1- The Start
Pain.
Anger.
Those were the two emotions that were prevalent in Noi's hyperactive mind. It was all she could think about, even after leaving the hospital one day ago. Those two words filled several pages of her diary:
“Dear diary... I don’t even know if I really want to tell you what happened me today. Let’s assume you want to: do you remember that I told you about my hospital stay, to cure my nausea, high fever and the like? Well, turns out, I got operated on by a flankhole, and, as result, I am forced into diapers. Yes, you heard me: diapers. Similar to the one wear by the foals, but bigger. And you can guess that I’m not too fond about it.
I want to spare you the whole thing, since you might not like what happened to your beloved Noi. But I can tell you one thing: I was mighty annoyed, when I discovered it. So annoyed, that sent some insults to Dr. Aegrocida, the medic that told me the big news.
My scar, over to throb for no apparent reasons, it’s still sore and itches. I’d wish to just scratch my wound, but everytime I tried to do so, the nurses told me to not do it. Also, I suffer of frequent jabs of pain: sometimes I get a dose of painkiller, sometimes not, but when I do, I feel very good, almost like if I was just slacking off in the bed of my house, instead of awaiting recovery in hospital.”.
The page had signs to have been wet by tears, and had some spots of dried pea soup all over the place; and the writing of the small book was characterized by a tendency to switch from cursive and capital very frequently.
“Dear diary, my lap seems as though it has its own heart, for how much it palpitates; and my sister Carrot Top said again that I am just a foal that outgrew her true body. Today, I was forced to apologize to Dr. Aegrocida, namely, the doctor that gave me the bad news, and whom I chewed out. Poor pony: he wasn’t his fault at all: it was fault of that medic.
That miserable excuse for a pony. I’d wish to saw away his horn, and poke his eyes out; or gather every patient he ‘cured’, and tear him apart, limb to limb.
But I know that it won’t happen, not even if I beg in chinese.
I still feel pain, my diary, but I don’t feel it so often as before, and, somehow, the itch is gone. I hope to finally get rid altogheter of the funny feelings on my lap, and walk on my own hooves without losing a liter of a mixture of pee, blood and pus.”
The writing of the page was more regular, than the page before, but the page was still dirtied by traces of soup.
“Five days, dear diary, five days. Five days from my radical change. I’ve tried many times to see if I could avoid using diapers, but to no avail. In random order, I peed on my bed; I got a diaper rash; and...”
The yellow filly tossed aside her diary and quill and rolled onto her back to stare up at the ceiling, exposing her scar from the surgery. The gash over her torso resulted from an appendicitis surgery done five days before.
The doctors, her parents, her sister... she still remembered their words:
********{I}********{N}********{C]********{A}****************{I}********{N}********{C}********{A}********
“Come on Noi, don’t be too afraid: it’s a simple operation. It won’t hurt, and, after that, you won’t be bothered anymore by that nasty pain in the stomach!”
“This is your opportunity, my dear sister. If you show me that you can handle to stay in the hospital for a couple of days, and you won't freak out over if you see blood or other fluids, then I won't consider you a foal anymore, but see you more as a mare.”
“Noi, sweetheart, don’t be afraid: the doctors of the hospital know what they are doing, and the operation won’t hurt at all. I swear !”.
“I know that this is hard to believe, but, trust me: you won’t feel a thing; and the only thing that will remain of the operation will be a small scar on your lap”
{I}********{N}********{C]********{A}****************{I}********{N}********{C}********{A}********
They all lied to her, albeit unknowingly.
{I}******{N}******{C]******{A}******Five days before******{I}******{N}******{C}******{A}
When Noi entered in the hospital, she entered there a little afraid of what was going on, since she didn’t know anyone at the hospital, and wasn't sure about the outcome of the operation.
On the other hoof, everyone had told to Noi that the doctors of the hospital knew what they were doing; and that, in the span of two weeks after the operation, she was going to forget that she even felt any pain, and where it had been located.
