Spike the Dragon: A Tale of Redwall
Disclaimer: I do not own MLP: FIM or Redwall. Brain Jacques owns the Redwall Series while Lauren Faust created MLP: FIM.
Prologue
It had certainly been a strange new life in Equestria. Twilight Sparkle used to live in Ponyville as a Unicorn Pony. Her life had certainly changed when she wrote and created new magic. This transformed her into an Alicorn making her a Princess. Now she didn't have a palace herself but like all Princesses, in addition to her horn she had wings. Right now a purple Alicorn with a violet mane and tail flew in the air. Her mane also had a pink stripe in it as well on her flank was a huge red star. She was still taking flying lesson with a cyan pegasus Pony with a rainbow mane and tail. One the Pegasus's flank was a rainbow colored lightning bolt coming from a cloud.
"You're doing well Princess Twilight!" the Pegasus Pony said "You've certainly improved sense last time."
"You're too kind Rainbow Dash" Twilight tells her friend "I'm still not so great at this. I've almost crashed ten times."
"It's better then fifty times" Rainbow Dash told her friend.
The two ponies land on the ground as it was going to turn into night soon. Twilight Sparkle turns to her friend "Thanks again for teaching me how to fly Rainbow."
"You're welcome" Rainbow Dash told her friend.
The two ponies were approached by a purple dragon with green scales "Princess Twilight! How'd it go?"
"She did better then last time Spike" Rainbow Dash answered for her friend.
Twilight Sparkle turns to the Baby Dragon whom had grown a bit taller so that he was half the size of Twilight Sparkle herself. This time it wasn't by greed but by regular growth. The Alicorn now addresses him "Well I suppose we should get ready for bed..." She pauses turning to her friend Rainbow Dash "I'll meet you tomorrow to train some more."
"Say no more!" Rainbow Dash said waving her hoof.
The three went into their homes where Twilight Sparkle and Spike went up there rooms to sleep for the night.
While they were resting it wasn't Twilight Sparkle that had a dream, it was Spike that had a weird dream. Normally he wouldn't have remembered the dream if it didn't involve a white unicorn with a beautiful purple mane and tail. On the Unicorn's flank was three diamonds. The name of the unicorn was Rarity, Ponyville's fashion designer and his crush. This time however his dream didn't have the Unicorn he loved. Instead he dreamed of a red stone castle that was very, very, peaceful then a dark cloud came over the Abbey signaling danger was approaching the red stone castle. As war raged a mouse in armor strolls up "Spike, my home is in grave danger by an enemy you know. You and three others must find my home to warn them of danger and to forefil your destiny."
Then without warning the dream ends and Spike wakes up "I shall! but where is your home and who are you?"
Twilight Sparkle hears Spike's shout and wakes up "Spike? Who are you talking too?"
Spike looks around "Uh, I dreamed of some pony. One that wasn't Rarity."
He noticed Twilight putting a hoof under her chin as Spike told her "I'll tell you tomorrow promise."
Twilight Sparkle gives him a nod and the two fell back to sleep, but for some strange reason, Spike would remember the dream he had. As the Baby Dragon tried to sleep his mind was now puzzled on two questions. One was, who was this mouse in armor? And the other, where was his home located. Then a third question came into his mind, what was the enemy that was attacking the Red Stone Castle, the mouse indicted it was somepony he knew or something he knew. Despite this he would try to fall asleep.
While Twilight Sparkle and Spike slept. A tall black insect like pony appeared in the Everfree Forest. She was pitch black with holes around her hooves. She had insect like wings and green eyes. She looks defiantly in the direction of Canterlot. She looked to conquer Equestria, then came the news of another peaceful place. One that would make her failure to take Equestria appear to be nothing. Unlike most villains she wasn't drawn to the rumors of treasures deep inside a Red Stone Castle. She wanted it's inhabitants. She wanted the inhabitants love so she and her fellow minions could gain more power. Sure she might've failed to conquer Equestria but an unguarded castle that was full of peaceful creatures should've been an easy target. Besides once that castle fell she could take command of the creatures in the Red Stone Castle and the creatures living in it's area to attack Canterlot and conquer Equestria.
"My fellow subjects!" The creature spoke "We may have failed to conquer Equestria that day but sense that defeat I have learned about a newer castle. One full of love for us to feast on. Now is the time to search for it and commence a successful invasion! NOW WHO IS WITH ME? IF YOU ARE SHOUT YOUR QUEEN'S NAME!"
The rest of her minions whom were all smaller then her but the same thing as her roared out in agreement shouting her name "QUEEN CHRYSALIS!"
Queen Chrysalis grins evilly laughing "That's what I thought, none of you would dare to say no. Anyway at first light we move out trying to find that Red Stone Castle!"
End of Prologue
This is the end of the Prologue. I hope everyone enjoys this new story. I did have Spike grow a bit taller so he could face off against opponents as well. It also looks like the Changelings will be back and will be the main villain of the series.
It should be "Improved" instead of "Approved".
3287926
Thanks, I can correct it.
