A Nice Cup of Tea

by Mannulus

Evil Eyeliner

A Nice Cup of Tea

A Misadventure of Derpy Hooves

By Mannulus

Chapter 1: Evil Eyeliner

Boxxy Brown sat at his desk, tapping his hoof impatiently on its weathered surface. He sipped at his coffee, and growled in his throat, his face fixed in an ugly scowl. He was staring at the clock on the wall of his office. He sat that way for several minutes, until the clock read 8:14.

With another growl, he stood, and stepped to the window.

“Right on schedule,” he said.

He lifted the window open, and stepped to the side.

A gray and yellow blur hurtled in through the open window, and slammed itself onto an old, plaid sofa he had placed across the room years ago for this exact purpose.

“Morning, Derpy,” he grumbled.

“Morning, Boxxy,” said the mare, upside-down, with her head at an uncomfortable-looking angle. One of her saddlebags popped open, and several muffins spilled out of it. She fumbled after them with her hooves, but a couple landed on the floor, nonetheless.

“Aw,” she whined. “I was gonna have those two with lunch.”

“You were gonna have half a dozen others with lunch, too,” said Boxxy. “Get over it.”

“But still,” sighed Derpy. “I was looking forward to that.”

“I'm sure,” said Boxxy.

“I'm sorry for being late... again,” said Derpy.

“Save it,” said Boxxy. “Got a special job for you, today, and I don't wanna hear any ifs, ands, or buts.”

Derpy righted herself, and looked at the big stallion curiously.

“Special job?”

“We've got a package that needs to go to Canterlot, and the train got out of the station before I could get it on the mail car.”

“Well, can't you just set it aside until tomorrow?” asked Derpy.

“It's for Princess Celestia,” said Boxxy.

“Oh,” said Derpy, then her head dropped. “Oh, no.”

“What's your problem?” asked Boxxy.

“Special deliveries just... make me nervous,” said Derpy. “Don't ask.”

“Wasn't planning on it,” said Boxxy.

He walked over to his desk and nudged a small, oblong brown box that sat on top of it.

“This is gonna be so simple even you can't screw it up,” he said. “Take it to the castle, have security check you in, and leave it with her Chief Aid, Raven. No muss. No fuss.”

“Well that sounds easy!” said Derpy, cheerfully.

She hopped to her hooves, and slid the box into her delivery bag.

“Do I get overtime pay?” she asked. “It'll be pretty late tonight before I'm back.”

“Sure, whatever,” said Boxxy. “Just get this right. A mistake on something like this makes the whole operation look bad.”

“Yessiree!” said Derpy, and out the door she went.

***

After a quick stop by Rose's flower stand to arrange for the earth pony to watch her daughter after she was done with school for the day, Derpy winged her way towards Canterlot. Given her past history with special deliveries, a sordid tale involving everything from dragons to parasprites to mad unicorn scientists, Derpy found the flight downright pleasant. Nothing tried to eat her. Nothing tried to steal her muffins. She even got to stop and have a nice, peaceful lunch in a meadow below Canterlot. A half hour's worth of updrafts later, and she gently sat her hooves on the cobblestone pavement of Canterlot's West End.

“Wow, this place is pretty,” she said, looking around at the tall, elegant buildings and the silhouette of the palace in the distance. “I've gotta bring Dinky here on a day trip, some time.”

She couldn't fly directly to the castle. Ever since the changeling attack, the area for one mile around it had been designated a no-fly zone. Still, she didn't mind. It made for a nice walk, especially in the late afternoon sun of early autumn.

As she approached the lowered drawbridge of the castle gate, a guard called down to her from one of the towers immediately adjacent the gatehouse.

“State your business!”

“Equestrian Parcel Service!” shouted Derpy. “I have a package for Princess Celestia!”

“You'll have to be cleared with Security!” came his response, “but go ahead and cross.”

Derpy trotted across the drawbridge. She had never seen the inside of the castle grounds before, and the prospect excited her.

A pair of guards stopped her.

“Credentials?” asked one of them, a big, black unicorn.

“Uh, the bags?” said Derpy.

The other guard, this one a white pegasus, nudged his compatriot.

“Come on,” he said. “Nopony but the EPS has those brown bags, and does she really look dangerous?”

The other guard looked at the little mare's slightly timid, wall-eyed stare, and shrugged.

