• Published 13th Mar 2012
  • 1,613 Views, 104 Comments

Double-edged Sword - fic Write Off

/fic/ Write Off Mar 10 Entries

  • ...

Pinkie Learns About Double Edged Swords

Pinkie Pie knew something was wrong. No, it wasn’t something like from P-Day, a term she used to refer to her surprise birthday party with her friends last summer. At least her friends weren’t really avoiding her this time. No, It was something subtle. Something in the air. Her ears could almost hear the wrongness in the wind. Also, Applejack was telling her that she wasn’t coming to her after-after-after birthday party for Gummy.

“Sorry, Pinkie, but I’m swamped and Big Mac and Apple Bloom is off visitin’ Aunt Tabitha in Gerundville.”

Still, Pinkie gave AJ a reassuring smile. It wouldn’t do to show anything less than her game face after the last time. “It’s okay, Applejack! Things happen after all!”

A look of relief washed over Applejack’s freckled face. “Really? Gee, thanks.”

“We’ll just have to hold a sixty day catchup party when you’re free!”

Applejack’s expression fell almost immediately. Pinkie Pie blinked. She hadn’t expected that. Her friends all loved her parties right? They always did. I mean, sure, there was that one time where they totally avoided her for one day, but that ended in an awesome surprise party and all was forgiven.

“Uh... I guess. I mean, don’t you think we should be doing something else other than parties?”

“Huh?” Pinkie looked at her friend blankly.

“Never mind, Pinkie. I’ll be sure to be there when you plan for it.” Applejack tilted her hat back and looked at the clock tower in the distance. “Oh shoot, I’m runnin’ late. See ya!”

Pinkie just blinked as Applejack galloped off, trying to make sense of her friend’s last words. Then she shrugged. “Must be just her busy schedule again. She really needs to get out more often!”

Pinkie bounced happily around the room in Sugarcube Corner, making small talk to random ponies while searching for her friends. She finally found Twilight huddled in a corner, frantically holding a book up while trying to scoop juice into her cup. She wasn’t doing very well, from the way the ladle was swaying erratically.

“Heya Twilight! What’cha reading?” Pinkie greeted brightly, coming to a stop just beside the lavender unicorn.

Twilight seemed to have a mild seizure for a moment, sending the ladle flying across the room. Her book snapped shut as Twilight turned to face Pinkie. “Hey, Pinkie. Nice errr... party, don’t you think?”

Pinkie stopped and looked at Twilight curiously. “Of course it is. It’s a Pinkie party!”

“Yes. Your parties are great as usual.” Twilight’s eyes strayed past Pinkie’s shoulder for a moment, before returning to face her eyes. She beckoned Pinkie to come a little closer. “Um. Pinkie, don’t you think we should really cut down on parties. I mean, you know how it is with Spike and ice-cream.” She let out a nervous chuckle.

Pinkie glanced at the purple dragon who seemed to be enjoying himself, wearing an upturned lampshade and dancing about on the banquet table. Curiously though, there was no sign of ice-cream.

“Silly Twilight. I dropped the ice-cream after Spike got that nasty tummy ache.”

“Oh... right! Totally forgot about that. Um... but Spike is also on a diet see and... well...”

Pinkie arched an eyebrow. “Is he sick?”

“No, no! I mean, he has been trying to slim down... you know those muscles don’t come on their own and uh... well... there’s the whole unhealthy sweets he has been taking. Now I don’t know if dragons can have diabetes but-”

“Oooooooh! I get it! You want to...” Pinkie lowered her voice conspiratorially, “... prepare Spikey-Wikey together with Rarity aren’t you?” She winked at her friend and resumed the conversation in a more normal voice. “Can do! After all, we wouldn’t want to mess up his chance with you-know-who.”

“Who?” Spike shouted out from across the room, apparently having sixth sense in anything concerning Rarity.

Twilight grimaced. “N-Nothing, Spike. Just go and drink your punch.”

“Ponies these day...” the rest of his words was drowned out by the crowd.

“Don’t you worry Twilight, I’m sure to keep Spike away from parties from now on. Pinkie Promise!”

