NLR vs. Solar Empire

by Dashite

Chapter 1- The begining

"It was not supposed to happen but it did and now it's too late for any peace or tranquility the war has begun and nothing can be done to stop it this is corporal Shadowshot signing out for the last time". The air was warm and the sun was shining it was a beautiful day in Ponyville and the two princess's Luna and Celestia were sitting in the castle doing what they do best maintain harmony and friendship throughout Equestria until one night when Luna brought up the moon a Pegasus pony of unknown origins snuck into the castle and tried to assassinate Celestia. She quickly reacted to the break in as one of Luna's pitiful attempts of taking over as princess and banished her from the castle she fled Canterlot in search of a new town and new recruits for the new army she was assembling the NLR Luna has done a great job in enlisting many ponies but her army is not the only one growing Celestia is creating a giant army known as the Solar empire. Celestia has enlisted many of the ponyville residents but not all a select few did choose to follow Luna in these crazy times those few where given the most respect and made officers in the Army they control their own squad of 6 them included and one of them is the element of loyalty Rainbow Dash was the third to join right after Soarin and Spitfire the other Wonderbolt chose Celestia the traitor but Rainbow Dash and the wonderbolts aren't bad.Celestia on the other hand has so many troops and many others that will help her. "Um hello is this thing on oh um this is Fluttershy I don't know what to do I chose to side with Celestia I wish I could say the same for Rainbow Dash I really wish she would have joined us but now that she chose Luna I might see her on the battlefield I hope I dont because I wont be able to do anything or to anypony and Celestia made me a captain I'm not a leader I'm a follower um I guess i will see what tomorrow has in store for me Fluttershy signing off"." Hey this is Captain Rainbow Dash doing a little audio log for the NLR I can't believe I am on the same side as the wonderbolts I might even be able to join them after this war because their third member joined Celestia and I know we will win that means the other member is likely to die giving me a good chance at it ok well thes is Rainbow Dash signing off hoping for fun tomorrow".

Comments

[Doomande]

A lot of things that could be better. First of all use commas, you are killing the story without them. Your sentences are very hard to read without them, and you have none at all.

Remember that you are telling a ponyfied story, so no use of hands and what not.

Remember your paragraphs, like I do here. That way is it easier to read. And a wall of text is never a good sign when you look at a story.

You should not be afraid of using your words. What you have here is so compressed, that it was hard to find the head and tail in it most of the time. Also remember to explain things. You are the guy with all the info in your head, and you are going to tell a story to the reader. That you say that there is a pony with the name Shadowshot is not enough info, as a reader does I not even know if the corporal is a mare or stallion, or what Shadowshot looks like.
And what you have here could properly end up in something like 2 or 3K words if you took the time to put the words down.

And again, and I can´t say this to many times remember split up your text, there was no periods or commas in Fluttershys 3 line long talk. No one can talk so long without taking a breath, and it is just badly done, and no excuse can explain it.

The tense is also jumping between present and past tense all the time, and with only 450 words should it not be so hard to make the right tense the whole way though it.

Besides all that was it very badly worded. As a whole chapter didn´t I get anything out of it, nothing about the plot or the characters, I could figure out that there was a pegasus that tried to kill Celestia and shit hit the fan, but was that it?