3287952 To be honest I haven't thought about the Redwall series in years at least you're doing a first of a kind story that I know no one has ever done.
3287974
As much as I like Mlp: Fim, I'm more of a Redwall type of fan better. The Redwall Series of books were the books of my childhood. I loved Brain Jacques's work, and I won't lie his death still hurts me.
3287991 As I've said I haven't thought about the series in years and this is the first I've heard of Brian Jacques's death. When did this happen?
3288002
Mr. Jacques died of a heart attack I think ether late Januray 2011 or early Feburay of 2011.
Interesting, however I would recommend going over the dialog. For example:
"Say no more!" Said Rainbow Dash.
Dash wouldn't talk like that.
3288085
Thanks. Actually she did say that in the last episode of season 3.
Easy target... Suuuurrre... They already faced off against Cluny, Chickenhound/Slagar, Malkariss, and Ironbeak. I think I Am That Is can take a changling queen. The drones might be a slight issue though.
3288019 Damn, at least his legacy lives on in Redwall.
3288155
Yes, yes it does. And it's up to those that are fans of Redwall like myself to never forget his work.
3288145
That's true, but the Changeling Queen doesn't know it. I have no doubt that Martin the Warrior would slay the Changeling Queen if he wore alive.
Oh. My. God. If u successfully pull this off I will love you. Redwall was my favorite book series as a kid
3288457
It was my favorite book series as well. I will try to make it a success.
I just need those that know Redwall to give me corrections, that is when I start a Redwall Chapter which might be started in the first chapter briefly.
Holy crap some did finally did one for redwall this is going to be amazing.
I still read these series at my high school only book series that I spent most of my life reading.
3288851
That my friend, is what I had done when I was in Highschool back in 2007 well make that sense I was in Elementary School.
It's a shame he passed away but it's important to remember what he brought to us.
Not exactly a brony but this calls for a brohoof.
3288975
May that man rest in peace.
REDWAAAAL!!
3289047
Indeed
My he rest in piece
REDWAAAAL!!
I need to start off by saying, thank you for making this. Honestly, I'm surprised no one really attempted (someone probably has, but I haven't noticed any) a Redwall crossover until now. BECAUSE I want this fic to be a success, I'm going to critique this chapter a bit.
First off, the dialogue. More like the after-dialogue. It's a bit wooden, and the progression is reaaally weird due to the absence of commas
It would really help (plus it's to be grammatically correct) to put the commas after the speaking ends (before quote marks if no end mark is used) and when it begins (putting a comma after "friend"). Another thing, the dialogue breaks are a bit weird, I'm mainly talking about, "tells her friend". It wouldn't be a bother if this was done once or very sporadically, but you used it often, and too close to the next use. Not just, "tells her friend", you use the "her friend" in the dialogue breaks way too much. Sometimes these breaks you used can be cut out, but if not, it would be wise to use a different noun, or better yet, straight up use their names once they've been introduced.
Descriptions. I understand that this would be from a perspective to where the reader doesn't know what the characters look like, but it really isn't necessary sometimes because this IS fanfiction (meaning we should pretty much know what they look like). The only reason I'm complaining about this is because the descriptions really disrupt the flow of the story. ONE such example is Rarity's description in Spike's dream. It completely disrupted the train of thought and took focus away from the dream.
Punctuation. My biggest gripe is the lack of the all-important comma. The sentences just run together without the use of commas. Read back through this, and you will see where the commas should be placed. The commas will make this soooooo much better. Oh and if you are ending a dialogue without a period or any other end mark, use a comma. Also, you need to split some of the paragraphs where they need to be split. The very first paragraph needs to be split into two, where the topic ends and new one begins.
Dream Sequence. I feel this needs to be longer. Capitulate on the situation, but remain as vague as you need to be. The thing that struck me as odd is Martin the Warrior,
that is NOT how Martin would give a vision. He almost always speaks in riddles or gives a puzzle, but almost never directly gives the objective. It needs to sound more prophetic, as they usually are.
What I really feel that needs to be done, is to reread this chapter. You should notice most of the mistakes I've pointed out.
Thank you for attempting this, and I wish for you to continue to do so.
3301939
Thanks! And you are right Martin does speak in Riddles. But I kind of not know how he would speak to Spike like that. It is hard for me to think of such a riddle. But thanks for the advice!
3302085 Would you like some help with the riddle, or with any other grammar checks? (I'm sorta bored right now)
3302413
Riddle making could help.
3302489 Here's the tricky part with riddles: you need to know what you plan on doing with the plot. Use metaphors in relation to plot elements or characters. Example. For Spike, you could say: The Purple Salamander. That is ambiguous enough for it to be a number of things. An amphibian, a resident of Salamandastron, or a purple dragon. If you have a working riddle, PM it to me and we can discuss it there, b/c we don't wanna know spoil anything in the comment section.
3302711
Right, and I'll have to PM you for it, because there is a reason why Martin the Warrior came to Spike and I'm pretty sure you may know.
just because: