The sound of hoofsteps and armor clanking disrupt the calm night as a bat pony alicorn walks down the streets of Canterlot. Loneliness gripping the stallions heart. Other guards waved hi and he waved back, his pain masked by a smile. But there was always one thing that would get him.
'What a lovely night it is... Luna tried her best tonight.'
I thought as i trudge down the street not noticing the white coated, pink maned mare walking the opposite direction. I continued my walk going down West Ave to the barracks where i was going to spend another lonely day. We met with a loud bang as she ran head first into my shined armor. As she scrambled out of her leg knot she opened her mouth to speak.
"Oh, So-"
She stopped as she looked up into my yellow glowing eyes, blushing, and then quickly looking back down shyly.
"S-so s-s-sorry sir."
I couldn't help but smile at her in a friendly fashion, after all i didn't get to talk to many mares.
"It's alright... Are you okay ma'am?"
I ask in my typical monologue voice as i dust her off with my magic.
"I-I'm A-azure"
She said nervously almost completely giving away her love. Well... at least she IS cute.
"Pleasure to meet you Azure. I'm Back Fire the current Bat Pony captain."
"N-Nice to m-meet you."
She said slightly raising her head as she stares at my hoofs refusing to look up, her eyes constantly down below my face.
I slowly reach a hoof out grasping her chin and lifting her head to look her in the eyes with a kind smile.
“You're a shy one aren't you?”
As I say this her eyes flit away nervously.
“I-I g-guess so.”
Starts to chuckle as she looks up again blushing.
“Wh-what’s s-so f-fu-funny?”
I could’ve died right there from her face if cuteness was a WMD.
“You Azure… Not many ponies enjoy talking to me this long…”
She blushes as her next sentence comes out.
“Wh-Why w-would I b-be af-afraid? Y-you seem l-like a n-nice stallion.”
I smile lightly playing dumb some more.
“Then why are you stumbling in your speech?”
Her face turns bright red as she looks up at me before locking lips as i tumble onto my back eyes wide.
“T-Thats w-w-why… P-Please don’t b-be ma-mad!”
I can only stare mouthing the word ‘woah’ before i wrap my hooves around her neck pulling her into a deep kiss as her eyes close in absolute bliss. I pull back gently kissing her forehead before standing brushing off my equipment.
“Well miss if that is all you came for i’m just going to head back to my barracks now.”
I stand walking back the way i came as a faint “Wait!” is heard behind me as i slowly turn around.
“Yes?”
I look at the mare somehow standing directly in front of me... The same mare that seconds ago was on the ground.
“I- I err. I um….”
I stand there letting her take her time… After all… It is the middle of the night.
“I-I umm.. I-”
She takes a few deep breathes before getting next to his ear and whispering,
“I love you..”
Those words.. Those words can change ones life.. Free a world of happiness. And somepony just said them… I look at her mouth wide as her ears fold back in discomfort.
“I-I’m sor- MMPH!”
She gets cut off by my kiss instantly wrapping her hooves around my neck forcing back.. her tongue finding it’s way into my mouth.. Felt nice honestly…. I pull back a large smile on my face before i stand facing the royal gardens.
“Shall we walk?”
She nods still starstruck as i gently lay a wing over her as we slowly walk down the street talking about our pasts.. Every step she leans more and more on me until we reach a bench sitting down.
“And that’s all i have to say about that.”
I say ending my rant about the price of tea in Chinmare. As the night goes on she slowly lays across the bench, my chest being her pillow as she gazes up into the sky and then to my eyes. I lean down kissing her again as her heart rate skyrockets and she glows red.
“You okay there Azure?”
I ask kindly as she nods.
“Y-Yeah i’m just so lifted around you… It feels so good like i’m-”
“-In love.”
I say cutting her off with a smile as she rolls over falling asleep on my chest..