Twilight sighed, and laid her book on the table. “Look, Pinkie. It’s not that. It’s... well... your parties, it’s getting kind of...”

Pinkie knew that tone of voice. It meant something was wrong. She held a hoof up. “I knew it. I just knew it. My parties just aren’t enough anymore isn’t it?”

“Well, no, Pinkie, it’s just that... maybe your parties are becoming a little too—”

“Fine! I’ll make my parties even more spec-ta-cu-lar! Streamers! Balloons!” Pinkie cried, waving her hooves about.

“It’s not that, Pinkie, it’s—”

“What? That isn’t enough?! Fine, I’ll throw in my party cannons as well!”

Twilight shook her head. “Pinkie, you’re not listening—”

Pinkie pointed a hoof at Twilight’s snout. “Fine. If that’s how you want to play it, I’ll solve it... Pinkie Pie Style!” The party pony bounched off with a huff, leaving a bewildered Twilight.

Pinkie peered around the corner of the house, watching for any signs of her friends. So, somepony thinks my parties are not good enough, huh? Well I’ll show them. First, I need to see what they think is lacking. Since they won’t tell me upfront, I’ll just have to dig them out myself.

The disguise Pinkie had chosen was her classic. Mustache and glasses would cover her distinctive snout and eye colour perfectly! The clown wig was just icing on the cake. Nopony would notice her. The perfect disguise for a perfect stake out.

The steady hoofsteps of somepony approaching caught her sharp ears. It sounded like two ponies actually. Rarity’s refined speech and Twilight’s reasoned responses drifted by. Pinkie quickly dove into a prepared camouflage bush nearby just as she heard the hoofsteps turn the corner.

“I don’t know Rarity. Pinkie seemed to have taken it pretty hard.”

“Nonsense darling. It’s about time somepony told her that her parties are really starting to lose their shine.”

Pinkie could feel her tears well up. It was one thing to have inferred the exact same thing from her friend. It was another thing to actually hear them being spoken out loud. Did her friends... really think she was losing her edge? Her parties were no more... fun? Pinkie felt herself sinking into another depression. A feeling she knew all too well. So absorbed she was by the deep soul-crushing feeling that by the time she cared enough to pay attention to the conversation, she was heard Rainbow Dash speaking.

“... doubled-edged sword?”

A pause hung in the air, before Twilight’s voice responded. “Well, see now, a double-edged sword...”

Double-edged sword? Pinkie blinked away her tears, trying to process this new phrase. Was it something important? For some reason it stirred something in her mind.

By the time she tuned back into the conversation, Twilight and Rarity was saying goodbye to Rainbow and seemed to be moving on. Pinkie stuck a cautious head outside the bush, only to see Twilight’s tail disappearing around another corner.

“Double-edged sword huh?”

Pinkie Pie spent the entire day brooding on this. Why did that single phrase bother her so much? She searched high. She searched low. Alas, she wasn’t Rarity, and she felt drained after scrambling her mind for something. Anything.

In frustation she took her books on theories of party-making out. The Big Manual of Parties, Abridged Edition. The Heart and Soul of Parties. Legends and Myths of Party Accessories. Pinkie stopped and blinked at the last title. When did she even get this book? On a hunch she flipped through the book, skimming through the various items of note and legend that has been used in parties of past.

Then she stopped as she spied a certain name in the book, her eyes widening. Twilight knew! She was dropping her a hint! Sly girl. I knew she wouldn’t let Pinkie down. She began reading the passage out loud.

“The Double-Edged Sword of Banquet. Said to be... yadda yadda. OOoooooh! A hit in every party that Chancellor Puddinghead ever attended!” She frowned as she read the last paragraph. “Unfortunately, the sword was said to be lost in the chaos of Discord’s reign... yadda... yadda... Oooooh! Is rumoured to be somewhere near the lost city of Los Bullador.”

Pinkie let the book drop, and put a hoof to her chest. “I will get that sword, if it’s the last thing I do! For nopony in Equestria will be better at parties than I am!”

Then it dawned on her.

“But where would I find the sword?”

