Chapters (5)
Dashite
Joined 25th Feb, 2012 ·
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Yikes.
For future reference (and for use of the edit button), wall of text = do not want to read. Split your writing into paragraphs. Also, your chapters a REALLY short.
A lot of things that could be better. First of all use commas, you are killing the story without them. Your sentences are very hard to read without them, and you have none at all.
Remember that you are telling a ponyfied story, so no use of hands and what not.
Remember your paragraphs, like I do here. That way is it easier to read. And a wall of text is never a good sign when you look at a story.
You should not be afraid of using your words. What you have here is so compressed, that it was hard to find the head and tail in it most of the time. Also remember to explain things. You are the guy with all the info in your head, and you are going to tell a story to the reader. That you say that there is a pony with the name Shadowshot is not enough info, as a reader does I not even know if the corporal is a mare or stallion, or what Shadowshot looks like.
And what you have here could properly end up in something like 2 or 3K words if you took the time to put the words down.
And again, and I can´t say this to many times remember split up your text, there was no periods or commas in Fluttershys 3 line long talk. No one can talk so long without taking a breath, and it is just badly done, and no excuse can explain it.
The tense is also jumping between present and past tense all the time, and with only 450 words should it not be so hard to make the right tense the whole way though it.
Besides all that was it very badly worded. As a whole chapter didn´t I get anything out of it, nothing about the plot or the characters, I could figure out that there was a pegasus that tried to kill Celestia and shit hit the fan, but was that it?