The Foal Ward of the hospital seemed to convey an atmosphere of reassurance, comfort and cheer. While Noi walked along with her parents towards her room, she noticed that, unlike how they were described by her sister, the walls weren't white, but blue and orange. Like if the ward was constantly celebrating a very happy celebration. While some rooms were actually a simple line of bed and night tables. The beds were actually pretty clean, and seemed like new. Other rooms were actually filled with things that the yellow filly could not recognize at a first glance, but could tell that were some medical instruments whose machinery were colored in orange and light blue; the ceilings were painted with elaborate drawings. Overall, the whole atmosphere was very different, compared to the supposed “building built on mucus and tears,” that Noi's sister Carrot Top described to her.
Also, the fact that the hospitalized filly had company in her room, instead of having the room for herself, improved the situation. With a roommate, she could vent out her stress, and the time would pass faster, if she had something to do.
Everything went as planned, and none of Noi's silly fears, like doctors with very big syringes, blood jetting everywhere after hitting a vein, or nurses beating savagely the colts and the fillies for no reason, was ever realized. Everything was a lot more relaxed than it sounded; all in all it was a bit more nicer than how it was imagined.
However, what happened the day of operation, on other hand, was something akin to a nightmare, considering the terrible sight that the filly saw, and the long-term effects that Noi would be forced to live with for the rest of her life.
That day, when she was forced to skip the breakfast, the yellow filly was, clearly, nervous about the procedure: she shifted her eyes around the environment quickly, like if she was awaiting from a moment to another to be attacked by a wild beast coming out of nowhere; she was whimpering, at the thought of the incoming surgery; she hugged tightly the blanket of her bed; and begged silently to the nurses and medics to dismiss her. Her roommate, seeing her tried to talk with her, in hope to make her less nervous, but to no avail.
Since she was told that she was going to be asleep thanks to a special kind of gas, during the operation, other questions were added to Noi’s mind.
As soon the anesthetist pony come in the room, few hours after her awakening, Noi asked covering herself under the light blankets of her hospital bed, and trembling like a leaf in the wind:
“C-can I ask a q-q-question?”
The anesthetist, an unicorn with a red-spotted white fur, said with a slightly annoyed voice:
“Yes, you can.”
Noi asked timidly; “T-they told m-me th-h-hat I was going to be put to sleep, for my operation. But I-I have still-l-l unanswered questions...”
“Go ahead”
“W-w-when I wake up, will the operation will be d-done ? Or I will wake up w-while it’s going ? Or will I ever wake up in the f-f-first place ?”
The pony answered, “No damage can come from the gas; you won’t wake up during the surgery, and you will wake up as soon it’s finished.”
The medic placed the breathing mask on Noi’s muzzle
“Now breathe deeply.” The yellow filly obeyed, and, while she breathed the gas, she slowly drifted in unawareness.
When Noi regained awareness of her surroundings, she heard the beeping sound of ECG, and a muffled clashing of metal. The hospitalized filly was expecting to find herself in the recovery room, but as soon Noi opened her eyes, her hope was shattered. She was still in the Operating Room.
In front of her, an unicorn surgeon was levitating a scalpel, scalpel that was pointed darkly towards Noi's torso, while other two doctors watched. At that sight, panic and fear filled Noi's heart: no one told her that she was going to receive another surgery while awake! She was unsure about what to do, so she asked, with the heart full of fear, what was going on to the surgeon pony.
He didn't answered, and just grinned: after that, he carved through flesh with the scalpel in the center of Noi’s lower torso. However, she hadn’t felt pain, when the scalpel cleaved her flesh, nor had she received sensory stimuli when the doctor kept cutting up her body: this bizarre occurrence caused Noi’s pupils to grow to a size that even her considered impossible, and looked at the surgeron.
The filly also tried to move her right hoof for take the attention of the doctors for ask a question, only to find out that she could not, the operated filly was immobilized; and so her heartbeats started to raise, and she started to sweat profusely, and asked; “W-w-what’ s going o-o-on ? T-t-this should not h-h-happe-e-en ! O-or it should?”
The other two doctors were too busy trying to stop the unicorn surgeon from carving into her flesh, telling him that “The patient is awake” and “It would be correct to give her some more anesthetic.”