The smoky hut was dim. The only source of light here was the flickering lamp hanging low in the middle of the tent. All around, items of various age stacked up against the walls of the tent. There seems to be a desk set right at the end of the tent. To any sane pony, it would like the perfect setup for a trap.

Pinkie didn’t mind. She was, after all, on a super-duper important mission to make her parties better and her friends happy. Nothing could detract her from that! She had taken the first train out of town towards Baltimare, where the famous archaeologist Rosetta Stone was said to be camping out on her latest trip.

“Miss Stone? Helllooooooooooooooo~!”

“Quiet! I’m in the middle of examining this err... precious stone tablets. What do you want?” a raspy dry voice cried out from the darkness. Pinkie could see the silhouette of a pegasi there, but she couldn’t make out any details.

“I heard from this totally dapper pegasus on the station that you’re the goto pony for lost and missing items that are super hard to find, and see now I have to super hard thing I need to have to find so that—”

“Get to the point missy. I am a very busy person with uh... important stuff to do.”

“Right! So I’m looking for this super hard to find thing that is supposedly lost around here um... the Double-Edged Sword of Banquet?”

“... The what now?”

“Double-Edged Sword of Banquet. You know. The one party to rule them all, party for the party god kind of stuff. I need it for my parties. You’re the only pony that seems to know what this is around this parts, so here I am!”

The dark figure shifted and walked over to the lamp. The entire tent was suddenly illuminated as the light in the lamp flared brightly. “Listen, I think you got the wrong—” Rosetta began.

“No uh, that nice pegasus in the station said you know everything about ancient super duper old stuff and digs them out from old musty tombs. So you must know where this sword is.”

Rosetta sighed. “Fine, I’ll look into it, how soon do you need it?”

“Now, silly. I wouldn’t be asking if I needed next week, wouldn’t I?” Pinkie answered promptly.

The archaeologist chewed the bottom of her lips nervously. “I shall require a payment of a hundred bits. No less.”

Pinkie dug through her saddlebags, producing a heavy bags of bits that she set down on the nearby table. “Done! Do you know where it is now?”

Rosetta’s eyes bulged at the bag of bits, and she quickly carried the bag over to her personal desk at the end of the tent. A palpable silence followed, broken only by the sound of bits clinking about. Pinkie Pie just waited patiently, waiting for her to finish counting the bits.

“Well.” Rosetta cleared her throat. “I would require an hour to draw up the directions on a suitable map. Would that be satisfactory?”

“An hour? What am I going to do in hour?!”

“... Fine. Half an hour?”

“Boorrriiiiinnnngggggggg!” Pinkie’s eyes strayed to a shiny vase on top of a pile of crates. “Oh... what does this do?”

“Don’t touch that!” Rosetta cried out, quickly stopping Pinkie from potentially toppling an unevenly stacked pile of crates. “Just. Just sit here while I get the necessary intstruments.”

“Are you sure that’s correct? Because I thought Trottingham was like super far away from Canterlot and—”

“Just. Take. This. And. Go.” Rosetta ground out, clearly at the end of her patience now. She pushed the finished map, complete with hastily scrawled directions.

Pinkie snatched up the the map and peered closely. “Heeyyyyyyyyyyy, wait a minute!” she said, frowning.

Rosetta seemed to freeze. “Is... Is something wrong? I swear, all of that is true and accurate. Also, no refunds!” Her hooves closed around the bag of bits protectively.

“Something seems wrong...”

Rosetta swallowed nervously. “What is it?”

Pinkie looked at the archaeologist severely. “Is the X here marking the treasure, or the circle? Because you totally put both in there and technically speaking a circle is less precise than an X because it would mark a huge area which then I’d have to dig and-”

Rosetta hastily grabbed the map off Pinkie and took out a pen. “The X! The X! Here, let me make the corrections!” She crossed out the circle and double lined the X. “Here! Now go! Before you’re too late to take the next train to Trottingham.”

“Okie-dokie! Thank you so much Miss Archaeologist!” Pinkie hugged the stunned Rosetta, before cheerfully bouncing out of the tent.

