hunting weapon, and other miscellaneous gear. This miscellaneous gear includes rope, small throwing weapons, grappling hook, caltrops, smoke bombs, and anything else the Demon Hunter might specifically like to have equipped. Demon hunting weapons vary on the user, but usually have three stages. The first being small, then medium, then usually a two-hoofed weapon. They can be anything from swords, axes, and maces, to pistols, crossbows, and magic throwing weapons. Magic throwing weapons can shoot flame, ice, lighting, or explosives at the target. Demon Hunters with magic throwing weapons are usually used to decrease morale and support the melee demon weapon users. Demon weapons are based on the user's bracelets. These bracelets are stolen from slain demons after battles are over, to equip new recruits. Weapon types are based off of the user's personality, combat skills, and tactical use.

There are several different types of Demon Hunters. Ranged squad use their range to take out targets from a distance. Tactical squad members are usually equipped with stealth enhancing uniforms, which allow them to take out important targets quickly and silently, without raising alarm. Most Demon Hunters are classified as "melee", this squad is equipped with heavy armor and powerful two-hoofed weapons, or dual wield, if they prefer. Support squad members take out the high priority targets that the Tactical squad can't touch.

This will be my last journal entry. I hope Spellflash forgives me for this when she gets older, I hope she understands that I'm not just abandoning her to our greatest enemy. Spell, if you're reading this I'm so sorry. There was no other way..."

(Several tears stain the page.)

Comments

[thephantur]

Okay I'm too sleepy to do the whole grammar thing right now so I'll leave that.

As for the plot in the prologue:

You did a good job of explaining the protagonist's background, her family, etc...

The main problem I found with it was that this great and powerful demon just seemed underwhelming. An immortal and one of the most powerful beings in the world would surely have a few extra tricks up its sleeve. That part could have been drawn out by letting the demon actually put up a fight.

As for the pentagram and sigils, maybe go a bit more indepth with what it looked like. I'm not a person to meddle with the arcane so, to me, a sigil is just a squiggly line amongst other squigglies, maybe go into some more detail on the spell preparations. Build it up and cause some suspense.

Once again, you got plenty of information out in the prologue. That is both good and bad. The prologue is supposed to set the scene, but it also functions as an introduction, your hook, line, and sinker. You have to draw your audience in with this.

In my opinion, a good idea would be to split this chapter into two. An introduction and a prologue. An introduction to explain the mechanisms of demon hunters, where they came from, etc... Because it kind of just "poof" was there and left me a bit startled at first: "demon hunter?" and then I got into the protagonist's childhood. It left me kind of confused.

So, my opinion would be, have an introduction giving us a nice backstory on demon hunting, sigils, pentagrams, etc... doesn't have to be long, but make it interesting and captivating. After that, have the prologue giving the character's background information. once again, doesn't have to be long since much of it should have been covered in the introduction.

Great start, will start on the rest now.

[Sporkbacon]

417309

Yeah, I know. My biggest problem is detail. The whole story was kind of like, basic ideas then add detail later.

So how should I split it then? I'm not completely sure where I should draw the line on lore/intro stuff. This is my first story I've released to the public so I'm not real knowledgeable of what to do.