“Yeah, you're right,” he said. “Just one second.”

He pointed his horn at the brown bags. Both it and the bags glowed for a moment.

“No bombs, no black magic, no potions, no cameras, and no weapons that I can pick up on,” said the black unicorn, “but I get the weirdest craving for, like... scones, or something like that.”

“Imagine that,” said Derpy, blushing slightly.

“Whatever,” said the guard. “Go on in.”

Derpy nodded cheerily at the guard, and continued past the gate.

“First security checkpoint passed,” she said. “This is gonna be an easy day, after all.”

She approached a second large gate, this one the main gate of the castle keep. Two more unicorn guards awaited her.

“Name and business,” said one of them.

“Wow, security's really tight around here,” said Derpy.

The other unicorn, who was leaning lazily against he wall, gave a yawn.

“She's EPS,” he said. “It's just a package. They scanned her at the gate. Weren't you watching?”

“Well, you can't be too careful,” said the other guard. “You remember a couple of years ago when they found evidence that someone had broken into the Archives in the middle of the night? And that was with full patrols, and everything!”

“Yeah, I know,” replied the lazy guard. “Poor archivists will still have a breakdown if you ask 'em if they ever figured out what the guy stole. Wouldn't it be funny if he didn't actually take anything?” He snickered. “Guess we'll never know; go on in.”

Derpy gave another smile and another nod, and walked through the door.

A small desk sat just inside. A golden nameplate sitting on top of it read “RAVEN, Chief Aid to Princess Celestia.” The desk, itself, however, was vacant. Derpy looked around, and sighed.

“Knew it couldn't be that easy,” she said.

A guard standing by the main stairwell, walked over.

“She's only there in the mornings. Princess Celestia is holding court at the moment, so Raven will be in the throne room.”

“Oh,” said Derpy. “Will they even let me in there?”

“If you have legitimate business,” shrugged the guard.

“Well, it's a package addressed directly to the Princess,” said Derpy.

“Probably counts,” said the guard. “Just wait in line like everypony else. It's up the stairs. Just follow the big, red carpet.”

“Thanks!” said Derpy. “Everypony's being so nice to me, today.”

“Well, you gotta let EPS do your thing, or the whole country would shut down,” said the guard, and he returned to his post.

Derpy glided up the stairs, and followed the carpet, as instructed. When she came to the door of the throne room, she was surprised to find it open. There was nopony inside but the guards – not even the Princess, or the elusive Raven.

“Hello, o, o, o, o,” her voiced echoed in the huge hall.

Every guard's head turned towards her.

“Wow this place is echoey,” she whispered to herself.

“I have a package for the Princess,” she said. “I just need to give it to Raven, if anyone can point me towards her. It has to go directly into her hooves, and I have to get a signature.”

“Oh, no problem,” said a nearby guard. “They're in the war room, at the moment. Follow me.”

He led Derpy back out of the throne room, down a long hall with several large, stained-glass windows, all of which bore mosaics depicting various important events in Equestrian history.

“I've always wanted to see this,” she said.

“Ah, it gets old after awhile,” said the guard, “but seeing somepony else looking at it for the first time always reminds me how impressive it really is. I mean, look at you; it's sending you cross-eyed.”

"Uh, yeah," said Derpy, coolly. "That's what's doing it."

He led her down a nearby flight of stairs, and down another small corridor.

“Here we are,” he said finally, and he knocked on the door.

“Who is it?” came a gruff, male voice from inside.

“Equestrian Parcel Service!” said the guard. “There's a package for the Princess."

“Oh, thank goodness,” said a female voice. “Let them in!”

The door opened, and Derpy stepped inside.

She was shocked to see Princess Celestia, the missing aid, Raven, and a third pony, a big, black stallion with a scarred face wearing a military dress uniform.

Derpy gave a quick, nervous bow, and then fumbled in her delivery bag, quickly producing the package.

“Ah,” said Celestia. “My eyeliner.”

“Really? Eyeliner?” grumbled the stallion to whom she had been speaking.

“My eyes are the size of cantaloupes,” said Celestia. “I have to get my eyeliner pencils custom made, and I don't trust anypony to get it right but this one particular unicorn that lives in Ponyville. Rarity? You may have heard of her. She helped save the world about three or four times, now.”