The doctor turned a deaf ear, towards his colleagues, and continued cleaving, causing increasing alarm in Noi: the other two medics just said that the effects of the anaesthetic had ran out, meaning that, one moment or another, she was going to feel pain again. The sole fact that it was unavoidable, save another dose of the gas, caused Noi to shudder, and, finally, break out in hot tears, and into incoherent screamings.
After those unfelt cuts into the lower torso, the surgeon tried to throw away the chunk of bare flesh resulted by the previous incisions, while the other two doctors tried to stop him, and told Noi to keep the calm. As soon the other two surgeons said this, Noi began to feel pain, while a piece of her flesh, connected to the body by few strands of flesh, was forcefully torn off. Noi fainted.
Later on, Noi woke up to a familiar beeping, and to an incoherent murmur coming from her left. Noi sighed in relief: it was all a dream. A bad dream. Or was it?
The yellow filly watched her bandaged lap: over it, there was black card with a green ribbon over it. The filly took it in her hooves, opened it, and read it... only to drop it in shock.
In the card, it was written: “Sorry, Noi, you are incontinent now. The other doctors tried to fix what the original surgeon done to you, but to no avail. Your sister, Carrot Top, Ma & Pa”
{I}********{N}********{C]********{A}****************{I}********{N}********{C}********{A}********
And now Noi, while wearing a diaper, said with her teeth grinning, and dull eyes:
"Why I am the victim of a sick desire of a surgeon ? What I have done ? Why me? What I am going to do, once I return to school? Scratch that, how I am supposed to go around the town with these on, without looking like an idiot? Why there are no solution for this? Granted, his medical license was revoked, and he was going to be processed, and punished soon, but that doesn’t' t improve the situation, nor my mood! If he did it, there must be a way to undo it!”
These were the thoughts that filled the filly's mind. That last one, unlike the others, made her bite the pillow, and bellow like an angry bull; and, between a bite to the innocent pillow and a hoof to the mattress, she said “This make no sense at all”. After all, the surgeon didn't cut off entirely the bladder and the sphincter, so there should be still a chance to fix it.
Unfortunately, this was not the case.
********{I}********{N}********{C]********{A}****************{I}********{N}********{C}********{A}********
Noi had her ears flattened, and was watching the doctor in incredulity. “Really ? Nothing you can do about it ? No medicines ? No other operations, nothing at all?”
The pony in white coat shook his head sadly, and spoke up; “Nothing, Noi. We don’t have the ways to fix your body, after what that madpony did to you.”
The doctor hoofed to the filly’s mother a big, light gray pack labelled as “diapers”, then come back to speak at the filly: “This is the only solution. I can imagine how much is bad for you, seemingly to come back to a stage that you don’t want to experience again. But this must be done.”
That said, the medic also gave to Noi’s mother the prescription for the painkiller, just for be totally sure. While the yellow filly exited from the white office, she murmured: “It’s not right, it’s not right, it’s not right...”
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While she was thinking to this, Noi felt a growing desire of vent her rage more consistently, mixed with sadness against something or somebody, but at the same time, she knew that destroying something wasn't going to solve anything, and that talking with another pony was more useful.
And so the now incontinent filly returned to her thoughts, until she heard a knock on the wooden door of her bedroom. Sighing, Noi told ot the one on the other side to come in.
In the room, Noi's sister Carrot Top stepped in: while she opened the door, she spoke these words: “Noi, come on, I know that you are disturbed by what happened, but you should stop sorry for yourself!”
“Why I should? I lost the control of my bodily functions; I need to wear these diapers; I must go through the humiliation of going with them on me at school; how I can stop thinking about that, especially if a very short time has passed!”
The mare with green eyes and orange mane said with a nonchalant tone. “It can't be that bad! I'm certain that many fillies like you have the same problem!”
Noi bellowed; “How many do you know, Carrot? And how many are like me because a madpony with a stolen medical license decided that it would be fun, to ruin a filly's life?”
Carrot Top was left speechless.
“See? None! Nopony went through what I went through! Nopony knows how I felt, nopony but me! That's why I don't want to go back to school right back after the hospital! That's why I feel unsure about showing myself!”
The answer was stern. “Noi! That's not true! Many other ponies underwent something similar to what you passed, and with more dire consequences at the end, than their bladder destroyed! And yet they returned easily to a normal life!”
