Princess Twilight Sparkle stepped forward onto the stage set up in Ponyville's tows square, and looked out at the sea of ponies in front of her. All of them were dressed in black, from the youngest foal, to the oldest pony. The sky was grey and damp, much to match the ponies moods. Princess Celestia leaned forward and whispered in twilight's ear
"Are you sure you want to do this Twilight?"
Twilight nodded, and stepped up to the microphone, took a deep breath and began to speak.
"When I was a unicorn, I came here to Ponyville not knowing what friendship meant"
She smiled as she remembered her introduction
"Pinkie Pie, was....well Pinkie Pie. Applejack was kind, Rarity, well she scared me a bit, but once I got to know her, I knew she had a good heart. Rainbow Dash was hot headed, but useful and Fluttershy was so quiet and shy. I would never had guessed that those five ponies would become my best friends, and play such a huge part in Equestrian history"
Twilight smiled at the ground, and began to describe her friends, one by one
"Pinkie Pie was such a happy pony. She always wanted to make others smile, it was her life mission. She never let a new pony get into town without everypony knowing about it. She could make anypony smile in the darkest of times...."
She stopped, and sniffed
"Applejack, was the most honest pony I had ever met. She would work long had hours at the farm, then come straight to help her friends. She was so helpful, and would let no task go uncompleted. It was actually sort of funny, in a kind friendly way"
"Rainbow Dash was a head strong pony, but was so loyal towards her friends. I remember when we were on out way to defeat Nightmare Moon-"
She stopped and looked over at Princess Luna for her ok to tell the story. Luna nodded and Twilight continued
"Nightmare Moon tried to pull Rainbow away from us, towards 'The Shadow Bolts' a rip off of the Wonder Bolts. Rainbow Dash turned down the chance, and came back for us"
"Rarity knew what she wanted in life, and she would stop until she got there. She was so generous, so helpful. She insisted on making us Gala dresses, and her designs were perfect, but we thought we knew better. Well it turns out we knew wrong. She had an eye for beautiful things, and she helped me become a good friend"
Twilight stopped. Fluttershy, was probably her closest friend, and this was the hardest part. She looked up at the sky, and saw her friends looking down at her. She gave a smile to herself, and gave the hardest part of her speech
"Fluttershy was such a timid creature, but so kind and loving. She never wanted to hurt anyponies feelings, and never did. She always wanted the best for everypony, and did her best to make sure no pony was hurt by her. She never needed anypony else apart from her closest friends, but made huge contributions to everything she did."
Twilight turned to Luna and Celestia and nodded. They both brought a microphone out from behind stage.
"As a tribute to my friends, I have written a song. It is called, Goodbye"
The three Princesses got in position, and Twilight began to sing.
"My friends, are so far away,
And I miss them every single day"
All of our laughter, all out our tears
Every time we over came one of our fears"
Twilight stood back, and Princess Luna And Princess Celestia sang in harmony
"Its time now, to celebrate their lives,
everypony, all the stallions and their wives,
to come out and mourn, to feel out pain,
to know of the lives, taken by a train"
Twilight let a single tear fall down her cheek. It fell off her fur and splashed onto the stage, where it was soon followed by many more. Soon she didn't have enough energy to stand. Luna walked over to her and hugged her. Celestia nodded to the stallions holding five coffins. They were lowered into the ground and before the dirt was thrown in, Twilight walked over and stood in front of them.
"I have one last gift for my friends" she sniffed.
She pulled five necklaces out of her saddlebag and one by one, lowered them into the graves.
"For Rainbow Dash, Loyalty"
"For Apple Jack, Honesty"
"For Pinkie Pie, Laughter"
"For Rarity, Generosity"
"and for Fluttershy, Kindness"
Twilight stood back, and out on her crown. A bright flash came from the star, and all the necklaces rose into the air. They stopped five feet about the ground, and ghostly forms of the elements owners formed around them. The five pony ghosts looked down at Twilight, and she flew up to them. They were all perfect. Not a scratch on them. They didn't look as thought they had been torn apart in a freak train accident. Twilight shuddered as she remembered hearing about what had happened.
The train was on the way to Canterlot, and the five mares were going to visit Twilight. As the train was going round a corner, it slid off the tracks and fell down a steep, rocky cliff. All of the other ponies survived, but the five elements wanted to make sure everypony was out, and it had cost them their lives. When Twilight got to the scene, all that was left was rubble, and bits of her friends fur. When they found the bodies, Twilight ran over, and then proceeded to throw up in a bush. Rainbow Dash's prize wings had been ripped off, and Rarity's horn was smashed. All that was left of Fluttershy's legs were stumps, and Pinkie Pie and Applejack's skulls had been smashed. Twilight looked up at the ghosts.
"Hi guys" Twilight sniffed.
"Don't cry dear" Rarity smiled
"We cant feel anything, don't worry" Fluttershy comforted
"Look after scootaloo" Rainbow Dash said
"And applebloom" Applejack chipped in
"Come on Twi, one last smile, for Pinkie?" Pinkie Pie asked
Twilight grinned and flew back. She watched as her five best friend's ghosts flew up into the clouds, and the necklaces, the elements of harmony, dissolved and fell down into the graves. Twilight flew down to the ground and spoke in a loud clear voice.
"I, Princess Twilight Sparkle, now allow these graves to be filled"
'Goodbye, my best friends'
Its bad that I already knew this before I read the authors note
For a first attempt at a sad fic, this wasn't too bad. Granted, it felt a little rushed, but it was pretty good overall. The only grammar error I noticed was that you seem to forget about putting periods on the end of sentences. A small error to be sure, but it was a little jarring for me. Good job, and good luck on your other fics.
2896840 Ok, I will work on that, im not quite sure what you mean, but I shall work on it all the same
2896835 I wouldn't have considered it to be bad, rather a good writing, but that's my opinion.
For your first sad fic, it's not bad but not the best I've seen. One thing that did stand out was her friends telling her to keep on living and Twilight not breaking down into a angsty mess.
2896961 Here's an example:
There is no period on the end of this sentence. It should look more like this:
>>Celestia Paladin Thank you im positive its not the best out there, but im happy with it. Thanks for the comment
2896982 ahh ok, thank you for the reference. I didn't put a . in because there was speech afterwards, but thank you for correcting me
2896961 I think it's a good story idea and if you can find a proofreader, then I think it can do pretty good
2896983
You're welcome
2897114 I had considered a proof reader, but I would rather a few of my own mistakes, than have to re write a whole other chapter. I have spell checker installed, so that is keeping me rather content at the moment
Not bad, though you could have done with being a bit more descriptive. You're very Tell-y which severely impacts the feel and flow of the story. Sure it may flow well, but it is much nicer to read when you are shown what happens rather than told. Here's a link that should help you a little bit in regards to that.
Also, always use a full stop, comma or some sort of symbol at the end of dialogue, this link should help a bit regarding the punctuation of your dialogue.
Good luck on your future endeavors.
Edit:
I'd also like to point out that the fact that they just died in a train crash seems kinda... It feels a little cheap if you know what I mean? Like it was just a spur of the moment idea as to how they died.
2897174 thank you for the advice, it is most useful to me. Just one question, what is Tell-y
2897159 Fair enough. Good luck on this story
2897203
Tell-y is a general term used when you use the "Tell language" a bit too much, an example would be this(although not the best)
Tell-y (Or just "Tell") - Twilight was tired from reading all day and decided to go to bed.
Show-y (or just "Show") - For the third time in the last minute Twilight's head bobbed sleepily towards the book placed in front of her. She'd been reading for the past five hours, barely moving and only did when her physical needs trumped her interest in the book. She yawned and looked around, noting how it was moonlight rather than sunlight sifting through the half-drawn curtains. With a brief flash of her horn the book closed with a book mark marking where she had come to. Another brief pulse and the book was placed on the night table besides the bed. A rustling of sheets and a few moments later and the unicorn was nestled happily beneath her covers, slowly drifting towards sleep.
Basically, I extended one sentence into several ones that shows the reader what she did rather than just telling it. I am well aware that I am not a master of Show vs Tell, and that I still need to work on it myself, but I think this example is sufficient to show you what I mean
2897231 I see, I shall work on that in my next one shot. I don't have any ideas, perhaps you would like a request?
2897247
I keep my ideas to myself If I actually have one it's one I want to write myself
2897260 ok, just wondering
dude im crying right now. idk why but this fic really just slammed my heart into sorrow..
Well shit. Just before I head to bed, too. I've read Cheerilee's Garden and I still grimaced at the deaths. It could have been longer and got more response to the deaths than just Twilight. But, that's my opinion. Awsome read non the less.
Is it weird that for the most part, I only read and write sad stories?
2897433 really! success! I often find it hard to bring emotion into my writing, but it seems to have worked
2898091 I am aware that I could have given more responses, but this was a story from Twilights point of view, but thank you for letting me know
2898222 I wouldn't say so, everyone had their strong points within writing, mine I think is one shots, while yours is sad. It is what defines us
how they died was gross but i like it
I was listening to Empty Chairs at Empty Tables while reading this.