Rosetta stared at the open flap of her tent for a while longer, before shakily going back to her desk and pouring out her favourite brandy.

“I need a new job.”

Pinkie looked at her map for the umpeetenth time. According to it, she was supposed to be in the right location. Yet, all she could see was tall trees and bushes surrounding her.

“Huh. Weird. I thought there was supposed to be a clearing or something. Maybe I took a wrong turn.” Pinkie pushed back the pith hat she purchased in Baltimare and stowed the map back into her saddlebags. “Well, I guess I could look around.”

After several minutes of fruitlessly peering into empty bushes and searching bird nests on trees, Pinkie flopped onto her haunches, pouting. “Hey, this isn’t right. That nice lady in Baltimare said it was here...” She took out the map again, and studied it closely.

“Oh! Silly me! It’s five kilometres to the right, not four.” Pinkie giggled, and bounced off to where she was supposed to be. Much to her delight, she arrived at a clearing, illuminated brightly by the morning sun. And in the middle, is her goal. The prized sword, stuck in the stone. Pinkie bounced happily towards the sword, admiring the soon-to-be-hers artifact.

It looked like an ordinary broadsword, complete with a wooden pommel. The first thing that caught her eye was how shiny and sharp the sword was, despite its supposed age. The second was the intricate wooden pommel that decorated the hilt of the large sword. “Huh. Guess somepony must have been taking care of it. Wonder why it was stuck in a stone.” Pinkie shrugged and clamped her mouth on the hilt. With one mighty heave, she pulled at the hilt.


Frowning, Pinkie braced her forehooves on the rock and tried again. Not an inch. “Oh... so that’s how you wanna play it, huh? No rock is going to foil Pinkie’s plan to be the party queen of Equestria!” The earth pony shrugged off her saddlebags and dug her hooves on the ground, all the while maintaining a steady grip on the guard.

Still nothing.

Pinkie let loose a string of unpony words as her efforts was rendered moot. She kicked the rock in frustation. “C’mon you stupid rock!”

“Hey! That is the property of Lights Interactive!”

“Twilight, do you have any idea what kind of super special party Pinkie is hosting today?” Rarity asked, glancing around at the gaudily decorated town hall. Even for Pinkie Pie’s standard, this was shaping up to one of her biggest parties yet. No small feat, considering she had outdone Canterlot’s Annual Polo Party during her last attempt.

Twilight shrugged. “No idea, Rarity. All I know that she came back from her trips to Baltimare with a large box in tow. Something about a super duper suprise to make her the parties of all parties today. Pinkie being Pinkie I guess.”

Rarity grimaced. “Let’s hope it’s not another of her bubblegum cravings again. I guess we’ll find out when she arrives.”

“Fillies and gentlecolts!” a loud voice boomed over the speakers installed at town hall.

Twilight and Rarity found themselves looking towards the stage as the din in the large hall died down. A loud jaunty tune began to play, with bagpipes and trumpets leading a dramatic, yet upbeat song. Twilight found herself wondering why Pinkie was using a music more appropriate for the days of the Tribal Wars rather than her traditional party tunes.

Then she saw why as a figure stepped out from the curtains. Pinkie Pie, dressed in her Chancellor Puddinghead costume. How she managed to lift it from the Canterlot Royal Theatre, Twilight would probably never know.

“Behold! New Pinkie has arrived with the Double-Edged Sword of Banquet! Feast in my halls and despair!” Pinkie announced, pulling a rope by her side. The curtains at the stage parted to reveal a sword stuck in the stone.

“The Sword compels you to have fun in my parties.”

Twilight cringed at the hammy speech. Did she really take her subtle hint that badly?

“Now the Sword decrees that you may enjoy the party and have cake. For cake is good and everyony likes cake anyway!”

Twilight knew right there and then, she need to put a stop to this. With a flash of her horn, she blinked right to the stage.

“Hey, Twilight! Like my new sword? It already makes my party one hundred percent more fun!”

