Twilight Incorporated

by Dead_Account_0

Testing; 1,2,3

Fluorescent Spark was suited and ready for testing, and frankly she felt absolutely ridiculous. I mean Spark enjoyed a game of dress-up as much as the next pony but a puffed-up luminescent orange jacket? Was there ever really a cause for that. To top it off, a bright green helmet sat atop her head, she was going to have the worst helmet mane ever after all this. Four rubber gum boots were on her hooves and a pair of thick black shades on her eyes. A red hip flask sat at her side filled with cold refreshing water along with a flashlight. She was just glad she didn’t have to look at herself, she’d probably die with shame. As if on cue, Veil held up a mirror and Spark almost fainted. “What have you done to me?!” she shrieked as if in pain before ruining it with another deep chesty laugh.

“I’m absolutely positive that there is no possible situation now that you aren’t prepared for,” Veil said confidently with a smile. She was ready for any conditions: hot, cold, wet, dry, dark, light. His smile suddenly turned upside down when he realised something, “unless you appear underwater! Stay here I’m going to get you an oxygen tank!” he shouted before galloping back off into the laboratory.

Fluorescent Spark didn’t know whether she should be excited or scared so she settled on scited. If this worked then they would revolutionise Equestria and she would be the first pony to ever teleport from one place to another without the use of magic. If it went wrong… well it wouldn’t! She and her colleagues had invested eight years into this project but now they were finally ready. Spark couldn’t help but hop as she moved into the workshop.

Lamplight was up in his office, sat at one of the computers furiously typing in parameters. A pair of thick framed square glasses sat on his face. The warm yellow pegasus’s hooves were clacking on the large keyboard. Spark decided to pop in to see him first. She trotted up the metal stairs and through the ajar door into the room. Walking up behind him she peered over his shoulder. A seemingly random assortment of letters and numbers soared across the screen in ordered lines. “Ooh, whatcha doing?”

“Coding,” Lamplight said tersely, keeping his eye on the small screen. His hooves continued to dance their merry dance across the keys.

Fluorescent Spark couldn’t take her eyes off the hooves’ mad jig. “I thought everything was ready?” She said absent-mindedly.

“The equipment is fully calibrated,” Lamplight said, his eyes still darting across the monitor.

“Even the matrix?” Spark said with a laugh.

Lamplight exhaled heavily and stopped typing turning to face her. “Especially the matrix,” he said with a very fake smile. “What do you want?”

“I was just checking on your progress,” Spark said defensively. Sometimes Lamplight could be such a grouch.

“I don’t need checking on. Just leave me to my work, please?” Lamplight said with another loud sigh.

“Depends,” Spark said rather childishly, sticking her tongue out at the tetchy programmer.

Lamplight turned back to his computer and started hammering at the keys again. In the next room over Fraulein Smithy decided to break into an impromptu song, her high-pitched opera voice singing in Germane. Spark continued to hover behind him just on the edge of his peripheral vision. Every time he turned his head, the fluorescent orange overcoat the pegasi was wearing would slowly nudge back into his vision and he would turn away again. Lamplight’s eyebrow began to tick angrily. He removed his glasses and rubbed his forehead, looking up to the ceiling. A gust of wind hit him in the face and he opened his eyes to see a pair of large green eyes staring at him.

“Fine!” he bellowed at the pegasi who reeled backwards in surprise but managed to stabilise and land safely. “Depends on what?” he said firmly his voice dripping with so much malice that a metaphorical lake of malice was forming below him. The metaphorical people below did not like this new malevolent feature and endeavoured to destroy it before it destroyed them. Unfortunately their epic struggle is not relevant so let’s all just forget about it. Also don’t worry, the metaphorical people were metaphorically Dutch so no problems there.

“Depends on if you’re ready for the test,” Spark replied as if nothing had happened. Internally though she was laughing her head off, messing with Lamplight was so easy that sometimes it wasn’t even funny. Nah, who was she kidding, it was still hilarious!

