Let Byhooves be Byhooves

by Outlaw Quadrant

1 - A Jam in the Sky

Author's Note:

So, here it is. My first completed fan fiction that I've ever written but had never uploaded onto FIM, unedited for your enjoyment!

... okay, maybe not.

I thought that it was best to post this as I finished it two years ago (2011) as a reference point on how my writing has changed since that time.

Then I sped-read through the first chapter. My reaction? Let's just say that it was in the "Granny Smith in Equestria Girls" territory.

Not wanting to subject my loyal readers with ghastly writing, I literally performed emergency surgery on this fic in hopes that I could make this more tolerable. There are some portions that you might actually enjoy but those come later.

Let Byhooves be Byhooves
By outlaw4rc

---

Disclaimer:

Twilight: Wait! Let me find a good book to help write a proper disclaimer.
Fluttershy: A... disclaimer? That sounds scary! *hides under table*
Pinkie: What's a disclaimer? Is that a tasty cake treat? Can I throw it a party?
Applejack: No, Pinkie! It's some fancy thang to put before a story but why in tarnation do we need one?
Rarity: A disclaimer? That was so yesterday! I may have some suggestions on something more appropriate like—
Rainbow: What’s the hold up? Hurry up with the story already!

---

The new orders from the Weather Committee had just come down: Rain to be cleared by noon today. Sunny skies scheduled for the next two weeks.

Somepony made a major mistake in calculating how much rain Ponyville needed for the last month. The cloud factory workers and the weather teams had worked their hooves off providing non-stop rain to the parched town for an entire week and their new orders were quite a welcome sight, especially for Rainbow Dash, the weather team leader. She got the orders at the weather team’s meeting room, a space with nothing more than endless rows of benches and a podium at the front.

“All right!” Rainbow Dash hoof-pumped in approval. “I am so taking a vacation after this! After all, I deserve it for working so hard!”

“Ahemmmmmmmmm!”

Memo to self. Speaking aloud when standing by an open microphone is a bad idea. All her subordinates grumbled their displeasure, mixed in with some hoof shaking. She needed something to save her hide, fast!

She laughed nervously, “I meant that we should get a vacation for working so hard! It’s not our fault somepony can’t do math. Right?”

The weather teams cheered in unison and then started chanting, “Time off! Time off! Time off!”

Rainbow swiped perspiration off her forehead. Now she can continue with her agenda. “All right. Listen up!”

The weather teams settled down, giving her their undivided attention.

“We all know our assignments. Split up to your respective teams. Team B, you guys have to deal with the special orders. Everypony else, clear those skies! Once you’re done, report back to me and then, you get the rest the day off!”

The weather teams hollered in unison.

“Darn right! Let’s do it!”

In seconds, the room cleared of all pegasi, the last being the team leader. She was in no hurry as her task for the day was the simplest; wait for her team at the rendezvous point above the Ponyville city limits. A boring job that required taking a nap on a cloud while waiting, but somepony had to do it.

Eventually, each group had performed their duties and had awakened Rainbow for approval to leave early, that is, all teams except Team B.

Their specific orders were to take most of the clouds all the way to the other side of the Everfree Mountain Range and then push them up to the Everfree Jet Stream, an air current that weaved its way all across Equestria. A group named the Equestrian Weather Agency needed them; they served as the weather team for areas outside of local jurisdictions, such as mountains and forests. While they had employees, they had no cloud factories. That’s why the organization placed constant requests to towns to send some up into the stream. Their agents had the capabilities in reaching the currents without much difficulty and fetch whatever they needed for their jobs.

Such a task was time consuming, but by Rainbow’s estimate, Team B should’ve been done by noon. Glinting at the sun, they were an hour late and counting.

“What’s taking them so long?” she muttered, hooves crossed. Then, her stomach muscles churned. “I’m so hungry! I should be at Pinkie’s Rain-B-Gone party by now!”