“Pinkie. We need to ta—”

“Best of all, that nice pony in Trottingham helped me to bring it to the train. That was so nice of him really since we talked all the way from the forest to the set he was building and then to the train station and he was such a good listener too and-”


“And then when I offered to pay him for his nice gesture of helping me he just shoved me on the-”


Pinkie fluttered her eyelashes demurely. “Yes, Twilight?”

“We need to talk.”

“Wait, wait, wait. So you’re telling me that it’s not that you don’t like my party, but you don’t like me hosting them too often?”

Twilight forced a smile to her face. “Yes. Pinkie. We uhh... tried telling you, but you seemed rather upset by it.”

“Well, I thought you were telling me that my parties were no fun anymore and...” Pinkie’s voice softened a little. “... you wouldn’t want to be my friends...”

“Nonsense, Pinkie darling. You know we’re better than that.”

Applejack put a hoof on Pinkie’s shoulder. “Pinkie, what we’re trying to tell you is, sometimes, too much of a good thing can be bad. I mean, we all love parties, but you know, sometimes a pony just needs to relax, ya’know.”

“Yeah, Pinkie. Having an after-birthday party is fine. But an after-after-after-after-after birthday party? That kinda takes the cake. Figuratively speaking of course.” Twilight added.

Pinkie was a little deflated. “I... see.”

“C’mon Pinkie. Cheer up. All we’re asking is that you do something different once in a while.”

“Yeah... sorry everypony. I thought you guys enjoyed it, so I thought I should hold more parties. I only wanted to make you guys happy.”

Twilight let out a short laugh. “Oh Pinkie. We know you do. That’s why we love you.” The lavender unicorn embraced Pinkie in a tight hug.

“And that doesn’t mean you can’t find other ways to let us have fun. A relaxing game of polo for example. Actually, that sounds rather divine at the moment.” Rarity steepled her hooves together and sighed wistfully.

Pinkie brightened up immediately. “Hey, you know what this calls for? A par—” A sharp look from Twilight silenced that word immediately. The party pony sheepishly smiled. “How about a nice quiet game of chess instead?”

“Chess?! Since when do you play chess?” her other five friends exclaimed simultaneously.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today, my friends taught me about the importance of moderation. I think it’s a fancy word for having too much of something is bad, but I’m not sure. Twilight says I should use it though because it is the correct word for this, so here it is! You think ponies loving parties would like to have them everyday. Wrong! Too much of a good thing can be bad, and sometimes we all just need a change at times. Twilight called it a double edged sword, but I think it’s silly.

In other news, playing with Rarity in chess was fun. I’m not sure why she keeps asking for a rematch, considering I won 14 times in a row, but I guess she must like the game very much. Anyway, it’s nice writing to you, Princess. I hope we can stop by the Grand Galloping Gala again. That way I can show them my new shiny double-edged sword!

Your partilicious pony, Pinkie Pie

Rosetta was deep in thought at her tent, trying to decipher a new stone tablet. She looked up as the tent flap rustled open, half-expecting the crazy pink pony to show up again. To her relief, it was the familiar cyan face of her old friend.

“Hey, Frostfire, what brings you to Baltimare?”

“Just stopping by. Say, did a crazy pink pony visit you today?”

“Wait, you were the one who directed her to me?!”

Frostfire shrugged helplessly. “Actually, I just mentioned to her in the train station that you might be able to help. She took off in a pink blur after that. What did she want anyway? She was speaking too fast for me to actually tell what she wanted, apart that she was looking for something old.”

“The Double-Edged Sword of Banquet actually. An interesting artifact, I read about it after she left and let me have some peace. Turns out there really was such a thing and...”

“Hold on. If you didn’t even know what it is...”

“Yes, I drew her a map to get rid of her. Led her to some random forest in Trottingham.”

Frostfire frowned. “... That’s just cruel.”

Rosetta held up her hooves in self-defense. “She was really insistent that I know something. It wasn’t anywhere dangerous, I swear! Anyway, if she comes back, I’ll happily give her the location of the real sword. I managed to pinpoint its location based on the history records of the good Chancellor Puddinghead and her subsequent sucessors.”

“Oh? Where is it?”

“Some hick town called Ponyville.”

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