Zecora
Twilight ran through the Everfree Forest, constantly checking behind her to make sure that nothing was following her. After that dream, she was paranoid. That dream not only felt real, but it felt like it meant something. But what? That's why Twilight was going to Zecora's. Zecora, being the only one who knew about these things, was the only one who could help. And maybe she could tell Twilight more about the book she had found earlier.
Before she knew it, Twilight had arrived at Zecora's home. She knocked on the door. It took Zecora a minute to get to the door (seeing as it was 2 in the morning). Zecora opened the door. She was still half asleep. She did not look pleased to see Twilight standing at her door.
"Yes, Twilight? You coming in the night gave me quite a fright" said Zecora in her usual rhyming pentameter.
"I need your help. I had a dream, no, a nightmare and I need to see if you can interpret it. And i also have a book i need you to look at" Twilight told the zebra.
Zecora looked at Twilight with a confused look on her face, but then smiled and said, "Come in, my friend! To your need, we will attend!"
Twilight followed Zecora into the hut. There were different potions, plants, and ingredients lined up on shelves on the wall. Twilight sat down at the table in the center of the room. Zecora brought over two cups of her home-made tea. It was Twilight's favorite. Zecora sat down across from Twilight and looked at her as if she was studying some sort of new species of animal.
"You had a dream that frightened you" asked Zecora. She was in deep though thinking about what could have scared Twilight so much.
Twilight was sobbing quietly into her hooves, holding back tears. She had never been this terrified before.
"Yes. It wasn't just any regular nightmare though. I felt that it had a deeper, darker meaning. It felt as if I were actually there" Twilight said in a quavering voice to Zecora as she began to drink the tea. "I knew that you were the only one who could help me."
Zecora pondered what Twilight had said. She had heard of dreams that felt real, but this was different. She sensed that the dream not only felt real to Twilight, but it also felt real to her. It felt as if something had been controlling Twilight's dream, causing this fear to be instilled in her. Zecora could feel the presence of a darker force causing this.
"I have an idea to see what it means. But first, we will have to enter your dreams" said Zecora as she walked over to her wall of potions.
"Enter my dreams? What do you mean, Zecora" asked Twilight, who was obviously confused at the zebra's plan.
Zecora poured a bottle of a dark colored liquid into her large kettle. "I mean exactly what I said. We will have to enter into your head" she stated. "This brew will let me enter into your dream and help you find what it means. But you seem nervous it seems."
She was right. Twilight was nervous. She had no knowledge that something like that was even possible. But it was also Zecora we're talking about here, so it didn't surprise her that it was possible.
"But don't worry! We will be out in a hurry" Zecora said with a smile on her face, trying to calm Twilight.
"What do you mean 'we'" exclaimed Twilight in a harsh voice. "I thought that you would be able to do it on your own!" Twilight was getting even more nervous now. Not because Zecora was going into her dreams, but because she would have to relive the whole thing again. She didn't like the thought of that. It was terrifying enough the first time! But she also knew that the only way to find out what was going on was to do this.
"I need you, my friend, to re-enact the dream. Besides, we are a team" Zecora told Twilight. Zecora brought over two cups of her brew and set one in front of Twilight. Twilight was hesitant about doing this.
"On the count of three" said Twilight. "One, Two, Three." They both downed the potion and everything went dark.
* * * * * * * *
Twilight began to run. She was back where she was before, but only this time, Zecora was with her. They both ran as fast as they could, trying to keep away from this black cloud. Twilight didn't dare look back, even though she knew what was following them. Zecora looked behind them and saw the black cloud. She turned back around and even had a look of fear on her face. She could feel the pure evil flowing from this mysterious cloud. This was serious. She had never seen anything like this before.
They continued to run for what seemed to be an eternity. Twilight then realized what part of the dream this was. "Zecora! It's going to catch up to us! I remember this! Run" Twilight yelled to Zecora. As soon as Twilight said that, the cloud engulfed them both, and everything turned to black.
* * * * * * * *
Twilight and Zecora woke up terrified. Even Zecora was frightened by what had just happened. "You said you brought a book. May i take a look" asked Zecora. Twilight pulled out the book and gave it to Zecora. She recognized the book as being a book written by one of her own kind, a zebra named Septimus Sigmus.