“Yes! Yes! I am ready! Okay?! I am READY! I AM SO BUCKING READY IT HURTS!” Lamplight screamed almost deafeningly, and smashed his hoof against the table… or what was on the table. His keyboard shattered, sending pieces of plastic flying absolutely everywhere.

To Spark it was like an impromptu snow storm with tiny fragments of white plastics raining all around her. She smiled at the image until she saw Lamplight’s face. Spark’s smile instantly soured, she knew Lamplight had a breaking point, she’d passed it once before by mistake. She shuddered at the memory and began to back out of the room slowly.

Lamplight turned back around and stared at the gaping hole in his keyboard. He just sat there silently, as if by staring it would magically repair itself.

Spark saw her chance and bailed out, galloping out of the door and down the stairs. She could hear Lamplight roar with rage when a loud shattering sound had her spinning on her hooves. Time seemed to slow as the keyboard crashed through the window. Smithy’s muffled singing was much louder out here. To punctuate this, every so often she would hit a piece of metal with a hammer almost rhythmically. This continued for around a minute, well to Spark it seemed like a minute. In reality it was like two seconds. Smithy began to hit a crescendo, the sound reverberating around the room like a drunken parrot. The keyboard was inches from the ground when Smithy started her final note and held it for what seemed like forever as the keyboard nudged slowly towards the ground. It finally hit, bursting into a million tiny pieces that flew in every direction. Lamplight howled again before the door slammed shut upstairs. To make matters worse Fraulein Smithy hit the final note, her treble trebling in pitch. Security dogs all around the facility started howling as her pitch began to smash the remaining glass in the observation room.

Smithy held for applause before seeing the destruction around the workshop. “Ach nein,” she said quietly to herself before going back into her work with gusto. Well as quietly as one can speak Germane, which is naturally a rather… loud language.

Veil came galloping into the room along with Quill Slinger. “What in tarnation is goin on here?!” Quill Slinger shouted as he strode into the large room. “Smithy?! Were you singing again?!”

Smithy strode out confidently, she was pretty much bulletproof, nothing could get her fired, Twilight Incorporated wouldn’t release her into anything but a jail if she got too out of hand. Couldn’t risk a technical genius being employed by a rival company now, could they? “Yes, Vat is it?” Smithy said in her best “look at what I did and you can’t do nothing about it” voice.

“You just broke every damn window in the facility!” Veil shouted, his face the colour of beetroot, which in case you don’t know is basically a really dark reddy-purple.

“I also completed de final fitting. Zis machine is now ready to, uh, how you say “boot up”,” she said completely disregarding what they were talking about.

Quill Slinger swallowed his rage but couldn’t help but let slip one of his idioms, “You’re more difficult than riding a bull made of bees!”

“Never mind that now, we’ll get this room cleaned up but now we can move these pads to testing!” Veil said excitedly.

“Well I suppose this is brilliant news,” Quill Slinger instantly cheered up.

“Yeah! Send me to the moon!” Spark shouted as she bounded over.

Quill Slinger burst out laughing at the orange orb of a pony that appeared to be rolling towards them. “Why… you look as ridiculous as… spurs on a groundhog!” Quill Slinger forced out between his bouts of laughter.

“Quill Slinger, would you take Spark to go and sign the release form and then get the final go-ahead from the main office. I’ll fetch Lamplight down from his office and then the three of us can bring the pads through to the testing chambers where we’ll meet you,” Veil said his body springing up and down with barely constrained enthusiasm.

“Sure thing boss, we’ll be done before you can say AAApplelooosa!” Quill Slinger sang the last word, rearing on his hind legs with a whinny. And with that he turned on his hooves and galloped back out into the corridor.

Spark turned to leave but Veil grabbed her shoulder and turned her back around. “Oh and Spark, two things: Number one you need to find Arcane Splitter,”

“Spell Weaver,” Spark interjected instinctively.

“Oh yes, uh, yeah. Find Spell Weaver and send him to the chambers, we might need some of his spells for extra security. Good luck,” Veil said with a fatherly clasp of her shoulder and a reassuring nod before turning to head off to the office.

“What was the other thing?”