Suddenly, the Team B leader, a dark grey pegasus mare, came her way at speeds way too slow. When she was within Rainbow’s earshot, “Um, Rainbow? We may a problem.”

The leader’s mind heard something else. “Great, Misty! Your team can go home now! Bye!”

Rainbow blasted off toward Sugarcube Corner, only to slam the brakes seconds later. She came back at a more tepid pace, forelegs on hips.

“Wait. Problem?”

Misty nodded rapidly, “Yes, big problem!”

“Well?”

“You see—” The subordinate inhaled all the air around her for a fast-paced speech.

“—Foggy wasn’t here today because he had an appointment today with the barber and that got me thinking about dying my mane in a different color. I always wanted to do a dark purple but I saw my best friend do that once and it came out all wrong and she ended up crying for days and days and days and so my friends and I decided to throw a special dinner to cheer her up but I had forgotten what her favorite food was so I had to buy a little bit of everything and I was in luck because I got a good deal at—”

By now, Misty noticed that Rainbow’s pupils had shrunk to pinpricks, her brow slated downwards. One more wrong word and her leader would melt her with that look alone.

“Oh, sorry,” Misty spoke, tapping together her hooves. “How about if I show you what the problem is?”

Rainbow’s appetite disagreed with a hearty growl, but her head could take no more of Misty’s penchant for incessant rambling. Asking for a detailed description of this problem would guarantee a migraine of epic proportions. “Fine,” she relented. “Let’s see what you guys screwed up.”

The mares accelerated straight toward the tall and rugged mountains, aiming for the safe and short path that ran on the range’s south side. Rainbow enjoyed taking this route, for it had tight turns through narrow canyons and endless tree branches ready to slice pony hide if one flew too close too fast. This would’ve been a fun diversion except she not only had a slow ride along but one that decided to spend the trip yammering about nothing in particular.

“My head,” the weather leader whined, rubbing her forehead.

As Rainbow cleared the mountains, she had no need stopping Misty’s one-sided conversation for an explanation. She could literally see how big this problem was, a hovering white pancake stack in the sky, no syrup included. Team B was at the bottom, collectively pushing against the cloud pillar with relentless persistence. Once they noticed Rainbow and Misty’s arrival, the team gave it one last feeble attempt.

Those clouds refused to budge.

Resigned, the members faced Rainbow as a deer would a hungry wolf. Rather than run, they hovered in place, waiting for a tongue-lashing.

“I can’t believe this!” Rainbow snapped, raising her hooves. “How could you screw this up so badly?”

Everypony cowered in fear.

“I told you not to push them up too fast or you’ll clog up the Jet Stream!”

“Huh? Team B answered. After a brief consultation with one another, they all shook their heads, whispering a negative answer.

“Ughhh, what do you mean, no? Of course I told you!”

Misty interjected, “I’m pretty sure you didn’t. I remember you coming in late, then—”

Rainbow held her hoof like a stop sign, “Whatever! The details aren’t important!”

One of the other team members spoke, “So, what are we supposed to do? The jam’s right at the top. There’s no way we can reach that high.”

Rainbow waved them off. They can’t reach that high, what a silly thing to say! Well, maybe for them it would be true but she was Rainbow Dash. Her awesomeness alone would be enough for this task! All she had to do was make the ascent and for that, she focused her attention to her final destination, the top of the cloud stack. With a slow rotation, Rainbow drew an imaginary line to her best reference point, the tallest mountain in this region.

Huh? That can’t be right. That thing is way taller than that peak over there!

She repeated the exercise and reached the same conclusion; reaching the Jetstream was the same as climbing at least one and a half of that snow-covered peak. That would be no problem if Rainbow could claim that she had ever been in that relative altitude and she could, once, for a scant few minutes. Then she ran out of oxygen and spiraled out of the sky, her saving grace that Applejack lassoed Rainbow out of trouble from Twilight’s hot air balloon. Clearly, this was not a job for Rainbow Dash, much to her chagrin. She chose to hide that frustration and play it cool.

