Many have wondered what life was like before the Elements of Harmony were forged. The Hearth's Warming Eve's pageant was close to the time, but no cigar. I shall tell you the true story of life before the Elements of Harmony and how they were forged.
The land of Equestria was ruled over by Queen Artemis. She ruled over the land alone after her husband passed away. And she was left to raise her two children, Celestia and Luna. But after hearing of a threat from a mysterious group. Queen Artemis sends a soldier to find the mysterious group and discover a way to protect the land for centuries to come.
That soldier is a recruit named Sharpened Edge. He journeys away from his home in the newly founded city of Canterlot on his mission to protect his home. He is joined by many friends that aid him on his journey to save the world they know. They face many obstacles along their path, each of which testing their strengths and exploiting their weaknesses. But, they face through it all and learn about trusting each other.
Journey along with them and discover how the Elements of Harmony were created to defend Equestria today.
This is a big project for me. I asked for OC's from many people on this site and got so many results.
All chapters will have a list of characters at the end and who created them with links to their page. While main characters list will be placed here once the characters are introduced.
- Sharpened Edge- created by me
this is definitely an interesting start, and you delivered what seems like an affective prologue or introduction.
what i really like is the subtle implication of this world being no where near as stable as the one presented in the show. that being said, i've only a vague idea of what the main conflict will be about. i get that past equestria is more dangerous than present equestria, there's little implication on the overarching plot or how the characters themselves with fit into the narrative. it's a good scene, and it effectively establishes the working relationship between the two characters, and edge's emotional state is relieved succinctly and with impact. the characters are introduced but by no means established. all that's left to really kickstart the story is a reveal of an overarching plot and a way for the characters introduced to be a central aspect in moving that plot forward.
i'm now diving into more subjective topics, the following is meant to be something to consider; effective characters and character moments will make or break your story with me personally. the easiest way to build characters is to present them with choices and to show how they react to specific events. the actions of your characters will tell us more about them than any backstory or dialogue. i'd also advise caution with edge, as there is an element of sadness to him. the threshold between sympathetic sadness and annoying sadness is slippery. just don't overdo any emotion the characters are feeling. show us how edge's underlying sadness effects his decision making process. i also advocate juxtaposition and brevity. any of edge's sad moments will be amplified if he's not sad all the time.
my overall impression is good! all you have to do now, as mentioned before, is establish a plot and build your world and characters!
3257560
Agreed. It was a good start with only a few minor flaws. Mostly in grammar, andthose are easy to fix ;).
[Edit: The criticised part has been changed. So as per the author's request I've edited my comment to avoid spoilers.]
Oh and one other thing; I think twitterdick really hit the nail when he said this was a good prologue. Maybe you should really call it that instead of chapter1?
This was a pretty nice opening. And I pretty much agree with twitterdick and fanboy.
I like the way you describe what the characters look like. You did a good job making it more than simply, "Character has this color mane, this color coat, and this cutie mark" and made it relate to who they are to some degree. That was very nice.
My only complaint is that, throughout the whole thing, I'm never quite sure where they are. You never gave much of any description of their surroundings so all I can do is guess or think of them floating in limbo. Right here at the beginning,
right where the comma is would be the perfect spot to give just a little description of their surroundings. Maybe something like, "He paused for a response and stared at his bunk mate. His friend's blank glance, illuminated softly by candlelight like the rest of their dorm room, told him enough. The two held their stares for a moment as the night air rolled in through an open window and ruffled the sheets on the bunk beds beside them."
Overall a pretty good start, I'll probably be checking back for future chapters.
This is going to be epic.
3262761>>3262487
Thanks for your feedback. I was actually looking into that one line that both of you pointed out and decided to cut that. I found a much better point in the future that could really have a better impact on the reader. Sorry if the suspense was taken away from you. Also, if you wouldn't mind deleting that part of the comment as to not ruin it for anyone else that would be wonderful.
As for the grammar issues. The program I use for typing never really shows me the exact way to place commas, semicolons, or when to split a a sentence into two. Plus, when I type on this is it never tells me when there's an error in spelling. So if I'm typing fast, it might end up messing up solely due to the speed that I am hitting the keys.
3265636
Done. I'm glad I was able to help ^^.
3265636
Spoiler removed.
Another nice chapter. And don't worry, there isn't too mcuh information going on. Maybe you could have made it a but longer, but all in all, it's good the way it is.
Since I'm pretty tired, for now three little things I noticed:
Again, there are some grammatical flaws. so I'd like to ask, do you proofread your stories? Like I said in my last comment, that is nothing major. But it will only be as long as those flaws remain few. Nobody is safe from making mistakes, but that's all the more reason to be extra careful about this ;).
Next would be the unnecessary commas. It's a trap I tend to run into myseld a lot. Unless you are trying to slow down a scene on purpose, keep sentences as short as possible. So, if you should ever find, that two (or more) statements connected by a comma can be cut down into seperate snetences, do it. For example:
"The assembly room was bare and the only source of light came from a glass window that replaced half of the ceiling, but tree leaves and branches blocked out most the light."
This could be turned into
"The assembly room was bare. Its only source of light was a glass window that replaced half of the ceiling. A poor source, since tree leaves and branches blocked out most the light."
And the last thing would be a simple word you used - menacingly. That is to onvious. Okay, the whole scene is kind of obvious. It's screaming of Star Swirl being up to something. Wether of his own will or not. But letting him smile menacingly is just a bit too much. And it makes Edge look somewhat dimwitted. Just let Star Swirl smile satisfied, that should be enough ;).
3271547
Hey thanks again for the feedback! I have one request for you though. Actually two, but one of those could just be counted as a question. And yes, I do proofread my stories. If you read my last comment on this you'll see why there are the grammatical errors.
Please don't put a long comment pointing out every little small detail that I got wrong. I do appreciate it and it doesn't take too long to find the worst of them. Except, I feel like after this is done, I'll have read a whole other story made of reviews simply from your comments.
Sweet :D Gonna Fav this!
3276948
And I say thank you for the fav! And don't worry about your OC. She'll appear in good time.
Whoops, almost forgot to favorite. I'll do that now.
I enjoy the length of this chapter, and look forward to the next installment! Keep up the good work!