Zecora opened the book and began to look through it. She spent about 20 minutes searching through the book. Suddenly, something caught her eye. She closed the book and gave it back to Twilight. "Look at page 214, it will help with you with your dream" said Zecora.
Twilight took the book and put it in her saddlebag. "Thanks Zecora. I will look at the book in the morning" said Twilight. She left Zecora's hut and headed home.
When she arrived home, it was 7 A.M. and Spike was making breakfast. "Hey Twilight! Where have you been? i made you pan..." He was cut off by the sound of Twilight snoring.
"Oh Twilight. You go ahead and sleep. I'll just eat your pancakes!"
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Hello there Rangeralex22,
My name's Sneaks, please just refer to me as Jerry. After reading your story I was very much impressed with your writing style yet it fell flat on executing the idea in your head properly. The chapters are much too short to be chapters(Minimum for a chapter is 1k in my opinion) but that's another discussion.
What did I like?
-Writing Style
-The original idea
-Explanation on what went on
What I didn't like?
-Very short "chapters"
-The less-than-adequately executed idea
-A gender confusion on Lightning Dust(she's a female, colt is usually reserved for a small male horse as stated here:
"colt
kōlt/
noun
noun: colt; plural noun: colts
1.
a young, uncastrated male horse, in particular one less than four years old."
A final rating on this? 5/10.
-I am very neutral about this. Your writing style makes me want to give you a better rating but with the faults of the story in execution and otherwise I can only give you a 5/10. Just get better at making longer chapters and executing your ideas and you'll be a great author/fanfic-writer in no time!
~Jerry
3410929 hi jerry! Thank you for reading my story. And also thank you for pointing those things out to me. In the rest of the story, the chapters will be much longer and have much more meat to them you could say. They won't fall flat. And when I put lightning dust, I wasn't even thinking! It was later at night, so I was, again, not thinking. I will go back and change that to be correct! If you see anything else that could use changing further on please don't hesitate to let me know! Thanks!
-Alex
I feel this story has some potential, especially since you released it near Halloween it's just that.... well, the narration felt uninspiring for me it feels like everything is rushed and not a lot is explained
you can practically fit all the three chapters in one! seriously
but I do like the story. or at least the concept of it.
like jerry said, you should make your chapters longer! you can make stories longer by adding more but not too much detail to the situations, actions, and... well, descriptions! thus making it more immersive and more attractive to read and will be more fun for yourself!
my first fan fic started with around 3000 words, that's only one chapter and a prologue. when I wrote my second chapter it reached around 6000, twice of all I read so far... what the hell right? but I kinda got ahead of myself, you should keep your chapters at least more or less the same amount of words.
the whole point is to have fun and love what you do, don't rush it too much. I'm telling you this because I know you can do it and improve the story
so work on the next chapter already.
3411002
I can't wait to see it happen, followed and liked. If you ever need any help just message me! I haven't had any successful writings on FIMfiction for the ponyverse but that's usually because of the fact I don't have time to do enough work on them to make them good.
Anyway, just contact me if you need any help!
~Jerry
3411096 I have taken all these things into consideration and am going to do this throughout the rest of the story! Hopefully you won't be dissapointed!
hey guys! i really edited this a lot so it's much better now. i hope you enjoy it!
3411096 hey! i took into consideration what you said, and made the chapters longer. the third chapter is only about 1000 words, but the chapters will get longer as i go and get more into the story! thanks for your help!
3413846
Heeeey! now you're on to something here! great job that's exactly what I'm talking about
and zecora's rhymes are seamless, don't worry! it's even better than how I wrote her... well uh only a little better ahem
writing zecora is hard, so it's understandable. but what I'm really interested in seeing is how you'll interpret pinkie pie, assuming you will of course.
wooooo... the burden of high expectations! waaaa, how will our writer handle his critic? find out next chapter on 'Don't go into the woods' on your nearest fan fiction site!
warning: viewer discretion is advised, apparently
3414713 thanks! Pinkie Pie should be a little easier than Zecora to do (I'm glad you thought zecoras rhymes were ok. That was hard!). The gore and dark tags will become more relevant in later chapters. It's going to be awesome!
Ok everyone. I basically re-write the whole first chapter and have done some minor editing to the other 2 chapters. I'm probably going to start chapter 4 tomorrow. I'm really hoping that it will turn out well and that everyone will like it. The teen and gore labels will take effect later on in the story. So just hold on! It'll get there!