Sharpened Edge took a breath as he continued his story. "Have you ever seen a blacksmith on fire?" He paused for a response and stared at his pegasus friend. His friend's blank gaze, illuminated from the soft light of the lantern as the rest of the small dorm room, was enough.
He gave a slight nod as he started back somewhat slowly, being sure to take a moment between sentences to make sure he wasn't going too fast. "Picture a building on fire. Now it's a blacksmith shop. Now picture ponies inside, burning to death and screaming in pain. Now, imagine that those ponies are the few family members you have left in your life. If you can imagine it all, then that is exactly how I felt when I went home and saw my house ablaze and found out my Dad was trapped inside."
The Earth pony sighed as he finished telling his bunk mate what happened to him two months ago, when he came home from his school to see that his home and father were victims to the blaze. His bunk mate, who sat adjacent from him, looked at him with a semblance of confusion and a touch of concern. The pegasus turned his head away from Edge and put his right hoof up to his face. After a moment he then turned back to face Edge and opened his mouth to ask.
"Wait a minute, then why are you in the Royal Guards? Shouldn't you be living with your mother instead?"
"I, uh... don't want to talk about it right now... Already relived one traumatic experience tonight. Don't want to relive another" Edge replied.
Edge slowly looked down towards the lantern that sat on the stone floor, he could almost feel tears welling up in his eyes as he remembered the last day he saw his mother. He glanced to his left, staring directly at the mirror leaning up against the back wall. He was greeted by his reflection. In the dim glow from the flame, he could see his coat was a silvery grey that almost shined like a crystal pony's. His mane was a golden hue and fell straight down halfway across his bronze eyes. The color reminded Edge of his parents so much. His father's silver coat, his mother's flowing gold mane, yet his bronze eyes were his and his alone. He looked toward his flank to see his mark: a long sword with the lower edge shining as if it was recently sharpened.
Edge spotted his pegasus friend in the mirror as well. His snowy white coat didn't compliment his blood red mane and tail, nor did it allow others to see his wings when they are folded.
In fact, it was that reason that he was picked on by his fellow recruits and was attacked in the hallway the first week of training. Edge stood up for him, though it just made him a victim to the others as well. The two became friends afterwards and Edge learned the pegasus' name was Raven Talonsworth, with his mark resembling a raven flying into the sky. Edge took to calling him Talon.
Ever since they became friends, they stuck together through everything. And their friendship grew stronger with each passing day as they shared the events of their lives with one another.
But some were too painful to tell.
Talon fell back onto the floor as he groaned. He sat upright and muttered, "Fine..."
There was a loud bang at the door. A deep voice yelled from the other side, "I said 'Light's out' thirty minutes ago you runts! Put out that lantern and go to bed or you'll be handling polish duties!"
Edge quickly leaned towards the lantern, extinguishing the flame. The moonlight poured in, illuminating the room with a soft light. In the moonlight Edge could barely see Talon jumping over him as he flew into his bunk, throwing the sheets over him as he planted his head on a pillow. Edge then hopped into his bunk and covered himself. He stared emptily up at the bottom of Talon's bed. He thought about what the next day could hold for him. He had heard rumors of a trip to the castle was a possibility. He couldn't keep this quiet, he needed to talk about it.
"Hey, Talon?" Edge asked quietly.
"What?" Talon replied in a whisper.
"You think we're going to see the castle tomorrow?"
"I don't know. I hope we do. That place was just finished a year ago and is still as elegant as if it was just finished. Or so I've heard."
"How about meeting the Queen? Think that's a possibility?"
"Yes, it is a possibility. Although, if you ask me, I would rather meet her daughters. They're about our age you know. And I hear they're beautiful."
"Oh really? How beautiful?"
"Well, from what I've heard," Talon paused as he remembered the details, "The older one is said to be as magnificent as a sunrise or sunset. Not sure which one it is. And the younger one is as beautiful as the night sky."
Edge sat up. "Which one do you hope to meet?"
"Heh, well it doesn't matter which one I meet. But if I marry either one of them, I become the king of Equestria! That would be great. Governing our glorious nation with a beautiful queen at my side..."