Noi banged her head on the pillow, crying tears that seemed hot like molten bronze on her fur, and full of the rage and regret that filled the soul of the unfortunate filly. “Get out. Like, now. No, really, get out. You are just doing insane comparisons between adult ponies with a strong will, and me. You are asking too much from me!”
The mare with the orange mane answered back angered. “No, my little sister, it's because you don't get over over it like an adult, you just cry about it, and hope that help will fall from the sky and fix it for you. Also, those weren't insane comparisons, they were perfectly legitimate comparisons.”
She began to cry angered. “And what I should do? There is no way to reverse the damage caused by the insanity of that surgeon! I can't control the mind of the others to avoid getting laughed, or glanced at. I can only cry, and hope that, sooner or later, I will get over it! It's like when you cry at funerals: you know that your tears won't bring the dead back, but crying makes you feel better!”
“This is not a serious thing”
“It's not serious for you, because you're not the one who now has to deal with not having any control over your body and the social embarrassment of having to wear a diaper. For me, it's the most horrific event that happened to me so far ! And I need some time, to get used to this change in my lifestyle! I mean, before I can return to study with the others, I need some peace, to prepare myself to the torment.”
“That doesn’t change anything, Noi, you still can't cry about it for days! You can't ask to your parents to keep you home for days; because you are too afraid of face reality!”
Noi was even more annoyed, and, while sniffing, said beating with her left hoof on the floor, like the gavel of a judge sentencing a killer; the yellow filly, in stark contrast about how she was acting before, took an aggressive stance with her body. Her position was similar to the one of the cats. With her teeth bared, she said this words to her older sister:. “I. Need. Time. To. Prepare. Myself. For. The. Likely. Mocking. Resulting. By. My. Condition. Do you understand that?”
Carrot Top was going to say something, when an older voice called; “Lunch's ready! Get over here!”
“We will discuss about it while eating... ”
And so the two ponies exited from the filly's room, and went in the dining room.
During the lunch, the situation was quite tense: Noi was tense in trying to eat only the bare essential for keep her alive, and so avoid troubles with her damaged muscles, while Carrot Top, in a puerile way, kept adding food in Noi's place, causing Noi to roll her eyes, and place the food back to the dish where it came from; the parents saw the situation getting tense: they knew this, since their younger daughter was watching with narrowed eyes her older sister, who exchanged with a smug look on her face, and used the left hoof as imaginary fan.
Between a fork of salad, and an angry glare at Carrot Top, the filly without bladder control whispered; “You still consider me as a foal for an event that, likely would have shattered your spirit at my age. You think that I’m behaving like a toddler, by asking to stay at home for a day, before going back to school. Basically, you are asking to me to become the master of flight without the wings.”
The young mare seemed uncaring about what Noi was saying, and commented; “Keep crying like a baby. This will get you far in life.”
.The two adults of the house picked up what was going on before her eyes: a sibling argument that ran the risk of turning into a full-scale fight, if left unchecked.
Bronze Hoe, the father, in an attempt to break the ice, asked to the daughters; “So, how did your morning go?”
Noi slightly jumped; “It passed quite decently: I read some books, did the homework for tomorrow, and wrote some entries of my diary. “ By this point, Noi's voice had a tone of anger. "However, as soon I wrote in my diary, the painful experience of the past three days returned, and so I started to cry about my condition, and thought what happened to me, and why. Why I was the one destined to be the toy of a sadistic doctor. And as soon I started to think about my condition, Carrot Top entered again, and said that my behavior is unacceptable for a filly of my age.”
Carrot Top reacted. “Because it is, Noi. Five days have passed, and yet you can't handle your condition and you also asked to stay at home for today, supposedly for 'prepare yourself' to the reaction of the others. Please, grow up.”
Mondina, the old mother of Carrot Top, pointed at the older daughter. “Carrot Top, that's not true at all! Actually, I found her having a very mature reaction, in face of this problem. Instead of throwing temper tantrums, or trying to deny her condition, or get whatever she wants by using her lack of control as excuse, she acts rather well. Her reaction of still thinking about it after five days is perfectly natural.”