Yeah, and she gets me in more trouble, thought Derpy.

Celestia levitated the package out of Derpy's grasp, and sat it on a big, square table in the center of the room. There was a huge map of Equestria spread out over the table, with tiny models of airships clustered around an area just north of Baltimare Harbor.

“How did you even get in here?” asked the mean-looking stallion.

“I'm EPS,” said Derpy, sheepishly. “They just sort of... let me in.”

“I'll have to have a talk with the guards about that,” said the square-jawed, black pony.

The big stallion huffed.

“At any rate, thank you,” said Celestia. Then, she noticed Derpy fishing out her clipboard.

“Oh,” she said. “Silly me. Raven, could you sign that, please?”

She turned back to the big military stallion as Raven approached Derpy, and levitated the clipboard out of her teeth.

“Just sign here, here, here...” Derpy began, listening with one ear to Celestia's conversation as she indicated each spot where Raven needed to leave a signature.

“As I was saying” said the big stallion, “we've tracked the pirates to this small, natural harbor just north of Baltimare, -- a cove, one might even say -- but a frontal assault won't do us any good. We've thought we had them pinned down before, but every time we get there, they're just gone, somehow. We think they're using some kind of magic to detect the fleet's approach.”

“and here... and right here. Twice here.” Raven obediently continued to sign the documents, and Derpy continued to listen, too curious for her own good, as usual.

“We've tried commando tactics,” said the big stallion, “but they picked up on those, too. By the time the team gets in, they're just not there, anymore. Whoever's at the head of this operation, they've got some kind of really powerful scrying magic on their side; that's for sure.”

“I see,” said Celestia.”

“Once on each line on this page, and we'll need your father's bachelor name right here,” said Derpy, still listening.

“It's almost like we'd have to walk right up to the door in plain sight, and just ask politely for them to let us in,” said Celestia, “but how could we ever...”

She stopped mid-sentence, and turned her head towards Derpy.

“You.”

“Did I do something wrong?” asked Derpy, then she quickly turned her head towards Raven. “Backwards there – in print. Middle initial right next to that asterisk.”

“You say they just let you in here?” asked the big stallion.

“Well, why wouldn't they?” asked Celestia. “She's not exactly threatening, and she's got the bags.”

The stallion's eyes narrowed.

“No, not threatening at all, is she? And she has the bags.”

Derpy gulped.

“Signoncemoreonthatlastpage,Ms.Raven,andI'lljustbeonmyway.”

Raven had barely finished signing the paper before Derpy took the clipboard, and stuffed it back into her bag.

“Have a lovely evening, Your Highness.” She gave a quick bow, and turned for the door.

“WAIT!” said Celestia and the stallion in perfect unison.

Derpy froze midstep.

“I hate my job,” she mumbled through gritted teeth.

Celestia stepped around the table slowly, accompanied by the big, black unicorn.

“How would you like to do your country a great service, Ms...?

“Hooves,” sighed Derpy. “Derpy Hooves.”

“Derpy,” smiled Celestia, and something in her tone reassured the pegasus. “That's a nice name; plain and well-meaning.”

Derpy whimpered. She was a klutz, and a bit slow on the uptake, but even she could see where this was going.

“This is Brainwash,” said Celestia, indicating the big stallion, “my chief intelligence officer.”

“Hi,” whimpered Derpy, noticing that his cutie mark was, in fact, an actual brain surrounded by soapsuds.

The stallion nodded, and cleared his throat.

“Do you read the newspaper, Ms. Hooves?” asked Celestia.

“Not really,” said Derpy.

“Then you wouldn't know,” said Brainwash. “There's been a rash of piracy off the east coast for the last six months. The attacks are all perpetrated by an unusual warship. It's bright red, and appears to be an obsolete Trottingham model used during the griffon war.”

“No jolly roger?” asked Derpy.

“That too,” said Celestia, “but you know; pirates.”

“Of course,” said Derpy.

“Their captain calls himself Magenta-with-a-Saffron-Stripe-Beard,” said Celestia, “but that's obviously an alias.”

“I bet his beard isn't even that color,” said Derpy.

“It would be ingenious,” said Raven, her voice devoid of all inflection.

“A pegasus patrol followed them to an area north of Baltimare after their last attack,” said Brainwash, “but they disappeared into a fog bank that seemed to come out of nowhere. There's only one place in that area where an airship of the size they're using could possibly be anchored, a natural harbor with a high mountain range around it just north of the area where they disappeared.”

“If we send a fleet to chase after them,” said Celestia, “They'll just be gone by the time it gets there, like before.”

“And if we send in a commando force of some kind,” said Brainwash, “They'll be just as gone.”

“But if we sent them a package,” said Celestia, “a special delivery for Magenta-with-a-Saffron-Stripe-Beard, himself, maybe, just maybe, they wouldn't see it coming.”

“Oh, come now,” said Derpy, “What makes you think that?”

“Scrying magic of this kind responds to a perceived threat,” said Brainwash, “We need somepony who would appear totally nonthreatening to go in completely unarmed with a legitimate reason to be there – or at least what appeared to be a legitimate reason. It would have to be so convincing that not even magic could detect it.”

“A real agent of a real organization on a real delivery,” said Celestia.

“Me,” sighed Derpy.

“You,” smiled Celestia.

“I can't do this,” said Derpy. “I have a daughter back in Ponyville. She's just a little unicorn filly, and her father's gone, and...”

“Unicorn?” said Celestia, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes," said Derpy. "Her father is... was a unicorn, so..."

Celestia's eyes shifted, and she gnawed at her lower lip in thought. After a minute, she spoke.

“How would you like your daughter to get the best education she could possibly receive?” she asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Complete scholarship to my School for Gifted Unicorns,” said Celestia. “Automatic admission by my order, with no entrance examination.”

“She could pass it if you gave it to her,” said Derpy, proudly. “She was the first one in her class to figure out telekinesis, and she can already cast light spells.”

“All the better,” smiled Celestia.

“I don't know,” said Derpy. “I don't wanna kill anypony. I'm not gonna take a bomb or anything like...”

“Not a bomb,” said Celestia. “A tracking device – just so we can find them.”

Derpy felt her knees going weak. She swallowed, but her mouth had gone dry.

“I don't have to hurt anypony?”

“Nopony,” said Celestia. “You have my word.”

“All I have to do is deliver a package?”

“That's all,” said Brainwash, trying to be reassuring.

“What if something happens to me?” asked Derpy.

“The deal stands,” said Celestia. “Your daughter gets a complete scholarship – and room and board.”

“But she'll never know what...” said Derpy.

“I'll tell her when she's old enough,” said Celestia, then she knelt down, and brought her eyes level with those of the pegasus.

Without Derpy's full knowledge, her own eyes aligned to look into those of the Princess.

Evil eyeliner, she thought. This is all your fault.

“Please, Derpy,” said Celestia. “They're doing terrible things. They're preying on cargo ships, passenger ships, anything that comes their way.”

“All I wanted to do was deliver a package,” whined Derpy quietly. “A few hours overtime, and an easy day.”

“I'm not going to make you do this if you don't want to,” said Celestia, “but I don't have anypony else who can. Everypony else at my disposal is a trained military operative. That scrying spell will light up like a carnival if they come within twenty miles of that harbor.

“Can't you find someone else?” asked Derpy.

“You've got the bags,” said Celestia.

"You can have 'em!" said Derpy. "Won't be the first time I've lost them!"

"What I mean is that you really are what you appear to be. The magic will look for illusions and deception. You can just go as Derpy Hooves, and it might not notice you at all. I can't buy that, train it, or order anypony else to be it. I need you."

Derpy thought of the situation; of what she was allowing to happen if she didn't go, and of what it would mean for Dinky if she did. She heard herself speak, but she didn't want to believe what came out.

“Okay.”

Author's Note:

So, here we are! The second installment of a series I honestly thought I'd never continue. What can I say? I got bored.

Keep in mind, the Derpy I'm imagining here is more of a well-meaning klutz than a total moron. Catastrophic stupidity is fun to write, sometimes, (and believe me, there's some of that coming later in this story) but I wanted the character to be relateable.

Can't promise this will be the best fic I've ever written, and I honestly like "The Greatest Day of Her Life," the first story in this series, a little better. All the same, I think it has its merits, and I've already written it. So, up it goes!

Enjoy.

Comments

[UnseenShadow1248]

Delivering eyeliner? Well... there have been weirder reasons to ask a civilian to preform a military opperation, but not many.