"And enemies will fear Sire Raven Talonsworth McFeatherbottom," Edge said sarcastically.
Talon leaned over his bunk to see Edge. His hair fell down and in the moonlight; Edge could see Talon's yellow eyes clearly. "I told you McFeatherbottom is not a part of my name!" he replied loudly.
"Yes, and I ignored that to make it an insult. How you feel about tha-"
Another bang came from the door. The same voice yelled, "This is your last warning! You better go to bed or you got polish duties for a month!"
Talon shot up to his bunk and laid down. Then quietly said, “Goodnight, Edge."
Edge replied in a hushed voice, "Goodnight, McFeatherbottom."
Talon shifted his weight and muttered something under his breath. Edge looked back up at Talon's bunk, reminiscing the facts he had just heard. They could go to the castle tomorrow, meet the queen, and possibly one of her daughters, both of which were said to be beautiful. He couldn't wait for tomorrow to arrive. He wrapped his sheets around him and fell asleep as fast as he could close his eyes.
this is definitely an interesting start, and you delivered what seems like an affective prologue or introduction.
what i really like is the subtle implication of this world being no where near as stable as the one presented in the show. that being said, i've only a vague idea of what the main conflict will be about. i get that past equestria is more dangerous than present equestria, there's little implication on the overarching plot or how the characters themselves with fit into the narrative. it's a good scene, and it effectively establishes the working relationship between the two characters, and edge's emotional state is relieved succinctly and with impact. the characters are introduced but by no means established. all that's left to really kickstart the story is a reveal of an overarching plot and a way for the characters introduced to be a central aspect in moving that plot forward.
i'm now diving into more subjective topics, the following is meant to be something to consider; effective characters and character moments will make or break your story with me personally. the easiest way to build characters is to present them with choices and to show how they react to specific events. the actions of your characters will tell us more about them than any backstory or dialogue. i'd also advise caution with edge, as there is an element of sadness to him. the threshold between sympathetic sadness and annoying sadness is slippery. just don't overdo any emotion the characters are feeling. show us how edge's underlying sadness effects his decision making process. i also advocate juxtaposition and brevity. any of edge's sad moments will be amplified if he's not sad all the time.
my overall impression is good! all you have to do now, as mentioned before, is establish a plot and build your world and characters!
3257560
Agreed. It was a good start with only a few minor flaws. Mostly in grammar, andthose are easy to fix ;).
[Edit: The criticised part has been changed. So as per the author's request I've edited my comment to avoid spoilers.]
Oh and one other thing; I think twitterdick really hit the nail when he said this was a good prologue. Maybe you should really call it that instead of chapter1?
This was a pretty nice opening. And I pretty much agree with twitterdick and fanboy.
I like the way you describe what the characters look like. You did a good job making it more than simply, "Character has this color mane, this color coat, and this cutie mark" and made it relate to who they are to some degree. That was very nice.
My only complaint is that, throughout the whole thing, I'm never quite sure where they are. You never gave much of any description of their surroundings so all I can do is guess or think of them floating in limbo. Right here at the beginning,
right where the comma is would be the perfect spot to give just a little description of their surroundings. Maybe something like, "He paused for a response and stared at his bunk mate. His friend's blank glance, illuminated softly by candlelight like the rest of their dorm room, told him enough. The two held their stares for a moment as the night air rolled in through an open window and ruffled the sheets on the bunk beds beside them."
Overall a pretty good start, I'll probably be checking back for future chapters.
This is going to be epic.
3262761>>3262487
Thanks for your feedback. I was actually looking into that one line that both of you pointed out and decided to cut that. I found a much better point in the future that could really have a better impact on the reader. Sorry if the suspense was taken away from you. Also, if you wouldn't mind deleting that part of the comment as to not ruin it for anyone else that would be wonderful.
As for the grammar issues. The program I use for typing never really shows me the exact way to place commas, semicolons, or when to split a a sentence into two. Plus, when I type on this is it never tells me when there's an error in spelling. So if I'm typing fast, it might end up messing up solely due to the speed that I am hitting the keys.
3265636
Done. I'm glad I was able to help ^^.
3265636
Spoiler removed.