“We’ll just report this to the Weather Committee and we’ll let those eggheads handle it!” she announced, beaming.

Her stomach also had an important declaration, a loud one that everypony caught.

Rainbow blushed, “Heh, heh, heh. Yeah, does anyone have an extra lunch with them right now?”

---

Two days later, Rainbow Dash rested on a tree trunk on the top of a grassy hill, having enjoyed a nice-mid morning picnic with Twilight and Pinkie Pie. The former chose that some heavy reading on astrology was her best use of some down time while the latter had just jammed her head into a big cake, ready to eat it from the inside out. Rainbow already had dessert so naturally, a long nap was in order.

An arriving Derpy Hooves canceled her plans for a siesta. She had a letter to deliver, an important one if it required personal delivery.

“Oh, is that for me?” Rainbow mumbled, yawning. Grabbing the plain white envelope, “Thanks, I guess.” She gestured at the spread laid across the nearby checkerboard cloth. “Help yourself if you want.”

Without a word, Derpy sat right beside the batch of muffins and began munching ravenously. Crumbs showered right into Twilight’s tome, breaking its hold on the studious unicorn.

“Ugh!” Twilight slammed the book shut. Before she could teach Derpy about proper eating habits, she noticed Rainbow tearing open her mail. “Oh, what do you have there, Rainbow?”

Rainbow unfurled the letter. “It’s from the Weather Committee.”

“What does it say?”

She spent all of two seconds speed-reading the letter until reaching a key word. “An assignment?” Rainbow slapped the sheet, “Don’t these eggheads know I’m on vacation?”

Gears within the smart unicorn’s head clicked, triggering trepidation in her tone. “What’s this assignment, Rainbow? Please don’t tell me the weather’s changing again! I have a stargazing session planned a few days from now that I’m really looking forward to!”

“What a surprise,” Rainbow retorted with an eye roll. “Hold on. Let me read this out to you guys.”

Pinkie immediately pulled herself out of the cake. Dessert can wait for a story, no matter how dreary.

Rainbow coughed to clear her throat.

“Rainbow Dash, you are hereby assigned to provide assistance to an agent from the Equestrian Weather Agency. Please write a letter of introduction to the agent with instructions on an initial rendezvous point and give it to Derpy Hooves, ASAP, for immediate delivery. The agent will provide you with what you need in order to enter—”

The magenta in her eyes shimmered.

“—high altitude flight in order to clear the jam together.”

Rainbow lowered the now-shaking letter, her smile widening by the second.

“You all right?” Twilight asked, leaning away from Rainbow.

The brash mare grabbed onto Twilight’s shoulders. “Do you know what this means?” she said excitedly.

“Umm—”

“I’m going higher than any other pony has gone before!”

Rainbow suddenly somersaulted up into the air, her fanmare squeal broadcasting her exhilaration to the town below. The letter left Rainbow’s grasp, floating closer to a punch bowl; Pinkie intercepted it for the save.

Twilight scratched her noggin, befuddled that Rainbow would wriggle and twist in mid-air celebration. “I don’t get it. Since when do you get this excited about work?”

Communication proved pointless. Rainbow had entered into a daydream on how adding high-altitude flight to her already impressive resume would, in a series of confusing and convoluted events, lead into earning a spot into the Wonderbolts. Every daydream ended with her being a Wonderbolt.

Pinkie had dreams too, the same one that she fulfilled at every opportunity. This parchment on her hooves gave her the perfect opening. “We’re going to have a guest? We haven’t had one in town since… yesterday! Do you know what this calls for?”

Twilight’s eyes bulged. “Ummm, Pinkie, I don’t think we should—”

“A party!” Pinkie exclaimed with the obligatory and random confetti.