Carrot Top facehoofed. “Even asking to stay at home, instead of go to school, and face the truth, is mature behavior, compared to a normal filly? To me, it sounds like a more immature behavior.”
The father entered in the discussion. “Carrot, even if Noi shows a more mature behavior, she is still a filly; she needs time to prepare herself to the unavoidable round of mocking that will came with her arrival! Also, she is going to stay at home only for today!”
The filly in question reacted surprised, and begged; “No ! I want to stay at home even tomorrow! I'm still not ready!” The mother patted the head of the daughter like the one of an attention-needing dog. “I know that you aren't totally ready, Noi, but you must do it. If you wish, we can put a long dress, so you can hide your diaper better.” The incontinent filly sighed. “It must be done, and I will do it. Now, can I leave this table ?”
Noi's parents nodded, and let Noi returned in her room for return to her routine of reading, doing her homework, having a snack before going to bed.
Carrot Top remained with her parents a little bit more, before also going back to work in fields, like she did for two years since the yellow mare hit the age of twenty. However, before Carrot Top could return to the fields, her father said; “Carrot, your behavior towards your sister wasn't acceptable: you should apologize with her.” The mare rolled her eyes, and said a dull “Yes, dad.” She had heard that phrase so many times in her life, that Carrot Top could not care less anymore.
The evening, and the night, passed without any noticeable events; but, to Noi, that night was full of anxiety for the next day of her new look: for express her concerns, she started to write again in her diary:
“Dear diary, I know that I have already bothered you, with my constant ranting about my newfound incontinence, but, trust me, I don’t have anypony that would listen to me: my parents are, most of the times, working at keeping the family running; my sister is still the same, old, annoying harpy that pesters me with her blabbering about growing up, being strong and such; and my few friends say that they don’t want to disturb me.
Anyway, this afternoon, while I was doing my make up work and read, I was thinking about what is going to happen tomorrow at school.
The fact that I will go to school in a diaper, something that I haven’t done since the first year of kindergarten, makes me think about the reaction of my classmates.
Will they all laugh at my misfortune, since I don’t look, and likely smell, very normal ?
Will they understand my situation, and treat me better, thinking that my incontinence gives me the divine right to be treated better than anyone else?
Or they won’t care, and will handle me like they handled me before that damned surgery, done by that son of a bitch of a doctor ?
This is all for tonight, dear diary. Now I must go to sleep, before daddy steps in.”
Noi closed her diary, put it on the table, and placed herself under the blankets, as sleep quickly overtook her.
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The next day, Noi woke up at the six of the morning, and went straight to the kitchen for prepare breakfast to herself. While Noi was loading the coffee maker, to make coffee, and then and milk, to make it to her taste, she was greeted by her sister, also an early bird.
Carrot Top, scrubbing her eyes, entered in the kitchen with heavy steps. “So, today is the great day, huh?”
Noi laid the table “Yes, it is. I wonder what they will think of me, once they see me in diaper."
Carrot Top sniffed the air, smelling a faint smell and slightly winced. “They won't accept you easily, if you go to school with the diaper that you used for the night. Anyway, I have no idea.”
The filly grumbled; “Thanks a lot, sister. Very helpful.” Then the yellow filly went into the bathroom for change herself, while Carrot Top finished to prepare the breakfast for herself, Noi, Mondina, and Bronze Hoe.
After cleaning herself, and having breakfast, Noi went back to set up for her return to school. The yellow filly went in her room, and raided her wardrobe, looking for a dress that could cover up her diaper.
After opening the left door of the wardrobe in her room, the filly started to pull out the various dresses that were contained in the piece of furniture.
The first thing that she pulled out, was a dark blue cape with a gray hood.
“This will provoke curiosity over what I am hiding, instead of make everyone think that I just chose to wear this. Let’s try again”
The diapered filly pulled out a light red frilly dress with green stripes.
“No, just no”
The pulling of capes kept going, until Noi found a very long cape, whose color was the same of her fur.
“Perfect! It’s the same color of my fur, it’s big, and with some luck it won’t draw attention to me!” She then proceeded to wear the dress.
After placing the dress over herself, the filly placed on her back the saddlebag with the school material and the change in it, and hit the road towards the school, along with her mother.