Bliss. That word is all i can use to describe that night.. I stayed there a while after she had fallen asleep watching the celestial movements. When a light rain started i hoisted her on my shoulders and trudged the long walk back to my house on the other side of canterlot. Normally, it would be a twenty five minuet fly but since i was walking... And it was raining.. It took me a hour just to cover the three fourths mark. After carrying her back to my home and into the guest room i climb in my own bed as a thunderstorm starts. I always loved the cracking of thunder.. It sounds like the world will end and then there is nothing. The wrath of god all but forgotten... As lightning strikes i hear my door open to see azure walk in and climb in next to me scooting herself against my chest in fear.
“Azure you okay?”
She nods smiling as she feels my breath on her mane slowly falling back to sleep as i drape a leg over her. I take in the scent of her mane slowly smiling at the cinnamon smell. As my eyes begin to close I mumble the last few words barely conscious.
“Goodnight Azure… I love you…”
only one complaint which is that i think it was two fast paced and a spelling mistake i noticed
shouldn't high be hi?
3258527
Thanks... I didn't have an editor check yet.
~Back Fire
3258528 s'all right besides i'm not actually an editor i can only pick out really obvious(well obvious to me anyway) ones
3258542
Same here..
~Back Fire
You might want to get a proofreader. I saw a lot of places where you forgot to capitalize the "I" and one place where it said "his" instead of "my" but other then that it was pretty good. Keep it up.
3258579
Typically i do have one.. But this was on a limb since he's on vaca currently. And thanks for the fave.
~Back Fire
My advice to you, friend, is to begin learning real prose. Force yourself to abandon first person, and recognize that the format of roleplaying holds you back.
See, roleplaying isn't real writing--or at least it isn't the same as what I call "real prose." You have the no godmodding rule, you want to be surprised by the other person, you play within established rules of the setting and the concept.
It's not the same thing as when the rules are part of what you create, and they can change in the middle of the game, and when big wild plays are expected, even required, and (most importantly) when the entire thing is focused, deliberate, all meant to click together into a whole. In short, RP limits you and teaches you bad habits--or, more accurately, it teaches you to AVOID certain things that are essential if you want to get better at writing.
I'm posting this because I roleplayed a lot, and switching to fanfiction was one of the most positive experiences ever, and so I want to encourage you not to fool yourself into thinking that this here counts as writing.
Good luck, whatever you decide~
3258837
Thank you for the post and i'm sure to try to listen to your advice. I've also noticed i'm trapped by roleplay as it affect my school work. Once again thank you.
~Back Fire
3258843
I would advise you to do these things in order to being writing "real" fanfiction instead of roleplaying, in order of importance:
Tear yourself away from first person. If you do nothing else, do this. First person is both an easymode crutch, and a limit preventing you from learning what you should.
Abandon the notion of writing as you go and seeing what happens. Think of a simple idea, something that you can create a clear and flowing story for. Think of how it begins and then how it ends, and how it LEADS UP TO the end, and why the ending is meaningful and satisfying. You cannot write a story without knowing its destination and its meaning.
Let go of the idea of "your OCs" and their backstories and whatever. They're not Your OCs(tm), they're characters in the story, made FOR the story, and nothing else about them matters. I wrote my opinions about this.
Write something PONY. Write an idea based on Equestria, Ponyville, the Mane Six, and the Magic of Friendship. And don't make it badass or grimdark.
Again, good luck, if you do decide to follow my suggestions.
3258866
I will try this. Thank you.
~Back Fire
I don't know what to make of this. All you have is your bat pony (alicorn? What's up with that?) met this mare, and he immediately realizes that she's in love with him. They kiss, they talk, and then they... I don't even know how to describe it. They have a nice night together, I guess.
I feel like we're missing a huge chunk of this story, probably before this. It just starts and ends, and I'm sitting here going... "What happened, and why should I care?"
The writing itself isn't particularly good from a technical level, but with a proofreader you should be able to make it fairly serviceable.
3259121
The story was just a quickie from my Omegle. It's a one shot I guess. But I value the time you took to write the comment and thank you.
~Back Fire
3259207
(I remember you posted a picture of Back Fire without his armor once. Could you post it on you user page or something?)
3273293
Why ask that here of all places... And it's saved on my other comp... I'll make one tommoro.
~Back Fire