The unicorn groaned. As a good friend, she had an important duty to set things straight and what better way than a stern lecture. “Pinkie, the agent is coming to perform a job, not to have fun. Besides, I don’t think somepony from the”—Twilight air-quoted—“Equestrian Weather Agency would enjoy parties.”

Pinkie giggled. “Oh, silly! Everypony has a little party in them and I’m just the pony for the job! Oh, but it should be a surprise! Everyone just loves surprise parties!” Swiveling to Rainbow, she pleaded, “Please let me set everything up, Dashy! I’ll even write the letter for you! Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh? Please, please, please, please, pleaseeeeeeeeee?”

Rainbow snapped out of her fantasy. Less work was always a good decision. “Oh, yeah. Go for it.”

More random confetti rained down, “Yippie! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Oh, what to write? What to write?” At the flip of a switch, Pinkie’s fervent energy retracted like pushing a jack-in-the box back into its container. She sat down on the white and red cloth for some chin rubbing—party business was serious business.

Obviously, Twilight had lost this battle, just like with every other engagement in her crusade against unnecessary celebrations. “Okay, I guess we can throw a party but—”

“A party?” Rainbow blurted out, sparkles floating around her head. “That means I can do a splashy entrance! Oh, you’re such a genius, Rainbow! That will really wow the wings off the agent! Ok. I need an idea but… Fluttershy can help me! Yeah, maybe she can—”

“Rainbow,” Twilight snapped.

“—help me with an intro…” The pegasus faced Twilight, unaware of the unicorn’s tense face muscles. “You said something?”

Twilight calmed down, knowing that needed a motherly tone mixed in with her lesson of the day. “Please don’t. Remember what happened last time you tried to do a flashy entrance at a party? The big mess you made, all the ponies you—”

Rainbow scoffed, “Oh, you worry too much Twilight! I just need to practice some more, that’s all! Oh, I should do that now! Bye!” In a flash, she engaged the afterburners and escaped into the spring sky.

“Rainbow, wait! No flashy entrance!”

Twilight flailed her hooves, trying to get Rainbow’s attention but it was too late. She was gone.

“Ohhhhhhhh,” she moaned, covering her face in disappointment.

Pinkie bounced up from the grass. “Got it! I need to go home and start working on the letter, pronto! Oh, this surprise party will be so good and I can even do a song!” Setting course toward Sugarcube Corner, she bounced away from the picnic site, ignoring the two remaining mares.

The unicorn heard crunched grass, alarming her. “Pinkie, wait! No surprise! No song!”

Twilight flailed her hooves, trying to get Pinkie’s attention but it was too late. She was gone. Once was bad, but twice made her blood boil.

Stomping everything in her vicinity, “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Meanwhile, Derpy finished devouring the last of her favorite treat. She may have kept quiet throughout the ordeal, but she did hear every syllable said. If Pinkie was leaving the picnic, so was she. After all, the party pony was writing that letter, not Rainbow Dash, so her important and time-sensitive duty began the moment Pinkie dotted the last period.

“Letter!” she remarked, fluttering in Pinkie’s direction.

Twilight had just squished a sandwich when she noticed a departing shadow. That would’ve been a nonissue except her rampage created a food and drink explosion on top of a hill.

“Derpy , wait! Help me clean this up!”

Twilight waved her hooves, trying to get Derpy attention but it was too late. She was gone.

Steam billowed out of the unicorn’s nostrils. Teeth gritted with impunity. Fiery sparks spat off Twilight’s horn, scorching the grass into a wilted brown. Twilight’s pent-up wrath was at the verge of igniting her hair and turning her eyes blood red but at the last second, logic and reason smoldered her temper into a smoky mist. No, she would not go through that again. It was unhealthy, counterproductive and required an extensive and expensive hair salon trip. Instead, she released her frustration like the other two times, with a drawn-out sigh.

“Why won’t anypony listen to me today?” Twilight lamented.