Chapter 1: Handpicked and later Found (revised)
Chapter 1
The world was in anarchy, Every human being was in panic or depression as they knew what was coming. It had been long coming, but the time had come, the date everyone feared the most. April 2036 was when Apophis was estimated to hit earth. The explosion that would come from the hit would be devastating, leaving nothing behind except a dust cloud, making life impossible.
Humans are a stubborn species and refused to die by some huge rock. Scientist`s across the whole world had come together to make The Ark Program. Handpicked individuals, all from survival experts to scientist`s and soldiers were picked as candidates for the program, whether they liked it or not.
The program was made a secret to not give false hopes for the rest of humanity as it would be impossible to save every human. The Ark Program was by no means a solid program, it was merely an experiment. There was no telling when the humans would wake up if at all from their
cryo-stasis, as it was still experimental technology. What the scientists did was that they put some arks to be activated hundred years after earth`s destruction some had the number thousand put on it, and some others would have to be activated manually.
This would ensure that there would always be some humans at all times no matter how long earth had been destroyed.
Two days before Apophis hit earth, Lieutenant Nicholas Raine got picked up by a shady individual who told Nicholas he was from the government and that his country needed Nicholas.
Nicholas naturally found this weird as stuff like this only happened in movies, but out of sense of duty and thinking this had something to do with Apophis he followed.
Scientists informed Raine of what was going to happen and of the Ark program. Raine was to undergo a serious amount of surgery and was going to be filled with experimental technology to be ready for literally anything the future may hold for him.
After countless surgeries Nicholas found himself to be much stronger and more precise from all the small computers inside his body working its magic.
Apophis was going to hit earth in a few hours so Raine and a lot of scientist`s by the looks of it got ready to undergo the final steps in the Ark program. He was given an Ark suite and was stripped of all belongings. This saddened Raine as he realized what he was leaving behind. The round room Nicholas and some scientists were placed in had pods around it and a computer in the middle, which Nicholas assumed would be the thing waking him up at some point in the future. Raine stepped to his pod and was ordered by what he assumed was a pre-recorded message telling him to stretch his right arm out so the automated machine could inject yet more experimental technology into his body. This technology were called Nanotrites and they apparently had countless purposes to them, too many for him to begin counting.
The last thoughts Raine had as he went into deep cryo-sleep was of his lost brother who was killed in action.
Day court went on like usual. The Canterlot snobs would as usual come in with their petty cases and small arguments to court. It has been and always will be a painful curse that follows of being a ruler like Princess Celestia. But it was slightly more bearable with Twilight on her side to accompany her.
“Celestia, why is it that you have not made a court for petty cases like this?” Twilight whispered to her mentor.
Celestia made a small smile and whispered back “I have Twilight, but some of these ponies are honestly not the sharpest tools in the shed.” Twilight giggles in response but quickly put on her serious face that she used under serious times such as this very serious court on this very serious day. The snobs, when finally done explaining their disagreement on who should pay the 300 bits for the repairs on some house in Canterlot got a verdict from Celestia. She told them to pay half each and solve the case between themselves like the adults they are. Twilight scribbled down this furiously so that she could hopefully learn from this herself as she recently ascended.
“Twilight, maybe you should take the rest of the day off and spend some time with your friends. You don`t need to spend so much time with an old mare like myself” Celestia said with a small grin as she knew what she said would make Twilight begin her small speech where the topic would be that being old is not a bad thing. As predicted Twilight began “ C-Celestia y-your not old, or you are, but not in a bad way. A-And you being old means you are wise and smart and…”
Celestia let poor Twilight continue with her little speech, but she never got to finish as a guard took both princesses by surprise when he slammed the doors open with a hint of fear in his eyes.
”Princess Celestia, Princess Twilight Sparkle, I do not mean to interrupt anything important but there has been a discovery made by your sister Princess.” He said his eyes directed at Celestia.
“What is it she has discovered?” Twilight asked with curiosity in her voice.
“She has found some big metal chunk, but it is hollow on the inside” The guards pony answered.
“Why would this be worth interruption day court for, you are clearly able to investigate this yourselves, especially with my sister`s help.” Celestia said with calm.
“Well your majesty there was also life detected inside of it, not the small worms and insect`s but one giant life form.”
This sparked interest for Celestia. “Very well. Where would I find my sister at this moment?”
“underneath Canterlot your highness by the base of the mountain.”
“Thank you, tell everypony that daycourt is cancelled for the rest of the day, after that you may dismiss yourself.”
“Yes your highness.”
The guard exited the hall and left Twilight and Celestia all by themselves. Celestia Raised from her cushion and looked at Twilight and said with a friendly smile “Let`s just teleport down there together”
Twilight nodded in approval to this suggestion and stood up from her own cushion. Celestia took one last sip from her glass of water and then lighted up her horn and teleported the two to the base of the mountain directly underneath Canterlot.
Luna examined the huge piece of metal in front of her with great interest. She noticed small outlines that only was to be found at one spot, the rest was completely clean of any details whatsoever besides from the dirt covering it. It had taken a great deal of unicorn magic to pull this piece of metal out of the ground, but they eventually got it. Luna was about the grab the area with the outlines with her magic to investigate further, but was stopped as her sister`s appearance surprised her.
“Dearest sister” Luna exclaimed with a smile.
“Luna” Celestia answered with a smile aswell.
“What does thou think this might be sister?” Luna said with her head tilting slightly to the right.
“Your guess is as good as mine” Celestia said.
“Have you tried opening it to see what that could possibly be living inside such a thing?” Twilight asked.
“We… I was just about to try and investigate these outline, but tho… your appearance stopped me” Luna said, with a little annoyance mostly from her own habit of talking old equestrian in front of others.
“Well, we are not stopping you” Celestia said with a sly smile.
Luna returned the smile and began working her spell once again on the outline of the hollow piece of metal.
After much pulling and abrasion Luna got the outlined piece off the rest of the. What was inside was not surprisingly… more metal. What that did surprise the ponies however, was that there were some sort of glass cocoons that surrounded the room. Celestia was the first to enter the room. Once she put her first hoof inside the room brightened up with lights. She got a clear view of the room, in the middle was some sort of alien looking digits and a black mirror with hoses attached to it. Whatever this contraption was it was not something she could use. Once the focus was off the wired looking device in the middle she took a closer look at the glass cocoons. What she mostly saw disgusted her. She saw dead creatures trapped in these cocoons. The corpses were rotten, to say the least it did not help on her stomach. There were 12 of these glassy cocoons however, what caught her eye was the last cocoon in the room. The creature inside had color to it and looked like it could still be alive, but in some deep sleep. Luna and Twilight had entered, as well as some scientist ponies.
They all examined the room and the cocoons, but as time went on everypony had their focus on this one last cocoon with the creature looking very much alive. One could hear a needle hit the floor had one been dropped. The only thing breaking the silence was Celestia saying to the scientists.
“see if you can break this cocoon out of its place without damaging the pod itself, I want it in the castle for further study, and possibly release”
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You had me at the words "Rage crossover". Haven't seen one of these around, let's see how this goes.
Few corrections:
-Whenever a new person is speaking, start a new paragraph. This helps identify who is speaking.
-Double space between paragraphs, it helps the reader to read more easily.
The saying goes "sharpest tools in the shed".
-In Rage lore, I believe the Ark survivors were surgically modified, and not just given a suit to wear. I can't confirm this, but that makes sense with some of the actions that the characters take when dealing with the player (ex: when upgrading the defib unit, the doctor says that it will hurt).
You missed some basic tense and grammar
I see i'm not alone with my bane battle with grammar, but the story start up is promissing, and for me story means more then grammar rules, well since i'm not a native speaker so to speak
UP vote, and down with the downvoters ( who do it for the shake of doing it with no explanation )
3377866 Thanks for clarifying the "the sharpes tools in the shed" Like mentioned earlier somewhere English is not my native language so I just directly translated it to what I tough it would be.
-As far as Rage Lore goes I could not find much around the ARK suit so i just made my own little thing. As for Ark survivors being modified is a high chance. But that would mean I would have to rewrite the the first part of the story. I Kind of want to to if it makes the story better, but im hesitant as I don`t know if it will be for better or worse.
Thanks for feedback, and feel free to suggest ideas as to where the story should continue, as I don`t have the luxury to think about the story as I much as I would like. (for obvious reasons such as school and that kind of thing.)
How was the english grammar in general tough? was it acceptable? I leave it at that, thanks for reading!
3377947 Tense as in no build up in the situation?
I can see that myself, Thanks for pointing it out, I might make some changes to make the whole anarchy scene seem more chaotic to make it more immersive.
Thanks for reading.
3378005
I figured as much. My recommendation is to see if you can find an editor or pre-reader. He or she would definitely be able to correct most of the issues you are having. Best case scenario is that you are able to find a native English speaker that also speakers your native tongue, that way he or she can assist in the translation process. I'd offer to help, but I lack the time to devote to those kinds of efforts, nor am I fluent enough in any other language that I speak.
Never be scared of rewriting what you have. Retconning in the beginning is not a bad thing. However, after getting into the story, it becomes harder and a lot more work. Better to get it out of the way in the beginning than save it for later.
As an author I know says about his own work, the only time he ever "finishes" something is when he gives up on it. Meaning he is so tired of working on it that he just stops and hates what he has.
As for grammar and spelling, there are a few errors here and there. Nothing too major, and much better than I've seen from some native speakers. Again, see if you can find an editor. That should fix most of the errors that do exist.
3378058
Thanks for shedding some light and showing me my options. I guess now is just a matter of getting started.
3378010
Well, I was referring to past tense/present tense. You got some very basic spelling mistakes.
finally a RAGE crossover! glad i've finally found some people that can appreciate a good game, since RAGE is highly underrated.
also, i was scared shitless when i first met the frickin' wall running mutants
it's sad to know they won't be in this story.
also.
Before Apophis hit, (Lieutenant) Nicholas Raine (the protagonist in RAGE) served as a Recon Marine, operating throughout the world. Two nights before the asteroid hit, Raine was at a club in Brooklyn. Upon leaving he was approached by a shady individual who told him little other than that he was an agent of the U.S. government and to come with him. Raine, out of a sense of duty, followed and soon found himself in a private jet hurtling across the country to an unknown destination. Ark 437a, one of the last to go under, was where he found himself. Injected with experimental Nanotrites, Raine was cryo-frozen before Apophis hit Earth.
also, Nanotrites: “Tiny, molecular "robots" injected into a host organism, capable of enhancing or suppressing a wide range of biological functions.”
so in other words, he has nanotrites that heal him, and they also have that 'defib' function.
i need to play this game again
3378721
You... You have got to be some holy man from heaven. Thank you so for this information as i think it will help me greatly when i decide to rewrite the beginning. (I was not to happy with it honestly) Maybe i Decide two write another story in the same universe from another ARK where it takes place with the gryffon`s (Possibly) The point is the information you have given me has opened many doors for me.
Feel free to come with Ideas as to how this story should continue as I don`t know where i want to take it just yet. (Im considering adventure altough im not that great at building tension.
)
Thanks for reading!
3378791 if i were you, i would make it so he woke up and tried to escape from the ponies, since waking up from god knows how many years in cryo-stasis would be quite shocking, the rest is up to you.
he should be quite capable of sneaking and defending himself with his recon training.
and i think it would fit the character if you made it an adventure story (since the game has adventure in it). since Nicholas is all alone, he takes it as his task to humanity to find the rest of the ARK pods and save the people within them all.
it's up to you, really.
also, just send me a private message if you need any help
3378847
Great, Thanks! And I will be sure to make contact at some point.
3378888
images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20121230050716/mlp/images/thumb/5/54/Spike_gives_Applejack_a_thumbs-up_S03E09.png/800px-Spike_gives_Applejack_a_thumbs-up_S03E09.png
images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120530083228/mlp/it/images/d/db/Iron_Will_thumbs-up_S2E19.png
What's this?
A RAGE crossover!?!? 
Hmmmm... Methinks I'll keep an eye on it. 
So is this some sort of crossover between mlp and evacuate earth?
img849.imageshack.us/img849/8571/2957830.jpg
3381251
Nope. The game called RAGE is what this is a crossover to.