After reaching the building, Mondina handled to the daughter a small piece of paper for Cheerlie, with the reasons for her attire, and the need of five minute to sometimes clean herself up. After giving the piece of paper to Noi, Mondina left.
After the departure of her mother, Noi trotted towards the entrance of the school: while she was entering, she saw again the faces of her classmates: some of them seemed happy to see her again; others, understandably, didn't care about Noi's return. Basically, everything seemed the same, to the eyes of the incontinent filly. However, something of more subtle had changed, during Noi's absence: while the yellow filly was entering in the courtyard of the school, she was neared by a pink filly, her name Diamond Tiara, who saw the yellow filly entering. “Hey Noi, why you are wearing a cape? Are you ashamed by the fact that you are an heavy sleeper? Or maybe...”
Noi was insulted by that filly many times, so no surprise from that. However, Diamond Tiara's lackey, namely a gray filly who had the name Silver Spoon, didn't reacted like Noi had expected, namely also mock her, no instead the gray filly slowly placed a hoof in front of pink filly's mouth, and said; “It's not the tem, Diamond; remember what I decided to do, shome days ago?”
“Aaaw, come on, Silver! I thought you still found fun in doing this after all!”
As the two bullies talked, the bell rang, signaling the start of the lessons. Noi entered in the building, whereupon she left the message for Cheerilee on her desk and sat down, the yellow filly was left wondering about something, it was a thing that she could not express right at the moment, since she was alone in the class, and forgot her diary at home.
While Noi was thinking to that, everyone else entered in the class. Before going to their seats, every filly and colt in class; barring Diamond Tiara, Snip and Snails, passed by Noi's desk. Sometimes asking about the dress, sometimes standing silent, but everybody dropped something, either cards welcoming her back; little pins of very low valor, both in materials and moral meaning, and sometimes a flower, like if they were going to carry a flowers to a tomb.
Finally, Cheerliee entered, read silently the message of the yellow filly, then began the lesson.
The morning was going great, as far as Noi could tell. No one noticed anything, no one seemed give too much attention to her, and they just followed Cheerilee's lessons. By the time of the fourth hour of lesson, nothing happened, and seemed to keep doing so until the end of the school day.
While the teacher pony was explaining Pythagoras' Tables, in a moment of distraction, the diapered filly looked around her, and saw that her classmates were doing: Sweetie Belle was sleeping on her desk, Snails was writing, likely obscene phrases on the desk, Archer was using a very-poorly constructed slingshot for annoy with paper darts Diamond Tiara, who always answered by launching a graphite stick towards the blue colt. Basically the usual day for that class, who were still unaware about Noi's condition.
While was looking around her, the yellow filly started to whisper; “Well, it seems that no one noticed my diaper. Good, I have plenty of time, before I have an accident that will reveal me...”
Noi felt something of warm filling her rear end. “Damn it! I need to change! Alright, don't lose your head, just ask to go away for a moment." And so Noi did: she raised her hoof, and asked Cheerliee to leave the class for few minutes, and take care of her “problem” mentioned in the message. But in the impetuosity of the moment, after picking up the bag with the change, the yellow filly tripped, crashing on the paper bin, and tearing away the cape with the help of the hook that held the blackboard.
In the class, while Noi come back on her hooves, there was silence. Then, a phrase from Featherweight; “Noi is... is... is...”
Twist finished what the colt started: “Noi is vearing a diaper! And she also used it! She is a foal ! An overgrovn foal!”
That phrase made the class burst in laughs. Noi rotated her face, and saw that, basically everypony in the class was laughing, even Apple Bloom; Scootaloo; and Sweetie Belle, who were once the “holy outcasts” of the class, and generally never laughed at someone's misfortune.
Clearly, the situation was so funny that nopony could refrain from laughing.
The yellow filly at first started to whimper, before stopping herself, and realizing the hypocrisy of her classmates, that they who were welcoming her back just some hours before, and now were insulting her.
This fact alone made Noi's blood boil and her eye twitched as the stress and embarrassment overwhelmed her. "I'll get them!" The filly hissed so no one could hear it. "I'll shave off their manes, and make a ratty old mop out of them!"