“Other thing?” Veil turned back, his eyebrows arched in confusion when he suddenly nodded with a roll of his eyes. “Oh yeah, I left you an air tank in the equipment room, make sure you put it on before we start,” he said before turning away again.

“An air tank, really? Next thing you know it’ll be a real tank! That would be so much fun! I’d be all rah! And like everypony else would be all aah!” Spark mumbled to herself as she trotted out of the room after the Appleloosan.

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A purple unicorn mare sat in a massive spinney chair that’s back rose to twice her height. In front of her was an ebony desk with a solid gold nameplate, written on it with onyx stones were the words “Twilight Tinker M.Eng.” Open on the desk was an engraved silver cigarillo case with half of them missing. An ash-tray made of a massive, hollowed out sapphire sat on the table, full of ash. A quartz decanter of amber liquid sat on the desk as well, with a half empty tumbler beside it. In between these items was a vast array of folders and papers haphazardly tossed everywhere. Twilight was lounging in the chair with a lit cigarillo levitating beside her and a folder open in her hooves when her personal assistant walked in.

The pink earth pony P.A had long straightened her and a pair of stylish small glasses on her face. On her flank were three piles of rocks, ordered by colour. She trotted in on three hooves, her fourth holding another pair of plain yellow folders.

Twilight looked up as she entered before exclaiming crankily, “Can you believe this Diane? Administrator Jerkwad threatened to fire one of our greatest scientists yesterday! Dr. Veil.”

“You did authorise it Twilight,” Diane sat absent-mindedly as she placed the folders on the table and then saw the state it was in.

“What?! I think I would remember giving that piece of work authority over one of our best,” Twilight scoffed.

“He came to visit yesterday morning after you’d drunken yourself under the desk… again,” Diane a said with a sigh as she began to order the papers spread out all over the desk.

“Oh yes, I completely forgot about the staff party. Hahaha! Great times, you should have seen your sister Isabelle though! By Faust she was off her rocker!” Twilight laughed. The smoking and fine brandy had given her an awesomely gravelly voice, with an equally gruff yet cool laugh.

“Yes, I recall you were the one pushing her, don’t think I’ve forgotten, Twilight,” Diane said rather sharply as she began to archive some of the older folders into a nearby filing cabinet.

“Oh it was all in good fun. You should let your mane down once in a while. Inkie did and look at how much fun she had,” Twilight said tossing the folder from her hooves and onto the desk that Diane had just painstakingly restored order too. Once again the desk was plummeted into a war on organisation. The paper folder had knocked over a box of paperclips which were now spreading across the table in a guerrilla movement against the fascist state of Diane.

“She almost killed Pencil Pusher when she threw him off of the building’s roof!” Diane shouted angrily, both at the memory and at Twilight’s disregard for order.

“Bah, spoilsport, he was fine. What’s his face caught him, the blue pegasi… uh… the one with the freaky hair,” Twilight began making gesturing with her forehooves as if inflating her own purple and pink mane.

Diane returned to the desk and set about crushing the paperclip resistance without mercy, all of them being horded into the gulag that was their pot. “The stunt flyer we hired for the latest marketing stunt?” she eventually relayed with a happy smile after restoring the status quo of Twilight’s desk.

“Yes, her!” Twilight stood on her back hooves and pointed at Diane with a small cheer. She then realised they still lacked one crucial fact, her name. She took a stab in the dark. “Rainbow Dash was it?”

“I think it was Rainbow Crash, you know to give with her stuntpony job.” Diane replied, biting her lip in deep thought. She then just shrugged and said, “No matter she’s back in Cloudsdale now, we’ve sponsored her for this year’s young flyer’s competition. Let’s hope she’s as good as she say she is.”

“But yeah, next time I get invited to a stuffy party with those Canterlot fops I’m taking Inkie. Some mares know how to party, others know how to PARTAY!” Twilight laughed coarsely as she took her seat again.

“Really? The Republican Canterlot Guard won’t be as forgiving as your own personal security force,” Diane said in her favourite neutral voice.

“It’ll be fine, President Blueblood is a close personal friend of mine,” Twilight said dismissively waving a hoof as she levitated the tumbler of fine scotch to her lips and drained the rest of the glass with a sigh of pleasure.

“I still don’t know how that puppet won the election. I don’t think he’s ever spent a day outside Canterlot,” Diane grumbled, politics was her pet peeve.

“Did you see the other candidates? A griffon, a psychopath and a general! Sounds like the set-up for a joke! You could probably have won it,” Twilight said with a laugh.

“Thanks,” Diane said dryly.

“No offence,” Twilight added a little too late. “So what’s the schedule for this morning then?” Twilight asked trying to smoothly change the topic.

“Well, you have a meeting with the board of directors at eleven and luncheon with Fancypants at the Cuisine De Délices in Canterlot Plaza.

“Oh boy, what a fun morning,” Twilight said sarcastically pouring herself another drink.

Diane looked at her disapprovingly. “You can’t turn up to every meeting slightly drunk,” she said firmly.

“Why not? I just need to get to that perfect point where the drink is actually boosting my cognitive abilities without going the full distance and ending up brain-dead,” Twilight said as she downed half of the tumbler with a smack of her lips.

“Because that’s worked so well in the past,” Diane said rather snarkily.

“Hey! The past is past, that was not my fault,” Twilight said defensively.

“You were so out of it you spent the better part of a day thinking you were a spider!” Diane shouted incredulously as she spotted a single paperclip hold-out that had somehow avoided her thorough hooves.

“No damage was done,” Twilight grumbled disconcertedly.

“You crawled into a vent and jumped on top of the visiting Neighsian dignitary!” Diane continued her brutal attack, seizing the paperclip and squeezing the life out of it before shipping its body home, back to the pot.

“Oh yeah,” Twilight said with a fond smile before bursting out laughing, “Faust that was hilarious.”

“You almost caused a diplomatic incident! You’re lucky he was so chuffed with our Equinaterrian efforts.” Diane was once again happy with the uniformity of the desk.

“How about the afternoon then?” Twilight navigated back on topic.

“You seem to have… nothing. Afternoon’s clear. Pencil Pusher hasn’t returned to work yet so there’s no Vice President of Marketing and Fleur-De-Lis cancelled on the dinner. Apparently her agent had managed to get her an evening with President Blueblood. So what are you going to do?”

“Party?” Twilight suggested with barely restrained mirth. A fierce stare from Diane made her change her mind. “Hmm,” she pondered, tapping her hoof against her chair while she lit another cigarillo with her horn. A short puff of smoke helped to order her thoughts. “Well, I suppose I’d better pay Dr. Veil a visit, the pony almost lost his job due to my little slip-up. Besides, last I heard his project was nearing completion. Teleportation, real breakthrough stuff,” she said with a sense of awe. She then sighed heavily in a regretful manner.

“What now?” Diane said irritably.

“I was just remembering back when that was me. If it weren’t for all these perks I’d be down there with them. There is nothing quite like the joy of discovery,” Twilight said fondly, before taking another puff from her cigarillo.

“Well why not take the project over yourself? You have the authority,” Diane suggested with a shrug.

“I wouldn’t steal Veil’s spotlight so close to completion,” Twilight said dismissively.

“I’m sure you’ll think of something, now you need to meet with those directors,” Diane said, pointing to the door with a hoof.

“Oh please don’t make me go! Those dullards are well… dull,” Twilight moaned as she drained her second glass.

“You’ve got to what you’ve got to do,” Diane said with a shrug.

“Come with me then, at least then I’ll have someone to talk to during this miserable affair.” Twilight stood up from her chair clearly displaying her cutie mark, a jeweller’s loupe with a gear in the middle.

“Fine, If it’ll make you go,” Diane said rolling her eyes.

“Yes!” Twilight pumped her hoof into the air and took one last puff of her cigarillo before tossing it into the sapphire ashtray. “Oh and send for Isabelle,” Twilight said playfully.

“Now you’re just pushing it.” Diane gave Twilight a light-hearted push as she escorted her boss out of the office.