However, on closer inspection, Noi saw that not everyone was pointing at her. Silver Spoon was facehoofing, and saying something. Clearly, the rich filly with glasses was disappointed for what was going on.
Finally, an angry Silver Spoon said: “Stop this shameful display of idieocia, and go back to work! Noi clearly doesn’t have control of her functionsh! It's not her fault!” The gray filly pointed to Cheerilee; “Am I right, Missh Cheerliee?”
The teacher, ignoring Silver Spoon, with a stern tone of voice, barked to the class:
“ Silence! Silence! Please, stop this unseemly behaviour now, or your families will be informed, about this unacceptable behaviour !”
It was to no usel. The classmates would not stop insulting and mocking her. The diapered schoolfilly at first tried to detach, in vain the hook from the wall to use it as weapon. When this attempt failed, she started to place her rear hooves near the front ones, only to then return to try to tear off the hook. Because of the turmoil in her mind, Noi stood for a bit on the floor before running out of class to reach the bathroom.
Once in the room, Noi reached the sink, put the bag with the change on the floor and proceeded to change her absorbent garment. When the yellow filly was finally done, she returned in the now-silent classroom, and Noi returned to her seat.
After that event, during the last hour of school, Noi was bombarded by pieces of paper that insulted the filly. Be it a crude drawing of her on a mountain of poo, a simple rhyme about her condition, or a tissue with the phrase “Take it: you will use it. A lot.” Noi was insulted, this time without anyone being forthcoming about the offenders and without her seeing who had passed or threw what.
Finally, the bell rang as Noi hastily placed her material in the saddlebag, and exited from the building fast as she could, hoping to avoid further problems, however, as soon the insulted filly was out of the school's walls, Noi stopped for a second, and she murmured:
“Why had Silver Spoon been so nice all of sudden ?”
Noi had expected to be spotted, and insulted first, by either Silver Spoon or Diamond Tiara, but it wasn't so. Instead, Featherweight saw her and Twist set in motion the gamut of jokes that would run for a long time. Since the diapered filly never saw one of the two bullies so kind to defend someone from the insults, let alone not laugh with the others, Noi decided to wait a bit for Silver Spoon, and listen to her the reasons for her change of mind.
Luckily, Silver Spoon was the second filly to exit from school, so it didn't take long for the yellow filly to see the gray filly, and get near her. Once Noi arrived near Silver Spoon, the yellow filly pretended to bump into her. “I have a question for you...”
Silver Spoon slightly jumped in surprise, almost losing her glasses: after putting them back on her muzzle, the unexpected defender of Noi asked with a voice between tiredness and annoyed. “Oh, greetengsh Noi. What do you wish to know from me?”
Noi widened her eyes in surprise. And so, the yellow filly answered; “What I wish to know from you? How you can't get that? I want to know why you defended me!”
Silver Spoon sighed, then put on a smile, and said; “We are in an open field, shall we go to the bar near to school, so we can talk about it in perfect peace?”
Noi didn't think about it twice. “Good idea! If you wish, I can offer you a nice glass matè, to repay part of what you have done for me today!”
The gray filly said; “No thanksh, I have my money for an eventual drink. Now let's go.”
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you got a few spelling errors.
Is English a second (or third or fourth) language to you? The story reads like it was made by someone that knows the words but lacks the knowledge to put them together in a coherent manner.
>“So, how your morning went ?”
That right there summarizes the problem succinctly. Broken Engrish with a dash of too-fast-on-the-Space-key. Your punctuation is all over the place or, even worse, completely absent.
>. . . and said that my behavior is unacceptable for a filly of my age”
It doesn't take a high level of comprehension to know to put a period at the end of a sentence. There is no excuse for this; it's lazy editing through-and-through.
The plot itself is rather asinine, what with the nutty surgeon (a simple mistake during surgery would have sufficed) acting as a completely unexplained and ill-conceived plot delivery device. The narration is wonky and the children do not talk (or, in Noi's case [which is not in any way a pony name according to the show's naming conventions], think) like children. Also, Twist's lisp does not produce 'v's', it turns 's's' into 'th's'.
In short:
2955112
You have*
Oh, the irony strikes fast and cuts deep.
2955432
Let me say that, Darken: I already knew that you were going to get here, and puke on my ideas.
But, ok, you are right most of the time, so, let's get in the discussion.
You want to know the answer ? Yes, techinically it is, since I've learned languages in this order: italian-tuscan-english. Also, my editors are working on it.
That's a problem that I have also in m native tounge, and I'm trying my best to fix it.
YOur exaple is not clear at all.
When I say that I write after drinking a big cup of tea mixed with sakè (or, as they call it there "The Half-Stoner"), I mean it, it's not a joke. It's not an excuse for keep it as it is, but I can rework on it.
In this case...
I know that Noi doesen't seem childlike in temrs of behaviour, but that's what passed in my mind when I wrote it, so, in an eventual rewriting, I might be able of make her more belieavable as character (also, I'm basing on the fanname of the character, otherwise, it would fall in the perview of OC). But about the other kids... all seemed pretty correct.
I'm aware of it, but if I write like that, then I might NOT read correctly what's written. It sounds weird, a writer that sometimes cannot read what he wrote, but it happens.
Now that you have done your work there... the exit is there: use it, and let my "terrible" story get eaten by the lions.
2955577
>YOur exaple is not clear at all.
Your Example*
And there is little that needs to be understood. You ended a sentence without putting a period at the end or any other form of punctuation mark. That's stupid and there is no excuse for it. You obviously paid little to no attention to your story once it was written and didn't bother to actually do a good job on editing. And speaking of editing,
>Also, my editors are working on it.
No, absolutely not. An editor's job is to correct what you missed when you already did three passes (minimum!) of corrections, not to do the job you're too lazy to do yourself.
>When I say that I write after drinking a big cup of tea mixed with sakè (or, as they call it there "The Half-Stoner"), I mean it, it's not a joke.
imgace.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/Write-Drunk.-Edit-sober.-Ernest-Hemmingway.jpg
The problem isn't that you did the former, but that you didn't follow up with the latter once you'd gotten through the hangover.
Next time, use this program so you can at least avoid the most embarrassing and simple mistakes: http://auto-reviewer.appspot.com/review
I can tell you're somewhat new to English. Don't worry, no one likes English.
Here's some general story tips:
It's taboo to tell your reader what the character is feeling. Let the character's interpretation of the surroundings, the character's actions, and the character's thoughts hint at what the character is feeling.
When you are writing your story, no matter what point of view you're using (in this story case, it is the third person point of view) you need to tell it through the eyes of one character. This will allow the narration to come to life.
I'd make it a habit not to use too many rhetorical questions, but that piece of advice just comes from a personal pet peeve of mine.
Don't use big words (for example: impetuosity). The most powerful words in English are also the most common.
Plus, many here on fimfiction.net use the Google drive system as a way to help each other get better. You should set up your own account and get antiquated with it in general.
And as I always say, keep reading, writing a criticizing!
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Once I get back the fixed version, and I write the next chapter, I will consider your words.
Pity that I write like this, with more obsolete words, even in Italian. So you will "big words" A LOT.
2955432 no talking about the description
2956948
>and get antiquated with it in general.
>antiquated
>Don't use big words
D'oh. Wrong usage, too. That means "So extremely old as seeming to belong to an earlier period".
>When you are writing your story, no matter what point of view you're using (in this story case, it is the third person point of view) you need to tell it through the eyes of one character. This will allow the narration to come to life.
I would argue that a talented author can make excellent use of omniscient narration, but in this case Daxn here should stick to the basic third-person past-tense limited-viewpoint. Good advice, but lacking in context.
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Thanks for fixing it.
2958016
My pleasure.
Really good!
Keep it up 
This is going to be rewritten from top to bottom: stay tuned !
Well very interesting buuut it needs something
Jeez, glad carrot top's not MY sister. She'd tell me the brain injury I got when I as seven was no more than a scrap on my knee or soemthing
A Tuscan accent really doesn't suit silver spoon, though I am curious as to why she was the only one to defend noi
4248015
You got a brain injury at the age of seven? Wow
Well, a Tuscan accent would fit Silver Spoon... if only I could render it!
4248015
try having 14 fucking brain surgeries, excuse my language but I've almost died from my surgeries