“I was just going to…” Twilight began.

“No,” Diane replied more firmly.

“Spoilsport,” Twilight grumbled as Diane closed the door behind them.

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Quill Slinger pushed the perilously placed perched of papers towards Fluorescent Spark who looked at him dumbstruck. He then sat back in his leather chair and lowered his colossal hat’s brim over his eyes.

“I don’t have to read all of these, do I?” she said with a heavy sigh.

“Eeyup, I’ve gone through it, it’s all rudimentary stuff. Just sign everywhere it prompts and I’ll send it off to central division,” Quill replied unmoving.

“Okey-doke,” Spark said whimisically, picking a quill up from the desk with her mouth and scribbling along the line. “Is this all of it?”

“I wish. This is just the waiver, we still got a crater full of paperwork to get through,” Quill replied from under his hat.

Spark turned to the next page and scribbled at the bottom, then the next, then the next.

Twenty minutes later she was shaking the snoring Appleloosan opposite her who pulled another stack of papers from another drawer and the process reset.

“If I ever do get that tank I now know what to use it on,” she grumbled angrily as she lifted up the quill and continued signing.

I must be the most bored pony I existence, Spark thought to herself.

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I must be the most bored pony in existence, Twilight thought to herself. She looked to Diane who actually seemed to be paying attention to this pointless drivel. She started rocking on her chair absentmindedly. All around her ponies in suits were taking notes with scratchy pens. Twilight sighed heavily earning a hard look from a few of the more attentive directors. Twilight finally gave in and listened to the next section.

“… with the Derpy Developments deal finally going through, we can predict a six percent increase in the profit margin previously stipulated. Blah, blah, blah, blah.” Administrator Wad’s voice droned out again.

Well that was exciting, I wonder how much longer I have to sit here. Her eyes wandered to a clock in the corner. The meeting had only been on for five minutes. Twilight picked up her imaginary blade and stabbed straight through her imaginary ribs. Her imagination bled out in all directions as the ritual was committed and she fell backwards eyes closed and tongue lolling out.

Diane turned to face her and put a hoof to her mouth. “Sssh,” she said quietly before turning back to the matter at hand.

Twilight yanked her tongue back and sat up again, she had killed another minute. One of the directors next to her was smoking from an elaborate pipe made from ivory and silver. A white unicorn nodded every so often but Twilight could recognise a faker when she saw one, after all she could be a good one herself. She sidled over to the pony who was wearing a wide-brimmed sunhat set at a lively angle. As soon as she was right next to the bored director she gave her a slight nudge.

The director jumped and turned to see Twilight Tinker holding out a pack containing a certain green herb.

“Want to make the time pass faster Ms?” Twilight said with a shrews smile.

“Mrs. Rarity,” the unicorn held out a hoof into which Twilight placed a hoofful of the good stuff. “Is this what I think it is?”

“I’ve got a private supplier in Sugarcuba. This stuff is pure, a bit stronger than they can legally sell… but infinitely better,” Twilight whispered conspiratorially.

“Spotted locoweed? Oh, you shouldn’t have,” Rarity replied with a laugh as she tipped some into her pipe.

“Hay yeah, only the best for moi,” Twilight said with a laugh.

“You’re Twilight Tinker aren’t you? I was expecting you to be… a little stuffier.” Rarity said as she took a deep breath of the stuff. “Oh yeah, that is some grade A loco.”

“I aim to please and yes I am Twilight Twinker. I’m sure you’ve heard all about me, but I’ve never seen you before.”

“I’m High Roller’s wife, he couldn’t make it to the meeting,” she said truthfully before inhaling another breath of the sweet herb.

Twilight pulled out another cigar case but this one was understated, only made of simple tin. She opened it up and pulled out a pre-mixed cigar and a lighter. Within seconds she was relaxing on the chair next to Rarity puffing away.

Diane turned around to make sure Twilight was still awake and paying attention. As far as she was concerned she had just lit-up an ordinary cigar. She then turned back to the meeting.

“High Roller told me he’d gotten a bit of hot flank lately,” Twilight whispered to Rarity who feigned shock before joining Twilight in a laugh.

“I’ve only got to stick it out for a few more years and I get the estate so as far as I’m concerned he can say whatever he wants,” Rarity whispered back causing more giggles between them.

“Lady Rarity,” Twilight tried to act as shocked as she could but Rarity saw right through it with another laugh. “You want to know something?” Twilight looked around and leant in as close as possible and whispered something almost silently.

“What?”

“Everypony in this room is a stuck-up prig who wouldn’t know science if it bit them in the flank,” she repeated angrily.

“I could say the same about literature,” Rarity mumbled taking another breath of smoke.

“A fan of books are you?” Twilight asked.

“I write books that achieve a certain… function,” Rarity said with a suggestive wink.

“You don’t mean.” Twilight made some very crude motions with her hoof.

“I might do? Ever heard of Mistress Rare?” she said with a large grin.

“You don’t mean,” Twilight began.

“That’s my pen name,” Rarity said with a giggle.

“No way! You saucy little minx! I absolutely loved your Daring Doo fics,” Twilight was genuinely interested now. She had had a few… experiences with Mistress Rare’s work before.

“Thank you,” Rarity said with a flashy smile before leaning in and whispering “You want to take this party elsewhere?”

“Yeah we totally should. We should go see Inkie in the geological department, she knows how to have fun.

“I’ll take your word for that,” Rarity laughed. The two ponies stealthily rose to their hooves and crept out of the room.

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The team was finally ready and in place. Lamplight sat at a workstation, powering up the pads that had been placed in a large empty room at opposite ends. The test-chamber was separated by one-way glass from the observation room that they had set up in. Quill Slinger and Fraulein Smithy were stood at the window waiting impatiently to see if they’re hard work had finally paid off.

Veil and Arc… Veil and Spell Weaver were stood beside the scited test subject.

“You certain you’re ready for this Spark,” Veil asked, looking her deep into her eyes.

Spark nodded twice, her demeanour unusually serious despite the fact that she was wearing more clothes than the average Eskihoof.

“Good luck then, I’m absolutely positive that no matter what happens you have the equipment to face it."

“It would have been better if you’d given me an actual tank,” Spark said pleasingly as she twisted her head and bashed her eye lashes at him.

“No,” Veil said flatly before turning away and trotting around to observation.

“Good luck Spark, I’ve cast the boomerang spell on you. If you get into trouble then it should snap you right back.

“Thank you Spell Weaver,” Spark said with an appreciative nod.

The old tailless unicorn trotted to observation too and the door shut sealing Spark in the chamber. She took a few steps towards the first pad waiting for the word. A speaker system switched on with Lamplight on the other side.

“Can you hear me? Nod once for yes or twice for no,” Lamplight said over the tinny loudspeakers.

Spark shook her head twice.

“I told you the systems didn’t work Smithy… hang on a minute. By Faust I swear I will wring her neck,” Lamplight cursed under his breath as he turned back to the microphone. “Very funny Spark, now would you step on the pad.”

Spark shifted over to the round circle on the ground.

“Okay activating in three, two, one, activating,” Lamplight read out slowly before hitting the enter key. The teleporter flashed a bright blue before going dark. Nopony materialised at the other pad. The group shuffled awkwardly in silence for the next minute, hooves crossed that she would re-appear. She did not.

(A/N: I don’t have anything against the Dutch I just found Austin Powers Gold Member too funny.)

(A/N 2: By Republican I do not mean the party, I of course refer to an advocate of republics.)

(A/N 3: Equinaterrian = Ponified Humanitarian, if you can think of one better, pray tell.)

Comments

[Azurus]

nooooo!! we need to know about the metaphorical peoples struggle for survival

[Dead_Account_0]

273055 The metaphorical people won out in the end, don't worry. There were countless casualties including an actual mouse that had somehow been maliced to death, but the hardy peoples survived and thrived.

[Fulgor Ignis]

Now, to account for AJ and Fluttershy.

Please continue with this. Track, and now...

"I GO!"